Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

China eyes secularism market in India, plans to manufacture skullcaps

Beijing. Sensing the market conditions that will see an increased demand of secular goods by Indian politicians, China has decided to manufacture skullcaps, which has been the best-selling secular product in the Indian political marketplace.

“Elections in India are near and there is already a rush among the politicians to prove themselves more secular than the others. So much so, that even LK Advani is appearing secular. In such a scenario, we expect politicians to go that extra mile to prove their secular credentials, and we want to provide that extra mile,” To Pi, a Chinese manufacturer told Faking News.

To Pi gave this expression when asked if he saw India becoming a bigger superpower than China due to its politics and policies

Hoping to grab the first mover advantage, To Pi showcased a new range of designer skullcaps that will cater to the high end secularism market under the brand name SKAPS.

“These caps are fitted with glowing LEDs, so even if there is a power failure at a function, or journalists’ camera flashes start malfunctioning, the caps will be clearly visible, thus underscoring the secular credential of the wearer,” the Chinese businessman explained the benefits of his latest product poised to flood the Indian market.

To Pi rued that manufacturers like him missed the earlier opportunity of making designer “Main Bhi Anna” caps.

“We don’t want to lose another business opportunity,” To Pi said, “We have already received an order from the Congress party of India, while we are evaluating Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar’s proposal for an special status exclusive partnership.”

Unconfirmed sources claim that China has already contracted laborers from Pakistan.

“No, no, not to manufacture skullcaps. China can produce those in-house. Some manufacturers were thinking of creating a fake Osama Bin Laden and that’s where Pakistani expertise will be of help; you know, a fake Osama was used by Lalu Yadav and Ram Vilas Paswan during Bihar assembly elections a few years ago,” a source explained.

Apart from secular goods, Chinese manufacturers are planning to supply other political products that would be in high demand as the general elections in India get nearer; products such as flags of political parties, masks of Narendra Modi, and mini audio amplifiers playing ‘clapping’ and ‘zindabad’ sounds repetitively.

“We may not be a democratic country, but we too want to take part in the democratic process of our neighbors,” To Pi tried to give a spin to his business decision.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Husband-wife can’t agree on Narendra Modi, file for divorce

Patna. After being denied divorce by family courts even though the couple mutually wanted to end their marriage, Nitish and Sushila have now filed a fresh petition for divorce citing their irreversible disagreement on Narendra Modi.

“Courts would always ask us to go back and try to make it work when we cited reasons like opposite lifestyles and life-goals. They will ask us to wait for a few months before taking a final decision on breaking the marriage; it was frustrating,” 41-year-old Nitish told Faking News.

However, Nitish is now confident that courts would grant him divorce as the relationship between him and his wife has reached a tipping point – they just can’t agree over Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi.

Critics claim that this posture suggests a direct fight between the left and the right (hands)

“There is no scope for any middle path or reconciliation, the court has to approve our divorce now,” Nitish said.

Sushila, his wife of 17 years, too confirmed the news. “Finally, good riddance!” she said.

Legal experts say that keeping in mind the recent developments in the country, the courts might not have any other option but to grant divorce to the couple as this Narendra Modi “issue” seems to have no practical solution.

“We expect more civil cases on similar lines. In fact, we have confirmed news that people are signing business contracts where one of the clauses read – this contract will be deemed terminated with effect from the date when both the parties fail to mutually agree on Narendra Modi – employers and fire employees and houseowners can ask tenants to vacate premises if they fail to agree on Modi,” a leading lawyer told Faking News.

“Of course, Modi is not a party to such contracts, but he will nevertheless be discussed during the disputes,” the lawyer explained.

“Such a polarizing figure, how can he be expected to lead and unite India,” tweeted a person, who had got around 3000 mentions, and counting, when repots last came in.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Prince William to replace Amitabh Bachchan in Gujarat tourism ads

Gandhinagar/London. Gujarat government has decided to replace Amitabh Bachchan with Prince William as the brand ambassador for Gujarat tourism. This decision was made after DNA testing revealed that Prince William’s great-great-great-great-great grandmother Eliza Kewark hailed from Gujarat and was half-Indian.

Making this announcement, a Gujarat tourism spokesperson said, “We had a good run with Mr. Bachchan but now situation has changed a little bit. Future King of England has Gujarati genes in him and we need to capitalize on that. While Mr. Bachchan was successful in attracting Indian tourists to Gujarat, we hope to attract even international tourists now by using Prince William’s global appeal.”

William-bhai and Kate-ben

“We were already thinking about replacing Mr. Bachchan with a local Gujarati face. Names of some local Gujarati superstars like Munaf Patel and Sir Jadeja were being considered. We had almost finalized Sir Jadeja’s name too but then we became aware of the most famous Gujarati in the world, Prince William and immediately decided to make him our brand ambassador.”

Though Prince William hasn’t yet officially responded to this offer, politicians in India have already started criticizing this move.

Senior Congress leader Mr. Digvijay Singh said, “All I want to know is that from where this Gujarati ancestry came up just after Modi’s elevation in the BJP? There is something fishy about this. This DNA report is fabricated by Mr. Modi to link the royal family with Gujarat. Modi just wants to control England like Hitler. He should remember that Hitler never managed to conquer England and neither will Modi, even with all his chicanery.”

Leading political analysts from India have also warned Prince William against accepting this offer as it will put into question his secular credentials.

However, Amitabh Bachchan has graciously accepted this decision by Gujarat government saying, “Well, it is their decision. Thankfully, Kaun Banega Crorepati is starting soon so I won’t be out of work! Anyway, Bahut din guzaar liye Gujarat me, now back to KBC studio.”

Meanwhile, after hearing about the genetic link of Prince William with India, Indians in London have started an agitation outside Buckingham Palace asking the prince to return the Kohinoor diamond to his home country, India.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Animals in Bihar demand Fodder Security Bill in case Lalu returns to power

Patna. With the ruling BJP-JD (U) alliance headed for a break-up, animals in Bihar fear RJD’s return to power and a return of the Fodder Scam – which saw billions of rupees meant for animal welfare being siphoned off by corrupt babus and netas, forcing Lalu Yadav to resign as the Chief Minister of Bihar.

Fearing repeat of such scenario, the animals, led by buffaloes, have demanded “Fodder Security Bill” to be passed in Bihar before the current government goes and Lalu Yadav returns to run away with their food.

“We chose buffaloes as they stronger, boneheaded, and have thick skin, and thus can succeed in political maneuverings,” said Bakruddin, a goat.

Bakruddin is not too optimistic about future of politics in Bihar

“They are also seen as pro-RJD,” Bakruddin added.

Bakruddin further revealed that goats like him were the most scared among all the animals in the fast changing political equations of Bihar.

“The government could fall. Many ministers could risk losing their job, and this may lead to some ministers sacrificing goats to save their jobs,” Bakruddin bared his deepest fears.

“We are most confused and afraid as we are seen as secular animals,” the ~~sacrificial~~ scared goat told Faking News.

Goats are hoping that the buffaloes will help them get this Fodder Security Bill passed and ensure that they don’t die of hunger; though the risk of them dying due to human beings’ hunger for power remains.

“Cows too are a part of this movement and hence we hope that BJP would support Fodder Security Bill,” the goat said.

Donkeys were seen distributing pamphlets among all the animals and birds, asking them to join the movement and secure their future. Hens, ducks, horses, sheep, etc. are already on board, the protesting animals claim.

“No comments,” Bakruddin said when this reporter asked if pigs too were part of the lobby that was pushing for the Fodder Security Bill.

Unconfirmed sources say that pigs, though among those who were hit by the Fodder Scam, are not too much concerned, as they believe that the ensuing mood in Bihar would be conducive to their well-being and happiness.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Restaurant called Third Front launched for people who just can’t decide what to order

New Delhi. Taking inspiration from politicians who can’t decide between Congress and BJP, a restaurant called “Third Front” has been launched for people who can’t decide between a Tandoori chicken and Barbeque chicken.

“Every restaurant gets frustrated with customers who take hours to place their order. They keep discussing among themselves – aaj Mexican try karte hain, Thai try karein kya – and finally order Hakka noodles or Paav Bhaaji,” Nitish Patnaik, chef of newly launched Third Front told Faking News.

Logo of Third Front – promoters claim that there are two V’s visible, hence double victory assured.

“Sometimes they even ask for details of the recipe as if that’d help them decide,” the chef further revealed, “Once I tried to explain difference between cauliflower and broccoli, but it was like explaining difference between Tamil and Telugu to a Haryanvi. Just not worth it!”

“They are fundamentally confused and indecisive, and end up wasting time for everyone. It’s better if they come together at one place,” Nitish explained the rationale for Third Front, the restaurant.

The restaurant won’t have any menu at all. The customers will be just asked “veg or non-veg?” and they will be given something to eat.

“We will not let our customers feel insignificant, and hence all of them would be given ‘reserved’ tables – akin to a ‘special status’ in a normal restaurant,” disclosed Mita Banerjee, the manager of Third Front.

While the promoters of Third Front are hopeful of grand success and profitability of their venture, not many are convinced.

“Confusion is good, but it’s good to keep the customers confused rather than appear confused,” claimed Maya Yadav, promoter of a leading restaurant chain in Uttar Pradesh.

Mayawati all set to launch her own commercial bank

Lucknow. Out of power in Uttar Pradesh and left with virtually nothing to do as Parliament is not in session, BSP supremo Mayawati has applied for a banking license from the RBI.

“Behenji’s vast personal wealth is sitting idle in godowns located in classified locations across the country, currently accruing no interest. With the monsoons coming, we are also facing a problem of rats. Lending it out to the needy while simultaneously earning lucrative rates of return on this cash is a win-win proposition for all,” said a BSP spokesperson.

The spokesman further revealed that the proposed Bahujan Bank (BB) will cater to the needs of weaker sections of the society. It’s also being seen as “Dalit Banking” along the lines of “Islamic Banking”.

“Dalit Banking is need of the hour so that financial services can reach thousands of Dalits who previously did not have access to banking,” said the spokesperson. “We plan to give a 2% subsidy on interest rates to all registered Dalits and extend 2-5% cash backed credit cards to them.”

“We will not give loan to manuwaadis,” the spokesperson outlined the principles.

From “vote bank” to “commercial bank”

Expectedly, this announcement by Mayawati has caught other political parties on back foot. Congress is most shocked as this is being seen as Mayawati’s version of Direct Cash Transfer scheme, which would stop her vote-bank from moving to Congress.

BJP was too confused to react, while Samajwadi Party has said that such step would provoke bank robberies.

“We will not be responsible for any law and order problem that may arise,” a SP leader warned.

Interestingly, RBI has welcomed the move.

“If more politicians were to divert their personal wealth from godowns and the Swiss Banking System to the Indian Banking System, we would witness a significant rise in the money under circulation and would be able to bring an increasing percentage of our adult population under financial inclusion,” RBI governor told Faking News.

However, there is a ‘little’ problem. The minimum paid-up capital for setting up a bank has been pegged at Rs. 500 crores by the RBI, while Maywati’s declared wealth is limited to Rs. 111.6 crores only.

“We plan to raise the remaining capital via the FDI route,” Mayawati declared her new found love for FDI that was seen earlier when her party took a U-turn and decided to support FDI in Retail.

“It’s the same policy; FDI in Retail Banking,” the former CM of UP explained.

It is planned that Mayawati’s statues, numbering 45,673 as per the latest Indian population census, will also be used as ATM dispensing machines to widen the reach of her banking services.

“There will be one little change in the way these ATMs would operate,” Mayawati clarified, “On every 15th January, 10% of the cash withdrawn will be retained by the ATMs as my birthday gift.”

American desis thank government as Rupee slides against Dollar

New York, USA. Over five hundred Indians living in New York gathered yesterday outside the Indian consulate to celebrate the first “India Shining” day, as the American currency continued its rise against the rupee, reaching a record Rs 59 per US dollar.

Ever since the dollar started its recent skyward ascent, Indians (desis, not natives) in the US have been watching with bated breaths to see how far it would go. Western Union and other banks have been doing brisk business as remittances have reached record levels.

There were plenty of tales of sacrifice at the venue. We met people who had been sleeping on empty stomachs, not using toothpastes or deodorants, walking 5 miles to office instead of taking the subway, terminating their DishTV subscriptions and forgoing the daily dose of soaps, all so they can save dollars and maximize their gains out of this unprecedented opportunity.

Many people have been re-counting the dollar bills that they have, expecting them to grow in number

We talked to Bob, real name Bhupinder, who works as a taxi driver in Queens. Bob said that he had been saving money for a second taxi, but sent it all back home after seeing the exchange rate

“Sirjee, a second taxi will not make as much money as this dollar rate is making for me,” he said in heavily accented English, as three other people standing next to him nodded in agreement.

Some people back in India are suspecting that this falling rupee is actually a clever strategic move of the government to get NRIs on their side.

“They are rich. They have traditionally leaned towards the ‘right’ and are seen as ‘natural voters’ of BJP. But the UPA government has been able to impress them with falling rupee,” was the insightful observation of an analyst from a Delhi based think-tank we talked to.

“You can consider it as the first overseas implementation of the Direct Cash Transfer scheme of the government,” the analyst added.

There is also speculation that the actual beneficiary of the rupee slide is the real-estate mafia, as NRIs are lapping up an unprecedented number of 2-3 BHK apartments and plots in Gurgaon and Greater Noida.

“No comments,” said the analyst when asked if a certain son-in-law and a certain real estate company could have been the biggest beneficiary.

(‘reporter’ Atulya is the author of ‘Amreekandesi – Masters of America’, a hilarious look at the sort of things Indian immigrants in the US go through. He tweets as @amreekandesi)