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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Delhi Police thank Abhishek Bachchan for accurate portrayal of policemen in Dhoom 3

New Delhi. Delhi Police released a statement today thanking Abhishek Bacchan for his accurate portrayal of the police force in Dhoom 3. The movie, which is well on its way to making 200 crores, stars Bollywood retirees Abhishek Bachhan and Uday Chopra as cops.

A policeman

“Despite wearing really big black sunglasses and flaunting expensive clothes and bikes that none of us can afford with our salaries, Mr. Abhishek Bachhan’s portrayal was quite accurate, given the fact that he managed to not catch any of the three thieves in the three Dhoom movies,” the statement said.

“We especially thank the makers of Dhoom 3 for this accurate depiction of the Indian police force. Earlier movies such as Singham and Dabangg had raised expectations too high from us in terms of catching villains and hitting them so hard that they flew into things made of glass,” Delhi police statement explained.

“But now with Dhoom 3, these expectations will hopefully become normal again,” the statement concluded, “In addition, people might give us more bribes so that we might buy superbikes worth 50 lakhs.”

Unconfirmed sources tell Faking News that the Delhi Police are so impressed with the movie that they are letting first time offenders go after they promise to watch Dhoom 3 in cinema halls and multiplexes.

“This could explain why the movie is doing well despite negative reviews,” a source claimed

11 things that Rahul Gandhi already did before AAP

Reinforcing Rahul Gandhi’s visionary tag, Digvijay Singh cited some incidents that reveal how Congress Vice President’s thinking is way ahead of his time.

Veteran Congress leader blogged few points supporting his recent claim where he said that what AAP is doing now, Rahul Gandhi had already thought about. Talking exclusively to Faking News, he further claimed that Rahul Gandhi had already done many things that AAP is doing now.

Indeed a visionary leader.

“AAP kare to jaanbaz aur baba karein to stuntbaaz?” he rued that not enough credit was being given to Rahul Gandhi.

Later, when Faking News editorial team assessed the merits of Digvijay Singh’s claims, it found a merit in them for a change. We could find 11 things that Rahul Gandhi did before AAP. Here are those (with help from Digvijay Singh):

AAP has defeated Congress in 2013 – But Rahul Gandhi has been doing this since many years, even before AAP was born.

AAP doing door-to-door campaign – How could you possibly forget Rahul’s trademark visit to dalit homes? Don’t you think Rahul’s act inspired Aam Aadmi Party?

AAP humiliating Congress – Rahul Gandhi did it when he mercilessly tore apart the ‘convicted legislator ordinance’. Remembering Ajay Maken’s facial expression at the conference still makes me laugh (Digvijay Singh says).

AAP exposing Vadra – Once Robert Vadra Ji told Sonia Ji that he had donated all his property to a charitable trust. But later, Rahul Ji exposed him by revealing that it was April Fool’s Day prank.

AAP going to public to seek answer of question whenever party is in confusion – If you have noticed, Rahul Gandhi often asks questions from people attending his rallies. Other than that, try to ask him some question, he will ask you the same question.

AAP’s imaginative promises – Rahul Ji often says he will remove poverty and ‘Corruption’ from India. He also dreams.

AAP representing aam aadmi – Rahul Gandhi is leader of aam Congress netas. Yes, we are aam netas, at least inside Congress party, bahut chhote log hain hum.

AAP and Anna have differences – Thanks to Rahul Ji, because of him, we had differences with Anna in 2012 itself.

AAP MLAs not taking special security – Rahul Ji did this experiment back in 2009, when he was bitten by 25 thousand mosquitoes.

AAP MLAs not to use red beacon and travel like aam admi – In 2010, Shri Rahul Gandhi commuted from Andheri to Dadar in a second class compartment, like just another aam aadmi. He even received national child bravery award for that act.

AAP rose to power in record time – Rahul Gandhi rose to power the moment he was born, way faster than AAP.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Congress says AAP cap design is not good enough to protect ears during cold, may ditch AAP

Delhi. Soon after formal engagement of AAP and Congress, inter-party disputes, which media and rest of country was eagerly waiting for, has started surfacing.

Kejriwal trying to beat Delhi winter by external support of mufler

Kejriwal trying to beat the winter by external support of a muffler.

Reportedly, Congress is not too much happy with AAP cap design as it’s not good enough to protect ears in cold Delhi weather.

“You start noticing a lot of things about each other after getting into a relationship, even small issue matters a lot. Same happened with us,” said newly appointed Delhi Congress chief Arvinder Singh Lovely on souring relationship with rookie party.

“It’s a fancy cap, only for show off and offers no real protection to ears. Delhi people supporting AAP are roaming around in this chilly weather wearing AAP cap and as a result, they are falling ill. Cap’s complete design is flawed and it’s so anti-Delhi weather and anti-people. On one side they talk about aam-aadmi and on other side risking their health,” Mr Lovely explained further.

Congress party pointed out some other serious flaws like white color of cap and material used to create the cap. As per Jaipal Reddy, minister of Science and Technology, it would have been much better if caps were of black color and made of wool instead of Khaadi.

“Black color absorbs sun radiation and keeps inside warm and it’s certainly not wise to wear Khaadi cap in winter. These guys are so careless,” said Jaipal Reddy, “It’s almost impossible to adjust with AAP, at least in this winter.”

Retaliating against Congress’ logic, AAP mocked them by saying that grand old party was too afraid of cap’s openness, as they were addicted to keep things hidden.

“We can’t wear monkey caps, as it’s normally used by criminals to hide their face while committing crimes. It will pass a wrong message to people. With external support of muffler, I think cap is good enough to survive Delhi’s cold,” told Arvind Kejriwal while talking to media.

However, Congress party has refused Kejriwal’s suggestion to wear mufflers. “It’s AAP’s conspiracy, symbolically they are telling that we are mufflers tied around their neck and choking them. It puts us in bad light, while we are good people,” replied Congress VP Rahul Gandhi.

Meanwhile, Sheila Dixit hinted that AAP cap design issue is going to be in Congress manifesto if re-election happens in Delhi.

“If Congress wins re-election, I promise to give all Delhiites a hand knitted woolen cap,” vowed Sheila, hoping to replicate AAP’s success by making an imaginative promise.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Congress already feeling like withdrawing support from AAP government

New Delhi. Even though Arvind Kejriwal is yet to be sworn in as the Chief Minister of Delhi and the legislative assembly has not met even for a single day, sources say that Congress is already itching to withdraw support from the Delhi government to be formed by its outside support.

“They trolled us a lot in the virtual world, now let’s troll them in the real world.”

“Old habits die hard,” said a Congress leader on conditions of anonymity, “Just can’t wait to see these guys suddenly realize that they are no longer in power.”

“Lulz,” he added.

Party sources tell Faking News that a high level meeting of Congress leaders has been called later this week to decide the best time when the party should pull the carpet.

“Only the timing needs to be decided, otherwise the fact that we should push these guys off chair is a unanimous decision,” a party leader confirmed.

While most of the leaders agree that it will be too early to withdraw support today itself, many believe that they shouldn’t wait for too long.

“What if they actually do some good work and prove themselves to be an effective and non-corrupt Congress?” a party leader is reported to have said, aggressively pushing for withdrawal of support at the earliest.

However, some in the party reject such fears.

“They have similar socialist and populist policies like us. They just can’t work. We have decades of experience to prove that these things don’t work,” another Congress leader argued.

This group wants Congress to keep supporting the AAP government in Delhi till the situation becomes worse than those in Congress days.

However, a third group is in favor of withdrawing support as early as possible, regardless of the performance by the government.

“AAP government must fall before the Lok Sabha elections,” a leader argued, “We should make sure that these guys appear as martyrs and end up winning all the seats from Delhi and from other urban areas of India.”

“Afterwards, we will support them from outside, along with the third and fourth fronts, to form the central government,” the leader revealed the grand plan.

“The plan is to spoil the party of BJP,” he explained, “Hum toh doobenge sanam, tumko bhi le doobenge.”

Obama offers to drop charges against Khobragade if India drops Chicago from Dhoom 3

Washington, DC. After days of protests over the arrest and subsequent mistreatment of Indian diplomat Devyani Khobragade, US President Barack Obama has spoken out and offered a deal to India to end this crisis.

Obama has promised that he will drop all charges against Devyani Khobragade if India forces Yash Raj Films (YRF) to remove every mention of the American city “Chicago” from their new release, Dhoom 3.

Aamir is looking at Chicago skyline

Dhoom 3 is the latest film in the blockbuster film franchise featuring two Bollywood mega stars Abhishek Bachchan and Uday Chopra, and is based in Chicago.

Speaking to Faking News in the lawns of the White House, Obama said, “The film has shown Chicago police department in very bad light. It has caused serious anger among the policemen that they were shown seeking help from Mumbai police to solve theft cases.”

“This is a bigger humiliation India has bestowed upon us than we could manage by arresting the diplomat. And now it’s becoming hugely embarrassing and humiliating as the movie is rumored to be doing good, despite negative reviews by critics, and could be shown in the international markets too,” the US president shared his concerns.

“I mean, we don’t need Abhishek Bachchan and Uday Chopra to come here and solve simple robberies! At least send the one man army Arnab Goswami if you were going to follow this plot in the film,” Obama went on to add.

When Faking News contacted Uday Chopra for his reaction, he said “We can’t change the film now. Also, US shouldn’t forget the good bilateral relations than YRF and USA enjoys. After my last superhit movie Pyaar Impossible showed me as a student in a university of California, millions of my fans had applied to get admission there. US earned a lot of forex due to that.”

The Government of India has not yet responded to the offer, though they are supposed to be in talks with YRF to help them solve this ongoing impasse. Apparently, YRF is asking for Dadasaheb Phalke Award and National Film Award for Uday Chopra to make this modification in the movie.

AAP tells its MLAs to not hang out too much with Congress MLAs

New Delhi. Now that it’s almost clear that AAP is going to form government in Delhi with outside support of Congress, party supremo and most famous aam aadmi – Arvind Kejriwal has asked his MLAs to maintain a certain distance from Congress MLAs.

Kejriwal’s decision is being seen as a preemptive measure to prevent his novice, pure, and innocent aam MLAs from getting corrupted in the company of “bad guys”.

“Like a caring mother, who always warns her kid to stay away from bad kids in school, Kejriwal ji has given us some suggestions,” an AAP MLA confirmed.

Kejriwal had told his MLAs not to take even a lift in cars of Congress MLAs while coming to assembly

“I want them to be a good neta. Coming five years is like college days for them, where they will meet all kinds of guys and girls. They have got admission on my merit, but there are many kids who are here in assembly on donation and management quota. Friendship with those spoiled brats is dangerous, as AAP MLAs may end up jobless by end of college,” Arvind Kejirwal explained.

AAP high command has handed over its MLAs a list of dos and don’ts, which they are expected to follow while interacting with Congress leaders.

Shaking hands, eating, and partying together are allowed, because these kinds of interactions spread love not corruption. However, talking about topics like Luxury cars (cars above Rs 15 lakhs), real estate properties (flats above 1BHK), Kalmadi saga, etc. is strictly prohibited, as it may provoke them to take wrong path.

“Discussion around topics like Alto, Nano, vegetable prices, Bigg Boss, home loans, constipation problems, etc. are encouraged,” disclosed a party leader.

In case any AAP MLA is found violating rules set by the high command, they will have to face serious actions like ‘kneel down’ or ‘murga punishment’ at Jantar Mantar. The final punishment will be decided through SMS poll.

Sources say that Congress MLAs are quite excited about the punishment part and may conspire to make AAP MLAs break the rules.

“They have already started sending flowers and party invitations to AAP leaders. It’s quite probable that after few pegs of drink, Congress leaders will make them talk about the prohibited topics and record everything on tape,” revealed a source, hinting of possible “fake” sting operations.

Sources tell Faking News that Congress is especially targeting Kumar Vishvas, even though he’s not an MLA.

On condition of anonymity, a local Congress leader said that party had given this responsibility of fixing Kumar Vishvas to their own poet Kapil Sibal.

“Kaajal ki kothri mein ghuse aur bedaag baahar aa gaye, toh ye to kaajal ki badnaami ho jayegi,” a Congress leader explained their motive in Kumar Vishvas style.

Friday, December 20, 2013

IRCTC website running slow due to fog: committee report

New Delhi. A high level technical committee formed by IRCTC to look into the perennial problem of the website running slow has come up with its interim report. The committee has claimed that the website is currently running slow due to fog.

“IRCTC servers are present in Delhi and it’s very foggy out there, which has resulted in slow execution of codes on the server. Especially during the morning hours when Tatkal window opens, situation is very bad due to dense fog,” said Kohram Singh, one of the experts of the committee.

IRCTC server and codes

This is the first time fog has been found to impact traffic on to a website, even though it often impacts rail, air, and road traffic.

“You see, the whole process of ticket booking takes place in various steps, during which blocks of programming codes get executed. But due to intense fog all around, it’s hard for application to move freely from one block of code to another. Even data from the database is coming late,” Kohram Singh explained.

According to the interim report by the committee, duration between two steps while booking a ticket, which is expected to take 2-4 seconds in normal conditions, is taking 15 to 20 minutes currently.

The report further claims that there is possibility of “accidents” if the codes are forced to be run normally.

“Our codes are not that robust and even our infrastructure, which means servers, are a bit outdated. It is highly probable that if they execute in a hurry, they may get derailed from execution flow and collide with other ongoing processes,” an IRCTC engineer told Faking News.

“It will generate some kind of error or a person may end up booking ticket to Patna, while booking a ticket to Patiala,” he explained.

Following the report, IRCTC has clarified that it can’t do anything and people have to put up with it just like they put up with the fact that trains run late and air traffic gets disrupted during this time of year.

However, they have promised to help stranded ticket bookers on the website. Inquiry counters and additional helpline are being made operational to update them about their ticket booking status.

When asked if people could hope for any solutions in the final report, Kohram Singh couldn’t give any definitive reply.

“See, some people suggested moving the servers to Mumbai or Bangalore, but we know that traffic is horrible even in those cities,” he explained the predicament of IRCTC, “But we are trying to do something.”

He ruled out moving the IRCTC servers to cloud, because cloud is also a kind of fog.