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Saturday, November 9, 2013

Gauhati High Court presents the CBI movie

CBI director Ranjit Sinha earlier starred in remake of Zanjeer , when Supreme Court called the CBI a caged parrot. Now he is all set to star in another Amitabh Bachchan movie, thanks to a verdict by Gauhati Hight Court.

Suddenly, after 50 years, CBI has been declared unconstitutional.

Local idiot wears sunglasses after evening, wins girlfriend

Kanpur. While the mystery of Bollywood celebrities wearing sunglasses even after sunset was still unsolved, another incident has shocked the entire humanity.

Banti, a local idiot with no interest in education or employment, won the heart of Babli, widely accepted as the most beautiful girl of city’s Gulaabi Colony.

This poster was found from Banti’s bedroom

And this could happen just because Babli couldn’t resist the coolness quotient of Banti, who has been wearing shades at night.

“This is totally shocking!” Manish, the neighbor of 21-year-old Banti told Faking News, “Forget girlfriend, he couldn’t even befriend the local dog Moti all these years. He was such a disgusting cheapo!”

Banti too confirmed that he had been a loser all these years, but his latest transformation into a hot dude with cool shades was due to the duplicate Ray-Ban aviator that he bought last month from a road side vendor for Rs.100.

“As soon as I tried the goggles, that chashmawala told me I was looking like a hero,” Banti recalled, “I knew it will give me an edge over other guys in the colony who had been trying to impress Babli.”

Already brimming with handsomeness and hotness, Banti clinched the deal when he wore the shades at 9 PM last night and went for a “round” near Babli’s house. Babli was on the terrace of her house at that time due to power cut in the area.

“Although it was dark due to the regular load shedding, his face was shining like a diamond,” the local lass recounted how she fell for the hunk, “Along with a yellow shirt and green bell bottom jeans, he was looking class apart. And the moment he smiled at me, showing his front tooth that matched in color with his cool shades, I knew it was him.”

So much was the impact, that sources claim that Babli blurted out a loud “love you Banti” to express her sentiments, shocking everyone around. Her parents took her to the nearest neurosurgeon this morning and the primary diagnostic results are reported to be normal.

The incident has shocked the local guys, local girls, fashion designers, and evolutionary biologists alike.

Rahul Gandhi participates in Kaun Banega Crorepati to attract huge crowds

New Delhi. After Congress decided not to send any representatives to TV news channels discussing opinion polls, the party has made up for this loss of air time by sending Rahul Gandhi to the sets of TV game show Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC).

“More people watch entertainment channels than news channels, and this will be a better way to reach out to more people and influence voters,” Congress spokesperson and I&B Minister Manish Tewari explained the logic.

Congress is confident that with this step, Rahul Gandhi would get to speak in front of audiences that will be bigger than those attracted by Narendra Modi.

“This will also help in keeping communal forces at bay,” Tewari added.

Sources tell Faking News that the episode has already been shot and will be aired next week. The amount won by Rahul Gandhi will be used to eradicate poverty, empower minorities, and buy food for Indians who have been hungry for thousands of years.

Here are the highlights of the show that you can watch on TV next week:

Amitabh Bachchan introduces Rahul Gandhi as the “angry young man” that he himself used to be till he acted in Mrityudaata. Rahul Gandhi smiles and says, “I am young, but no more angry. main ab logo mein ghussa kam karna chaahta hoon (I want to reduce anger among people now).”

Rahul further discloses that he loves Amitabh Bachchan movies, especially Mard, which helped him get deep insights into India’s freedom movement. After this Amitabh Bachchan abruptly asks him the first question:

“Who was the first Indian to travel into space? – A) Mukesh Khanna. B) Rakesh Sharma. C) Hrithik Roshan. D) Dara Singh.”

Rahul Gandhi looks confused and takes the “Phone a Friend” lifeline. He asks for Digvijay Singh. Phone is connected to Digvijay Singh, and he is reported to have said:

“RSS would like people to believe that Dara Singh as Hanumaan or Mukesh Khanna as Shaktimaan was the first person to into space, but this is all a conspiracy to keep India backward. We have to defeat these communal forces by coming up with the right answer. Rahul ji, please let everyone know, including this brand ambassador of Gujarat Amitabh Bachchan who has forgotten the favors Rajiv Gandhi ji did to him, that it was only due to Nehru ji’s vision that India has a space mission. This Narendra Modi was selling tea in those days and didn’t do anything to contribute towards space mission. Indira Gandhi ji was the Prime Minister when the first Indian could go in space. Congress helped India…”

30 seconds were over and Digvijay Singh couldn’t give the right answer to Rahul Gandhi.

“Ab aap kya karenge?” Amitabh Bachchan asks a confused Rahul Gandhi, who decides to go for audience poll. 73% of the audience voted for option B.

“Will you go with this audience?” Big B asked.

“Well, these days we don’t believe opinion polls, so I will take another lifeline,” Rahul Gandhi said and opted for 50-50. Computer removed options C and D.

“I think I will go with B, because Digvijay Uncle had said that Mukesh Khanna was an RSS agent,” Rahul Gandhi used his logical and analytical skills to come up with the right answer.

And Rahul Gandhi won the first round. Since it was a special episode, he was immediately handed over a check of 5 lakh rupees.

Rahul Gandhi getting a check from Amitabh Bachchan

Another question saw an audio clip being played to Rahul Gandhi. “Meelon hum aa gaye, meelon humein jaana hai” said the audio clip and the Congress Vice President was asked to identify with which organization this clip was associated.

The options were – A) Indian Railways. B) Indian National Congress. C) Delhi Half Marathon. D) Chinese Army.

Rahul Gandhi knew the answer and claimed that the options A, C, and D were complete nonsense.

On another occasion, he termed a question itself as complete nonsense and used his fourth and last lifeline “Flip the Question” to avoid answering it.

The question was: “What is Prince called in Urdu? – A) Sultan. B) Shehzada. C) Wazeer. D) Shehenshaah.”

Sources confirm that Rahul Gandhi wins 7 crore rupees, thus being the first one on the show to achieve this feat. Congress is supposed to cite this achievement as a valid reason why he deserves to be the next Prime Minister of India.

Reportedly Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is also called up on the show for “Ghar Baithe Lakhpati” question.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Shami is the new star, sorry Ishant

With 9 wickets in the debut test match, Mohammad Shami is the latest Indian star in pace bowling. Fans are already saying he has replaced Ishant Sharma.

“It’s alright, there is always next time.”

But “no hard fillings” to Ishant, Hota hai!

Tell us what should Shami say to Ishant to assuage his feelings. You can take part in the contest here at our Facebook page, and win a few prizes courtesy Cadbury’s 5-Star.

Experts ready to confuse Mohammad Shami with their advices

Kolkata. After Indian fans saw yet another hope of getting a quality fast bowler in Mohammad Shami, experts from the field declared that they too were hopeful of confusing Shami into becoming yet another wasted talent.

Shami, who has only one coach and adviser till reports last came in.

“We will send bouncers to him about how he should aspire for pace first and not get too much bothered about line and length, while some of us will give him tips on changing his run up to come up with better results,” said a cricket expert who claimed to have advised Ishant Sharma about getting a haircut to touch 100 miles per hour speed.

The experts however rejected charges that he had advised Munaf Patel to work on his relationships in order to become fastest bowler on earth.

Not only experts who claim to know everything about fast bowling are ready, even gym instructors and physicians are hopeful that they can help Shami lose his way by giving him random tips.

“Injuries are one thing a fast bowler must be scared of,” a health expert had valuable words of confidence for Shami, “He should avoid shami kebab after taking bath with warm water.”

Sources tell Faking News the same experts have been giving tips to Zaheer Khan and Irfan Pathan.

When asked, BCCI assured that the board will make sure that Shami doesn’t get too confused and is fit for the IPL matches.

Bigg Boss 8 will feature only dogs for better family viewing

Mumbai. The producers of reality show Bigg Boss have decided that the next version will have only dogs as inmates. This decision was taken after the current dog in the house received all round praise for his behavior.

“We had earlier read reports about dogs being more cultured than their owners, but we thought it was faking news, but now we are getting real feedback about the dog being the most cultured being on the show,” a representative of Colors TV confirmed.

Dog named “Heaven” currently feeling nothing like that in the alleged reality show

Since the show had earlier attracted criticisms from civil groups and I&B Ministry for being unfit for family viewing, the producers are now planning to have a new season that will feature only dogs.

“Last month we got a notice, and earlier too we were criticized for showing intimate scenes such as those between Ashmit Patel and Veena Malik. Now we can’t control the behavior of our inmates,” the representative claimed, rejecting the charges that everything was “scripted”.

“But with proper training, we can control behavior of dogs,” the representative added, “I think they will make lesser noise, they will play better games, and they will have better occasional fights too.”

The representative didn’t confirm if they could send a human being among the dogs for the next season.

“Don’t think the dogs would enjoy that, even if we send someone who is a dog lover or someone who is referred to as a dog everywhere on internet,” the Colors TV representative said.

While the channel is claiming that they undertook this step because they wanted to have a show that is fit for family viewing, sources suggest that there are commercial motives.

“Dogs are not too costly to hire and they speak a language that can be understood across India. This will save costs while increase the TRPs. This is purely a business decision,” a source claimed.

It’s not yet sure if Salman Khan will continue to host the show that will have only dogs or the job could be given to someone like Kamaal R Khan, or even Aamir Khan, who once named his dog “Shah Rukh”.

“I will watch as long as Sallu bhai is there,” said a Bigg Boss and Salman Khan fan, “As it is, Bhai is known to treat contestants like dogs so it won’t be much of a problem for him to adjust.”

Friday faking release: Gravity

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