Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Man contemplates suicide after visiting all ‘50 Places to Visit Before You Die’

Bangalore. In a major blow to Idea of India, Mahendra Lodhi, a successful entrepreneur has written to the President asking his permission to commit suicide. Sources say that he s neither facing any financial distress or relationship stress but still contemplating this Krantikari move.

Mahendra Lodhi seriously thinking if his life is worth living

Friends confirm that Mahendra recently returned from a world tour and came across Pooppoop’s listicle titled, ‘50 Places To Visit Before You Die’. Excited and hoping to find new destinations for his next trip, Mahendra quickly browsed all 50 places and was crestfallen.

Flushed with investor money over last few years, Mahendra had diligently spent his time and investors money on foreign trips. By the time he came back from the latest sojourn, he had covered all 50 places from the ‘50 Places To Visit Before You Die’.

Now feeling purposeless in life, he has no intention to live anymore and as per his co-founders idea for free publicity; he is now seeking permission to end his life.

While a lot of people are making a mockery of such theatrics, Adarsh Liberals are taking the development cautiously by trying to gauge Mr. Lodhi’s political leanings. The caution though has not stopped the greatest wordsmith of our time, Shri Shri Ashutosh from displaying Pre Mature Exclamation.

“Narendra Modi must stop all foreign travel, people of Delhi are suffering. When he keeps his hair and beard grey, why is he visiting 50 different places before applying hair-dye? Why can’t he apply henna like Aam Aadmi,” he said.

When obvious mistake of him confusing the youngster’s name with PMs name was pointed out, Mr. Aashutosh swiftly ran away by jumping over his own house wall.

Meanwhile friends of Mahendra are trying to change his mind by pointing out other listicles as follows for his next adventure:

50 reasons not to commit a suicide
50 places in Syria, Iraq, Sierra Leon, Somalia and Honduras to see so that you can die
50 places to have Panipuri and enjoy dysentery

Nawaz Sharif to judge Dance Pakistan Dance, Pakistan’s first dance reality show

Islamabad: Pakistani PM Nawaz Sharif is all set to play the role of a judge on Pakistan’s first dance reality show, Dance Pakistan Dance. Pakistan’s leading entertainment channel ARY digital made this announcement after plans for the next season of Dance Pakistan Dance were revealed to the media.

Nawaz Sharif showing his moves to participants of Dance Pakistan Dance

Speaking to Faking News, a source close to the channel said, “We had absolutely no doubt in our mind when we were looking for a judge for the next season of our show. We have seen PM Sharif dance to the tunes of the army and the separatists and we feel that he does an exceptional job. We were particularly impressed by his ability to gyrate in any direction and still maintain his composure. That coupled with his facial expressions and emotions that we have seen at rallies, complete the package. These are not only signs of a good dancer but also an expert judge.”

PM Sharif is also excited with the prospect of hosting the show and has also agreed to train the participants if required.

“Sharif Saab is more than just a politician. He is an avid traveler and a very good dancer. I hope he gets a chance to showcase his backward bend that he so skillfully mastered. Politics happened by chance,” said an aide close to the PM.

This is the first time a politician has been considered for the role of a judge. Given their busy commitments, most politicians refrain from being a part of reality shows. “Usually people join politics after they are done with cricket or TV. But this is probably the first time in Pakistan that someone is trying to change the trend,” said a representative from ARY.

Our sources tell us that Pak army chief has given the green signal to Nawaz Sharif for being part of the show. “We have no issues with it. In fact we are happy that he is showcasing his skills to the masses. This is what we have been saying all this while, you do what you are good at and leave the decision making to us,” said General Raheel Sharif, General of Pakistani Army.

Meanwhile, former cricketer Imran Khan has used this opportunity to criticize Nawaz Sharaf once again. Speaking at a rally in Islamabad he said, “Sharif Sahab se meri darkhaust hai ki woh apni umar ka lihaz kare. Mai ab bhi unko challenge karta hu, meri bowling face kare ya fir istifa dekar siyasat chhod de.”

Upcoming News Channel to not hire any journalist, will recruit story writers and theater actors instead

Mumbai: Famous media house SBEN Network has announced the inauguration date of its brand-new NEWS broadcasting channel Krantikaari TV (KKTV).

KKTV news reporter busy on the job

SBEN has also announced 4 brand new news-shows “Kranti Ki Jwala – The Burning Question”, “Dead or Alive – Whole nation fights back”, ‘’Someone is Looking – The alien files” and “The Pink Squad – Common woman for justice”. These 4 news-shows promise to provide an entirely different angle to the news presentation industry.

Talking to national and international media Dr. Jagdeesh John the CEO of SBEN network said, “We are not news presenters. We are news makers. That is why we don’t need reporters. We don’t need to report anything. We create our own news and sell it to the audiences. We don’t care for TRPs or viewer preferences. We are only after truth, and nothing but the truth. Since it’s pretty expensive to find that truth, we create it.”

He further continued, “Media and news manufacturing industry runs on two types of business models these days. One business design is to send highly paid reporters out in the heat, spend on their movement and food and stuff. Get authentic news and show it, which I feel is a pretty bad model.”

“The other business model is an economical one. Under this model we have in-house artists who create amazing fictional news stories and have in-house theater actors present them with passion and aggression. People will just love the truth being shown to them, which will give us more viewership. But as I said earlier, truth and nothing but truth is our only journalistic moral,” Sir John concluded.

Owing to the nature of its promised revolutionary content, KKTV has already garnered huge investment from all major sources.

Huge recruitment drives are being conducted at Nation School of Drama and other literary and drama schools throughout the country to ramp-up the employee pipe-line for KKTV.

That is not all, celebrity writer Chetan Bhagat is being considered to be the writer for the opening news plot and super-star King Khan himself may do a special opening anchor for flagship news debate show “Kranti ki Jwala – The Burning Question”.

Not pampered for long, desperate girl serial comments on her FB profile pics to garner additional likes

Hyderabad: In what is being called as an attempt to restore the glory of glamour, an engineering student living in Jubilee Hills area of the City of Pearls has reportedly broken the record of serial commenting on her Facebook profile pictures by thanking each person who liked her profile.

Pamperita doing some self pampering

Pamperita is a self-proclaimed bubbly, fun-loving student of Computer Science engineering from a reputed college in Hyderabad. She never misses checking the likes and comments on her entire set of profile pictures everyday regardless of whether she’s at college, at home or on bed about to crash.

As per her close friends, to upload or not to upload new profile pic has been the biggest dilemma ever faced by her in life.

Tragedy struck the otherwise happy-go-lucky life of Pamperita when the number of likes and comments on her profile pictures started declining suddenly. In the last 5 days, she had received just 16 likes and 7 comments.

Unable to bear the loss of her visibility on friends’ news-feed, Pamperita started a “Thank All” mission. As part of this mission, she started thanking each person who commented on the lines of “Nice pic”, “Looking lovely”, “Don’t know which one is the real flower” and so on.

Even her latest profile pic that rarely appeared on news-feed in last 5 days, was once again creating sensation as Pamperita said “<3 you” and “Thanks again!” to the ones who had acknowledged her pic.

To the ones who commented, “Why don’t you try becoming a model? Like I said earlier, you are wasting time doing engineering”, she intelligently asked, “Can you give me the phone numbers or genuine email contacts of ad agencies looking for models?” To her surprise, most of them went offline after this question was asked.

Sources advise guys to make sure they like their girl friends’ pictures and comment to at-least fulfill the formality requirement rather than facing tough questions or googlies like friends of Pamperita faced.

Govt sets up a ‘Dawood Pakdo Abhiyan’, sets a 2050 deadline to catch him

New Delhi. With topic of nabbing Dawood Ibrahim surfacing every now and then, NDA govt has today taken a decisive step to catch the most wanted terrorist alive.

The govt is all set to launch ‘Dawood Pakdo Abhiyan’ on the lines of ‘Swachh Bharat Abhiyan’ and many other Abhiyans that the govt has initiated in last one year, under which they will seize hold of Dawood from his collar alive from Karachi. They have set a realistic deadline of year 2050 for this.

“Much has been said and planned to catch Dawood, but we haven’t moved an inch. We realize it is not possible for a govt alone to do it and would need support from all sava sau crore deshwasi,” PM Narendra Modi tweeted.

A visibly unsettled Dawood on hearing the development, insists Rajnath Singh.

Much like other abhiyans, this abhiyan too will have involvement of celebs and common people to make it a grand success.

“We all dream of catching terrorists like Dawood ourselves. This campaign will give a chance to aam aadmi of the country to fulfill those wishes and be a part of the greatest treasure hunt committed by Indian govt ever,” a visibly excited Rajnath Singh said, with pat on the back from Arvind Kejriwal.

Come September 17,on his birthday, Narendra Modi will make the launch official and nominate few people who he thinks can contribute the best.

“These guys will catch Dawoods (local dons) from their areas and then nominate others making it a chain till it actually reaches Karachi,” a source from PMO told Faking News.

“Main chahta hun jab hum gantantra diwas aur meri 100vi varshgaanth manayein tab Dawood bhi hamare kabze mein ho,” Modi is expected to say to motivate Indians.

When our reporter asked isn’t 2050 too far and he could be naturally dead by then and wouldn’t it be a delayed punishment, Giriraj Singh came out of nowhere and shot back, “Do you think staying in a country like Pakistan even for an hour is any less that punishment? And he has already spent more than 20 years there.”

“Also,we will keep on sending those dossiers to Pakistan till the day we catch him and as they say laughter is the best medicine, we are confident he will ROFL every time thereby remaining alive till 2050,” he added.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Inspired by Manjhi, corporate employee gets armed with a hammer and chisel to carve his way through a monotonous week

Bangalore: Depressed after his love ‘Friday Evening’ passed away so quickly, an employee working for a major IT firm, armed with a hammer and chisel has decided to carve his way through a monotonous week.

Corporate Manjhi toiling hard

Atul Kumar, a techie working for IT major Infitel lamented, “I thought of spending more time with my love last week but couldn’t because of the ‘mountain of work’ lying on my desk. Hammer and Chisel are just symbolic. It is my way of protesting.”

When asked to elaborate about the protest, Atul said, “My protest is against the monotony of work. It’s against the boring weekly meeting, where my boss sets unrealistic targets and humiliates all the team members for not achieving them. They talk about work life balance, but even on weekends I am called to office for work. I know a lot of my fellow employees are going through the same feeling and I don’t want them to suffer like me so I have decided to take it upon myself to do this task.”

He didn’t even spare the HR for not addressing his concerns when they are supposed to. “I blame the HR squarely for this. They treat you like a celebrity when you join and charm you with their hollow promises. But 2 years down the line, I am doing the same work without any growth prospects,” he said pointing his hammer towards the cabin of the HR Manager.

While most other employees agreed and silently supported Atul, none wanted to come on record.

Neither has Atul received any support from his superiors. His boss dismissed the protest and blamed Atul instead for focusing more on enjoying his weekend than doing any productive work.

Our reporter spoke to the HR manager of the company who said that Atul was just another victim of Monday morning blues.

“He will crib about the work, his boss and the company, like the case with most employees. Just one more week till the salary arrives in the bank account and after that all will be fine,” said the manager.

3-year old clicks random buy, sell buttons on share-trading app, makes crores amid falling markets

Mumbai: In a series of strange events Animesh Kakodkar a.k.a. Chintu, 3 year old son of Ajitesh Kakodkar a share-market broker, made 2.3 crore rupees in 7 minutes using his father’s mobile phone.

3 year old Chintu is already a stock market expert

This apparently happened when Ajitesh who was feeling giddy due to the falling share market, left his phone near his kid Chintu and went for another bathroom break. Chintu not only successfully unlocked the phone but also accessed and played with the share-trading app GharBiatheTrading.com, to make crores.

What’s more shocking was that during this period Chintu even placed a phone call to another broking company and had them sell his father’s shares which tanked in next few minutes saving him few more lakhs, each rupee of which could have been eroded otherwise.

Chintu’s father Animesh spoke to our reporter and said, “I am not very shocked that my kid did this. Random buying and selling has often made people millionaires. Although it’s serendipitous that he clicked random buttons on my phone app and he somehow sold all my tanking shares and instead invested in some reverse-market bonds and gold-based securities which later made crores. Which makes me think why did I not think about doing all this in first place?”

“What was actually shocking was that by mistake he also clicked the call button and called another trading company I have a Demat account with, and uttered some blabbering words. I don’t know what the operator on the other end understood, but s/he immediately sold all my shares on that account, just before they went red. A few more lakhs were saved because of this. I must thank God for this, but after all beta kiska hai?” a beaming Animesh offered another packet of toffees to Chintu.

This is not the first in series of events when random buying and selling has rained in gold for people. During the last year’s big market fall a teenage girl under influence of some “medicines” used a share-trading app to make 1.6 crores for her boyfriend. On a “high” she thought she was playing some mobile phone game and just clicked random buy, sell buttons.