Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Manmohan Singh takes revenge, calls Rahul Gandhi’s “emotional” speech a “complete nonsense”

Beijing, China. Given that Manmohan Singh has just few months left in the current term and the next term appearing uncertain, he has made up his mind to liberate himself from the puppet strings.

Soon after Rahul Gandhi finished his emotional speech in Rajasthan yesterday, an unusually angry Manmohan Singh, who is currently on a diplomatic visit to China, called a press meet in Beijing. Ridiculing the Nehru-Gandhi scion, MMS slammed him for his emotionally dramatic speech in a politically charged rally.

A rare photo showing Manmohan Singh and Rahul Gandhi in conversation

He termed it a “complete nonsense”.

“I will tell you what is my opinion on Rahul’s speech. And my opinion is – it is complete nonsense. He should be taped over his mouth and locked in Congress office. This is my personal opinion and party should think about it if it wants to win the elections,” said Dr. Singh, venting out his long suppressed anger.

Faking News expected that the Prime Minister could stand up and walk out as Rahul Gandhi had did when he had called the ordinance nonsense, but Dr. Singh stayed back to issue more statements.

“In one speech he talks about his mother, in next about his grandmother, next he will talk about Nehru, then about his forefathers, and by end of campaign he will talk about prehistoric human beings. What the hell is this? Are planning to win an election by time traveling?” he wondered.

“Aise hazaaron bakwaas bhashan se achchi hai meri khamoshi, na jaane kitne raalies ki aabru rakhkhi,” the Prime Minister added.

Political analysts say that with this daring act, Manmohan has tried to kill two birds with one stone. First, he took revenge for the humiliation unleashed by Rahul over the ordinance, and second, he passed a strong message to his Chinese counterpart to not take him lightly.

Sources in PMO revealed that Manmohan Singh even sent a video clip of his outbursts to US President Barack Obama, because he was in US when Rahul Gandhi came up with the anti-ordinance outburst.

Interestingly, White House sources confirmed the receipt of the clip even before the Prime Minister sent it. This has given rise to speculations if Obama is spying on Dr. Singh’s phone, but PMO sources rejected such speculations.

Back home, Manmohan Singh is getting a lot of applause for the first time since the 1991 reforms, but Rahul Gandhi is in a state of shock. He is reported to have immediately called up his mother and ask her to order Manmohan Singh to attend his next three speeches without using any earplugs.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Content analysis of speeches by Rahul Gandhi and Narendra Modi

Content break up for Narendra Modi’s speeches

Content break up for reaction to Narendra Modi’s speeches by his fans

Content break up for Rahul Gandhi’s speeches

Content break up for reaction to Rahul Gandhi’s speeches by his fans

India, China sign pact to declare Chinese incursion up to 20 km as friendly visit

Beijing, China. To ease tensions on the Indian side of the Sino-Indian border, India and China today signed a pact that will allow China to undertake some friendly trips inside India without the act being labeled as “incursion”.

The pact was signed while Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh is on a 3 day visit to China. Earlier today, he met Chinese Premier Li Keqiang and came up with this solution to stop incursions.

A happy ending?

As per the new agreement, Chinese Army will be allowed to visit up to 20km inside India without any visa requirement. This will be treated at par with morning walk, sleep walking, or running between wickets, and the media would be barred from calling it “incursion” as such a step could harm bilateral ties.

However, Indian Army won’t be able to undertake similar friendly trips inside China as “athithi devo bhav” (guests are like gods) is not a shared philosophy between the two nations.

As per highly place sources, the agreement will be in beta version for the first 6 months. If it is found that 20 km is not good enough for healthy ties, it may be increased to 40 km or more in next version of agreement.

“Hotels, gardens, grass walkways, food joints serving Indian cuisines and Chinese fast food will be created in the 20 km stretch,” a member of the Indian delegation in China told Faking News.

China has thanked India for this generosity and promised to keep it under 100 kilometers this year.

While the border issue has been “resolved”, the issue of stapled visa to Indian citizens from Arunachal Pradesh couldn’t be resolved. China remained adamant even though India came up with innovative proposals like granting glued visa instead of stapled one.

Sources close to the PMO say that as a temporary measure, government will ask people of Arunachal Pradesh to not visit China.

CBI chargesheets Ashok Khemka for rising onion prices

New Delhi. The Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI) has decided to chargesheet Mr. Ashok Khemka, an allegedly honest IAS officer, for rising onion prices.

“You see, prices are rising and Sonia Madam ji, who is very upset with the rising prices, has asked us to find the person responsible for it,” a CBI official told Faking News.

Ashok Khemka trying to figure out what is happening around

“Since we have been asked to go slow on Dr. Manmohan Singh for a few days, and not touch Sharad Pawar before the elections, we had to find a third person who could be held responsible for rising prices,” the official explained how the investigating agency zeroed in on Khemka’s name.

“See, he was chargesheeted earlier for failing to sell enough seed. And as we all know that onions grow from seeds. So it’s a clear that he’s responsible for low production of onions, which is causing the price rise,” the official explained.

The official further pointed out “questionable” track record of Khemka, which showed that he had all the characteristics of an “abnormal” IAS officer.

“Which normal bureaucrat goes on highlights scams in every department he’s posted?” the official argued, “A normal bureaucrat bides his time passing files from one department to the other, so that after retirement he can become the head of some committee investigating the socio-economic impact of the cloudburst in Jhajhar in 1978 on the mating cycles of chimpanzees.”

“It is because of abnormal officers like Ashok Khemka that some people are making abnormal profits on onions. The ultimate sufferers are small farmers like Robert Vadra ji and the common man,” the official concluded.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Google launches a special doodle to pay tribute to onion

New Delhi. As soon as onion prices crossed Rs 100/kg mark, Google India team swung into action and created a special doodle as a tribute to the valuable vegetable.

“The common man may not see onions in his home in coming days, so we are making sure he at least sees it on his computer screen,” a senior executive from Google India, whose name we couldn’t retrieve even after a few Google searches, told Faking News.

The doodle shows two onions, which are some internet trolls claim stand for UPA-II. However, Google has rejected any hidden political message. They reiterated that their sole motive was to help the common man amidst rising prices.

“As soon as a user clicks on the doodle, it will take him to a search result page showing articles on how to cook and enjoy food without onions,” the Google executive explained how the doodle will help the common man.

Experts say that apart from helping the common man, Google is also helping its own business as many, who currently don’t have Google.com as their default home page in browsers, will change the settings to secure their only chance of getting a glimpse of onions.

The step by Google has been welcomed by the common man, who was earlier betrayed by the onion who broke their promise of shedding the eye-irritating feature after breaching the Rs 100/kg mark.

As always, the step by Google has been ridiculed by Apple fans, who are accusing the internet giant of trying to match apple’s prices by getting associated with onions.

Pyaaz – dhoondte rah jaaoge (even Google search can’t find onions for you)

Criminal offered money to change his name to “Ashok Khemka”

Gurgaon. A local extortionist and part-time political worker Chhedi Singh has been asked by some unknown men to change his name to “Ashok Khemka” – the Haryana IAS officer who is currently under fire for his past records.

Chhedi has been promised 2 crore rupees in cash, a residential plot in Gurgaon, and some criminal cases dropped against him if he went ahead with the name change.

Khemka was earlier flooded with phone calls that asked him if he was interested in changing his name to Baba Ashokram

“I don’t know them, but they claimed they were well connected and said that it was a high level project monitored by someone very powerful in the government,” Chhedi told Faking News.

Sources say that Chhedi had been thinking of changing his name ever since his name was mocked at in Salman Khan’s movie Dabangg. Although this is exactly what the doctor ordered, he’s not convinced that “Ashok Khemka” could be a good replacement.

“The name doesn’t have the class that I need,” claimed the local gunda aspiring to be a national leader, “Although the benefits that I’m being promised are very attractive, I’d rather chart out a better plan and become a more dreaded criminal to earn much more.”

Although Chhedi denies knowing the motives of people who offered him the deal, experts believe that this could be part of the conspiracy to publicly humiliate the IAS officer who ordered probe into Robert Vadra’s land deals.

“The plan is to see media stories like Ashok Khemka arrested for snatching bikes, Locals complain against Ashok Khemka for whistling at women, etc. that could humiliate the whistleblower IAS officer. Since filing chargesheets against him is not having the same impact, they would have thought of taking this route,” a media and PR consultant told Faking News.

“Maybe they should try photoshopping Ashok Kehmka’s picture next to Narendra Modi’s photo, preferably holding hands with the Gujarat CM,” the consultant offered a free advice to those wanting to humiliate the IAS officer by portraying him as a villain.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Venn diagram on Sachin’s possible campaign for Congress

Media reports suggest that Congress has sent Sachin Tendulkar’s name to Election Commission of India as one of the star campaigners for the party during the Madhya Pradesh assembly elections. Reaction of one set of fans:

CPM – Cricket, Politics, Maths