Faking News - leading news satire website of India: July 2013

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Boy grows up to be a man while put on hold by Vodafone customer care

New Delhi. A local boy today stunned everyone by claiming that he was put on hold for 5 years by Vodafone customer care before he was finally connected to a call center executive. In the process, the boy grew up from being a 15 years old juvenile to an adult aged 20 years.

“I had called to opt for GPRS internet subscription way back in 2008, and now when I finally managed to get through, I realized that even 2G had become outdated, so opted for a 3G scheme,” explained Kishor, the boy-turned-man.

“Now I know verbatim what shit they say when you press any key from1 to 9. I pressed all possible combinations to finally reach the right option, before I was put on hold,” Kishore recalled.

It is easier to understand what a zoozoo is saying than a Vodafone customer care executive

“I was moved when they said ‘Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line.’ and I believed them,” Kishore explained why he kept on waiting, “It’s just that they should have specified the time I would have to wait. I could have gone to US and done my grads there, and come back in time for the call to get connected.”

Apart from academic years, what Kishor rues is that he couldn’t make the most of his golden “juvenile” years.

“Now who will return my punishment free juvenile years? I had plans to loot petrol pumps, molest a few girls in my school, and walk away scot-free. Who is going to pay for that?” Kishor demanded compensation.

“I am calculating the notional loss that this episode has caused me with help from former CAG Mr. Vinod Rai, and I will soon drag Vodafone to court,” he threatened.

“He can take any legal action and go to any court he wants. No court is going to buy his argument that he was kept on line for 5 years. Even a zoozoo knows that Vodafone network sucks and longest we have had a call without it getting dropped is not more than 5 minutes,” a Vodafone representative told Faking News.

“On the contrary, now that he is no longer a juvenile, we will sue him for abusing our bots executives,” the Vodafone representative added before hanging up. Faking News can’t confirm if he angrily disconnected or the call got dropped.

Meanwhile Kishor’s elder brother, having AirTel broadband connection, was still going strong for over 6 years now in his quest to speak with their customer care executive. He was following India-Bermuda cricket match of 2007 world cup on Cricinfo before the internet stopped working.

A page from the jail diary of Sanjay Dutt

Faking News has exclusively accessed a page of Sanjay Dutt’s diary that he’s writing in Yerwada Central Jail in Pune. We got it after paying 5000 rupees bribe, but are reproducing here for free:

Sanjay Dutt in a pensive mood

Woke up at 6:30 in morning and started the day with The Times of India . Front page story says “At 66, Mother India gets ready for her 29th baby.”

I turned emotional reading this. It was closely related to two events – Mother India, a role that my mother played, and Hyderabad, the city shown in my last movie Policegiri.

I tried to regain my composure by reading other news on the front page. There was news about Taliban attacking jail and freeing 300 prisoners, but it was in Pakistan, not Pune. Felt trolled.

There was also news on rupee falling further against US Dollar, which reminded me of Munnabhai Chale America.

I threw away the newspaper and proceeded to have breakfast.

You know, breakfast without knives and forks ends faster than expected. Now habituated of this, and enjoying. It’s not that bad as once pointed by Oprah Winfrey.

My day job is of making paper bags. I picked up the depressing newspaper and made bags out of it. Felt relieved.

But I don’t know why do they want me to make these bags. These guys can earn if they make me make faces. I mean, they can invite visitors and charge for clicking pictures with me. Rs.50 for a photo with sad-faced Sanju Baba and Rs.500 for a photo with smiling Sanju Baba, extra Rs. 50 for wrapping my arm around visitor’s shoulders.

I am yet to hear back on this proposal given to them. So another day of paper bag making.

I also met a new inmate, Raghu is his name, no, not that MTV Roadies guy. He is here in a hit-and-run case. No, he’s not a Salman Khan fan as well. He’s a fan of SRK and is feeling bad that he would miss Chennai Express. Felt a bit jealous of SRK. He could get all this fame without going to jail.

Had a simple lunch and went back to making paper bags. Who uses them in this rainy season?!

In the evening, read a few pages from “Manmohan Singh’s Speeches : Volume III”. Not joking! Got it from the jail library.

Somehow Manmohan Singh reminded me of not being free and being chained. This thought has troubled me for long. In fact, I’m having dreams of The Shawshank Redemption.

But I’ve no such plans of jailbreak. Just a couple of years more, and who knows, maybe Justice Katju’s letters could work.

Sand mafia pardons suspended UP officer

Lucknow. Showing a large heart and a merciful nature, the sand mafia of Uttar Pradesh has decided to forgive suspended IAS officer Durga Shakti Nagpal, even though the state government is planning file a chargesheet against her.

Akhilesh Yadav, apparently responsible for law and order, is reported to have taken the request by the mafia seriously and he could soon pardon the officer.

“It was her first posting in the state and first offense, so we have decided to be lenient,” said Balu Singh, local extortionist and part of the sand mafia.

The groups involved in illegal mining have written a letter to Chief Minister Akhilesh Yadav and have requested him to revoke the suspension of the IAS officer, who had gone astray from her conventional duties of sitting in the AC office to clamp down on the mafia.

“She was accused of demolishing a mosque and creating communal tensions. She must be feeling sleepless and scared of fundamentalists in the last few days. I think that’s strong enough a lesson for a first time offender,” Balu told Faking News.

Balu further disclosed that the mafia members are willing to go a step ahead and facilitate the suspended officer.

“We will give her something like Shanmughan Manjunath Memorial award to cheer her up,” Balu referred to the IOC officer who was killed in Lakhimpur Kheri for stopping petrol adulteration.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Cricket bookies, pickpockets, etc. elect their Telangana chiefs

Hyderabad. While it may take at least six months before a new Telangana state gets functional, concerned stakeholders have already started preparations.

Political parties are not the only one calculating new equations and redistribution of power, even the dark corridors of betting and other illegal activities is buzzing with gossips of possible new area chiefs.

“There would be new Ministers, new IAS officers holding new offices, new local police heads once a new state is formed, we’ve to be ready for it,” Tilu Johnny, a cricket bookie told Faking News, “We will also need new people who coordinate with these new power centers and give them their ‘commissions’, hence we are also reorganizing ourselves.”

Handcuff - one hand in Andhra, another in Telangana

United by Crimes, divided by States

“We will have two separate wings now, one for each state,” Tilu explained how the new state will affect his business.

“I will be the head of the Telangana wing,” Tilu informed with a smile as we congratulated him on his new post.

Even state level pickpocket rackets are also reshuffling their top order. A formal cadre division will take place and members native of Telangana area will be posted only in Telangana.

“Now our business will be spread across two states. It gives us a feeling that we are a part of some big organization,” said Raju, team leader of a pickpocket group operating in the Hyderabad region.

“These things are very important, as after border will be drawn even the political masters will change. These steps will benefit business on whole as local guys will be having a better tuning with local politicians,” claimed an illegal business analyst.

If sources are to be believed these illegal outfits are even planning for a breakup party.

“We don’t want to separate with any grudge in our heart,” said an excited member of a chain-snatching gang, “This cadre division process is happening quite peacefully without any ugly fight. We are more mature than our politicians.”

UPA releases “Telangana Express” ahead of elections

UPA government, headed by the Congress party, today approved formation of a new state – Telangana – to be carved out of existing Andhra Pradesh. Will it help in the journey to Delhi?

Poster of Chennai Express as Telangana Express

Will it be a superhit?

Unfazed by High Court order, Srini offers to revamp judiciary like cricket

Chennai. Media might be calling it “Blow to Srini”, but the BCCI boss N Srinivasan is not concerned. After Bombay High Court slammed the BCCI for conducting inquiries and investigations in an unconstitutional and illegal manner, Srini has in turn offered to “reform” judiciary.

“Why is High Court so jealous of us, only because we delivered a fast verdict?” said Srini running his hand through his hair, “Lakhs of cases are pending and people don’t know what to do. We can provide an alternate judiciary, which will overcome all shortcomings of the current one.”

Srini showing his firm resolve for making Indian judicial system as strong as cement

As any new parallel judiciary system will need a lot of human resource so reportedly BCCI has proper plans for monetization too.

“We can live broadcast high profile cases of public concern. We can show advertisements between and can have good source of revenue too. Can you imagine how much money can Salmaan Khan trial can generate? It will break all records,” Srini sounded almost like his bête noire Lalit Modi.

While the government or opposition is silent on Srini’s claims, the President of India is impressed with the move.

“Long time, no mercy petitions to reject,” Pranab Da rued the slow pace of current judiciary, “I think Supreme Court should retire after 65 years of service in independent India. Even Tendulkar retired!”

“Our job is made very simple. We can now stop all the futile investigations and things like evidence gathering. All we need is to find out the son-in-laws of the judges and be nice to them and everything will be taken care,” said the chief of a city police who requested anonymity.

It has also been proposed that all the judges will be given a bat and ball and sent to the cricket academy as a way of keeping their livelihood. “The only flip side is, as these judges get trained and come to play serious cricket, we can see a lot of drawn matches,” said a BCCI official, who is also supporter of Srini.

Srini said that he was serious about reforming judiciary: “The processes need to be made faster and simpler. Say, why can’t appeals be filed shouting ‘Howzzaattt’ in the courts and not taking to a higher court?”

“I am as serious about reforming judiciary as I was about cleaning cricket,” he added.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Who will win the 2014 General Elections?

The results of the Opinion Poll conducted by Faking News are out. Find out who will win the next elections:

The proportion in which various parties will win Lok Sabha seats

7 alternate uses of the Noida F1 race track

Formula 1 boss Bernie Ecclestone has hinted that there may not be an Indian Grand Prix after 2013. This will mean that the huge investment made on Buddh International Circuit will go totally waste.

Faking News has come up with a few ideas to recoup some of the investment made and possibly, make some profit too. Here is the list of 7 alternate uses of Buddh International Circuit which can help recover the investment:

These rare pothole free roads of India might not see such cars again

1. Rent it out to the stunt bikers from Delhi. The stuntmen will get an open space to showcase their talent and Delhi roads will be free of the biker menace.

2. Conduct a race between the leaders of different political parties to decide the Prime Minister in 2014. A race will ensure that only a physically fit person becomes PM and we don’t have a weak PM ever again.

3. Akhilesh Yadav can shift all the statues of Mayawati there. This way, he can get rid of Mayawati statues from UP without actually destroying them which may have caused trouble.

4. Rent it out to Lokpal activists for their regular protest rallies for Lokpal bill. Since Lokpal bill is not expected to be passed in foreseeable future, this can be a long term business. Akhilesh can promise that there will be no midnight police crackdown to attract even other protest rallies.

5. Rent it out as a shooting location to Rohit Shetty for his films. He can overturn as many Mahindra Scorpios as he wants on the track without having to worry about public safety.

6. Rent it out to Raj Babbar as the place to launch his “Rs 12 Public Bhojnalaya”. There is expected to be a great demand for such an enterprise and only a place as big as this circuit can accommodate all the people expected to visit this bhojnalaya.

7. Use it as an alternate landing strip for airplanes coming to Delhi when Indira Gandhi International airport gets flooded again during monsoon.

Please suggest any other possible use of this track to help the investors.

N Srinivasan starts strategy consultancy promoting institutional corruption

Chennai. Having survived controversies ranging from conflict of interest in owning an IPL team, employing the Indian captain in his private venture, and the IPL match fixing/betting scandal, stepped aside BCCI chief N Srinivasan today announced that he was starting a strategy consultancy firm U-COR (United in Corruption).

“I am not selfish and want everyone to benefit,” Srini told Faking News in an exclusive interview, “There is no dearth of corrupt talent in our country, what is required is training people in institutionalizing corruption.”

Srinivasan wondering if he can make more money through consultancy or cricket

“United we stand, divided we fall,” Srini explained the motto of U-COR.

“I am close friends with politicians from the Congress, BJP, left parties, NCP, SP, BSP, etc. etc. God knows how many political parties are there now,” the BCCI boss revealed the secret of his success, “These parties have helped me, and now I want to help them; by providing them consultancy.”

The consultancy will be paid for, Srini clarified in a party organized to launch is new company.

Mr. Srinivasan disclosed that there was a mad rush of investors for his firm, including many politicians, senior bureaucrats, defense personnel, and cricketers.

“I can’t disclose their names. They are reputed people, with a huge unaccounted for money,” Srini said.

The holding company structure was quite confusing to this correspondent who couldn’t really understand it. Mr. Srinivasan clarified that there was nothing unscrupulous or illegal here, and the financial holding structure has been borrowed from the IPL franchisee model, which is open to the world.

Maran brothers from the Sun TV, with their immense expertise in this domain, have been instrumental in finalizing this structure, sources say.

While N Srinivasan will be the chief consultant and executive of U-COR, many others who have recently got clean chits, such as Pawan Bansal, have been roped in as partners. Unconfirmed sources say that the son-in-law duo of Gurunath Meiyappan and Robert Vadra has been roped in as consultancy enthusiasts.

Bollywood forms their own BCCI to give clean chits to celebs with criminal cases

Mumbai. Taking a cue from the BCCI (Board of Control for Cricket in India), entire Bollywood has come together and formed a committee called BCCI (Bollywood crime control Investigation) to give clean chits probe all crimes committed by the fraternity.

“Bollywood is much bigger industry than cricket. If cricket guys are allowed to probe their cases, so should we,” argued Raza Murad, who came uninvited at our office and left in a hurry as he was getting late for a shoot to give bytes to media present at the cremation of a spot boy.

“And we have actors too who can play the role of judge, prosecutor, defense lawyer etc. in such probes,” added Arjun Rampal, though it is not sure if by actors he meant himself.

Mahesh Bhatt could become the first and possibly the lifetime President of the BCCI

“Don’t be under the impression that we are going to give clean chits so easily. The clean chits will be given to everybody only after a thorough probe is done by a panel headed by me,” clarified Mahesh Bhatt, a self proclaimed judge of anything and everything to do with Bollywood and this country.

After taking required permission from the Law Ministry, the new BCCI will reopen Sanjay Dutt’s case and he could thus become the first person to get clean chit in the 1993 bomb blasts case. Following this, clean chits would be given to Shiney Ahuja for the rape case against him and to all others who at some point have committed some crime or other.

Serial offender Salman Khan has also sought preemptive clean chits for all future crimes that he intends to do.

“Pak gaya tha yaar keh keh ke that my case is sub-judice. Now finally after so many years I can concentrate on my new crimes films,” said Salman Khan who was on his way to buy a 3 BHK flat to store all the clean chits he will get for various crimes he has done.

Sunny Deol was confident that BCCI would settle cases really fast and there would be no taareekh pe taareekh pe taareekh

“Bollywood has done a lot for people of this country by entertaining and teaching them good morals at the same time. Furthermore, these guys have already suffered because of many of them being tried under civil laws. Therefore they should be exempted from certain laws and regulations,” said Justice Katju lending his support to this demand.

Sources say that the new BCCI could also give clean chits to likes of Uday Chopra, Sajid Khan, etc. for various cases of mental torture registered against them.

Meanwhile in Pakistan, Dawood Ibrahim has also set up a probe headed by Chhota Shakeel and Anees Ibrahim to give himself clean chits in all extortion cases registered against him. However for other criminal cases against him and 1993 bomb blasts, he has expressed full faith in Indian Judiciary.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Upset with wrong portrayal, JNU Students Union bans Raanjhanaa

New Delhi. After deliberating for weeks, JNU Students Union has banned the recent hit Raanjhanaa. Earlier, the movie was banned in Pakistan, though due to different reasons.

The reason for ban in JNU, according to our sources, is the stylishly inauthentic portrayal of JNU student leaders.

When Faking News reached the campus to get an opinion from the campus president J Kumar, a tall lanky malnourished looking bearded man in his early thirties, he asked us to wait as he was in the middle of a party meeting discussing the modalities of the next hunger strike.

Amidst puffs of cigarette and sips of tea, the veteran later told us, “Didn’t the makers of the film do any research? They should have met us, stayed with us in our rooms and accompanied us on our various morchas and meetings to get a better understanding of what constitutes a JNU student leader.”

“Look around and show me one man with a neatly trimmed beard, wearing a fitted kurta in bright summery colors, aviators, dimpled smile, and walking with a swagger?” Kumar threw open the challenge.

JNU hardly sees such images, student leaders claim.

This reporter did look around and was surprised to find men and women of varying height and weight, dressed in jeans which competed for the ‘last washed’ prize, chappals dangerously close to disintegration and sack-like kurtas that showed solidarity in their degrees of fadedness.

“The kurta is our heritage. Its fadedness is directly proportional to a student leader’s commitment to the cause. The students and authorities should be aware of the mehnat and paseena that goes into running a democratic egalitarian campus. Washing the kurta would be equivalent to washing away the mehnat and this is unacceptable to anyone who is sincere and dedicated,” a junior student leader added.

“What they depicted in the film is against the values that we hold dear. And let us not even talk about the missing jhola,” he concluded with a dismissive toss of his head.

When asked what were the other aspects of the film that were problematic, J Kumar took out the last cigarette from the pack and indicated to Tilak, the dhabawallah to bring him his seventeenth cup of tea.

Pondering deeply, he replied, “The part where Abhay Deol is shown cheating in the exams. It was factually incorrect.” When asked to explicate, he took a deep puff coughed for ten seconds cleared his throat and began, “Most of the student leaders are old enough to be married with kids. But they have fossilized in their snail-paced PhDs only so that they can stay on in the campus and work for the betterment of the students and maybe at a later stage the betterment of the country. Now, a PhD student doesn’t have to take exams. It is four years of fun and fucking around with a hurried submission of the dissertation in the last month of the last year; quality be damned!”

By this time, a large group of old fossils leaders and future aspirants had gathered around us. As a last attempt, we asked whether there was any part at all that managed to touch a cord with them. They were unanimous in saying that they appreciated when a large group of students were shown theorizing why Kundan, the character played by Dhanush, had become a thief, and arriving at the same reason that Kundan himself had provided – because he was poor.

“You see, answers to most questions are simple. But it is important to theorize and jargonize because simple answers don’t give you credibility. Bombast is the hallmark of a leader,” said J Kumar.

“But that was not good enough for not getting banned,” he averred.

To prove that this ban was not against “free speech”, students leaders are planning various activities. While a hunger strike has already been announced, others are passionately rehearsing for a street play named Raanjhanaa-na.

Millions forget how to type as Facebook allows pictures in comments

Ever since Facebook has started image upload feature in comments section of a status, there has been a dramatic increase in the number of people who claim that they have totally forgotten how to type or how to converse with people without using images.

This phenomenon has not just affected them virtually but the impacts are being seen even in the real world.

There have been reports of people forgetting how to speak with others and are now helplessly communicating through sign language. And almost 100% of these are revealed to be Facebook addicts except for Dr Manmohan Singh.

This latest feature has received thumbs down from family and friends of Facebook users.

Preliminary investigations have unearthed various pics and images that represent different thoughts and expressions from the pockets of these people which shows that this is there only mode of communication now.

When we asked a handful of them as to what has happened to them, they showed us various pics of Manmohan Singh probably to convey that they have lost their ability to speak or talk.

Colleagues, friends and family members of these people are totally confused with this sudden change in their behaviour.

“The other day I asked my boyfriend if he has gone nuts and he showed me Digvijay Singh’s pic probably to confirm he has,” said an exasperated girlfriend of a Facebook Addict. “I mean I have been asking him to keep shut if he can’t talk sense but this was definitely not what I meant. Now I am downloading Arnab Goswami’s pic to give him a piece of my mind,” added the girl.

On the other hand the boyfriend claims that on showing the same Digvijay pic to another girl in his college, he was beaten by sandals as she thought he was calling her a “100% Tunch Maal”.

Experts say this signals the transition of human race back to the era of pictorial language, cave paintings etc. “If some action is not taken soon we could be staring at the possibility of going back to Stone Age. The Shree Ganesh are already been done by our esteemed politicians by claiming prices of meals that looks low for even Stone age period,” warned an expert.

Meanwhile in another Facebook related event threatening human evolution, three students in a Mumbai high school were failed when they drew ‘like’ signs as answers to the questions asked in term examination.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Sunday Cartoon : UPA Food Court

You can get meals for really affordable prices at this food court. Check out the different rates.

UPA to bring Right to Anger Management after Rahul Gandhi calls to reduce anger

New Delhi. The government on Saturday decided to issue an ordinance to give 65 % of Indian population the right to anger management classes.

Government took this decision after Congress Vice-President, Rahul Gandhi pointed out that there was a “lot of anger” in India which should be brought down.

Government swung into action immediately after this remark by Mr. Gandhi and prepared this plan within a day to reduce anger in the country. This comes close on heels of Planning Commission having reduced poverty.

An angry Rahul Gandhi had torn away Samajwadi Party’s manifesto earlier, but it didn’t help Congress win the elections, and Rahul realized that getting angry was of no use.

The anger management program, when implemented, will be the biggest in the world with the government spending estimated at Rs 100,000 crores per year, mostly on hiring trained anger management professionals and setting up centers in every community.

Every Indian below the age of 35 will be covered under this bill as they are the ones most angry in the country. Age criteria will be relaxed for those who are regular on Twitter, drive in NCR, or watch prime time news debates without fail i.e. people at perpetual risk of getting angry.

Making this announcement, senior Congress leader Ajay Maken said, “We always why our economy didn’t grow as expected. Thanks to Shri Rahul Gandhi ji, we know that we are wasting energy getting angry. And thanks to our leading policy makers, we have a solution – Right to Anger Management.”

“We will roll out this program on 20th August to commemorate Shri Rajiv Gandhi’s birthday and by March 2014, these anger management classes will be running in the entire country. This program is being implemented at a rapid pace as we need to ensure that people don’t vote in anger during the next Lok Sabha elections,” Mr. Maken added.

When this Faking News reporter pointed it out to Mr. Maken that most Indians were angry with the government and better governance may reduce public anger, Mr. Maken retorted, “Oh come on, you think only government is responsible for rising public anger? Some people are angry because they can’t get visa to USA, some are angry because Sajid Khan is still making films, some are angry that Rohit Sharma is still playing international cricket, and some are angry because they were born in Gujarat. We have statistics to support these findings. Don’t just put the blame on the government.”

When asked why they don’t debate it in the parliament first, Mr. Maken replied, “Have you ever seen the parliament proceedings? Everyone loves to stay angry there, don’t think they will allow such a bill to pass through. We had to do it via ordinance. Now we will submit it to the President for his approval.”

As per sources, President Pranab Mukherjee is expected to sign this ordinance.

“In fact, Pranab Da wanted such a bill to come into effect for at least two years, first when he had to deal with Mamata Di, and later when an angry Arnab Goswami blasted his son for dented-painted comment,” a source revealed why the President could quickly approve the ordinance.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Rapper Honey Singh slams Digvijay Singh for using “tunch maal”

Chandigarh. Rapper Yo Yo Honey Singh, who recently got reprieve by High Court in a vulgar song case, has slammed Congress leader Digvijay Singh for calling a fellow female party leader “tunch maal ”.

Yo Yo Honey Singh claimed that he was working towards reducing commoditization of woman in the society and would continue his good work

“Pencho! What a sexist and obscene term! I’d never use such words in my songs,” Honey Singh told Faking News, “I mean, I don’t want to sound too politically correct and I won’t enforce any censorship, but if Digvijay Singh wants to use such terms, he should also become a rapper.”

The popular Punjabi rapper even suggested a “hip” and “cool” nickname for Digvijay Singh if he becomes a rapper – Bho Bho Digvijay Singh.

When asked how he came to know about the term “tunch maal”, Yo Yo Honey Singh said that his Bhojpuri partner Fo Fo Frustu Singh had once used this term in a song, but both of them rejected it after some serious deliberations.

“I have some minimum standards that I always meet,” the rapper claimed.

“And no, I’ve no affiliations with RSS. My criticism is only literary,” the rapper added as a pre-emptive defense.

Rahul Gandhi to marry to give India its own Royal Baby

In a startling announcement, Rahul Gandhi has declared that he will give India her very own Royal Baby. Sonia Gandhi, backing her son’s decision, has acknowledged that Rahul hasn’t worked too well for the country and its time for another baby.

Speculation is rife on who the mother-to-be will be. The media has been camping outside the Rahul Gandhi’s quarters on 12, Tughlak Lane, New Delhi

“Doing it for Country,” said Rahul.

for the past 48 hours since this announcement, capturing footage of every secretary/ female attendant who has thus walked into Rahul Gandhi’s chambers.

“There needs to be some kind of expectation management,” complained Digvijaya Singh. “This is Rahul Gandhi, not Bill Clinton. And the Royal Baby is not some jhat-pat two minute Maggi noodles!”

Sources close to the Gandhi family claim that Rahul was extremely moved when he saw clippings of thousands of loyal British subjects collecting outside the Queen’s Palace to welcome (their) Royal Baby. That was the kind of support Rahul has always dreamt of.

It is widely acknowledged that production of the Royal Baby is probably the British Royalty’s only real contribution to their economy. It is estimated that the Royal Baby’s birth will add $ 550 million to the British GDP this year alone due to extended celebrations and boosted tourism.

“I offer this nation the only meaningful thing I bring to the table – My genes,” an inspired Rahul Gandhi declared to roaring applause 3 days later in New Delhi. “The government needs a fresh face. Someone young, dynamic and mobilizing,” continued the leader of the Indian Youth Congress.

The baby will be titled “Chotta President of the Indian National Congress,” thus becoming, possibly, the cleanest and least corrupt member of the Indian parliament. It is not long, however, before the baby is expected to learn the tricks of the trade and the number of Gs in his alphabet.

It has been decided to institute a festival every year similar to Janmashtami to mark the birth of the Royal Baby. We have celebrated Makhan Chor for so long. It is now time to celebrate the Tax Chor.

The sex of the baby is still unknown but it is widely acknowledged that the weight of the new born baby will be greater than the weight of our 82 year old prime minister.

Meanwhile, NDTV Imagine has announced the launch of a new reality T.V. show titled “The Game of Thrones.” It is similar to a pageant wherein viewers vote for who they think to be the most eligible contestant to become Rahul Gandhi’s wife. Political analysts have lauded the move, saying that this will perhaps become the most democratic way in history in which our Government’s Chairperson will be selected. Many girls are reportedly excited to get married to the ‘young’ Gandhi, these include girls taking part in DID SuperMoms, Kingfisher air-hostesses, and even waitresses from foreign countries.

Rahul Gandhi is unavailable for comments as he has already gone on his paternity leave.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Raj Babbar beaten up for paying only Rs 12 after having lunch in a restaurant

Mumbai. Congress spokesperson and Bollywood actor Raj Babbar was today beaten black and blue by bouncers of a small restaurant in South Mumbai when he tried to leave their premises after paying only Rs 12 for having a sumptuous meal there.

The actor had gone there to have a late lunch after he was left totally tired and hungry justifying his “Rs 12 for a meal in Mumbai” claim to several News Channels throughout the day.

Onlookers present in the restaurant say that the hotel staff appeared extremely delighted to see a personality as big as Raj Babbar entering their restaurant for what looked like a lone outing. They were looking forward to give him the best possible experience and in the end were also looking for an opportunity to click a photograph with him, which they would then frame and put it in their Hall of fame.

According to the manager who was attending to Raj Babbar, the actor started his lunch with a soup followed it with starters which was followed by a main-course and ended it with a banana split ice-cream (little did he know that his bones would be split later).

A file photo of Raj Babbar before the incident. The photo after the incident can jolt the daylights out of our readers.

“And even before we could present him the bill he took out 12 rupees from his pocket and gestured to me to collect it. We were initially confused and thought if Raj Babbar was asking us to get a cigarette, paan, or vada paav for him from outside. But things turned nasty when he got up and began leaving the premises,” the hotel manager recalled.

“When we tried to stop him, he said he will click photographs and sign autographs some other day as his schedule was pack for the day. But we told him that he was being stopped to pay the bill and not for autographs! Following this, he became angry and argued that the meal couldn’t be more than 12 rupees in Mumbai.”

“We realized that he was trying to act smart and sent our bouncers after him to collect the total bill of Rs 2864 that he owed us. When he refused to budge, we had no other option to rough up with him,” the manager explained how the situation turned ugly.

The actor was later admitted to Breach Candy Hospital only after his wife convinced the hospital authorities that they would pay whatever is the actual expense instead of any absurd figure that her husband comes up with.

An unrecognizable Raj Babbar, who is now recovering and in a state of shock, told Faking News, “This is gundagardi. I even left a hefty tip of 5 paisa over and above 12 rupees. I did not wait for the bill because I was on my way to buy a 2 BHK flat in Colaba for Rs 24,000 rupees and was getting late to meet the broker. Now I will take up the matter with the high command and hopefully we will see the Youth Congress shutting down the restaurant by evening.”

Meanwhile ex-BJP President Nitin Gadkari was seen roaming streets of Mumbai to look for the restaurants that offer meal for Rs 12.