Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Friday, January 17, 2014

Congress leader expelled from party after x-ray shows no Rahul Gandhi in heart

New Delhi. Soon after Congress leader Pramod Tiwari raised the bar of devotion and faithfulness toward the Nehru-Gandhi family by claiming that one could see Rahul Gandhi inside if his chest was torn open, party high command issued an order to undertake chest X-Ray of all party leaders present at the AICC meet.

“No, we trust our leaders and workers. The x-ray was ordered to do a referendum on how many agreed with Pramod Tiwari ji,” clarified Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari, who successfully passed the x-ray test.

Well, kind of…

Sources tell Faking News that except one leader, all party leaders passed the test as Rahul Gandhi’s name or image was found on their heart.

“Rajiv Shukla’s x-ray report showed Rahul Gandhi in 3D,” claimed one party worker who is widely known as Rajiv Shukla’s Rajiv Shukla.

The leader who failed the test is reported to be a little known person from Rajasthan, Hanuman Singh. Reportedly, name of Ram and Sita was found on his heart, which irked other Congress leaders even more.

“The initials R and S were visible and we thought it was Rahul and Sonia, but once we zoomed in, we found it was Ram and Sita!” a Congress worker disclosed the frustration.

Hanuman Singh was immediately served a show cause notice and asked to explain this before Rahul Gandhi’s speech started. Hanuman failed to complete this task and he was expelled from party.

Party leaders justify the decision and reject that it was undemocratic or autocratic.

“We gave him a chance and opportunity to correct his mistakes,” Manish Tewari disclosed, “He was asked to undergo a heart surgery to get Rahul’s name or image etched on his heart, but he refused!”

“Congress can’t tolerate such people who show indiscipline and communal colors,” Congress leader Digvijay Sigh further justified the party’s decision to expel Hanuman Singh.

Meanwhile biologists and sycophants world over are shocked how could a person’s heart have a physical image or name of someone inscribed on it.

“When you like something or love someone from heart, all the universe conspires in helping your heart to achieve it in tattoo form,” said Mani Shankar Aiyar misquoting Paulo Coelho.

“Rahul ji is our natural leader and our natural tattoo,” Manish Tewari concluded.

Friday faking release: Fight Club

From the looks of it there could be many sequels.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

After official list of spokespersons, AAP to issue official list of honest persons

New Delhi. Taking the way political parties function to a whole new level, Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) has decided to issue a list of honest members, only whose statements should be taken on face value by media.

This came after members like Vinod Kumar Binny and Tina Sharma were found to be lacking in honesty.

Earlier today, Binny, who is an MLA too, had raised questions over the way party and Arvind Kejriwal functioned and it was subsequently found that he had become dishonest in his thoughts.

He’s on the negative list

“There was a lot of confusion on ideology of the party after Prashant Bhushan aired his personal opinions and when recently new joined Captain Gopinath came up with his opinion. To clear that confusion, we came up with a list of official spokespersons, whose views will be treated as party views,” AAP leader Yogendra Yadav explained.

“We also realized that there was a lot of confusion on the honesty of our party too after people like Vinod Binny started speaking up,” Yadav added, “Hence we have decided to issue an official list of honest members too. Only views on these people should be treated as the gospel truth.”

The list currently has the name of Arvind Kejriwal and it will be expanded soon.

“We will talk to all members and more names will be added,” Yadav said.

When Faking News asked why should we consider his statement as a truth as his own name was not there in the list yet, Yadav pushed out his chin and said, “Please give us time. There are processes that have to be followed.”

Party sources further inform that the list will be periodically updated and new names will be added or deleted as per the existing circumstances of that time.

“List will keep on changing, depending on current ideologies of leaders, their current mental status, their personal problems, their mood, whether they are drunk or not. In short, complete transparency,” a party source revealed.

“Human mind is the most turbulent thing in this world, it always keep changing. So it makes sense,” an AAP supporter reacted to the development.

“Honesty is a state of mind,” claimed another supporter.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Man buys Rs 10k underwear, wears it over pants to show off

New Delhi. After failing to understand the exact benefit of Rs 10k underwear that he bought, a Delhiite, Krish Raj Kohli aka KRK, wore his precious underwear over his pants to show it off.

KRK in his new underwear.

KRK, a middle income group man (he objected to the term ‘middle class’) purchased this exorbitantly high priced undergarment just to get a feeling of how it exactly feels to be inside a Rs 10K underwear.

“I saw its ad, which said ‘Dare to think beyond Rupa‘ and it inspired me a lot. So after thinking a lot, I finally purchased it on EMI, because you know, Zindagi na milegi dobara,” KRK explained the reason behind his investment.

Before deciding to expose his underwear, he tried almost everything to make himself feel happy with the product. Reportedly, he even applied for a week long leave from office, just to understand the benefit of the underwear, but unfortunately he found nothing special.

“In fact, he got rashes; one of the reasons he’s wearing it on his pants now,” his wife told Faking News.

KRK’s family members say that in order to feel happy, everyday he used to remind himself that he was wearing costly underwear. KRK even stuck a note on the mirror and refrigerator, reminding him of the undergarment’s price.

One of the notes reads, “Muskuraiye janaab, kyonki aap das hazaar ke chaddi mein hain.”

But all tricks misfired and made him even more uncomfortable. Although, the fabric was fine, but the price that KRK paid always made him feel uneasy.

“It’s not for aam aadmis like me. My blanket, which cost me Rs 2000, covers my whole body and gives much more pleasure,” claimed KRK.

KRK took the bold step to wear it like Superman, as that was the only way he could get maximum emotional satisfaction from buying such an expensive undergarment. He makes sure that the price-tag hangs and is visible.

“It looks awkward, but at least people are noticing it and asking what’s so special about it, which of course is its price,” said a candid KRK.

Sources close to KRK revealed that post his marriage, KRK may start a business where he will be lending the underwear on daily rent.

“He will call it iChaddi, which could help in making people believe in its worth,” disclosed a close friend of KRK.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

After his appearance with Modi, SP stops payment to Salman Khan for Saifai performance

Ahmedabad. Appears that Salman’s decision to join Modi for lunch has landed him in a bit of trouble. Not too happy with his choice of person to hang out with, Samajwadi Party has stopped the release of payment to Salman Khan for his performance in Saifai Mahotsav.

However, Samajwadi Party is citing a completely different reason for stopping the payment.

Controversial photograph

“We paid him to dance like Hrithik Roshan, but he danced like Sunny Deol. That was substandard service; even more substandard than the laptops we distributed,” said Shivpal Singh Yadav, younger brother of Mulayam Singh Yadav.

“We can’t pay that much, it’s Saifai not Mumbai. Things and life are cheap here,” he added.

Expectedly, BJP has supported Salman Khan and blasted Samajwadi Party.

“They are exploiting minorities,” a BJP leader accused Samajwadi Party, “Look, we invited Salman to fly kite with Modi ji and that too in Ahmedabad, while SP invited him for nautanki in a village.”

But Mulayam Singh Yadav has rejected all such accusations and reiterated his stand on secularism for 200th time in January.

“Sometimes parents behave rudely with their child, because they care for them. Similarly we care for minorities. Modi is a very dangerous creature, thank bhagwan-allah-waheguru-god, nothing happened to Salman,” argued SP chief.

Meanwhile, reacting on the situation, in his trademark style Salman advised SP, “Mujh par ek ehsaan karna, ki mujh par koi ehsaan na karna. Keep the change.”

Close friends break up after huge difference in their CAT percentiles

Bangalore. After CAT 2013 results were announced, report of the first casualty is coming from the city. Ramesh and Suresh, two friends from school days who are currently colleagues at an IT firm, broke up due to huge differences in their CAT scores.

Ramesh, who as per his Twitter bio is a self proclaimed ‘Quant’ addict, scored 99.58 percentile in CAT, while his not so ‘Quant’ fanatic friend Suresh scored just 58.99 percentile.

A picture of Suresh thinking about hi future. Ramesh is not visible because he is on cloud number nine and out of frame.

The gap between percentiles, which apparently will create an unbridgeable gap between their lifestyles and careers, has already resulted into a gap that is showing in their behaviors.

“A person with 58.99 percentile can’t be friend with a person with 99.58 percentile. It’s better to accept the bitter truth and move on in life,” said a visibly upset Suresh.

“He will be joining some IIM, while I will be joining some Dukaandari Institute of Management. By end of the course, he will land with a job profile which 99.58% of Indian population will even fail to understand, such a feat. But I will be nowhere,” rued a teary eyed Suresh.

“Handsome dowry, good looking girl to marry, and many other social perks which he will be getting is going to double fold his actual CTC package after finishing the college,” the low percentile getter continued.

People close to Ramesh-Suresh say that the relationship soured within a few hours of the results being declared.

“While Ramesh’s Facebook update declaring his result fetched hundreds of likes, Suresh’s update got just 3 likes. I guess that’s when the difference in their social status started pinching them,” disclosed a common friend of Ramesh and Suresh.

“They used to share the same room. Earlier today, Ramesh side of the room was so jubilant and Suresh side was so gloomy,” the common friend, Naarad Sinha, further insisted.

A phone call from Ramesh’s father proved to be the final nail in the coffin. Ramesh’s father called on Suresh’s mobile as Ramesh was busy accepting congratulatory phone calls and giving speeches. Suresh mobile was obviously not busy as the only call that he got since morning was a 2 minute cold call from his father.

Sources (Naarad Sinha) tell Faking News that Ramesh’s father consoled Suresh by saying, “Don’t worry beta, everyone has his own capacity.”

Soon after finishing the call, Suresh asked Ramesh for a moment and said, “I think we need to talk, it’s not working out.”

Monday, January 13, 2014

UPA-II did a lot of good things for Indians without their knowledge: Sushil Kumar Shinde

New Delhi. After disclosing that Arvind Kejriwal was being provided security cover without his knowledge, Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde today claimed that the central government did a whole lot of good things for India and its people which they have no knowledge about.

According to him, the UPA-II has been working on a mission to do things that are good and secret in nature e.g. development and security.

Shinde tried best to talk to media without their knowledge but failed.

“This was being done as it was the duty of the government to carry out good governance,” he said.

“It is just not in our nature to do good work and then go on boasting about it in rallies like Mr Feku. We are humble that way. We like to talk about minorities and dalits there, who have benefited due to our schemes without their knowledge,” Shinde said, without repeating.

“We are firm believers of a saying by a Sufi saint karm kiye ja fal ki chinta na kar,” he explained. When this Faking News reporter pointed out that it was a quote attributed to Lord Krishna, he asked us to be careful and give credit to minorities too.

“Do you think without our outside support AAP would have been able to form government in Delhi?” Shinde shot back when prodded with with questions to mention at least one good thing (according to him) that they did.

He further claimed that the government’s approach of doing things without the knowledge of targeted groups was extended to the government itself. He revealed that all the scams that took place under UPA’s nose took place without government’s knowledge.

“However, once we came to know about the scams, we decided not to stop them. Had we done stopped the scams, do you think we would have seen anti-corruption movements taking birth?” he asked before leaving to attend a music launch party.