Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Friday, July 18, 2014

Friday faking release: Rok Sako To Rok Lo

A movie about Ved Pratap Vaidik’s adventurous journeys.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Due to staying awake late at night, humans to evolve into owls in the next 5000 years: Research

New York. If a research paper published in the reputed science journal “Evolution Today” is to be believed, human beings are going to evolve into owls in the next 5000 years, all due to the growing habit of staying awake quite late at nights.

The report has been written by a group of evolutionary researchers working on the impact of modern lifestyle on human evolution.

Family picture from future.

“Our habits and needs define the course of evolution. We all know how we evolved from apes to humans, and now it’s time to move on,” said Dr. Mark Darwin, head of the research team, who thinks that humans have already started gaining the first characteristic of an owl.

“Many of us, who have access to internet, smartphones, laptops, etc. are developing the habit of going to bed around 3 am or 4 am in the morning. That means we are slowly moving toward nocturnality,” he continued.

During their research, Mark and his team met many people who accepted that they felt the desire to keep staring at their mobile devices, even in the last moments before finally falling asleep, just like an own appears to stare at things.

“It appears that like earlier we got bored of being an ape, now we are bored of being human,” Mark added further.

According to the research paper, in the next 200 years, with most of the world population having access to modern technology, humans will completely lose their power to work during the day while they will be actively spending time on internet all night.

And by year 3000 AD, they will be having feathers on their bodies.

However, there is one glitch. Unlike normal owls, human-turned-owls will not be having eyes that are capable to see in the dark.

“This is because we normally spend nights staring at lighted screens of mobiles and laptops, which in turn is not allowing our eyes to develop their own lights. So, we will be like second-class owls, and we might not get the same respect in the owl community which a normal owl gets,” feared Mark Darwin.

In his concluding remarks, Mark has requested people to sit idle during the night with all lights and gadgets switched off, so that humans evolve into normal owls.

“No, we can’t stop this evolution, we can try our best to make things a bit better,” he said.

Hardcore Indian football fan has already forgotten who won the FIFA World Cup

Mumbai. Ankit Nair, a self-described ‘hardcore football fan’ seems to have forgotten who lifted the Jules Rimet Trophy a few days ago.

“Jules Rimet? Are you talking about Golf or something?” asked a slightly befuddled Ankit, still wearing a James Rodriguez jersey, before this reporter clarified that he was talking about the just concluded Football World Cup.

“Ah, was it Manchester United? It’s usually them, right?” said the fan, who had been relentlessly tweeting about every mach just a few days back.

Although Ankit likes this picture a lot, and he remembers tweeting a variant of it with “LOL”, he failed to recall why did he save it in the folder named “FIFA WC 2014”

Feeling slightly like the lead character in Memento, Ankit wakes up every morning with fading memory of the significance of all the football memorabilia around him.

“I see a diary… It has formations of all the 32 teams… It’s even in my handwriting. But I don’t remember ever writing it!” he said, before his eyes brightened and muttered, “Anyway, who cares, cricket is what we all care about – did you see how Naman Ojha played in that game against Australia A?”

His friends, however, remember his attitude towards ‘The Beautiful Game’ slightly more animated during the duration of the World Cup, describing him in many terms, of which ‘bloody prick’ was the only one we could put up on a national publication.

They claimed Ankit would memorize stats and become the ‘No. 1 fan’ of a country whose existence he had just learnt about. For instance:

Pre World Cup Ankit: Haha dude, Costa Rica apparently is the name of a country lulz I think it’s more like a coffee name. Hahahahaha #lulz #funny

During World Cup Ankit: Doooood Costa Rica not just plays amazing football, they also are one of the greenest countries in the world, have abolished their army and have some of the best biodiversity on the planet thanks to the unique confluence of Pacific and Atlantic oceans. Truly a magnificent place… Oh this? This is just a limited edition Bryan Ruiz jersey which I ordered from the official FIFA site for 5600 Rupees (import taxes and duties excluded)”

Now that the FIFA World Cup is over, Ankit’s football passion has fallen to the wayside faster than a Congress candidate’s promises post-election.

When told it was Germany who won the tournament, he said: “Oh, yeah, I remember. Ronaldo scored those goals for them, right?”

Somewhere, N Srinivasan was silently chuckling to himself.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Man habituated of being jealous of everyone, now jealous of a dog for having a nice curly tail

New Delhi. Jwala Prasad, a man habituated of being jealous with almost everyone he meets and sees, is now jealous of his neighbor’s dog Bojo, because Bojo has a nice curly and hairy tail.

Jwala’s latest target.

Although Jwala had no such desire of having a tail earlier in his life, after seeing Bojo’s magnificent tail and his growing popularity in the neighborhood, he started despising him. And now he is even mulling over the idea of growing a tail.

“Once I offered him a biscuit, but he ran away. I was shocked by his attitude! That bloody dog thinks that he is a star, but I am a bigger star than him!” Jwala couldn’t conceal his feelings for Bojo when Faking News asked about what he thought of the dog.

The 37-year-old met a plastic surgeon yesterday to discuss the possibility of creating a hairy tail for himself. “I want to give that Bojo a befitting reply,” he said.

Jwala has even asked his wife to put a chain around his neck and take him out for walk in the evening, once he gets the new tail.

According to his wife, Jwala has been always jealous of anyone with whom he was even remotely familiar. “My in-laws say he grew up being jealous of his teacher’s son while he is always staring at wives of his friends,” she disclosed.

Meanwhile, doctors have expressed their inability to grow a similar tail on Jwala’s body. Reportedly, after hearing that, an upset Jwala is planning to kidnap Bojo and burn his tail.

Bojo refused to comment on such trivial issue.

Amit Shah to move to 10 Janpath, his new official residence

New Delhi. Union minister Mr. Prakash Javadekar announced that newly elected BJP President Mr. Amit Shah would move into his new official residence at 10 Janpath.

“Good governance is about maintaining continuity,” he explained, “We have continued policies of the last government while raising railway ticket prices, formulating the budget, as well as in Indo-Pak relations. So why should it be any different in this case?”

Highly placed sources in the government told Faking News that the move was prompted by the government’s inability to change bureaucrats’ habit of sending all files to 10 Janpath instead of the PMO.

“Ache din aa gaye..”

A rubber stamp bearing the name of Narendra Modi has already been prepared, and the Prime Minister apparently can’t wait to start using it once he returns from his foreign tour. Sources also told us that Mr. Modi has already started practicing saying “theek hai” to cameras.

“Well, they thought that the RSS Headquarters at Nagpur will be the new 10 Janpath, but Modi decided not to disturb the status quo,” a source revealed, “The grand tradition of supremacy of 10 Janpath will continue.”

Faking News also received unconfirmed reports of Amit Shah’s son rehearsing his speech demanding some ordinance to be torn up. He is said to have been extremely disappointed when told that the ordinance has already been converted to law.

“That’s ok, I can still demand more LPG cylinders, right?” he is reported to have asked.

While the BJP supporters have welcomed the move because it was a decision taken by BJP, the Congress party was up in arms against the move. Sonia Gandhi appeared before the media for 3 minutes and claimed that it was pure political vendetta and an attempt to subvert democracy and secularism. She further claimed that this would help the Congress return to power quicker.

Rahul Gandhi screamed “AAG LAGA DENGE,” before going back to sleep.

TV show The Newshour saw some serious debate on the topic. Sanjay Jha sang what appeared to be a poorly rendered medley of lungi dance and chikni chameli while Sudhanshu Trivedi stuck out his tongue and made elephant ears at him.

Arnab Goswami, in his imitable style, asked hard-hitting questions. “Tell me Mr. Trivedi, is it not true that Amit Shah killed hundreds of people, and therefore Narendra Modi has gone to Brazil, which clearly means that you are homosexual? Admit it. Admit it. ADMIT IT!!!” he thundered before asking another panelist what right the Congress has to rake up the issue.

In another interview, Union minister Ms. Smriti Irani denied accusations that their government was just like the erstwhile UPA government.

“Just count the number of differences,” she said, ticking them off one by one, “We have a program for rejuvenating Maa Ganga, we have promised a bullet train, we are building a statue of Sardar Patel, we know where Bhutan is …and…and… we are considering correcting history books,” she held up five fingers triumphantly.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Indian man applies for Pak visa to say some bullshit while in Pakistan

New Delhi. Puran Punjabi, a 33-year-old jobless guy has applied for tourist visa to travel to Pakistan, a country he takes notice of only when a cricket match is going on.

Sources close to Puran say that he plans to go to Pakistan, say something utterly stupid and senseless to local people and terrorists there, and become famous back in India.

Ved Pratap Vaidik, now a role model for many, especially Bigg Boss and MTV Roadies aspirants.

“Just look at the limelight that Vaidik bloke has got,” Puran later told Faking News explaining his grand plans of becoming a celebrity, “He said and did stupid things in Pakistan weeks ago, but no one took notice. So he came back, shouted about his stupidity, and now everyone is shouting about him!”

Although Puran has no plans to meet Hafiz Sayeed, he is hopeful of meeting terrorists and trolling people back in India into making him a celebrity.

“I don’t think I’d have trouble finding a terrorist in Pakistan,” he said, “I will click a selfie with him and post the picture on Twitter with hashtag #TeaWithTerrorist, and that should do the job.”

When asked what he will do with all the limelight he might get after his stupidity, Puran said, “I will do charity and help other jobless guys get famous.”

Pakistani embassy has confirmed that they have got visa application of Puran, who has mentioned in his application that he was followed by Narendra Modi on Twitter, and Modi interacted with him through DMs on a regular basis.

Pics of Ved Pratap Vaidik with more people, who are not-so-liked in India

Ved Pratap Vaidik has a history of meeting controversial people. Although not as dreaded and hated like Hafiz Sayeed is, these people are not liked by majority of Indians for various reasons.

Faking News has accessed some exclusive pictures showing Vaidik with such persons:

A few hours after Maria Sharapova said she didn’t know who Sachin Tendulkar was, Ved Pratap Vaidik went on a long drive with her and talked only about tennis. He told her not to feel bad as there were many Indians who didn’t know who Sachin Tendulkar was.

Vaidik hanging out with former Australian skipper, a day after Ponting questioned Sachin’s role in ‘monkeygate’. This has raised serious questions over Vaidik’s patriotism as he seems to specially like Sachin baiters.

Vaidik reportedly, even tried to transform heart of the ruthless king of Seven Kingdoms – Joffrey Baratheon.

Sorry, this picture got here by mistake.

Shit! This picture got here by a bigger mistake!

Now this is blasphemy! We don’t mean it. This picture is also a mistake. We are going back to people not liked in India after this. Apologies for these three pictures in succession.

Here is Ved Pratap Vaidik seen with Tamraj askdj, the villain of Shaktimaan. He didn’t even say “sorry shaktimaan” after this picture was revealed.

Vaidik even met Gabbar Singh, apparently as a journalist, and expressed his desire for a truce between him and Thakur Baldev Singh.

Ved Pratap Vaidik even attended Humshakals’ success party.