Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Monday, November 4, 2013

Pak requests US drones to attack only civilians, not terrorists

Islamabad, Pakistan. After a US Drone attack killed Hakimullah Mehsud, the head of the Pakistani Taliban, Pakistan has requested USA to attack only civilians and spare the terrorists for maximum impact.

Many in Pakistan are outraged that this guy was killed in a drone attack

“What’s the point of making life tougher for everyone?” Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif argued, “Look, everyone, from Imran Khan to Iran and China, is condemning the latest attack even though drone attacks have been going on for years.”

“I don’t know why Obama is behaving like a dehati aurat and spoiling it all,” Mr. Sharif is reported to have said, but the use of the word “dehati aurat” is disputed.

Later talking exclusively to Faking News, Pak PM confirmed that he has spoken with the US president and asked him to “take it easy”.

“Pakistan has ample population and we can afford losing a few civilians, but after losing Osama Bin Laden, we have very few world class terrorists left in the country. US should understand this if they want to continue operating in this area.”

Trying to reassure the terrorist community, Sharif added, “There is no need to panic. All mujahideens will be safe in Pakistan. We have explained to the USA why they shouldn’t attack the mujahideens.”

“You cannot keep killing terrorists if you want sustained peace in the region and a resolution of the Kashmir problem,” Sharif is reported to have explained to Obama.

Engineering student stuns everyone by changing bed sheet on Diwali

Kanpur. Students at Bhabha Hostel of Lazy Institute of Technology were shocked this morning when they saw a brand new clean bed sheet in one of the rooms.

The bed sheet was changed by a male student during Diwali cleaning of boys’ hostel, a concept that is not part of the engineering curriculum anywhere in the country.

The changed bed sheet was first spotted by Sid, roommate of Sam, the final year Electronics Engineering student who took this extra ordinary step, which is reported to be the first in the history of independent India.

Sources tell Faking News that Sid fainted at the sight of the new bed sheet. It was not until the old bed sheet, which was integral part of Sam’s bed for the last three years, was brought close to his nose, that he regained consciousness.

The shocking sight

After gathering some strength, Sid said, “For the past 36 months, my eyes were used to seeing that flower pattern bed sheet and now all of a sudden, it was not there. I had seen the bed sheet grow from light orange to orange and finally to dark brown. It was like a baby to all of us.”

Sid pleaded with Sam to get the old bed sheet back, but Sam refused.

“He has become so stone-hearted, like those stone patterns on the new bed sheet,” Sid rued, “Even Moti (the hostel dog) who used to sneak into our room when we were not there, has whining since morning. Moti used to jump on the bed and loved the feel the texture of the earlier bed sheet.”

Sid claimed that Sam was a big fan of Bulla and used to keep the door khulla (open). But now, he was closed to all suggestions of getting the old bed sheet back.

Sahil, another engineering student from the same hostel, was also disappointed with Sam’s decision.

“It is a sad day for all of us. It was not just a bed sheet, but an alarm clock for all of us. As soon as Sam opened the door the fragrance would reach our rooms and we would all be out in a minute; such was its influence,” he said.

Sam claims that he knew that his actions would have far reaching impacts, but he couldn’t change the decision as it was too late now. In order to preserve memories, Sam had instagramed the moment when he was changing the bed sheet.

For the benefit of the students’ community, he shared it on Facebook, where floral tributes are being paid by every student of Lazy Institute of Technology.

Meanwhile, the hostel dhobi Ramu was quite ecstatic upon hearing that Sam bhaiya had finally decided to give the old bed sheet for cleaning.

“Although I have 15 years of experience at dhobi ghat but this is a new challenge in my professional career. I will be using some latest in-house chemicals, detergents, and all my experience to bring the bed sheet back to its original color,” Ramu said.

The whole hostel is now waiting with bated breath for the day when Ramu comes back with the bed sheet. Sources say some Chemical Engineering students have applied for leaves and want to witness how Ramu could survive handling something they believe could be as serious as acid rain.

Classmates think Pappu will flunk exams, Pappu wants ban on opinion polls

New Delhi. A survey involving interactions with ten classmates of Praveen Pujari, a class 9^th student of Bharat Vidya Mandir, has hinted that Praveen, also known as Pappu in the school, will most probably fail in the coming term exams.

The survey was conducted by an education consulting company Creader Private Limited. Creader talked with ten students from IX-A of Bharat Vidya Mandir, and 8 of them believed that there was no way Pappu could get passing marks in any subject in the coming exams.

Pappu fears that this could be reality not because he has not studied, but because the opinion poll says so.

Based on these inputs, Creader claimed that Pappu will flunk the exams, slated to be held in first week of December.

“Since they (the classmates) have been closely observing Pappu’s performance and behavior in the class, it’s logical to assume that they have informed knowledge about Pappu’s scholastic abilities,” Dashwant Thakur, the CEO of Creader explained why the survey’s conclusion couldn’t be dismissed.

However, Pappu has rejected this “nonsense”.

“This survey is to confuse the examiners and fill them with prejudices against me, so that they give me zero marks when checking the papers,” Pappu claimed, “This is totally unscientific study, which is raising a question mark over my studies.”

Enraged with opinion poll result, Pappu has gone on a strike and stopped attending classes. He’s demanding that all future visits by Creader should be banned and no such opinion poll should be held in future again.

Pappu’s best friend Din Vijay, who has been failing in class 9^th exams for three years in succession, supported Pappu’s call for a ban on such opinion polls, which were reduced to a joke in his opinion.

“Last year, they had claimed that I will get third division and will pass the exams, but I failed again. What a joke! These guys are totally unreliable,” Din Vijay told Faking News.

Some independent observers, e.g. the guy who rings bell (ghanta) in the school, have claimed that such surveys were indeed random, but Pappu’s objections were even more random.

“Why would examiners fail him if he writes the answers correctly,” the ghanta guy said, “And wait, the school has been using objective type questions that are to be answered in OMR sheets and checked by machines. There is no possibility of any bias creeping in.”

“Further, Pappu should take it as warning and wonder why his classmates think he’s such a duffer,” the ghanta guy added, “There is almost a month left. He should invest energy in studying rather than getting into such things.”

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Diwali special fairness cream that makes you sparkle like phuljhari

Mumbai. On the occasion of Diwali, famous beauty product brand “Gora Gori” has launched its new fairness cream, “Fire & Lovely”, which is capable of making a user sparkle like phuljhari in only a minute.

Fairness like never before

“Unlike other beauty products that promise fairness in weeks, Fire & Lovely provides instant glow in a minute, and a glow that can light up the neighborhood,” company’s CEO Anil Agrawal said at product launch on Diwali eve.

The product launch saw the CEO switching off the lights to ensure complete darkness in the hall, followed by models who applied cream on their face, thus illuminating the hall.

When asked why were they promoting a fairness cream when it’s supposed to be a regressive product, the CEO said, “See, if you are progressive, you can treat this cream as a eco-friendly Diwali cracker.”

Early reports suggest that the product is receiving rave reviews.

“This fills us with confidence, saves electricity, and of course, eco-friendly Diwali,” said a dedicated fan of Gora Gori.

Some of over enthusiastic and innovative users have even found a way to use the cream as a replacement of crackers. Colony members of Adarsh Nagar, Delhi have applied the cream on body of colony children and organized a sport event in park to generate cracker effect.

“Put them on merry go round, you will get the feeling of Charkhi, make them run in a race, you will get feeling of rocket, and phuljhari it already is,” explained a colony member.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Congress to organize a singing reality show to find alternative to Lata Mangeshkar

New Delhi. Soon after singing legend Lata Mangeshkar endorsed Narendra Modi for the post of Prime Minister of India, Congress announced a singing talent hunt show “Bharat Ki Bulbul” (BKB) to find a “better” alternative to the now “controversial” singer.

BKB – the first politically sponsored talent hunt show on Indian television – will be aired on DD National.

“We came to know that Lata ji’s voice has polarizing effect, which is obviously not good for the idea of India. India desperately needs a new female icon whose words are music to our ears,” Congress spokesman Manish Tewari explained the need for the reality show.

The highly controversial and objectionable moment in Lata Mangeshkar’s career

Sources tell Faking News that Kapil Sibal, a prolific and talented poet, and Daler Mehndi, an acclaimed singer who recently joined Congress, will be the judges of the show. Digvijay Singh, who is a voracious speaker, will be the host.

The auditions will take place in every city of India, with cities going to assembly polls being considered first.

Round one will be a written test, where questions related to the Nehru-Gandhi family history will asked to establish the basic eligibility of the candidate. Next round will consist of Group Discussion and then a Personal Interview with Digvijay Singh and Rahul Gandhi.

“Apart from cash prize, a trophy, and contracts to sing in movies, the winner will also be a star campaigner for Congress, hence these elements are being introduced,” a source revealed.

In the personal interview round, the candidate will be asked to sing songs. Singers will have to sing solo songs followed by duets with religious singers from Islam, Sikhism, Christianity, Judaism, Jainism, Buddhism, and couple of relatively unknown religions from Africa. This is to make sure only a secular candidate wins the title of “Bharat Ki Bulbul”.

Sources further reveal that all the shortlisted singers will compulsorily have to sing “Aye mere watan ke logon” and the best singer will be the winner. Later, the song will be released all over the country to erase the memories of Lata Mangeshkar’s voice from the minds of the people.

“The singer who makes Rahul Gandhi ji cry with the rendition of Aye mere watan ke logon will be the new Lata Mangeshkar,” Digvijay Singh confirmed.

Friday, November 1, 2013

On occasion of Dhanteras, thief decides to steal only Gold

New Delhi. Following the tradition of purchasing precious metals on Dhanteras, Raju, a Delhi thief has decided to steal only gold on the auspicious day.

With help of sources from Delhi Chor Bazaar, Faking News somehow managed to get an opportunity to talk to Raju, who claimed he was a religious person and he had all the rights to celebrate Dhanteras.

Raju has shortlisted some targets too

“Just because I’m chor, am I supposed to not take part in social events?” Raju argued, “By that logic, you guys should never invite politicians to inaugurate events at festivals!”

Raju further argued that he was just taking part in the custom by doing his “duty”.

“My profession is to steal, so I will steal,” the professional thief said.

Interestingly, Raju’s actions have found support among many because he used religion to justify his act. Some experts have called it the “Asaram” effect.

Even the government hasn’t been forthcoming in criticism of Raju. Instead of condemning his act of indulging in an illegal act, the government has criticized Raju for indulging in acts that can spoil the report card of the government. Experts have called this “chor chor mausere bhai” effect.

“Let him steal anything, but no gold,” Finance Minister P Chidambaram said, “If he steals gold from people, those people will buy gold to maintain their gold reserves. This will hurt the current account deficit.”

Emboldened by such reactions, Raju is all set to steal some gold tonight during the auspicious time period as declared by pundits. Faking News appeals to Bappi Lahiri and all other readers to be alert.

Friday faking release: Virasat

Manmohan Singh and Narendra Modi over Sardar Patel

Indians are fighting amongst themselves to inherit the legacy of united India.