Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Facebook wall of Ishant after he claims to jump off 24th floor if asked by Dhoni

Earlier today, Ishant Sharma claimed that he can jump from 24th floor if Dhoni asks him too. He then went ahead and posted same on his Facebook wall. Here is what happened:

Ishant Sharma’s FB wall

Monday, April 6, 2015

TV channel fires reporter after he was seen shooting Pepsi ads instead of doing a sting operation

New Delhi. Khabari Lal, a reporter with 24-hours news channel (out of which 4 hours are actual news) News Times, has been sacked by the channel for misusing office resources for personal work.

Khabari was found using the TV channel’s cameras and computers to shoot an advertisement for Pepsi, instead of doing a sting operation on a local sabziwala (vegetable vendor).

The 27-year-old reporter was editing his own Pepsi ad, when the editor-in-chief caught his act and decided to fire him.

“I saw him editing some videos of Ranbir Kapoor,” Kanti Shah, the editor-in-chief told Faking News, “I wondered what was Ranbir Kapoor doing in a sting operation on sabziwala, and that’s when I found out the truth.”

Mr. Shah, the editor-in-chief was watching Ranbir-Katrina movie clip on his mobile phone when he saw Khabari indulged in editing.

He revealed that News Times had decided to expose local vegetable vendors of Delhi who were using magnets in weighing machines to fool people, and Khabari was asked to do a sting operation that will make national headlines.

The campaign that excited Khabari

“But this Khabari befriended a sabziwala and instead shot an ad for IPL!” Mr. Shah rued.

In the video recorded by Khabari, the sabziwala is seen throwing tomatoes like Malinga and wielding lauki (bottle gourd) like helicopter shot played by Dhoni.

The video was supposed to be part of “Crash the Pepsi IPL” competition where a person is supposed to make the next Pepsi IPL ad, which will air on TV during Pepsi IPL, and win prizes.

“I wasted 6 tomatoes and 3 laukis in the process, but Khabari bhaiya said that I will be on TV and might even win prizes,” Ramu, the vegetable vendor confirmed that he willingly took part in the video shoot.

“He also made me say something like eat cricket, drink Pepsi,” Ramu revealed.

Earlier Ramu was seen destroying an out-of-use and old TV set to protest against India’s loss to Australia in just concluded World Cup. He further revealed that Khabari had given him that TV set and asked him to destroy it.

“And I was on TV, so I thought his ideas work,” Ramu explained why he decided to become a part of Khabari’s Pepsi ad.

Meanwhile Khabari Lal has said that he was not too bothered at having been fired from the job because he could shoot and edit his ad before being asked to leave office.

“I am confident of winning the Pepsi competition and then I will be a national star,” the reporter said, “After all this is why I had joined a news channel.”

To make sure others reporters or employees don’t do the same, News Times has decided to confiscate mobile phones of every employee and decided to run news reports only on YouTube videos till Pepsi’s campaign comes to an end.

AAP to now launch helpline for disgruntled leaders within party

New Delhi. After launching an anti-corruption helpline in Delhi, AAP is now on its way to launch a new helpline where disgruntled leaders within the party can express their concerns.

Sources say that AAP understands that just like corruption is a growing menace in the city, the dissent among leaders within party wrt functioning of the party and other aspects is also growing by the day.

So, in order to cater to such dissent, the party has decided to launch one more helpline where voices of such leaders will be heard.

The call could be diverted to Kejriwal’s number, sources say.

“We are very pleased to inform you that soon the likes of Bhushans and Yadavs will have a platform to register their complaints. They need not write open letters or do meaningless Press Conferences henceforth,” Manish Sisiodia announced in a press meet.

However a faction within AAP claims that by launching such helpline, Kejriwal & Co were only trying to curb the voices of dissent and not catering to them.

“They have clearly told everybody that this would be the only platform to communicate dissent. Concerned addressed anywhere else would be null and void and hence wouldn’t be entertained,” a Yogendra Yadav loyalist cum Yogendra Yadav disclosed.

The faction further pointed to certain features of this yet to be launched helpline to strengthen their claims.

“One of the features of this helpline will be that moment your call is put on hold, Kumar Vishwas’ poetry will start playing in the background,” revealed a Bhushan loyalist.

“Well it’s clear. The idea is to discourage such calls. I mean who would want to ruin his entire day by listening to Kumar Vishwas poetry?” he asked.

However Kejriwal loyalists rubbished such allegations.

“It’s bullshit. If that was the case we would not be contemplating having an option to listen to Ashutosh’s tweets by pressing some number. We surely wan’t to keep callers entertained, in case all our operators are occupied,” Ashish Khetan told Faking News.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Radamel Falcao reignites his goal-scoring form with help from Virar fast in Mumbai

Mumbai. It has been seven months since the deadline day swoop by Manchester United for Columbian hitman Radamel Falcao. A loan deal worth £6 million for Man United and an astronomical salary of £280,000 per week for Falcao has all been going down the drain at the moment. The striker tipped to reverberate the Premier League has managed only 4 goals and more intriguingly has failed to cement his place in the starting line-up being highly susceptible to injuries.

Things have been gloomy until now, however a bright and rapturous future is still in store. In the recent international friendlies, Falcao managed to score 3 goals in Colombia’s victories over Bahrain and Kuwait. Well something has definitely changed.

According to our sources, Falcao and United’s fitness staff had drafted a training programme to overturn his fortunes and resurrect his form. The intensive workout plan involved a rigorous 15 days training in the Virar fast local based in Mumbai suburbs. The training majorly aimed at developing Falcao’s physique and strength.

pumped up to catch a local

The training started with Falcao moving through the queue and taking up the Borivali-Andheri 2^ndclass pass. After the initial hustle, the training was segmented into morning and evening sessions based on local office prime times. In the morning session, Falcao had to move from platform 2 at Borivali station and muscle his way into Virar fast within a minute and get down at Andheri Station. The more tedious and challenging session was held in the evenings with Falcao boarding Virar fast from Andheri Station starting from platform 3.

Our Sources could just catch up on Falcao after his rigorous sessions and he was pretty pleased with the intensity. Falcao said, “It was a pleasurable experience moving through the crowded trains and platforms as I believe I am in much better shape and have built up a better physique. The muscle and strength gained during my sessions would be beneficial for me to adapt to the intensive Premier League especially against stiff oppositions like Crystal Palace and Stoke City.”

“I would like to thank entire fitness staff and Ed Woodward for investing so much time and money into my body. Also, I gained invaluable tips from Aditya Kashyap and Geet from Jab We Met about boarding and laying off from moving trains. Thankfully I did not miss a single train and I feel fortunate to share this record with Geet,” Falcao added.

Asked about any future sessions of the same intensity would take place, Ed Woodward mentioned, “Well, the CVMs have been abolished from 1^st April, so we have to look at the options in store and discuss further with the Western Railway. A lot of members like Jones, Evans, van Persie and Smalling are also struggling with injuries, so a future session might be on the agenda. We are also looking at innovative training programmes at Navratri with Phalguni Pathak with a lot of Cardio muscular activities involved.”

Summing up the activities, the session has been definitely fruitful for Radamel Falcao. Fortunes have changed over the international friendlies and Falcao seems to be in exquisite shape. With a tight finish to season approaching, this might be a significant boost to United chances to cement their place in the top 4. As difficult fixtures against Chelsea and Manchester City are approaching, Falcao might just be United go-to man.

King Leonidas was communal, committed atrocities on Xerxes and Persian minorities, says activist

New Delhi: Supriya Jangid a social activist and professor of political history at a local university is making news for her latest controversial book on Spartan civilization and their epic battle with Persian army, which took place a few thousand years back. In her recent book titled “Leonidas vs Xerxes, a treacherous tale of class communalism” Ms. Jangid reportedly claims that the clash between Spartans and Persians, known as Battle of Thermopylae [480 B.C.] has been wrongly interpreted by historians all these years. According to her book, King Leonidas was an upper class tyrant king who attacked rather peaceful and benevolent minority king Xerxes and committed atrocities on his army of under-privileged slaves.

Ms. Jangid provided more details on her book at a book launch event at JNU yesterday, “I know the fans will hate me for saying this but the famous Hollywood blockbuster movie 300 has got it all wrong. While it is indeed an entertaining saga with elements of blood, sweat and nudity, it is weak on storyline and contains several historic plotholes, which I have studied and re-interpreted in my book in detail. For example the movie starts by showing that Spartans would only let healthy babies live and all other babies were simply killed at birth. While this fact is supposedly glorified in the movie it clearly indicates that Spartans considered themselves to be upper class people with royal blood who could not tolerate any genetic weaknesses.”

Communal Scream.

“The same point was proven again when King Leonidas kicks the poor slave messenger into the pit of death, screaming “This is Sparta.” The fans just love this moment, but please tell me, who kicks a poor fellow into a deep pit just because of a mild altercation? In reality when King Leonidas screamed “This is Sparta” he symbolically meant that in the state of Sparta the messengers were considered to be lower-class individuals worthy only to be kicked by the upper class. This incident also ratifies the fact that it was usual practice in Sparta to kick supposed lower-class individuals such as messengers, potters, cobblers and servants into deep pits especially designed for these “communal” executions. This goes on to prove that Spartans were full of inflated high-class royal ego and were outright communal,” Jangid said.

When asked her views on the fact that 300 Spartans were actually brave warriors set out to put breaks to Xerxes’ conquest campaign and attacked his mighty armies, Jangid got visibly upset.

“First of all it was not “his” armies but “her” armies. Xerxes was a transgender and only those with a patriarchal mindset would always refer to transgenders by pronouns such as his, him etc. I prefer to respect Xerxes by defining her as a female,” Jangid said in a sharp tone.

She further continued, “Now it’s very shameful that history has been twisted in such a convoluted way all throughout. Let me clarify what actually transpired during those times. All of Xerxes’ army was full of slaves and Xerxes was a part of a small minority. Upon that she was a transgender too. Being a minority and a transgender was a double whammy for pitiable Xerxes. She was a constant victim of societal abuse and joke for all her childhood until she gained power. And upon that her beloved messenger was mercilessly slaughtered by Leonidas. What choice did poor Xerxes have but to attack Sparta?”

“And please don’t give me the bull crap about bravado of 300 Spartans. It was again their bloated ego which led them to imagine that they would be able to beat thousands of enemy soldiers on their own. They apparently thought of their enemy as a weak army of underprivileged lower-class slaves who would be easily trounced by their mighty swords. Guess what, they were absolutely wrong,” Ms. Jangid concluded.

While Ms. Jangid’s book is causing heated debates among die-hard fans of Hollywood movie Frank Miller’s 300, it is also being lauded by liberal intelligentsia of the country as an excellent piece of literature and a true portrayal of an ages old class-conflict.

In wake of revelations in this book, a local NGO which reportedly fights for human rights of the under-privileged has planned two high-profile demonstration events in the coming week. One would be a candle light march in front of American embassy asking Hollywood writer-producer Frank Miller to re-write his graphic-comic books in accordance with these new findings and showcase Xerxes in a more sensitive light. Second demonstration will be conducted in front of Greek Embassy demanding 10% reservation for Persians in all government posts in Greece, as a justice against atrocities committed on them thousands of years back.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Robert Vadra blasts BJP govt in Haryana on Facebook for once again transferring Khemka

New Delhi. Keeping up with his new found armchair activism, Robert Vadra today blasted Haryana govt for once again transferring Ashok Khemka.

Lashing out at BJP Haryana, Vadra posted on his FB wall, “Really shocks and disgusts me to read and watch transfer of an honest IAS officer like Ashok Khemka once again, especially one who has dedicated his life to whistle-blowing and exposing irregularities and corrupt practices.”

Vadra returned from a foriegn trip feeling ashamed.

“When abroad, it is shame to answer as an Indian, on the happenings in Haryana,” further read his wall post.

When one of his FB friends commented on the post with link of Vadra’s land deals exposed by Khemka, Vadra commented “Are you serious” 4 times before reporting and blocking him.

Congress Party too echoed Vadra’s sentiments and hailed him for speaking his mind.

“In this moment, when it is in fact Mr Modi who should have expressed such thoughts, we have Robert Vadra ji doing that job instead. He truly is the unofficial PM of this country whose heart pains everytime something unsavory happens in the nation,” said Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha while asking his fans on Twitter to trend #VadraRealPM.

When pointed the number of times Khemka was transferred in the Congress regime, Jha first claimed that those during Congress govt in Haryana were only routine transfers and later shifted the conversation to 2002 riots.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Inspired by Salman’s driver, Deepika’s driver takes full responsibility for #MyChoice video

Mumbai: In sensational turn of events, Deepika Padukone’s family driver Chhedi Ram has taken complete responsibility of the #MyChoice video which is making waves among feminists and normal people. Chhedi has also requested critics, males and ultra-mild-feminists to spare Deepika and instead direct their criticism towards him.

He called reporters for an urgent press conference yesterday evening and apologized to everyone who was hurt because of the video. He even proposed to surrender to Mahila Ayog for any punishment to be meted to him for his acts.

This pose is brought to you by Deepika’s driver.

Talking to media he said, “My wife had actually beaten up my mother for no reason a few days back, and I was feeling very bad about it. While driving Deepika ma’am to Ranveer Sir’s house, I told her that my wife has done something very very wrong and I am quite pained by it. She didn’t let me complete my story and said whatever my wife has done it’s “her choice” and she is absolutely right in making that choice. I felt lighter after that. And I think this incident served as an inspiration for Deepika ma’am’s #MyChoice video.”

“Hence I am not ashamed to say this that I take full responsibility for this video. I know thousands are shocked by the black & white frames and unnecessary gushes of wind throughout the video, but I urge everyone to forgive me for being an inspiration for this atrocious footage. A lot of our NRI brothers and sisters are especially hurt because of Deepika’s bad diction in the video, but I apologize for that as well,” Chhedi said with moist eyes.

When asked if he is doing this because Salman’s driver has done a similar thing, Chhedi rejected such claims, “I am taking this responsibility because it’s my choice, what Sallu bhai’s driver did is his choice. Please don’t mix the choices like this. One similarity though is that Sallu bhai always says “Do whatever you want to do man” … same thing is what Deepika ma’am said, though in a different way. Not sure why everyone is after her life. Anyhow if you still wish to criticize her it’s your choice.”