Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Police creates special squads to save people from breaking their new year resolutions

New Delhi. With new year resolution season on the doorstep, police department of all states have formed a special ‘Resolution Prevention Squad’ (RPS) as a measure to save people from breaking their own resolutions.


“Every year, millions and millions of resolutions die in their infancy. Many unfortunate ones don’t even see the sunshine of 1st January. So, to avoid this carnage and resolution massacre we have decided to create RPS,” said Minister of Home Affairs, Sushil Kumar Shinde, “It’s a new year gift from government to the country.”


“This will also reduce the emotional void between police and people and it will be a good start of new year for police department too,” Shinde added.


Resolutions

Now it is a written contract to which you will be legally bound



Resolution Prevention Squad will be available on emergency number – 404. If people feel like they are on verge of breaking their resolution and feeling helpless, they can call on the number provided and members of squad will be there within 30 minutes.


In case the resolution is “not to eat pizza”, RPS will be there in 25 minutes, just to make sure they reach before pizza delivery boy.


After reaching the spot, RPS members will take immediate steps to prevent person concerned from breaking his/her resolution. If it’s about avoiding alcohol or smoking, they will first remove cigarette and liquor from the vicinity.


If victim is too impatient for alcohol and is in serious condition, as first aid they will be given blizzard or Red Bull. If he/she is cigarette addict, RPS members will be showing him/her anti smoking ad which they will be carrying in their mobile phones. In worst cases, squad may take them in police custody for 24 hours.


People who pledged to go for jogging or gym on daily basis but are unable to do because of laziness, can also call on 404. Force will be available to make sure that they follow their resolution, even at gunpoint, if required.


However, Resolution Prevention Squad has issued a notice urging people to take resolutions as per their capacity. “People should avoid taking resolution under peer pressure,” said Delhi RPS chief. “Our squad is on high alert for 31st December night, as we are expecting a lot of cases.”


Reportedly, RPS will be functional till 31st January, as it takes at least a month for resolution to become a habit.


Meanwhile, a man has surrendered himself to police and requested to take him in custody for one month. “I am not sure if police will reach by time, as they are always late on crime scene. So, this a precautionary measure from my side to prevent myself from breaking my resolutions,” disclosed the man.



Monday, December 30, 2013

Delhi homes to install CCTV cameras in bathrooms to find who used water above free quota

New Delhi. Delhi Jal Board, under directions from the new AAP government, today announced that each household in Delhi with a functional meter will get 20kl liter of water free per month. However, people will have to pay for the entire amount of water consumed if they go above the free quota.


This has pushed Delhi people to think of innovative ways in which water usage can be controlled and monitored. In households where bachelors are sharing a water connection, new accounting methods are being devised so that cost can be attributed to person whose wayward ways caused extra usage.


AAP ka bathroom

Bachelors may try to take bath in this manner in which water will fall on everyone from the shower and the same amount of water can help more than one guy to take bath



For the benefit of the aam aadmi, Faking News has following suggestions to save water and to track usage:


1. Install CCTV camera in bathroom to track water usage of every household member. This will debar them from using unfair means to consume more water than amount allocated to them. It is a common corrupt practice where some people consume extra mug of water while bathing; they pouring it on their body slowly without making any sound, so that people outside don’t come to know. CCTV cameras will bring transparency and end this corrupt practice.


2. The CCTV footage should be used not only to find the culprit using more water than allotted, it should be used to perform audit of each bathroom visit by a household member. Best bathroom practices should be announced after this audit e.g. a total ban on using whole bucket of water just to wash one’s feet.


3. If CCTV cameras appear too intrusive, miniature water meters could be installed at faucets, flush tanks, etc. which will record water consumed during brushing, taking a dump, and other such activities. An accounts book should be maintained against each member recording the water consumed for each activity.


4. Miniature water meters to be installed inside human body after proper operation to measure the level of water drank.


5. At least once in a week try water saving tricks like organizing a joint bathing session, especially households comprising only of bachelors. Flatmates can form a human pyramid under shower (see picture). Besides saving water, these simple steps also increase brotherhood between flatmates.


6. Increase count of dark color clothes in your closet, as you can wear them for longer period without washing. Also buy perfumes and deodorants.


7. Like Swami Agnivesh and Morarji Desai, you can try self-urine therapy. Will save water.


8. Frozen foods or heat-and-eat recipes can also be tried as it will save water while cooking. Instead of black tea, try dry tea e.g. mixture of tea leaves and sugar.


9. If you are rich and tech savvy but want to feel like an aam aadmi, bath could be taken in a Jacuzzi styled sensors fitted empty bathtubs. A limit of the water that can be used while bathing will be set and a danger mark (khatre ka nishaan) would be marked on bathtub. As soon as the water consumed by a particular individual touches that mark, sensors would become active and produce an electric shock, the impact of which would throw the person out of the bathtub. Don’t worry about electricity bills, they are also going to be halved in Delhi.


10. On the lines of carbon credit, a household member who doesn’t take bath too often should be allowed to sell his/her share of water to another member who likes to take bath daily. This will further incentivize water conservation.


11. Keep aside a share of water as central emergency fund to tackle natural calamity like loose motion, for water consumption sky rockets during those hard times. This will prevent a household from getting bankrupt in mid of the month.



Alok Nath hired by United States to teach family values to US citizens

Washington, DC. Moving a step ahead toward embracing Indian culture, United States has hired epitome of sanskaar, Alok Nath, to teach family values to their citizens.


“In last few decades, our country has seen a huge erosion of family values. It’s high time that we have someone who can help us out, and who could be a better option than Alok Nath ji,” said President Obama while talking to media at White House.


Alok Nath will also be training US marshals

Alok Nath will also be teaching US marshals, how behave with women, so that Devyani type case never happens again.



Alok Nath along with Michelle Obama, and Obama’s daughter Sasha and Malia were also present at the press meet. He has been offered the post of ‘National Babuji’ for next 3 years.


In his inaugural address, Alok Nath thanked US government for showing so much faith in his fathering capability. “A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man,” said Alok Nath quoting Don Vito Corleone.


“You guys have already learnt a lot from Kamasutra, now it’s time to move on to next step,” he added.


Michelle Obama was heard calling him ‘Bhai Sahab‘ while her adorable daughters were calling him ‘Chacha Ji‘. Reportedly, it was Michelle who pushed for hiring Alok Nath after she spotted Barack Obama mingling with a female country head from Europe at Nelson Mandela’s funeral.


To start with, Alok Nath has suggested Michelle to organize Satyanarayan puja in White House, and has urged people of US to use ‘Tulsi Plant’ for creating Christmas tree as it brings peace in family.


Alok Nath will be conducting shivir in US schools where he will be teaching family values to kids.


To bring down divorce rate within country, special weekly sessions will be organized where couples with troubled marriage life can participate. Couples will spend a week inside a house where Alok Nath will play role of their father. They will get a last chance to understand family values and save their marriage.


Sources say, Alok Nath will also write a column about ‘sanskaars‘ in Playboy magazine. “Although, magazine was initially reluctant to allow this, but after government pressure, they agreed,” revealed a source.


Meanwhile, producers of Game of Thrones, an American fantasy drama television series have hinted about possible entry of Alok Nath in the next season.


“We are in talk with Alok Ji and he may take the role of man who will adopt Lord Ned Stark’s daughters, as their father died and they are yet to be married,” disclosed an executive of the production house, “Alok Ji is a big fan of GoT, and his heart bled when Ned Stark died without marrying off his daughters.”



Twitter reactions to Kejriwal having fever

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Faking News Newsmakers of the Year

Mother of the Year: Undoubtedly Congress President Sonia Gandhi. As put rightly into perspective by Salman Khurshid that she is not just Rahul Gandhi’s mother but his and India’s mother as well. Nobody can say “mere paas maa hai”, because now every Indian has a mother.


Father of the Year: Since it is a Blow to Bachchan in the earlier category, we gave him this award after he went all out promoting his son’s Dhoom 3 and tweeting collections of the film. Big B was easier choice because last year’s winner ND Tiwari was not in his elements this year.


Shinde at an award show

Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde has assured that he will attend any function where these awards could be given out by Faking News. No matter what happens in the country, he has promised to come to the awards show.



Brother of the Year: Yet again, bhai, Salman Khan.


Sister of the Year: Priyanka Gandhi, after she was requested by Congress workers from Phulpur to lead the party as maiyaa was bimaar and bhaiyya was overburdened.


Son-in-law of the Year: Gurunath Meiyappan, new star in the horizon posed a stiff challenge to 9 times winner Robert Vadra, but in the end it was a tie.


Dude of the Year: Beni Prasad Verma; this man simply doesn’t give a damn about what ‘chaar log’ will think. He says what he wants, he does what he wants, he smokes what he wants.


Seriously Dude of the Year: RBI governor Raghuram Rajan; a man who is expected to control inflation and economy just because he is just a cool dude. (Shobhaa De was in the jury which decided this award)


Digvijay Singh of the Year: Last year Pranab Mukherjee’s son Abhijit Mukherjee won the award for dented-painted woman comment, this year the award was bagged by JD(U) leader Bhim Singh for claiming that people join army to die, and hence there was nothing special about a martyr.


Farewell of the Year: Sachin Tendulkar would have been the obvious choice and he was, till we saw results of assembly elections in December. Thereafter the title finally went to Congress.


Shocker of the Year: Indian government’s reaction on Devyani Khobragade shocked not only people of the country but the world at large. Allegations against Tarun Tejpal were also a contender, but many were not shocked.


Government agency of the Year: ASI’s decision of treasure hunting at Unnao fort after being guided by a saint was the best a government agency attempted to help the government during economic crisis.


Boldest decision of the Year: Uday Chopra’s decision to retire from movie is not that simple as it looks. Being son of Yash Chopra, nobody could have stopped him from acting till Dhoom 21, but still he renounced his acting career.


Haunted place of the Year: Sudden disappearance of coalgate files from Coal ministry’s record rooms has placed ministry’s office even ahead of Bhangarh fort in list of most haunted place in India.


Compliment of the Year: Digvijay Singh’s ’100 taka tanch maal’ compliment to Congress MP Meenakshi Natrajan easily beats any filmy dialogue said by Bollywood heartthrobs.


Secret of the Year: Nobody exactly knows, not even Obama, that whether Nawaz Sharif called Manmohan Singh a “Dehati Aurat” or not.


Fixer of the Year: While Sreesanth was hot favorite to win this, Faking News decided to award this to Baba Siddique for fixing a hug between Shah Rukh Khan and Salman Khan.


Student of the Year: Rahul Gandhi, for resolving to learn from AAP and Arvind Kejriwal and do things in a way you can’t even imagine.



Saturday, December 28, 2013

To avoid being trapped, Delhi babus to make people swear on god before accepting bribe

New Delhi. Soon after the newly sworn CM of Delhi, Arvind Kejriwal asked people to do a “setting” with the government employees if they ask for bribe and then set a trap to nab them, Delhi babus have come up with an innovative idea to counter this move.


Government insiders say that from now on, babus will be carrying miniature version of various religious books like Gita, Quran, Bible, and others and will make a person swear in the name of god that he was not laying a trap.


“We are also encouraging honesty in the practice of bribe giving,” a corrupt babu, all set to tweak his practices under Kejriwal regime, told Faking News, “If they pay us bribe and later get us arrested, is it not unethical? I don’t know why Kejriwal is encouraging such unethical behavior!”


Bribe

This will continue but in a new mode?



To make sure they catch the fake bribe givers, corrupt babus are seeking divine help.


“Bribe givers will be asked to swear in the name of their god that it’s not a trap and they are not going to call on vigilance department number issued by Kejriwal,” the corrupt babu explained.


Some babus have even downloaded a mobile app, OathBook, which has digital version of all the religious books.


Unlike what we see in courtrooms, where people swear in open, it will be a kind of “under the table” oath process.


The dangerous mixture of faith and corruption has left people of Delhi bewildered.


Ek taraf bhagwaan hai aur ek taraf imaan; it’s a dharm-sankat, a dilemma for us,” said aam aadmi Mahendra Arora while scratching his head.


Sources say that AAP is confused on how to tackle this issue.


“We can’t ban religious books in offices as this will be against our idea of secularism,” AAP leader Yogendra Yadav said, “Maybe the aam aadmi can learn from their leaders and take a fake oath, just like their leaders take a fake oath after winning elections.”


But corrupt babus are ready even for this eventuality.


“We will also have a lie detector test while they are taking oath,” a corrupt babu revealed.


“But we are not anti-aam aadmi,” the babu quickly added, “We are only saving ourselves. We welcome the honest bribe givers, who want to jump queue, avoid rules, save taxes, etc. to move ahead in life.”



Friday, December 27, 2013

Narendra Modi’s blog with comments from Manish Tewari and Digvijay Singh

Narendra Modi has written a blog post about the 2002 riots. While this could be seen as another attempt to dislodge LK Advani, who was the original blogger of BJP, Congress has decided to go beyond it and attack Modi on the content apart from the intent.


Faking News took a print out of Modi’s blog post and showed it to Congress leaders Manish Tewari and Digvijay Singh. They left the following notes (in italics and bold):


Narendra Modi

Modi thinking if he should write another blog on comments



Dear sisters and brothers, (What an obscurantist regressive outlook to compartmentalize the compatriots in only two clusters of relationships: Manish Tewari)


The law of nature is that Truth alone triumphs – Satyameva Jayate. Our judiciary having spoken, I felt it important to share my inner thoughts and feelings with the nation at large.


The end brings back memories of the beginning. The devastating earthquake of 2001 had plunged Gujarat into the gloom of death, destruction and sheer helplessness. Hundreds of lives were lost (Official figure says its 20,000. Shows Modi’s insensitivity towards human life and facts: Digvijay Singh). Lakhs were rendered homeless. Entire livelihoods were destroyed. In such traumatic times of unimaginable suffering, I was given the responsibility to soothe and rebuild.


And we had whole heartedly plunged ourselves into the challenge at hand.


Within a mere five months however, the mindless violence of 2002 had dealt us another unexpected blow. (Blow to Modi) Innocents were killed. (Innocent minorities were killed: Digvijay Singh) Families rendered helpless. Property built through years of toil destroyed. Still struggling to get back on its feet from the natural devastation, this was a crippling blow to an already shattered and hurting Gujarat.


I was shaken to the core. ‘Grief’, ‘Sadness’, ‘Misery’, ‘Pain’, ‘Anguish’, ‘Agony’ (Not impressed with the range of the vocabulary: Manish Tewari) – mere words could not capture the absolute emptiness one felt on witnessing such inhumanity.


On one side was the pain of the victims of the earthquake, and on the other the pain of the victims of the riots. In decisively confronting this great turmoil, I had to single-mindedly focus all the strength given to me by the almighty (Is he talking about almighty of the majority or the minority community?: Digvijay Singh), on the task of peace, justice and rehabilitation; burying the pain and agony I was personally wracked with.


During those challenging times, I often recollected the wisdom in our scriptures; (I am sure he is talking about Hindu scriptures: Digvijay Singh ) explaining how those seating in positions of power did not have the right to share their own pain and anguish. They had to suffer it in solitude. I lived through the same,experiencing this anguish in searingly sharp intensity. In fact, whenever I remember those agonizing days, I have only one earnest prayer to God. That never again should such cruelly unfortunate days come in the lives of any other person, society, state or nation. (Lie! That is not his prayer. He prays about more riots. I’ve photocopy of his prayers: Digvijay Singh)


This is the first time I am sharing the harrowing ordeal I had gone through in those days at a personal level.


However, it was from these very built up emotions that I had appealed to the people of Gujarat on the day of the Godhra train burning (It was an accident, we proved it.) itself; fervently urging for peace and restraint to ensure lives of innocents were not put at risk. I had repeatedly reiterated the same principles in my daily interactions with the media in those fateful days of February-March 2002 as well; (media never reported and repeated that. LOL!) publicly underlining the political will as well as moral responsibility of the government to ensure peace, deliver justice and punish all guilty of violence.


You will also find these deep emotions in my recent words at my Sadbhavana fasts where I had emphasized how such deplorable incidents did not behove a civilized society and had pained me deeply. (Lie!)


In fact, my emphasis has always been on developing and emphasizing a spirit of unity; with the now widely used concept of ‘my 5 crore Gujarati brothers and sisters’ having crystallised right at the beginning of my tenure as CM itself from this very space. (Sanctimonious!)


However, as if all the suffering was not enough, I was also accused of the death and misery of my own loved ones, my Gujarati brothers and sisters. Can you imagine the inner turmoil and shock of being blamed for the very events that have shattered you! (Fascist!)


For so many years, they incessantly kept up their attack, leaving no stone unturned. What pained even more was that in their overzealousness to hit at me for their narrow personal and political ends, they ended up maligning my entire state and country. This heartlessly kept reopening the wounds that we were sincerely trying to heal. (Wounds! What a lie. There were deaths. Not just wounds!: Digvijay Singh) It ironically also delayed the very justice that these people claimed to be fighting for. Maybe they did not realize how much suffering they were adding to an already pained people.


Gujarat however had decided its own path. We chose peace over violence. We chose unity over divisiveness. We chose goodwill over hatred. (Proves that Modi is a polarizing figure; people are choosing either of the extremes) This was not easy, but we were determined to commit for the long haul. From a life of daily uncertainty and fear; my Gujarat transformed into one of Shanti, Ekta, and Sadbhavana. I stand a satisfied and reassured man today. And for this, I credit each and every Gujarati. (Rajiv Gandhi ji’s vision has to be credited first.)


The Gujarat Government had responded to the violence more swiftly and decisively than ever done before in any previous riots in the country. (There were no riots in the country prior to 2002 or after 2002.) Yesterday’s judgement culminated a process of unprecedented scrutiny closely monitored by the highest court of the land, the Honourable Supreme Court of India. Gujarat’s 12 years of trial by the fire have finally drawn to an end. I feel liberated and at peace. (LOL! Saheb, snoopgatge probe is on!)


I am truly grateful to all those who stood by me in these trying times; seeing through the facade of lies and deceit. With this cloud of misinformation firmly dispelled, I will now also hope that the many others out there trying to understand and connect with the real Narendra Modi would feel more empowered to do so. (So all the time there was fake Narendra Modi? Feku!)


Those who derive satisfaction by perpetuating pain in others will probably not stop their tirade against me. (Shit! he knows it) I do not expect them to. But, I pray in all humility, that they at least now stop irresponsibly maligning the 6 crore (Earlier he said 5 crores, now 6 crores. Such a liar!) people of Gujarat.


Emerging from this journey of pain and agony; I pray to God that (Look how this communal person is not revealing the religion of the God which he wants to impose on others) no bitterness seeps into my heart. I sincerely do not see this judgement as a personal victory or defeat, and urge all – my friends and especially my opponents – to not do so as well. I was driven by this same principle at the time of the Honourable Supreme Court’s 2011 judgement on this matter. I fasted 37 days for Sadbhavana, choosing to translate the positive judgement into constructive action, reinforcing Unity and Sadbhavana in society at large.


I am deeply convinced that the future of any society, state or country lies in harmony. (Yes, under the leadership of Rahul Gandhi ji) This is the only foundation on which progress and prosperity can be built. Therefore, I urge one and all to join hands in working towards the same, ensuring smiles on each and every face.


Once again, Satyameva Jayate!

Vande Mataram! (RSS agenda forcing Muslim readers to read and say this: Digvijay Singh)



UP bureaucrat a former Naga Sadhu, that’s why he underestimated cold: Mulayam

Lucknow. Clarifying UP Home Secretary Anil Gupta’s remarks where he said that people do not die of cold, Samajwadi Party supremo Mulayam Singh Yadav has revealed that Mr. Gupta was a former Naga Sadhu and that was the reason why he underestimated the impact of cold on normal human beings.


“Before joining IAS in 1979, Gupta ji was a Naga Sadhu. He would move around naked all through the years, even during winters. He just can’t imagine that cold can put anyone in trouble,” claimed Mr. Yadav.


The SP supremo further claimed that Anil Gupta became a bureaucrat after watching bureaucrats function during Kumbh Mela. “Dude, this is such an easy job than being a Naga Sadhu!” he is repoted to have told himself.


Naga Sadhu

A file picture of the naga baba, who is now a babu.



“Although he had renounced the world by becoming a Naga Sadhu, he got bored of this renunciation and decided to fulfill his father’s long dream of him becoming a sarkari babu,” Mulayam Singh Yadav revealed.


Naga Sadhu Anil Gupta then took civil services exams and qualified for the job.


“It was when he became an IAS officer, the then CM of Uttar Pradesh Shri Banarsi Das requested him to wear clothes. Though he still feels like throwing it all away,” Mulayam added further and requested people to see his comments in perspective.


“He is not being insensitive, he’s just being himself,” netaji claimed.


People close to the Home Secretary say that he loves to roam around naked in his house and colony.


“Even during winters, saheb never wears warm clothes when he is at his home. He is a cold-proof person. He is iron man,” disclosed his servant.


But after facing heavy criticism on his error of judgment to understand the effects of cold on human body, things are changing for Anil Gupta.


“I am going through a lot of internal turmoil and my whole definition of life has been shattered. It was my illusion that I never ever imagined that people can actually die of cold,” regretted Anil Gupta.


Sources tell Faking News that Mr. Gupta has decided to renounce the world again and is going to Siberia to lacerate himself with cold wave.


Meanwhile, presence of a former Naga Sadhu as a top bureaucrat in the state has raised serious questions about secular credentials of UP government. Congress has demanded to know if a former Mualvi too was given such a post.


“Mulayam calls me a charas and gaanja user, I am sure that Gupta smokes marijuana; he is a Naga Sadhu after all. And the way Mulayam is defending him, it appears Gupta is his friend, so a possibility of Mulayam being a pot smoker can’t be ignored,” said Congress MP Beni Prasad Verma.



Friday faking release: Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

Story of Karnataka MLAs who set off to South America on a study trip.

Story of Karnataka MLAs who set off to South America on a study trip.




Thursday, December 26, 2013

When a person is drunk, body’s centre of gravity shifts to head: Research

Delhi. If a research paper published by Somaras Shukla, a PhD student of IIT Delhi is to be believed, body’s centre of gravity shifts to head after the person concerned is drunk.


Physics

Live demonstration.



As per Somras, his discovery has more to do with metaphysics than physics.


“Metaphysics literally means, beyond physics. Whatever I wrote in my research paper is purely experience based philosophical explanation of physical things what I, or rather we as a human being feel after getting drunk,” said Somras while explaining his out of the box finding.


Somras first thought of the idea when he was partying with his friends at the Mandrem beach in Goa. Reportedly, he fell down after few pegs of drink, and that was when he first realized the underlying theory.


“That was his Newton moment, only difference was that, instead of an apple, it was his own body which sparked the idea,” told a close friend of Somras, “Don’t know whether it was a coincidence or what, but at that time we were drinking apple flavoured vodka.”


After giving a lot of thought on why there is a sudden urge to lie down after getting heavily drunk, Somras found a clue in heaviness in head which people feel after getting drunk.


“I asked myself, why? Why there is an unexpected increase in our head’s weight? Of course the mass is same and even gravity is same, but still it happens. Then I first discovered the concept of virtual weight of brain which it gains under impact of alcohol and it’s much greater compared to weight of rest of the body,” described Somras.


In his research paper, Somras explains this virtual weight gain using metaphysical theories.


“A drunk person is much more knowledgeable than a normal person, it’s a verified truth. Now this extra intelligence and information in brain contributes most toward brain’s weight gain. You must heard that a knowledgeable person becomes humble, just like tree branches bend after getting laden with fruits, it’s the same concept,” Somras added further.


It’s the virtual weight of brain which actually results in shifting of body’s centre of gravity (COG) to head. With COG around head, a person finds it tough to stand on his own feet. More drunk is the person, greater the virtual weight and higher is the possibility that he/she will fall on the ground.


Somaras, is currently working on impact of weed on body’s centre of gravity. One of his close associate revealed that, in early stage of his research he has found that body’s COG vanishes from body, that’s why people feel like flying after smoking weed.



Why go abroad to copy the best practices? Bollywood asks Karnataka MLAs

Mumbai. The news of 30 MLAs from Karnataka taking off on an Amazon safari to study waterfalls and to understand its flora and fauna seems to have enraged one more entity besides Arnab Goswami.


The Mumbai based industry has for the first time come out in open taking on politicians by slamming the alleged study tour and calling it a sham.


Bollywood Hollywood

Why go abroad to change just one letter?



“They want to learn from foreign countries and implement those ideas at home. Fine, but why spend money to go abroad!?” wondered Music director Pritam, who claimed that he didn’t go to Indonesia when he copied the tunes for his “Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai ” song or any trip to Korea for “Pehli Nazar Mein ” song.


Pritiam’s logic was echoed by veterans like Anu Malik who wondered why can’t the MLAs just watch YouTube videos and CDs of Amazon forest to copy them.


“In this age of information technology, you don’t need to spend so much to copy ideas from abroad!” he added.


Mahesh Bhatt, another veteran with strong views on social issues, too blasted the MLAs and claimed that it was already a “Murder” of democracy when Karnataka MLAs had gone on a similar junket last year. Bhatt claimed that the MLAs were being “Unfaithful ” to the people.


“Now that they have done it again, it’s ‘Murder-2’, and the citizens have to ‘The Chaser ’ and stop them from going abroad,” Bhatt proposed, “If we don’t protest and expose them, they will continue to have ‘The Hidden Face ’ and indulge in ‘Murder-3’ shamelessly.”



Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Santa Claus visits Lucknow, Mayawati asks his caste

On Christmas eve, Santa Claus visited many Indian cities. Faking News reporters have sent the following report about his experiences:


New Delhi: As soon as Santa Claus entered the city, he was mobbed by excited AAP supporters. They took him to an ongoing mohalla sabha in Rajouri garden and asked him how he decides on what gifts to give. They were disappointed that Santa doesn’t send SMSes to people asking for their opinions on gifts, and instead prefers to give them a surprise.


Mumbai: Santa was confused as he found chimneys in a couple of shopping complexes and no chimneys in homes. He arrived late due to traffic and couldn’t park his reindeer cart anywhere. He was almost beaten up by MNS workers who confused North Pole for North India. But he could escape by giving the best gifts to the local population.


Santa Claus

Santa Claus is coming to town



Kolkata: Santa was again in trouble as he was confused for being Maoist supporter due to his red dress. Later Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee apologized and clarified that she was secular enough to allow red on Christmas.


Chennai: First thing Santa did after reaching Chennai was to change his clothes, as it was too hot there. “My traditional dress is winter wear and I can’t use them here,” said Santa, sporting three quarter pant and a cotton t-shirt.


Bangalore: As expected, he was welcomed by IT company’s executives who thought Santa must have brought some business from US, but they were left disappointed. Santa gifted some Christmas holidays as gifts to a few lucky IT guys, but those leaves were later cancelled by the bosses.


Hyderabad: The moment Santa landed in Hyderabad, he was bombarded with question regarding his stand on creation of Telangana. Confused Santa left the city after eating Biryani.


Ahmedabad: Santa was told that Ahmedabad was even better than North Pole and he should settle in the city. Santa promised to look into the offer and headed for remaining cities soon.


Lucknow: Mayawati greeted him an unusual question “kaun se caste ke ho?” to which Santa said “Ho Ho Ho”. He was immediately branded a Samajwadi Party supporter due to his ridiculous answer and red color. Later Samajwadi Party leaders asked him to get a picture clicked with CM Akhilesh Yadav. Santa did that, and afterwards no one bothered about him.


Patna: Santa had to walk around on foot as his reindeers refused to enter Patna after someone scared them about Lalu Yadav’s fodder scam. Lalu blamed communal forces for spreading the rumor and he invited Santa to his house. Lalu also gifted Santa a couple of oxen and a lantern, and suggested him to move around in a bullock cart.



Gifts Santa Claus brought for Indian celebs

Unknown sources from centuries have confirmed that Santa Claus brings gifts for children on Christmas even, but Faking News sources have revealed that this Christmas, Santa Claus brought gifts for some grown-ups too in India. This is what they got:


Arvind Kejriwal


Even a magic wand may not fulfill all the promises, Santa cautioned.

Given that he had promised a lot to the aam aadmi in Delhi, some of which seem very difficult, he will need a magic wand. This magic wand was desperately sought by the UPA government too, but somehow Santa never gifted this to them.



Narendra Modi


AAP topi

Much needed to stop AAP from eating away his urban voters, who could otherwise vote for BJP if not for Congress.



Bigg Boss viewers


Those who still watch Bigg Boss seriously need to get one.

Those who watch the reality show without fail and with all seriousness need to get one.



Sachin Tendulkar


Cricket Abdominal Guards

Sachin was surprised to find two abdominal guards, even though he has retired from Cricket. Later, he realized that Santa wanted him to wear those on his ears when he attends noisy parliament sessions.



Baba Ramdev


Baba Ramdev

Baba was given Center Fresh chewing gum, which puts ‘zabaan pe lagaam’. Baba has been issuing all kinds of stupid statements of late.



Beni Prasad Varma


So that he starts behaving normally in front of media.

Like Baba, Beni too comes up with statements that are batshit crazy, which makes it appear that he badly needs to get over the effect of what he had.



Mulayam Singh Yadav


This will help them stick to their stand without taking u-turns.

This will help them stick to his stand without taking any more u-turns.



Sanjay Jha


So that he can take some break from sucking up to Gandhis for a while.

So that he can take some break from sucking up to the High Command, especially to Rahul Gandhi.



Rahul Gandhi


Even Santa could stop himself from trolling Rahul Baba.

Even Santa could stop himself from trolling Rahul Baba.




Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Inspired by Bigg Boss, man starts speaking to his camera phone for hours everyday

Gurgaon. A software engineer working for an IT firm has become the first documented case to suffer from what psychologists are beginning to call the “Big Boss Syndrome”.


Much like participants on the much watched show on the TV channel Colors, the man (called Rahul Raj) had started speaking into his (phone) camera for hours on end, about how things around him were making him feel.


Bigg Boss

One of the alleged celebrities of Bigg Boss talking to the camera



“He called me a shithead and an asshole, while looking into his camera,” Rahul’s boss, Sanjay said, “But he told me later that he was sure that they would edit these parts later, before they aired it.”


“I really hope they do,” Sanjay added.


“He was a normal introvert software engineer until he started watching Bigg Boss,” one of Rahul’s colleagues said, on condition of anonymity, “Now he just keeps saying random stuff about us or his boss into his phone’s camera. At times, he just breaks into a random song with his phone’s camera lens pointed at himself.”


“Maybe he feel trapped in his office, where he thinks that others are going to earn more than him by bitching about him,” a psychologist tried to diagnose Rahul’s behavior, “Or maybe he has just lost his mind after watching that shitty show.”


While psychologists are analyzing the causes, Faking News could witness this phenomenon live.


“There’s a guy in T shirt and pants here,” Rahul said into his camera, on spotting this Faking News reporter in the distance. “I wish I too could wear casuals to office.”