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Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Monthly EMIs declared best employee of the year by HRs

Mumbai. In a unanimous decision taken by HR professionals across industries, monthly EMIs paid by employees were declared the best employees of the year.

It is for the first time a non-human entity was chosen for this award that too by HRs cutting across all companies.

“These EMIs may not be humane, but they have this great quality of not letting any employee leave his seat howsoever unhappy he maybe with his job, boss, salary, work environment, quality of female colleagues, coffee machines, water err I mean daal served in cafeteria, etc,” explained HR head of a leading IT company, while handing over a bouquet to monthly EMI statements of his employees.

Thing that holds unsatisfied employee back

Further to this these EMIs bring out the best from the employees.

“When they know they have EMIs to pay, they also know they can’t afford to lose their jobs and hence do the best possible work in order to not get laid-off,” he added.

HR guys further point to how dramatically attrition rate goes down once employees start taking loans and depend on their monthly salaries to pay EMIs.

“Neither do we have to convince employees to stay, nor do we have to give all that jazz to employee about how he is the most valued resource and how he is not underpaid and how for him things are going to change for good in the company soon,” another senior HR from banking industry told Faking News, “In fact you won’t believe, even I am hooked on to my seat for 4 years, because of my house loan EMI, despite having a rather hectic work schedule for an HR of 2 hours a day.”

Sources from different companies claim that soon many companies will have loan approval departments in place.

“We will encourage employees to take loan for even the tea that they have at tapri outside,” revealed a source.

Sundar Pichai steps down as Google CEO, says he took up the position only to redesign the logo

California: Sundar Pichai, who was elevated to the position of CEO of tech giant Google, has decided to step down after just a month of taking over.

Sundar Pichai at his farewell address

In an email addressed to employees he said, “My job here is done. I never believed in making tall promises and not fulfilling them. I told them I will redesign the logo and I have done that. I hope every person who has ever been associated with Google will be proud today.”

A Google spokesperson while speaking to the media said, “Changing the logo was the most important decision taken by our CEO. I can’t think of anything that could be called more significant than this and it can be validated by the fact that #GoogleLogo was trending on twitter.”

Google founders were all praise for the India born CEO. Sergey Brin, co-founder of Google, said that he came to know that Sundar in Hindi means beautiful and that is the reason why the top management decided to elevate Sundar Pichai. So that he could make the logo look simple yet beautiful.

It is yet known as to who will be taking over from Mr. Pichai but sources tell us that it would probably be someone with Indian roots. Media as usual is already on the hunt to find all possible ‘Indian connections’ of the next CEO.

Speaking of India, Prime Minister Modi congratulated Mr. Pichai for his achievement and hoped that Google makes its search engine even better so that achievements of BJP government are highlighted. He also took a shot at Arvind Kejriwal and said, “Mitron, Kejriwal aur Pichai dono IIT se hai lekin kitna fark hai dono mein. Ek desh ka naam roshan kar raha hai aur doosre ko picture aur rock concert se fursat nahi milti.”

Meanwhile, the news of Sundar Pichai stepping down was not well received in Tamil Nadu. “People have not yet finished celebrating and this guy decides to step down. He didn’t even care for Tamil Pride. Before stepping down he should at least appoint some Tamilian is his place,” said a student studying at IIT Madras, visibly upset at the loss bragging rights.

Man finally interested in Indrani Mukerjea case thanks to relentless media coverage

Mumbai. Rajesh Thapar, a 37-year-old businessman living in Borivali, has finally expressed interest in knowing some details about the Sheena Bora murder case involving now-famous media person Indrani Mukerjea.

“What this shit all about?” Rajesh asked his friend who was watching a news channel showing live updates about the case, “I have also seen news channels airing this but didn’t bother earlier. Hai kya yeh?”

The interest expressed by Rajesh is being seen as one of the biggest achievement of Indian TV news media, which has been religiously covering this case that deals with issues like crime, relationships, money, Suhel Seth, helmet, and alternate spellings of surnames.

The details that Rajesh is receiving now. He hopes to be an expert on the issue by the end of the day.

“We were indeed concerned when we got to know about Rajesh, who was simply indifferent to a case that was being followed by us 24×7,” Managing Editor of a news channel told Faking News, “But now we’ve been proven right. We will make sure Rajesh knows everything about the case, including why Indrani refused to have capsicums in the sandwich that was ordered in Paris that night.”

When contacted, Rajesh confirmed that he was now interested in knowing more about the case.

“Frankly I was entirely pissed off since last few days with this crap all over every news channel,” he said, “But then I saw some WhatsApp jokes and Facebook status messages about this, and felt very odd at not having understood them. So I thought to update myself with the latest information.”

Sources say that earlier Rajesh had tried to understand why inflation figures seem to be under control while prices of onions are on rise, but gave up and thought to understand the Indrani Mukerjea case instead.

“That’s was appears more relevant as every news channel is talking about it,” he said.

After watching news channels for a couple of hours, Rajesh confirmed that he was finding it “helpful” and “worth it”.

“I had stopped watching news channels after I couldn’t get answers about economy that I was looking for, but this case has the best of both Kumkum Bhagya and Crime Patrol – two of my favorite TV shows – and so I’m interested in watching TV news again,” he explained.

Lalu claims Rs 4 Lakh following Shiv Sena’s announcement of Rs 2 Lakh reward for every Hindu family, which has five children

Patna: Amidst uproar after the release of census data, Shiv Sena’s announcement of Rs 2 lakh reward for every Hindu family, which has five children, has left everyone astonished.

An adamant Lalu Yadav speaking to the media and putting forth his demand for money

Not to be left behind, RJD President Lalu Prasad Yadav has claimed his rightful Rs 4 lakh. Speaking to Faking News he said, “Nine children ka father hai hum, batao kitna paisa banta hai hamara. Dus lakh banta hai na. Hum Uddhav Thackeray sahab se request karta hu ki woh humko hamara paisa de.”

But Shiv Sena spokesperson has flatly refuted Lalu Yadav’s claim saying, “Our scheme is only valid for a family that has five kids, which are born between 2010 to 2015. Lalu Yadav doesn’t fit that criterion.”

BJP parliamentarian Sakshi Maharaj has welcomed this move of Shiv Sena and said, “I am very glad that Shiv Sena has set the threshold to 5 children. It is one more than the minimum-children (four) that a Hindu woman should have to protect Hinduism and Sanatan Dharma.”

Meanwhile, Mulayam Singh Yadav has raised doubts over this scheme and said it defies his logic. Speaking to party workers he said, “A man can never have four children from a single woman. It is not practical. This scheme is vague and purposeless. Since no one can ever have five children from a single wife, everybody will violate preconditions of this scheme.”

Experts are of the opinion that it is a politically motivated move by Shiv Sena and likely to cause polarization in Bihar before the assembly election. Sonia Gandhi has alleged and said, “Polarization is BJP’s masterstroke to win elections.”

She further added, “A Yale study confirms that my allegations are genuine.”

Lalu Prasad, however was adamant and said, “Either give me Rs 4 lakh or abort this scheme.”

VHP leader Sadhvi Prachi too had a few words to say. While supporting this scheme she said, “People who are opposing this scheme should go to Pakistan.”

Lalu’s demand on this issue has given birth to another protest. Parents who have only four children born between 2010 to 2015, are now demanding that the applicability period of this scheme be extended by 9 months.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Now an app that will play ‘Take My Breath Away’ every time someone with smelly feet removes shoes at work

Bangalore: What could be worse than travelling in crowded trains and buses and fighting slow moving traffic to reach work? If you thought the answer is ‘an overbearing boss’, you are wrong.

No more smelly feet at work

According to a survey conducted by Hybrid HR, a human resource consulting firm, whopping 70% respondents who were surveyed said that employees who remove their shoes at work and assault the olfactory system of co-workers were the biggest headache.

There is however a solution to this problem. A Bangalore based startup has developed an app that automatically plays the song ‘Take my Breath Away’ every time it encounters malodour.

Sundar Iyer, a 40 year old techie who designed the app spoke to our reporter. He said, “My personal experience forced me to design this app. I remember my co-worker who had this habit of removing his shoes after reaching office and since most offices these days are closed air-conditioned spaces, there was no way for me other than holding my breath. That is when the idea for this app struck me.”

The app has already seen a million downloads on Google Playstore just a week after its debut.

“The best thing about this app is that it passes on the message without being rude. I have seen success with this app at my workplace. Our employees are now happy and more productive,” said an HR Manager working for a major IT company.

Meanwhile, residents of Bangalore who have previously used innovative methods to highlight issues plaguing the city used the app to address the garbage problem. Loudspeakers were heard playing the song outside the office of BBMP (Bruhat Bengaluru Mahanagar Palike).

The authorities at BBMP however were not so impressed. “Why don’t they make an app that will pick up the garbage from various locations in the city and take it to the dumping ground,” said an official as he wiped his face with a tissue paper and threw it out of the window.

Indrani Mukerjea-Sheena Bora case has been covered extensively to revive public interest in crime thrillers

Mumbai: In a major drive to promote murder mystery literature by instilling chronological reading habits among youth of today, news websites set their differences aside and joined hands to address the cause.

News websites turning into crime thriller novels

Lack of reading, as they pointed out, affects the overall development of mind; as a result, the young generation is unaware of a world that has systematically established a written communication system beyond, ‘k, lol, and brb’.

Unfortunately, Playboy hasn’t earned the same status as other good reads despite being one of the most popular print publications of all time, and hence, many found themselves unfairly categorized as anti-readers.

What news websites needed was an event which they could camouflage as a novel and lure those who visit news websites to check the latest cricket score, and once the story of Mukerjeas unfolded; they seized the opportunity and beautifully transformed their website into a novel.

As they say, if you rest your eyes on a page, you would start reading it, and that’s exactly what happened to those innocent cricket enthusiasts who just wanted to go through the sports page to see if Ravindra Jadeja had retired or not.

To cover this multi-starrer complex story, each writer was assigned one character each; and they analyzed each and every angle of the crime, carried out extensive research on the whereabouts of each individual from 2012 to 2015, added POV of cops like professional crime novelists, and then produced chapter after chapter of the story each day, which would have made Agatha Christie struggle for a livelihood had she been living in this era.

Personal columns, which are otherwise reserved for politicians-cum-columnists for mudslinging purposes, have also been utilized to review this novella.

Junior writers, however, are still searching for the missing links and the distant relatives of Mukerjeas to showcase their talent.

While the characters became household names following the grand success of this initiative, those with surnames Mukerjea, Bora, and Khanna started scrutinizing their family trees to see if they are by any chance related to the protagonists of not.

Elders of those families shared the names of their ancestors with the younger ones following their sudden interest in ancestral details.

This case has given the media a new direction along with one of the best analytical problems on family trees, which would circulate on Facebook for years to come.

Unfortunately, this story would fade away in a few days once another Hardik Patel shows up and occupies all the web spaces available, unless Ram Gopal Varma decides to make a movie on the story and presents it as a sequel of The Discovery of India.

Arnab to test truthfulness of the lie-detector device before it is used for Indrani’s questioning

Mumbai: The investigation team currently working on Sheena Bora case has reportedly sought help from the noted journalist, outrage expert and Autonomous Justice of India: Arnab Goswami, for making sure that Indrani Mukherjea’s questioning is completely fool-proof.

Arnab testing the lie detector machine

Speaking to Faking News, a source from the Forensics department said, “This is unlike any other case we have handled before. A regular investigation will not take us to the root of the crime. That is why we asked for a specialized lie-detector from the US.”

In spite of having purchased high-profile equipment from the US, the investigation team wasn’t fully confident of its precision.

They were also afraid of the possibility of someone reprogramming the equipment just like the defective voting machines pre-selecting a party symbol on the day of voting.

Impressed with Arnab’s prowess for providing quick-fire justice, the head of the team is believed to have sent him an email asking for a formal inspection of the device.

“We believe in Arnab Goswami and his ability to extract truth on national television. He provides justice at super-sonic speeds, even before the panelists speak to give their versions. I sincerely hope the lie-detector device gives in to Arnab and functions properly while Indrani is being questioned,” said Jasoos Kumar as he was waiting to receive Arnab at their office.

Sources warn that the device might actually stop working if it dodges the questions asked by Arnab as part of its initial diagnosis in which case the investigation team will order a new machine.

Meanhwhile, the design team which arrived from US with the lie detector, was seen discussing with Arnab about design modifications.

“We are talking about the future of lie detectors. A device that can read between the lines, handle multiple inputs, similar to how Arnab handles multiple panelists and come up with seemingly accurate results in just an hour,” said a designer working on the prototype.