Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

7 things that last longer than 2014 Elections

1. ND Tiwari: Veteran congress ~~philanderer~~ leader ND Tiwari even at an age of 89 can last for much longer than the average duration for which a man can. He can give a run for their money to anyone from the younger lot and can even last longer that election period. Salman Khurshid can vouch for that and his high potency levels.

2. Aamir Khan’s deliberation process: The time Aamir Khan takes to deliberate upon anything in his day to day life is nowhere close to any duration that ECI can come up with. Aamir once went without sleep for 60 days after he failed to decide which night suit should he wear. Aamir has requested ECI to extend its duration further by a year or two so that he has sufficient time on his hand to make up his mind for which party should he vote for.

How long will the battle last?

3. Ads: Ads between films, award shows etc on Indian entertainment channels last for so long at times that one can travel abroad on a long holiday and still come back in time before they end.

4. Ashutosh Gowarikar’s films: Ashutosh Gowarikar has earned the reputation of making films that last longer than Shahid Kapoor film’s stay at box office. Viewers are often advised to come with heir suitcases and stuff to watch a movie made by the marathon director.

5. Indian team without a victory on an overseas tour: Indian cricket team can challenge ECI when it comes to remaining winless on any overseas tour. They have time and again lasted longer without any win on a tour abroad.

6. Arnab Goswami’s statement: The verbal superhero has within the realms of his superpowers to come with a sentence which can last much longer than the election schedule. He may unleash it any moment now to take on ECI’s challenge.

7. AAP’s government: Even a government formed by AAP has the ability to last longer than 39 day long period of elections. There govt in Delhi lasted for 49 days. If voted to power again they have promised to go a step further and are targeting to last around 60 days.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

How Indian politicians took their selfies

When it comes to catching up a new trend, our politicians never lag behind. Faking News brings to you exclusive selfies clicked by top leaders of our country.

Kejriwal claiming to click a selfie from Nokia 1100. He is opposed to androids which he feels are too VIP. He chose to ignore when told Nokia 1100 doesn’t have a camera.

Like the huge development in Gujarat his phone too is huge. It is the latest iPhone in the market.

Taking a selfie without his bhainswa for a change.

Giving a potent macho expression while clicking his selfie.

Besides a huge phone she has kept a personal selfie clicker.

Didi making sure Anna is in frame.

Wondering which phone should he use to click his selfie.

Selfies allowed in place of passport size photographs in exam application forms

New Delhi. With the rise of selfie culture across world, bodies that conduct engineering, management, and other exams in India have jointly agreed to allow selfies in place of passport size photos.

“Today almost everybody is having mobile with high megapixel camera and all of them are expert in clicking selfies. So we thought, why not remove the compulsion of having typical studio clicked passport size photo for exam form filling,” said CBSE chairman Vineet Joshi announcing a major education reform.

A dog taking his selfie

“Besides motivating students to be more creative, it will also make the otherwise gloomy and boring form filling process a fun,” he added.

However, there are some restrictions on kinds of selfies allowed. For example, group and nude selfies will not be allowed, but selfie with pet cats or dogs will be allowed as invigilators are normally intelligent enough to differentiate between an animal and a student.

The Government of India has praised the initiative and called it a “big ticket reform”.

“Well, if not big ticket, it’s surely an exam hall ticket reform,” Finance Minister P Chidambaram said.

The government has further credited the youthful thinking of Rahul Gandhi behind this decision.

“A person looks more confident in his selfie than a passport size photograph. It will definitely boost the confidence level of Indian youth by empowering them,” Rahul Gandhi said in a formal press release, which also thanked Rajiv Gandhi for brining mobiles to India.

“Har haath mobile, har haath selfie,” Rahul Gandhi later told Faking News.

While BJP termed the whole decision a “scam” and opposed selfies for being part of foreign culture, the decision has ushered a wave of excitement in the student community in India.

“I have already allocated a week to get a perfect selfie for my engineering exam,” said class eleven student Priyanka who has decided to take IIT-JEE only after introduction of this selfie clause.

Meanwhile, Photographer association of India has announced a protest against the decision.

“This is a barbaric rule. If it’s not removed, it will push us a step closer toward extinction as money earned from clicking a passport size photos for exams forms a considerable part of our total earning,” said Deepak Kumar, owner of Dilbag Photo Studio.

Girl approves Facebook friend request after boy shares chocolate picture

Mumbai. Messages, pokes, birthday wishes, pictures – 17 years old Ganpat tried everything to impress Priyanka and make her accept his friend request on Facebook, but nothing worked.

However, Ganpat was pleasantly surprised this morning when he received a notification that informed him that Priyanka was now his friend.

Ganpat had tagged Priyanka in a photo of new Cadbury’s Perk last night, and Facebook experts claim that it was the photo of the chocolate that worked.

The extra chocolate worked

“He would tag me with random quotes, message me about how much my friendship would mean to him if I accept his request,” Priyanka recalled, “But that was so boring!”

“I used to ignore him, but didn’t block him as I didn’t want my follower count to go down,” said the girl who has only 8 followers on Twitter but 1890 on Facebook.

This morning, Priyanka, who by now was used to getting tagged in random pics and status by Ganpat logged into his account expecting some 50 notifications out of which she expected at least 25 from him, with rest being likes and comments on her latest selfies, or questions from random girls about how much weight she has put on or lost between the latest selfie and the earlier one.

But to her surprise, there was only one notification from him which touched a chord in her heart.

“There was more than I expected. One extra wafer and more chocolate,” she said, “It carried more weight than all his previous pictures messages and posts combined.”

“I know he might be checking my pictures right now as I accepted his friend request, but that’s all right,” she said, “The extra pyaar in this chocolate has earned him this right.”

While Ganpat is overwhelmed with this development, 129 other boys whose Facebook requests have still not been accepted by Priyanka are cursing why they couldn’t think of this earlier.

Monday, March 3, 2014

To save money on wedding photographer, man befriends obnoxious colleague with DSLR

Gurgaon. An engineer called Tadapit Kumar working for an IT major was faced with a terrible dilemma when his parents fixed his marriage and told him that he would have to pay for it, as he had started earning money.

Tadpit soon realized that all his savings would be gone in paying the bills of the caterer, the tent-waala, the card printer, the tailor, et al. He had just 1000 rupees left for wedding photography.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

“Those thousand rupees was to pay the cousins of my bride who would steal my shoes,” Tadpit told Faking News why he had no money left for paying a photographer.

“Wedding photography costs a bomb!” he claimed, “I asked around, and most people wanted my month’s salary just to take photos! How dumb is that?”

“So I have decided to befriend this really obnoxious person called Anupam in my office, who always makes a great show about owning a DSLR camera,” Tadapit added.

“I only came to know because he keeps posting pictures on Facebook of his slippers or underwear hung out to dry or a cockroach caught in a spider’s web, to show off his photography skills.”

“He is an obnoxious person but everybody in my office has befriended him because of his DSLR and the amount of money it saves them on photographers for their various family functions,” Tadapit revealed.

Meanwhile Anupam, the obnoxious DSLR guy, has confirmed that he would be clicking pictures for Tadpit. “My portfolio is almost complete. Will use these final pictures and launch my website and photography Facebook page,” he explained.

IPL auctions to happen again to reject Pak players, avenging Asia Cup defeat

Mumbai. Soon after India’s defeat against Pakistan in a crucial match of the ongoing Asia cup, BCCI President N Srinivasan has announced to re-auction players for IPL team selection.

It is being said that BCCI has taken this decision just in order to reject Pakistani players, once again, thus taking “revenge” for the Asia Cup defeat.

“They did what they wanted to do, now it’s our turn to show them who the big daddy is,” boasted a senior official of BCCI.

Earlier Pakistani players were not allowed during IPL auctions

Sources tell Faking News that Srinivasan decided to re-auction after sensing wave, much stronger than Modi wave, of irritation against Pakistan among the cricket fans of India.

A group of ardent cricket fans had initially approached the Government of India to take some serious action against Pakistan, but the government refused to act. Instead, they asked Kohli to have bilateral talks with Afridi.

“What B#^C*$!” a Kohli fan is reported to have reacted over government’s suggestion.

Frustrated and further irritated with government’s response, the fans met N Srinivasan and requested him to do at least one thing that was in favor of real “cricket enthusiasts” i.e. the cricket fans of India.

Not so surprisingly, the BCCI chief agreed to soothe the feelings of fans, and declared that IPL auctions will be held again, this time allowing Pakistani players to participate. And every team will be unofficially told to not bid for any Pakistani players.

Experts say that Srinivasan’s vigilantism is going to revive his personal image and is expected to cover-up IPL related controversies.

However, BCCI and Srinivasan are calling it an act of patriotism.

“We want to pass a strong message to Pakistan that we are BCCI, not government of India,” said Srinivasan, who further promised that IPL-7 will take place on time despite general elections and re-auctions.

The re-auctions have been scheduled to take place in the same stadium of Bangladesh where Pakistan defeated India on Sunday. Bangladesh has agreed to rent out the stadium for 3 quintals of India Cements.

“Better to fix auctions than fix matches,” a Pakistani player told Faking News and conceded that he won’t mind taking part in the auctions if he was paid decently to go unsold.

“We have bigger hearts,” the player further added, “If that’s what pleases Indians, let it be.”

Sunday, March 2, 2014

BCCI gives up on Rohit Sharma, asks ASI to find his talent

Mumbai. After long agonizing wait for 7 years, BCCI has finally given up on Rohit Sharma, and have instead handed him over to the ASI (Archaeological Survey of India) to find his talent and see if it can be of any use to them.

“Yes we are done with the talent hunt. It’s beyond us now. ASI would be a better and more suited agency to trace, excavate, and retrieve his talent now. We simply don’t have the resources, tools, and patience to explore and go further,” a BCCI member conceded.

Rohit Sharma showing where his talents are right now

It should be recalled that Rohit made his debut way back in 2007 and since then BCCI has had to sacrifice lot of time, money, energy, matches, other player’s careers, own reputation, selector’s and captain’s credibility, viewers patience, etc. to find the hidden talent Rohit has come to be associated with.

Though initially reluctant and wary of the difficulty levels involved, ASI officials have now taken it upon themselves as a fresh challenge to their professional career.

“We were getting bored with our daily routine. It was getting all too easy to dig 20 kms below the earth surface and find things out. We needed something to test our own limits. Government asked us to find gold in Unnao, but this pure gold!” a top ASI official told Faking News.

On the other hand, BCCI, now free from hunting talent, has now concentrated its energies in searching for that sadhu who dreamt that Rohit Sharma was a talent mine and must be persisted with repeatedly, come what may. BCCI has not yet disclosed the course of action it will take following that.

“I think that sadhu was Sachin, when he said that Rohit could break his records,” a BCCI official said on conditions of anonymity.

When the news reached Rohit Sharma, he became emotional and requested BCCI to give him one last chance by renaming India as Mumbai Indians.