Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Dhoni’s Facebook wall after his run in with a journalist in Press Conference

Friday, April 1, 2016

Delhi boy gets thrashed by shopping mall security for not wearing sunglasses at night

New Delhi: A Delhi boy named Rahul Malhotra had to be admitted to AIIMS trauma centre after being beaten by security guards at Wannabe Celebrity Mall (WCM) at Delhi NCR.

Wear your sunglasses or risk getting thrashed

Faking News correspondent Bonobos probed into the matter with some eyewitnesses.

One of the eyewitnesses Honey who was present at the WCM when the incident took place angrily told bonobos

He said, “I was there with a couple of friends when Rahul entered WCM, although he looked human only but me and my friends wondered something on him was unusual, Then we realized it was 9:45 in night and he was not wearing any sunglasses that too inside the mall. We thought he cannot be a human, but either an alien or a ghost. In Delhi this kind of criminal behavior is absolutely forbidden, we were just watching the incident from our eyes behind our wayfarers and aviators. I was just wondering what kind of security lapse was this.”

“I and my friends were shocked because last man without sunglasses in a mall in Delhi was spotted 6 years back and it never happened in WCM at least. Then we approached mall security who were helpful and swung into swift action. They took the accused to the security room, upon interrogation first thing we asked him as weather he was from outside and just landed in Delhi to which he replied in negative. He said he was born and brought up in Delhi and hasn’t gone outside Delhi since last 27 years,” Honey added.

“Then we realized what grave offence he had committed. Then the security showed some mercy and finally asked him whether somebody has stolen his sunglasses to which he replied why would I need sunglasses at night,” Honey said with bewilderment.

“Finally my friends and security decided that it was time to teach him a lesson, what did he think of himself, whether every other person inside the mall is a fool. And look at the shamelessness of that chap, even upon being beaten badly he did not utter ‘Tu Jaanta nahi mera baap kaun hai’ even once,” Honey said while rolling up his sleeves.

BMC to hire Superman for its future demolition drives

Mumbai: Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation (BMC) has decided to hire Superman for easing its future demolition drives.

Angered by BMC hiring a foreign Superman, Indian Superman is ferociously placing calls to BMC urging to give him a job of demolishing box offices at least.

Speaking to Faking News, a corporator from BMC, who requested anonymity, said, “BMC had been performing demolition drives across the city for several years, taking down many slums and buildings to be replaced by new buildings or for public purposes. For doing a demolition drive, we had to pay in lakhs to the bulldozer and clearing services. It was inflicting a heavy cost on our annual budget. As we were already trying to go into austere mode and reduce cost in all areas, we were getting hit by this building demolition drives.”

“It was at this juncture, one of our officials saw Batman vs. Superman movie recently. After watching that movie, he shared an idea with us, ‘Why not use Superman for demolishing buildings?’ When we asked the reason for it, he reiterated ‘In the prequel to this movie, Superman had demolished hundreds of buildings fighting with Zod. Even in this movie, he demolished so many buildings with ease.’ So, we had few of meeting and we finally decided to hire Superman for our future demolition drives. We sent an e-mail to him and also to the newspaper company where he works. Let us see whether he accepts it,” said the corporator.

He continued, “Hiring Superman has many advantages. Whenever were involved in demolition drives, especially slums, we would face a lot of resistance. But, with Superman doing it, that problem would be taken care of. Having Superman would turn the attention of world and soon other superheroes would arrive in India.”

“Not only that, we will showcase this as ‘Make in India’. We will project this as FDI – Foreign DC comics Investment. If he feels bored when not involved in demolishing buildings, he can get a job in Indian media. That way, he can also demolish facts too!” beamed the corporator.

Frustrated by Good Morning messages on WhatsApp, students switch to Nokia 1100

New Delhi: In the recent reports received from the university students across the country, frustrated from ‘Good Morning’ Whatsapp messages from relatives and family members, youngsters have finally decided to quit smartphones and switch to Nokia 1100.

I’ll be back!

Speaking to Faking News reporter, Sandeep Sharma, an engineering student from Delhi, said, “Each morning I receive around 100 Good Morning messages. In fact the notification sound of the message itself wakes me up. And it’s the same message that keeps circulating on Watsapp. I am at my wits end about what is to be done. I thought un-installing Watsapp may help. But it doesn’t solve my problem completely. Now I am thinking of getting rid of my smartphone.”

Sandeep’s thoughts were echoed by many, who thought switching back to their old Nokia phones is the only solution.

Sources say that this sentiment has led to significant dip in sale of smartphones. All smart phone companies have strategized to send a request letter to Whatsapp users to stop the urge of Good Morning and Have a good day messages.

Good Morning messages hogging precious phone memory has also become a huge headache for many. Some are falling back on technology to deal with this problem through a ‘saving memory’ initiative.

“A warning message will flash every morning to alert the whatsapp users as a part of SAVE MEMORY SPACE campaign. Warning message appears twice for users above 40 years of age,” said a techie.

There were also reports that a student from Nagpur is yet to recover from shock as she could not take a selfie in the washroom because of lack of space in the mobile.

Mobile companies too are taking proactive steps to deal with memory problems. Vice President of a leading mobile company was quoted saying, “Health tips, Vastu directions, Silly jokes and emotional messages will be taken care in the next move. As an immediate measure, automated app will automatically delete pictures from the gallery. App detects images that has bunch of flowers, sunrise, Kabir ke dohe.”

Meanwhile, Nokia has reportedly taken cognizance of the reversing trend and reopened its manufacturing facility in Chennai.

Ravi Shastri blasts Wankhede pitch curator for making a thin crease line

Mumbai: A day after India’s shocking defeat against West Indies, team management is already looking for a fall guy, with a livid team director Ravi Shastri blaming the pitch curator at Wankhede for the defeat.

Ravi Shastri pointing all his fingers at the curator for India’s defeat

Sources within BCCI say that Mr.Shastri was furious with the two no balls that gave Simmons a life line, and eventually cost India the match. Speaking to Faking News a source said, “Ravi Shastri went straight to the curator after India’s loss and gave the curator a piece of his mind. Shastri suarely blamed the curator for making a thin crease line which led to bowler Ashwin overstepping. ‘These kids are young and they are bound to make mistakes. But atleast you should have been a little more careful. Why did you make a crease this thin’, he seems to have said. Even the management feels that Mr. Shastri has a point here.”

“When everyone keeps blaming us for making doctored pitches, a thick crease should have been just what the doctor ordered,” said the source.

At a media briefing Ravi Shatri himself explained his sand. “Our bowlers were bowling just fine, but the crease was too slim,” Shastri said, “Why else do you think the ground umpires could never spot the no-balls and it was referred to the TV umpire on both the occasions? Because the crease was drawn so slim that it was not visible clearly from a height of 5 feet, the height at which umpire’s eyes were placed.”

“Thank god we didn’t have Dinda playing in the match, else from his height when he’s in air, the crease would not have been visible at all,” Shastri added.

It’s not clear as of now what punitive action will be taken against the curator, but it seems Mr. Shastri is seeking maximum punishment.

Meanwhile, there are others who say that to avoid such incidents from happening in future, BCCI should hand over pitch curation to Virat Kohli.

Friday Faking Release: Bahke Kadam (*ing Ravichandran Ashwin, Hardik Pandya, Ravindra Jadeja)

India lost the Semifinal match of the World T20 to West Indies on Thursday. Biggest contributor to West Indian victory in the match was the positioning of some Indian players’ feet. While Ashwin and Pandya overstepped the line, Ravindra Jadeja’s foot touched th line. Will Indian players learn from this and keep their feet in check in future or will their wandering feet get them in trouble again? To find out the answers, watch our Friday Faking Release: Bahke Kadam.

P.S.- Original Bahke Kadam is a 1999 film starring Shakti Kapoor among others. Readers are advised not to google for the original poster in public places.

Pakistan to stop sending its team to World Cup, will just celebrate India’s loss as World Cup win

Lahore: After repeatedly under-performing at the Cricket World Cups, Pakistan Cricket Board has decided that they will no longer send its team to the global event. Instead, Pakistan will be content to celebrate any Indian loss at the World Cup as their World Cup victory.

Pakistan fans celebrating after West Indies beat India

This decision as taken by PCB after watching Pakistan fans celebrate India’s loss to West Indies in the World T20 semifinal with more enthusiasm than the celebrations after any victory that Pakistan achieved in recent past.

Speaking to the press, a Pakistan Cricket Board spokesperson said, “Looking at our current squad, we think it is best that we avoid sending them to the World Cups as it only leads to embarrassment and humiliation for the cricketers as well as the board. They have as much chance of winning any World Cup right now as Kamran Akmal has of taking a catch so what is the point? All we are doing is wasting time and money in sending these players to the World Cup when we can celebrate victory without playing a match.”

Furthermore he added, “We saw our countrymen celebrating West Indian win over India last night and realized we don’t have to send a team to World Cup at all. We are already celebrating as if we have won the World Cup every time India loses in the tournament. From now on, we will officially celebrate India’s loss as our World Cup triumph.”

As per sources, PCB has already decided to take out an open bus parade through the streets of Lahore and Karachi to celebrate their ‘World Cup victory’ after India lost yesterday. There have also been rumours of Atif Aslam and Ali Zafar performing at these celebrations.

Meanwhile, Bangladesh Cricket Board is also considering the same proposal after watching their players and fans celebrate Indian loss as well but are yet to finalize their stand.

“We have a better team than Pakistan so will try to win a World Cup ourselves but if it doesn’t happen during the next couple of tournaments, we will follow their lead in celebrating Indian loss as our World Cup victory”, a Bangladesh Cricket Board spokesman said.