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Monday, May 4, 2015

Delhi Daredevils captain JP Duminy faces ban for slow over rate owing to Imran Tahir’s wicket celebrations

New Delhi. Delhi Daredevils Captain JP Duminy has been fined and banned for 1 match due to slow over rates in the ongoing IPL tournament. The decision has been taken by IPL discipline committee after Daredevils failed to complete 20 overs in required time-frame, straight for the 3rd time. Cricket Investigation of Daredevils (CID) is doing a deep investigation on this by watching recording of their previous matches.

We spoke to one of the investigation team member and they revealed that it is Imran Tahir’s wicket celebration which is causing an extra delay and in turn resulting in slow over rates.

Celebrations that have become iconicIPL

He said, “Generally a bowler’s wicket celebration completes in 30 seconds but in case of Imran Tahir, it is around 4 minutes. We have seen how uncontrollably he celebrates when he takes a wicket by going in random directions towards boundary line. He likes to celebrate his wicket with spectators more than his teammates. Moreover , this habit of Tahir keeps all the team members fit and warm during the match as they are forced to run towards him to catch him for a high five. Tahir’s habit is doing more good to IPL than bad. We are not happy with the decision.”

JP Duminy is devastated with the ban. He said, “This is a ridiculous decision. What about Danny Morrison who bores us and wastes time in his useless antics. What about Akash Chopra who who wastes time in analyzing statistics of Yuvraj Singh’s failure. The worst part is I cannot even blame anyone for racial discrimination as all my Indian teammates are darker than me.”

The incident has divided Daredevil players into 2 groups. The group favoring Tahir are young Indian players and foreign players . The opposing group, also called THE LETHARGIANS belong to Yuvraj, Amit Mishra and Zaheer Khan . Yuvraj Singh even said that by celebrating so much, Tahir is actually mocking his bad form. Zaheer Khan also echoed Yuvraj’s thoughts.

Our reporters caught Imran Tahir during practice sessions where he was practicing his googly i.e. leg break.

He said, “I don’t know what other players and management think of this behaviour of mine, but I dont do this by choice. It is a sort of phobia I have developed since childhood. In my childhood, when I was a kid, I used to play cricket on the roads outside my house which were called streets . Once I was bowling to a muscular black native in Natal and I clean bowled him with an off break. I was so happy (as I always am) that I went in front of him and started fist pumping. That guy smacked 2 punches on my face and I was down in a second. I still remember the pain of that punch. Since then, I started to bowl leg break and whenever I get any wicket I run away from the batsman as far as I can.”

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Bangalore cab driver fails to overtake BMTC Volvo bus, quits his job in shame

Bangalore. In a bizarre incident that took place last night, a cab driver hailing from Madiwala quit his job in shame and he mentioned that he is never going to take up cab driving again with teary eyes.

Muniraj, a cab driver working with an MNC as daily transporter, was in his last trip for the day from ITPL to silk board. As it happens frequently, he spotted a 500ca route BMTC Volvo bus heading in the same direction and he started racing along with it. On a typical day he would’ve overtaken it in minutes time but this day was different. He tried really hard, very hard indeed but still failed to overtake it before reaching silk board.

They were neck to beck at one point of time.

Muniraj, who is known as Lewis Hamilton in his cab driver fraternity, couldn’t digest whatever happened with him. He started to sense that his speed coming down; he isn’t the same driver anymore. If fellow cab drivers find out about what happened, it would certainly degrade his image as Bengaluru cab driver. In the midst of all these thoughts, he decided to hang his keys and called it quits.

While Muniraj already decided to retire from the circuit, Bengaluru cab drivers association is planning to felicitate him for the contribution to the fraternity. He will be given the title “Quintessential Bengaluru cab driver”, and another chance to race the same Volvo driver. If reports are to be believed, that Volvo driver is already paid a bribe to take it easy and let Muniraj win.

Medical store owner clinches top job in cryptology

Mumbai. A medical store owner from Bandra, a suburban area in Mumbai, today has been offered with a high profile cryptologist job offer from a top internet security company. There were also other offers from various universities, banks, military forces and even some political parties.

Agarwal, with a name well suited for a career in cryptology, did not have any clue about his hidden innate ability to decode the most complex and stupid encryptions, until the job offers started coming in to his store address, on almost daily basis. For Agarwal, he was just another small time pharmacy owner trying to make a living, reading scribbles of doctors and dentists.

He could decode such stuff withing seconds

The field of cryptology, to go along with secretive trait it demands, has a unique and highly mysterious selection process for prospective job offers. For years, several medical store owners and employees in India have been secretively followed by banks, military forces and security companies alike. “If someone can decode an Indian medical professional’s prescription, then automatically he/she would qualify for an entry level job in cryptology,” a military official informed Faking News.

During an average working day, Agarwal can dispense medical supplies to ailing customers with or without references to prescriptions written by doctors of varied handwriting disorder, some suffering chronic level of dysgraphia. On several occasions, Agarwal dispensed medicines referring to a daily calendar leaf, a school progress card and a dental impression.

However, what tilted the scales for Agarwal, against other equally proficient decoders in India, was his ability to encode and send messages back to doctors. Whenever a particular medicine is about to be out of stock, Agarwal would write a note back to the doctor in the same prescription form and ask the already unwell patient to walk back to meet the doctor to verify the medicines. The secret messages which could only be understood by the specific doctor, could not even be decoded by the security companies that were studying him for years, it was learnt later.

“Agarwal can write differently to suit the decoding skills of different doctors and for this precise skill he had been offered this high profile cryptologist title in our company”, the HR manager of the internet security company told Faking News, to leave the reporter completely bewildered, not with all the secretive demeanor of cryptology, but with the unbelievable fact that even internet security companies have HR managers, who are not trustworthy by job definition.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Husband enters Guinness World Records after consulting wife 256 times in a single grocery shopping session

Bangalore. An IT employee from India’s Silicon Valley has entered the Guinness Book of World Records for a fantastic achievement of consulting his wife two hundred and fifty six times in a single grocery shopping session.

Ajith Kumar is a software engineer who got married recently and was reportedly in the process of setting up his home in a city apartment. His wife had given him a meter long slip containing a total of 250 items to be purchased. As soon as Ajith entered a nearby supermarket, the saga of “call, confirm and add to cart” started. Ajith was a bad planner and a strong advocate of “Take it as it comes”, which made him call his wife every time he was about to pick up an item from the rack, instead of discussing all items at once.

“Ajith while checking his list for the 156th time.”

At office, he was on a software code review panel that over scrutinized the code written by developers and raised doubts over the correctness of each line of code. This is being attributed as one of the main reasons why Ajith had so many queries to be clarified as he continued to purchase groceries.

While Ajith was shopping, a Spamway agent was reportedly stalking him with an intention of enrolling him as a part-time employee in his chain business. As per reports, it was this person who had called the Guiness World Record info-line to report a possible record while expecting some kind of remuneration from the Guinness team.

Sources say IIN students are planning to stage a dharna opposite Ajith’s apartment for not having used Idea Internet Network despite having an Idea connection on his mobile.

Man who dies of anorexia balmes Steve Jobs’ ‘Stay Hungry’ speech in his final letter

Mumbai: A 24-year old man named Rajesh Chandra died today morning at his home in city’s Shapur Baug area. He died due to anorexia mirabilis – a condition caused by starving voluntarily. And moreover, Rajesh has blamed Steve Jobs’ ‘Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish’ speech as the reason for his death in a last letter written a week before.

Speaking to Faking News, Rajesh’s uncle Suresh told, “We are deeply saddened by this event. When he started to lose weight, we thought that he is doing so to impress some girl or for modelling. But, when he went skinny and was losing more weight, we were shocked and forced him to eat. He was adamant and died today due to some disease called anorexia. What is the use of having lakhs of rupees in our bank account? Our boy died of not eating. My sister is too depressed and we need some personal time. So excuse us.”

Dangerous quote!

Before we were chased away, he gave a sheet of paper and said, “This last letter written by him contains shocking and explosive content. He was unable to hold pen due to weakness, so the handwriting is horrible. But… his handwriting was anyways horrible.”

The letter indeed was explosive. It started with Rajesh’s trials on business and went on to blame Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple Inc, for his probable death.

Following is the excerpt from the letter, “.. I will blame Steve Jobs for my impending death. I was weighing 95 kilos three years back. It was then I chanced to view the ‘Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish‘ speech of Steve Jobs. It rekindled my passion. I have to confess that I’m a big fan of Steve Jobs and followed his lifestyle by wearing turtleneck and torturing my employees to work harder. So, I took his words as mantra. I decided to stay hungry. I stopped eating. Hunger grew upon me, but I resisted the temptation to quell it. I lost around 60 kilos in these three years. You might ask me ‘Are you a fool to take his words literally?’.”

The letter continued, “This is where I will again blame Jobs. He told to stay foolish. So I decided to implement that part too. I stayed hungry. I stayed foolish by staying hungry. Steve Jobs had built Apple but I did not even bite an Apple. He became billionaire, I became lean like a bill-on-air. I might die soon because of my underweight, but I will be happy that I followed Steve Jobs’ words. Meet you on the other side! Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish!”

Taking clue from multiplex, local barber to charge extra for hair cut in weekends

Bangalore. For city based techie Ambar Adhikari, working days are so hectic that by the time he reaches office, it is 2 PM. Only time he gets to groom himself is in the weekend.

Today, after spending close to 2 hours at the local barber shop which he somehow utilized by going through last twelve editions of Femina and Filmfare magazines, his turn came up. To his surprise one of the fresher from the barber group attended to a big man like him.

Ambar could not believe when the shop owner asked for 300 bucks after hair cut was over, when the rate chart mentioned for normal hair cut charge is 100 bucks. He could not believe this and felt this was daylight robbery.

Man undergoing a Rs 1000 haircut on a Sunday.

Ambar spoke to Faking News reporter, Abhishek Jayswal, on the condition of anonymity “Abhishek, as such nothing much is left in my head. With so much stress to meet deadlines in IT sector, most of my hair has literally gone through the shower to the drain. Here is the barber shop owner doing daylight robbery on me. When I asked, after sitting in queue for hours you send a fresher to attend me and then charge three times more. Shop owner showed me a small star with conditions apply next to the rate chart.”

Ambar told us when he questioned the shop owner, that fellow snapped back at him telling “Sir you are from IT industry, don’t you know how IT services companies get projects? They show clients the moon and assure there will be no bug in their software, everything will be delivered on time. Sir, has it ever happened that everything was delivered on time? And about bugs, if you just walk past the code, you will find a bug. Do not ask me how much hair was there, now a days nobody charge as per effort. Do your clients charge as per lines of code you have written?”

Shop owner told Ambar, “Sir, do not be surprised with my knowledge on IT sector. Most of the techies come to a high end salon like mine and they discuss everything about their job life, personal life with me.”

When asked about charging extra in weekends, he said “Sir, you do not hesitate to pay 4 times in the weekends to watch the same movie in the same multiplex in the same seat eating the same samosa prepared a week back and when a poor barber like me charges little bit extra as part of prime hour charge of weekends, you have so much problem.”

Barber shop owner advised Ambar to come during week days and assured he would not charge him as much, and will do the same service at one tenth of the price Ambar pays at multiplex.

Meanwhile Ambar has requested his wife to give him a break from household work in week days so that he can save some money for their future by using the salon service in weekdays.

Youngsters buy pigeons to exchange messages after Telcos warn of 60 fold hike in data tariffs

New Delhi: Youth on the internet are reportedly outraged over Telcos warning to hike the data tariff by 60 times and are on a pigeon purchasing spree as a back-up mechanism to exchange messages.

To verify this fact, our reporters went to a local pigeon market and were surprised to find a group of college students indeed purchasing pigeons, a rare sight in contemporary India. Here is the transcript of conversation our reporters had with these young students.

“Pigeon carrying a ‘BRB’ message.”

FN to a girl: “Hello, young lady! Can you tell us why you’re buying pigeons?”

Student: “We are banishing our mobile phones soon as their smartness isn’t going to be affordable anymore. Pigeons will be our new best friends!”, said Divya as she smiled with energy. “As a girl, I just need to buy a few pigeons as I chat with select people. But that doesn’t stop me from expecting a flock of them carrying ‘Hi, Whats up’ messages everyday in my veranda.”

FN to a guy: “Dude. Why so many pigeons?”

Student: “One or two pigeons are not enough for me as have a huge friends’ list. How else am I expected to convey Nm, just going on..?”, said Rahul as he tried to manage uncontrollable pigeons. “Good thing is I don’t need to carry a charger anymore. I just need to feed them and give them water. In addition to these, there’s a greater romantic angle to pigeons carrying messages and I’m sure it’ll work like magic! ”

Sources say Telcos have started to rethink their strategy on hikes after learning about this primitive approach being adopted by students. However, students seem to be so much in love with the filmy angle of exchanging messages that chances of them going back to using mobile data look quite slim.