New Delhi. Taking a cue from the Papal election process, Congress has decided to follow the “smoke process” to signal government formation if it is invited by the President to form a coalition government after the next general elections.
“The elections are expected to throw a hung parliament, after which we will be hounded by the media for updates on government formation. Since the Radia route of communicating to media has been stopped, we have decided to take the smoke route,” Manish Tewari, Union Minister of Information & Broadcasting informed.
Making the whole process smoky transparent, Congress has announced that every party will be allotted a color – say, Blue for BSP, Red for Samajwadi party, Green for Muslim League, Yellow for NCP, etc. – and the chimney at Congress HQ quarter will emit the respective colored smoke to signal that the particular party has joined or supported the UPA-III government.
“Karunanidhi is insisting on Black color for DMK, but we are trying to convince him to choose any other color from the spectrum, as black smoke signals no decision as per the papal election process,” Tewari told Faking News, “We are sure DMK will agree, after all the whole spectrum belongs to them!”
Congratulations! You have a new government.
A microprocessor based special chimney is being imported from China to be installed at Congress HQ at Akbar Road in Delhi.
The chimney shall start emitting black smoke as soon as a hung parliament appears inevitable. This will also signal an invitation to the rest of the political parties to join the negotiations.
The moment a party gives consent to join UPA-III, the relevant colored smoke shall start coming out from the chimney. Media would be expected to start breaking news and discussing the consequences till the next color is emitted from the chimney.
Progressively, there shall be a rainbow of smoke as each party joins in. Finally, a white smoke shall indicate attainment of majority numbers and formation of the government. This will be followed by fireworks from the same chimney.
Lakhs of Congress supporters are expected to assemble outside the headquarters to watch white smoke come out of the chimney. Supporters will then start dancing and thanking Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi’s leadership.
Apprehensions were, however, expressed as to what happens when a party, particularly Mulayam Singh Yadav’s SP, after joining, changes its mind to withdraw then join again, then withdraw again to finally join again. To handle this situation high powered exhaust fans shall be installed which will diffuse the smoke of that party color indicating withdrawal.
“The media will get colorful pictures and we hope they will cover the entire event live as they cover papal elections,” Tewari hoped.
“Apart from Sonia ji, incumbent Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is also happy with this idea as it involves communication without having to speak any words,” he added.
Off the record, party sources confirm that with the Indian public having shown their deep disgust over horse trading by political parties, Congress aims to get the whole process covered under smoke screen through this plan.
Meanwhile, BJP is also contemplating a similar process to elect its Prime Ministerial candidate.
“Media can keep reporting ‘Blow to Modi’ until a white smoke is emitted,” BJP spokesman Ravi Shankar Prasad claimed how their plan was better than Congress’ plan for the media.
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