Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Monday, March 10, 2014

Frustrated salesman beats up man who refused to buy a shirt even after 15 trials

New Delhi. In a shocking incident, Manohar Thakur, a salesman of an apparel showroom in Connaught Place has beaten up a customer who refused to buy shirt ever after trying 15 different shirts.

Victim of Manohar’s emotional outburst was Sundar Sharma, a Pitampura resident, who reached the showroom searching for a “perfect shirt”.

Perfect shirts are myth

“I showed him all kind of shirts, in different colors and designs, he tried 15 of them. He hijacked one of the changing room for a couple of hours, and at last, he shamelessly said, kuchh jam nahi raha,” Manohar recalled yesterday’s incident.

Having spent over 2 hours, hoping he’d get some commission, Manohar lost his cool when he realized that the entire time was a “perfect waste”. That’s when he started beating Sundar.

“I know what I did was wrong, but I was provoked,” the salesman claimed, “These guys with KRK body come and hope that they will start looking like SRK or Hrithik just by wearing a shirt. shirt kya kar lega.”

According to the onlookers, even while beating up Sundar, Manohar was constantly trying to pursue him to buy a shirt.

“Le le saale, he was saying while giving him blows,” claimed a person who recorded the full video on his mobile phone and who is confident that the clip will go viral on YouTube very soon.

Another eyewitness, who shockingly tried to stop the fight, claims that the salesman was arguing “If the color is little bright or light or the checks are not that big or the stripe on shirt is not blue, nobody gives a damn you idiot. Pick up a shirt and get lost.” while bashing Sundar.

However, Sundar has his own reasons to justify his two hours in changing room.

“What could I have done? Shirts’ color and design were not suiting me. If I am going to wear such shirt, leave my close pals and my family members, what will strangers on road and inside metro think of me?” wondered Sundar.

A friend of Sundar, who was accompanying him while shopping, revealed that he “okayed” the second shirt that Manohar showed to Sundar. “It could have been avoided, had Sundar taken my advice seriously,” the friend told Faking News, trying his best to control his laughter.

Meanwhile the showroom management has apologized for the salesman behavior. However, they have asked Sundar to pay up “rent” for occupying 10 square feet of premium real estate for over 2 hours.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Draft copy of Arvind Kejriwal’s field study report on Gujarat

After a private study trip to Gujarat, AAP leader Arvind Kejriwal came up with some startling observations. He has documented those observations in a report, which will be released soon. Here is the draft copy of that report, accessed exclusively by Faking News:

Conclusive report exposing hollow claims of Gujarat model of development

Friday, March 7, 2014

Real Gujarat is nowhere close to what I saw on Facebook: Kejriwal

Ahmedabad. Arvind Kejriwal, who reached Gujarat to verify the pictures of Modi ruled state that he saw on Facebook, was hugely disappointed when he found a decent looking Indian metro city instead of New York.

“All of Modi claims are false, there is no development at all in Gujarat. Yesterday, I spent 8 hours of my free time searching for Manhattan in Ahmedabad, where is it? There were only 14-15 storied buildings, not even a single 101 storied building was there. Yahi to scam hai, isi ki to jaanch karni hai,” asserted a disheartened Kejriwal.

Underdeveloped city

The Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) leader and former Chief Minister further claimed that he was shocked to see even weather of Gujarat much different from that of New York.

“It’s freezing cold in New York, so I had brought my muffler with me. But surprisingly, temperature here is 32 degrees. Dhokha hua ji aam aadmi ke saath,” Arvind told Faking News.

One of the AAP members, who is accompanying Kejriwal on Gujarat trip, says that like any other common man, AAP chief is also a firm believer of whatever he sees on internet.

“Of late, he has relied upon Facebook and Twitter to gather corruption proofs against top corporate bigwigs and politicians,” the AAP member revealed.

Reportedly, while roaming around in a remote part of Gujarat, Kejriwal thought to take rest on a footpath of a 4 lane highway and he sat down there in full view of media persons.

But to his surprise, some dirt stuck to his trousers exposing the hollow truth of world class road and infrastructure pasted on Facebook by Modi supporters.

Later, he visited a nearby village and found a household using 60 watt tungsten bulb. “That villager wasn’t rich enough to buy a philips CFL. Such widespread poverty turned out to be the final blow which broke Kejriwal’s patience,” disclosed an AAP insider.

Soon after that, Kejriwal declared Modi’s Gujarat model flawed.

Meanwhile, after hearing Kejriwal’s startling revelation that Gujarat was not as developed as US, Congress VP Rahul Gandhi has cancelled his holiday trip to Ahmedabad.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Friday faking release: Bbuddah Hoga Terra Baap

Impressed by N. D. Tiwari’s offscreen performance, a production house offered him lead role in ‘Bbuddah Hoga Terra Baap’.

AAP vs Police (Pic)

AAP leaders from the eyes of their supporters…

BCCI approaches ND Tiwari to produce a world class fast bowler for India

Mumbai. Facing criticism from all quarters over poor performance of Indian cricket team for quite some time now, latest being its ouster from the Asia Cup, BCCI has approached veteran Congress leader ND Tiwari to produce a high quality fast bowler for the nation.

BCCI has requested him to put his talent and resources to some national use thereby rescuing them from embarrassing defeats the country faces every now and then.

He can swing it both ways to achieve the feat no father in India has managed so far.

The board has offered ND Tiwari and his family members (including those already known and yet to be discovered) a substantial share in any revenue it generates due to the fast bowler.

BCCI regrets the time they wasted by looking for assistance from outside the country, trying to hire foreign bowling coaches, opening pace academies, spending a fortune on training and fitness of the current lot of bowlers, etc.

“We are sure with his frequency of producing young men, we will fulfill our dream of getting a world class fast bowler for India sooner than later,” a BCCI official said flashing a ‘V’ sign.

“We want to take the natural route, and we are sure that he can find a better candidate than us,” said the official when asked why could BCCI not hire Tiwari as a sperm donor if the board was so confident of his abilities.

“He has the balls to produce a bowler who throws ball at 150 kph,” he quickly added. Logistics are being worked out to see if Shoaib Akhtar and ND Tiwari can meet and take it forward from there.

As the news spread like wildfire, Tiwari started receiving many such requests.

While Australia approached him to produce a world class spinner like Shane Warne after the leggie himself failed to do the same for his country despite his various attempts, Pakistan has settled for a cricketer who can speak English fluently.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Election Commission requests people not to forget whom they voted for by time polls are over

New Delhi. Soon after announcing 9 phase Lok Sabha elections schedule, Election Commission of India has requested people not to forget whom they voted for by the time of election results.

“We know that the duration is quite long. I mean long enough for people who will be voting in first phase to forget about their choice of candidate by time of results. That’s why we are advising people to note it down somewhere so that they don’t get confused on result day,” explained Chief Election Commissioner V S Sampath.

Write name of the party you voted for behind voter-id card.

“We don’t want them cribbing on the results day that they voted for party X, but party Y won, and thus alleging rigging of the EVMs,” added Mr. Sampath.

Experts are afraid that if appropriate measures are not taken by people, country may witness one the most confused election results day in the history of democracy.

Election Commission has even promised for an emergency helpline number on the results day. “On 16th May, people who would be completely clueless about their candidate selection can call and ask name of party whom they voted for,” said an EC official, “Yes, it violates the secret ballot process, but we don’t want problems thereafter.”

However, many people with weak memories are seeing this prolonged election process as a blessing in disguise. “I will celebrate for the winning party, assuming that I had voted for them,” quipped 70-year-old Madan Khurana, a Delhiite, who will be voting in the first phase.

But surprisingly, most of the political parties are not worried at all.

“The most important thing is to vote. So what if they forget whom they voted for. Even we forget lofty promises that we make during campaigns. There is nothing wrong in this,” said RJD chief Lalu Yadav, motivating people with weak memories, “Do your work without worrying for fruits. Neki kar dariya mein daal.”

Meanwhile, our Congress sources have confirmed that Rahul Gandhi, who will be voting in first phase is planning to write his choice on a piece of paper and hide it in a secret vault, to tear the paper later and call it a “complete nonsense”.