Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Faking News loves Digvijay Singh, do you?

It was never a secret, but now it’s official.

Apparently, Mr. Singh is not too happy to hear about this love from Faking News.

Mr. Digvijay Singh, who is logic and civility personified, has often been at the receiving end of some illogical and discourteous articles of Faking News, but we have decided to make amends.

We want Mr. Singh to know that our articles were nowhere as brilliant and incisive as his comments and knowledge. In fact, we never tried to mock Mr. Singh, we only tried to develop our skills and think like him.

We tried to mimic him, and imitation is the best form of flattery, isn’t it?

If you think we have failed to match Mr. Singh, we blame RSS for this.

The readers of Faking News should know that Mr. Digvijay Singh is a senior politician who keeps politics in India on the right track; else politics of India could become another boring subject like space research or classical Hindustani music.

We hope our readers agree.

Not only Mr. Singh, but there are other people too, whom we love, and we want you to tell us who they are in your opinion.

We want to select 5 people/entities from 5 different fields, to whom we’ll say “no hard feelings” or “No Hard Fillings” with 5-Star chocolates. These fields are:

1. Politics (candidates other than Digvijay Singh, if any)

2. Entertainment

3. News Media

4. Sports

5. Others (people/entities who/that don’t primarily belong to any of the above fields e.g. IRCTC!)

Please suggest your nominees in the comments section and we’ll soon have a poll to get the list of people, who are “most loved” by the Faking News community.

“No Hard Fillings” to anyone!

The poll will be announced soon, unless all kinds of polls are banned!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Another typo, stadium scoreboard shows 100 instead of 10 against Sachin’s name

Kolkata. After misspelling Sachin’s name and adding ‘Mr’ before his wife’s name, Cricket Association of Bengal (CAB) has done it again.

Tendulkar after seeing the number on the scorecard

This time, Eden Gardens’ scoreboard flashed a score of 100 runs against Sachin’s name when he was returning to pavilion after getting out by a dubious LBW decision at the score of 10.

Entire stadium, including the West Indies players and Sachin Tendulkar, were left bewildered after they saw the scorecard.

Some of the WI players, who were already frustrated with the lack of attention they were getting, were seen banging their head against the ground.

Rumor is doing the rounds that it was another deliberate attempt by CAB officials to make Sachin’s penultimate match a memorable one.

But giving a rest to wild speculations, CAB officials cleared the air and apologized for the typo, again. However, this time, they had an explanation for the typo.

“When Sachin was declared out on score of 10, our employees saw the sadness on Sachin’s face and on the faces of other people in the crowd. One of them couldn’t stop himself, and he changed the scoreboard to give people a momentary joy,” said senior CAB official Souvik Sen.

“Had umpire given the right decision, he would have scored a century for sure,” Sen told Faking News.

With this, CAB hopes that their earlier typos will be forgotten and forgiven.

Mangalyaan deviates from path, starts circling over Eden Gardens

Kolkata. Hours after Mangalyaan completed its first stage and started orbiting around the Earth, news is coming in that the Mars Orbiter has deviated from its path and has started circling over Eden Gardens, where Sachin’s farewell test series is in progress.

This unexpected behavior of Mars Orbiter has left ISRO scientists scratching their head, as they are unable to figure out whether it is a machine malfunction or a completely new level of frenziness for Sachin.

“We knew that Mars Orbiter was smart, but we did not realize that it was sentimental too,” the chairman of ISRO Mr. K Radhakrishnan said, “To me, it appears as a side effect of being developed in India.”

“You must consider the fact that Mars Orbiter is on a 300-day journey, and once it will leave Earth’s orbit, it will never able to see Sachin playing again,” Radhakrishnan told Faking News one of the reasons why the spacecraft deviated from its path.

However, ISRO is expecting a correction in Mangalyaan’s behavior after the Kolkata test match is over. Reportedly, they have even contacted Sachin to leave a message for Mangalyaan to continue its journey and not come back again when the Mumbai test match gets underway at Wankhede.

Exclusive picture of the Mars Orbiter revolving around Eden Gardens

Meanwhile the news of Orbiter circling over Eden Gardens has generated a wave of madness across the nation.

Excited Sachin fans are seeing it as a miracle of God i.e. Sachin himself, while the Cricket Association of Bengal, which is already going overboard with their celebratory plans for Sachin farewell, is calling it a part of their “surprise gift” to Sachin.

News channels are going gaga over newly discovered “emotional side” of Mangalyaan.

One of the channels is running a show named, “Sachin ki yaad mein royaa Mangalyaan”. Reportedly, they saw some liquid coming out of Orbiter, which anchors spotted through a telescope that they have planted in their studio and concluded that they were tears.

The international community, including other space organizations like NASA and ESA, has congratulated ISRO for creating world’s first “Sentimental Satellite” and are hailing it as a milestone in the field of “Artificial Intelligence”.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Sachin Tendulkar fan discovers West Indies in Eden Gardens

Kolkata. Hundreds of Sachin Tendulkar fans realized that the West Indies was touring India after they entered the Eden Gardens stadium here to witness the second last test match appearance of Sachin.

“First I thought that they could be Caribbean fans of Sachin, who had come to watch his 199^th test match, but I wondered why they were allowed to roam on the field and even near the pitch,” said Abhijeet Mukherjee, a Sachin fan who had taken his seat at Eden Gardens at 7 AM, in order to not miss a second of Sachin in action.

Sources tell Faking News that BCCI is thinking of selling tickets to net practice and warm up exercises too, where fans can watch their icon in action for the last time.

Abhijeet took up the matter with the stadium authorities protesting this “racism” and demanded that he too be allowed to go on pilgrimage to the ground where Sachin must have walked.

This is when he was informed that those walking on the ground were not Sachin fans but West Indies players, who had come to play the test match.

“That is when I realized that Sachin was playing his 199^th test match against West Indies,” the fan recalled how he discovered the existence of West Indies.

Faking News talked to many other cricket fans who had similar stories to tell. They had come to watch Sachin bat but ended up seeing West Indies batting.

“I too didn’t know West Indies was here,” said Saurabh Singh, “When this guy started batting, he looked a bit like Chris Gayle, but I was not sure as he was wearing white clothes. Doesn’t Gayle wear red ones?”

Later after reading Gayle’s name on the stadium scoreboard, Saurabh, like many others, realized that the West Indies too was part of Sachin’s farewell series.

“Even I didn’t know West Indies was playing. How am I supposed to know? Even this stadium ticket has photo of Tendulkar only,” said Avneet Andulkar, a Sachin fan who has taken a one month leave to watch the 199^th and 200^th test matches of Sachin.

Avneet claims that he has even asked his wife, who is expected to deliver their first baby around 15^th November, to “hold it a bit” so that he can “peacefully” witness the matches.

FMCG companies all set to launch bathing soap that can be eaten

Mumbai. In a disruptive product innovation that is all set to change the way humans evolve, FMCG researchers have announced “edible bathing soap”.

“This is going to be the next big thing! It will blur the boundaries between two totally unrelated product categories – foods and personal care. Who would have imagined it?” said a product manager at HUL.

“It is all about empowering your people by saving their time. Now they can finish lunch/breakfast while taking a bath. They can invest this time saved in personal growth,” the manager explained why the product was badly needed.

The product is expected to be hit internationally as there are already some consumers abroad

“This is a breakthrough innovation that will address two major problems faced by a developing country like India – hunger and personal hygiene,” the manager further enumerated the benefits.

Industry experts are confident that the users, as well as the FMCG companies, will have no problem accepting this new product.

“Synergies already exist,” a management consultant pointed out, “Companies use many edible ingredients like strawberry, peach, milk, honey, etc. in psoaps and shower gels. For edible soaps, they need to create a cross functional team comprising of people from the personal care and foods division and equipped the team with the wherewithal to develop a unique product.”

Companies agree to this view and have declared that they will soon launch the product.

“We are committed to helping a billion people improve their lives through our products and this is a landmark step towards fulfilling our commitment. We are already in talks with Nitin Gadkari and Vinod Dua for endorsing the new product,” a brand manager at ITC told Faking News.

The edible soaps will come in various flavors, textures, and calorie value. Sugar free soaps will be launched for health conscious people.

“We are already doing testing of a new soap called Fiama Di Sunfeast, which is a combination of our Fiama Di Willis soaps and Sunfeast biscuit range. We hope to launch the new product early next year,” confirmed the ITC brand manager at ITC on the condition of anonymity.

Dabur is also reportedly working on an Ayurvedic soap on the lines of its Hajmola product range. “The USP of our product will be total cleaning of the body – external as well as internal. Also, eat as many soaps as you want, Hajmola will take care of that,” the Dabur guy claimed.

Industry watchers say that edible soaps will give rise to many more such product integrations such as chips with room fresheners.

“PepsiCo could try that,” an industry expert said, “Pepsi has done a lot of research on effective use of air in various edible products such as Lay’s brand of chips. Currently people crib about the air, but it could be sold as room freshener.”

Prime Minister congratulates ISRO chairman on phone, but…

After successful take-off of the Mars mission, Prime Minister called up ISRO chairman Dr. K Radhakrishnan to congratulate him. There was a little hiccup though…

ISRO joins NASA, but what about NSA?

Met warns Congress of ‘Cyclone Rahulin’ as pressure builds around banning opinion polls

New Delhi. The Meteorological Department of India has warned Congress of another possible ‘Cyclone Rahulin’ and has urged Congressmen to take all precautionary measures to keep the losses at minimum.

This urgent message is being issued to alert Congress members, especially party spokespersons who are regularly going out of their home and visiting news channels to issue statements in support of ban on opinion polls.

Met officials have warned that the storm is expected to make landfall at any ongoing Congress press conference, causing extensive damage to the spokespersons present at the conference.

The lull before the last storm

Last time it was on 27th of September when Congress was hit by same Level-4 cyclone, ‘Rahulin‘, which was formed due to low pressure zone created by absence of sense within the party over the ordinance issue. Most badly affected people in that cyclone were party spokespersons.

“Our satellite system has spotted formation of similar wind and pressure pattern; this time over the banning of opinion poll issue. Congress party is lying in low sense zone, so a sudden inward spiraling winds is quite likely in next 48 hours,” meteorological department head Narayan Mishra confirmed to Faking News.

“We are expecting possible condemnation of ‘Ban on opinion polls’ with voice intensity ranging from 110 decibels (sound level at front rows of rock Concert) to 140 decibels (sound level of military jet takeoff),” added Mr. Mishra, explaining the gravity of situation, “In the worst case, it may go up to 160 decibels, which can cause instant perforation of eardrums.”

“To other parties it would not be that harmful, but for Congressmen, who start shaking even at a 60 decibel of Rahulin, it will be really tough to survive this cyclone,” he warned of the consequences.

In its official release, the met department has urged the Congressmen to stay away from media, find a safer ground, and inform their friends and family about their whereabouts.

Post this warning, Congress is reported to be on high alert and trying all possible ways to minimize the damage.

“None of the party spokespersons will be allowed to organize any press meet in next 48 hours,” said Congress leader Ajay Maken, who himself was present at the landfall site of 27th of September Cyclone Rahulin.

Meanwhile, some party workers have gathered at 10 Janpath and started praying to the ‘Cyclone Rahulin’ to propitiate the god of good things.