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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

7 steps Dentsu will take to improve Rahul Gandhi’s image

Congress has hired Japanese Advertising and Public Relations firm Dentsu to boost image of Rahul Gandhi ahead of the general elections this year. Faking News has found out some steps that the ad agency is planning to take to produce this miracle:

1. The PR firm is trying to get second season of “Satyameva Jayate” on with Rahul Gandhi in place of Aamir Khan. Rahul Gandhi is being trained to feel sad and cry; Aamir Khan and Sonia Gandhi are reported to be the chief trainers. Agency feels that this will showcase the “soft” aspect of Rahul’s personality and could impress the viewers, because the “hard” aspects of the personality – like tearing away ordinance and shouting angrily in rallies – have failed to impress the common man. Earlier, the concept of a new TV shows titled “Ganna with Gandhi” on lines of “Koffee with Karan” was rejected by the agency.

An improved image?

2. After Rahul’s “ISI recruiting riot victims” statement appeared like being not too far from the reality, Denstsu has decided to prove his other seemingly absurd statements true. For example:

(i) India is a beehive: For this, the agency has decided to plant beehives in every nook and corner of country with the help of Ahmed Patel who is quite experienced when it comes to ‘planting’ stuff. Bees are being imported from across the world to make sure the numbers don’t fall short.

(ii) Poverty is a state of mind: Here Robert Vadra’s example is being quoted to prove the statement indeed had some weight. The fact that Robert Vadra, despite being a small farmer, manages to remain so happy and wealthy looking, is being highlighted.

3. Aam Aadmi support: Modi is not the only threat Dentsu has assessed. Arvind Kejriwal, though now a bit soft on Congress after forming government in Delhi, has also been identified as a threat. Apart from highlighting the 11 things that Rahul Gandhi did before AAP repeated them, the agency has asked Rahul Gandhi to continue what he has been doing i.e. opposing the policies of UPA government in personal capacity.

4. De-Digvijayfication: Sources tell Faking News that Denstu has specifically asked Congress high command to stop Digvijay Singh from praising Rahul Gandhi. They have instead asked Digvijay Singh to start praising Narendra Modi. Sources claim that recent statements of Digvijay Singh praising Arvind Kejriwal is beta version of the same strategy.

5. Follow Modi’s Gujarat promotional model: Like Modi, who mentions Gujarat’s progress in his rallies, Rahul has been asked to quote examples of his achievements in Amethi. For this, extensive R&D is being done to come up with at least 1-2 such instances. Rahul’s idea of Amethi being above the national average when it comes to dreaming has been rejected.

6. Alok Nath’s endorsement and aashirwaad: Talks are also on to make Alok Nath endorse the Gandhi scion and bless him. They are also requesting him to proclaim Rahul as the most sanskaari boy, to whom Babuji would love to marry off his daughters.

7. Social media: the agency has decided to make Rahul Gandhi follow every damn guy and girl on Twitter and reply with “Epic!” to any of their tweets. This will make Rahul Gandhi a valuable asset (a follower who is always praising you) for the youth and they will feel obliged to do the same to Rahul. Similarly, Rahul will add everyone on Facebook and “like” their status updates even if it is as banal as “brushed my teeth with shampoo today. lol!”

Monday, January 6, 2014

Middle class parents in shock as Varun Dhawan earns crores without knowing President’s name

Mumbai. Student of the year, Varun Dhawan’s blooper at Koffee with Karan, where he said that Manmohan Singh was the President of India, has sent a shock wave (bigger than Modi wave or AAP wave) across the middle class of India.

Varun Dhawan lost in his own little world.

What has hurt the most is the surprising fact that despite being unaware of a basic general knowledge question, Varun was doing quite well, money and career wise.

“My 12 year old son, Chintu knows the names of CMs of all Indian states. All I dream is that he continues with the same pace and clear IIT after passing 12th. But even after that he will get a job like 10 lakh per annum, but that guy Varun is getting crore for each of his project even without knowing President’s name. Hey bhagwan!” argued Alok Sharma, a bank employee, justifying his angst against Varun.

Parents are afraid that Varun’s blatant display of dumbness will have a negative impact on their children, who treat Bollywood stars as their idols.

While parents are worried, students are excited. “I was enthralled to see Varun’s and Alia’s response to the question. Remembering name of PM and President has nothing to do with doing good in life,” said Bittu, a class 9th student of Delhi public school.

“It’s a political conspiracy, they want us to remember their names. That’s why such questions are asked in exams,” Bittu added further, flaunting his conspiracy theory knowledge which he acquired from YouTube.

However, Varun has his own explanation of the matter. “If you remember the school in Student Of the Year, that was high class and there we were not expected to know answer of middle class questions like, ‘Who is President of India’,” said Varun Dhawan. “There, we were not suppose to overload our starry brain with useless stuffs.”

Varun reinforced his logic by giving example of Alia Bhatt, who is a pass out of the same school. She reportedly said name of Prithviraj “Chauhan” as name of India’s President.

When Faking News asked why Siddharth Malhotra could come up with the correct answer on the show despite being from the same school, Varun quipped, “In SOTY, Sid was from a middle-class family, and on a scholarship.”

Not impressed with these answers, Indian Parents Association (IPA) has requested the government to conduct a GK test of all the star kids to check if they are suffering from some kind of ‘Knowledge Malnutrition’.

Meanwhile, sources close to PMO say that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was very happy with Varun Dhawan. “No one acknowledges Manmohan Singh’s role in Indian government. People think he doesn’t exist. But Varun treated him with so much kindness. One of the best things to have happened to him before retirement,” a PMO source revealed.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Which actor looks like Narendra Modi the most?

Recently Vivek Oberoi was approached by US based filmmaker to play the role of young Narendra Modi. While he is yet to give his nod for the role, Faking News finds out which actor resembles present Narendra Modi the most.

Can Mr perfectionist pull this one off like the heists of Dhoom 3?

Irfan has been asked to work on his verbal skills.

Irfan may look like Modi, but can he also talk like him?

Fans hope Rohit Shetty bags this role so that he doesn’t have time to direct any movies.

If not the looks, Bhai’s huge fan following certainly matches Modi’s.

And If Sallu is there how can SRK be behind. He will have to drop the stammer though.

Rumours say he has already bagged it but people feel he was more suited for Rahul Gandhi.

Being a Gujarati Paresh’s chances are bright.

So that producers are not branded sexist, they auditioned even Nargis Fakhri. Her huge lips may seal it for her.

Friday faking release: Dasvidaniya

After 10 years of being Prime Minister, Dr. Manmohan Singh has said goodbye to his post.

A favorable historical chapter on PM Manmohan Singh

Manmohan Singh today ruled out a third term for himself and hoped that historians will be kind to him when they write about his tenure as the Prime Minister of India. Faking News in-house historian Rum Guha has wrote this first draft of a favorable chapter to be included in future textbooks:

Dr. Manmohan Singh was a renowned economist to have ruled India for 10 years between 2004 and 2014. The 10 years of Manmohan Rule is also known as the Golden Era of Indian economics and politics, for silence is golden.

While the media of his time always suspected that he was not the real ruler, various biochemical tests on files in the PMO (Prime Minister’s Office) later proved that Dr. Singh was the real ruler.

Tests had revealed that 51% of finger marks on files were those belonging to Dr. Singh, while a paltry 49% of those were of Congress president Sonia Gandhi. Further, the all the finger marks of Dr. Singh were on the cover of the files, while Sonia’s finger marks were on inside pages, proving that Dr. Singh was in control.

Manmohan Singh gave a thumbs up to the first draft and hoped that other historians will do a much better job

The biggest achievement of Dr. Manmohan Singh was when he became the Prime Minister. Everyone thought that Sonia Gandhi was going to become the Prime Minister but using his magic wand, which he could use only once as per the terms of use, Dr. Singh became the Prime Minister.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t use this magic wand for the rest of his tenure, else there would have been no scams, no economic slowdown, no terror attacks, and no general messed up scenario in the country.

However, even without the magic wand, Dr. Singh could achieve many things in his tenure, some of which were purely magical and unheard of – like apologizing for the Sikh massacre of 1984. The massacre took place when Rajiv Gandhi was the Prime Minister, but Rajiv Gandhi never apologized for it. Manmohan Singh apologized and every Sikh of India got justice.

Dr. Singh’s ability of generating such magical effects with just one move was witnessed again at the end of his first tenure as Prime Minister, when he signed the Indo-US Nuclear Deal. Manmohan Singh always maintained that it was his biggest achievement that made India a superpower and brought India and US closer.

Some historians dispute this by claiming that India and US never came closer because US insulted an Indian diplomat during the second tenure of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. But they fail to see the fact that the insult took place during UPA-II while friendship happened during UPA-I. Manmohan Singh is known to make a clear distinction between the two tenures in such cases.

Manmohan Singh’s first tenure, also known as UPA-I, saw India bravely condemn a series of terror attacks, which included the Mumbai attacks by Pakistan based terror groups. India didn’t play cricket with Pakistan for several years, which later helped India win the World Cup during the UPA-II.

UPA-I also saw many scams, but only the UPA-I saw those during the UPA-I. The common man and the media saw those during the UPA-II (Manmohan Singh’s second tenure), and Manmohan Singh was unfairly blamed for letting the scams happen.

Dr. Singh tried his best to stop the scams, but a captain is as good as his players. As someone who is also a cricket historian, I want to remind readers that former Indian captain MS Dhoni also tried his best to stop one Ishant Sharma from giving away runs in a historical match. We don’t blame Dhoni for Ishant’s over, so let’s not blame Dr. Singh.

Manmohan Singh was also the first visionary to find hidden talents in Rahul Gandhi, who later ruled India with help of many honest leaders representing the common man. Once Rahul Gandhi was the Prime Minister, many other historians found the same talents in him, including writer of this article.

Among other things, Dr. Singh always wore a blue turban. This fascination with blue color is matched only by Facebook, and thus Dr. Singh is often credited to be the politician who connected with the youth in the best way. There were evil forces that tried to mislead the youth, but Dr. Singh’s leadership always showed them the right path.

If India is way ahead of South Sudan today, we have to credit Dr. Manmohan Singh’s vision for it.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

If everyone starts following their passion, no engineers in next 10 years: Report

New Delhi. A report published by a leading magazine ‘HR Baba’ fears extinction of engineer community from India, in case everyone starts following their passion.

The magazine conducted a survey among 10000 engineering professionals where the respondents were asked about their passion. The outcome of the survey divulged a disastrous trend; as much as 98% of the engineers wanted to become anything but engineers.

While most of them expressed desire of being a photographer, writer, actor, singer, wanderer, etc., some of extremely frustrated ones even wanted to become baba and porn stars.

Experts blame movies like ‘3 Idiots’ where an engineering student following his true passion was shown as winning a girlfriend.

“If left free to follow their passion, they will flood the so-called creative field. If not SRK, they will become KRK. If not Atul Kasbekar, they will become a local marriage photographer; but they will not remain in engineering field,” said editor of HR Baba, “Such is the level of angst among engineers against their job.”

Report warns India to gear up for an engineer-less society in next 10 years, if every engineer starts listening to his/her heart. Countless number of Facebook photography pages is one of the possible side effects on social media.

“Too much motivation is not that good, especially for the society. If everyone becomes a photographer and traveler, who will write code and build roads? What’s the use of lakhs of professional photographers? They will keep clicking each other’s photo as everybody will be carrying their own DSLR,” said famous sociologist Samaaj Prasad, explaining the negative impact of the hypothetical situation where everyone is following their own heart.

“Sometime it’s good to not follow your passion, it helps in preventing social crisis. People who feels they are not following their passion, should be proud of themselves,” he added.

However, some are willing to allow the engineers to follow their heart. “Once they will take up the profession they want so badly, they will get bored of it. Finally, they will feel attraction for engineering and will pursue it as a passion,” predicted an expert.

Meanwhile the startling revelation has sent shock waves across the IT industry, Dowry industry, and ‘Parents boasting of their child’s salary’ industry.

Traveling up to 3 Metro stations made free by AAP government

New Delhi. Continuing with their pro-aam aadmi policies that are going to erase corruption from the National Capital Region, AAP government today announced that a person won’t need to pay anything if he’s traveling short distance by Delhi Metro.

“This is in line with free water or cheaper electricity bill up to a certain limit,” Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal explained, “Now you don’t need to pay anything if you are not traveling beyond 3 stations.”

The symbol of development of Delhi will follow the policies of the government of the day

When asked if this won’t hurt the revenues of DMRC, Chief Minister said that DMRC has enough money and this much of burden can be easily absorbed by the corporation.

“They even have made video clips of couples getting intimate in Delhi Metro coaches. They must have made money selling those clips on various websites. We will get their books audited as we suspect they are making more money than reported,” the youngest Chief Minister of Delhi claimed.

Sources tell Faking News that Delhi government is thinking of approaching CAG to get the account books of DMRC audited.

“Many people had earlier claimed that their Metro smartcards were being charged more than the distance covered. We feel there are many irregularities,” revealed a government source why it was so important to make short distance metro travel free.

The announcement has been welcomed by many experts and journalists, who feel that this will encourage people to travel shorter distance and hence rush in Metro, another major problem faced by Delhi residents, will be eased.

When this reporter wondered if this won’t encourage behavior where people get down after 3 Metro stations and start a new journey for the next 3 stations, AAP strategists and supporters rejected such thoughts as “evil” and “cynical”. Some even called it “paid”.

Meanwhile the aam aadmi of Delhi has welcomed yet another relief and is hoping that traveling by DTC buses would also be made free.

“Also, if they can make the first two traffic offences penalty free, traveling on roads will be so aam aadmi friendly,” said Amit, a Delhi resident who jumped a red light but was caught by a traffic policeman. Both Amit and the policeman were confused how to settle the matter in an “honest” way.

“A revolution is taking place in my lifetime and I’m so lucky to be a witness and a part to it. India will soon be a corruption free nation,” said Amit, after he was let off by the policeman after paying just 10 rupees as bribe.