Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Politicians protest pilgrims interrupting their aerial surveys by occupying helicopters

Dehradun. Politicians from various parties have come together at Dehradun airport to protest against the excessive use of helicopters by the stranded pilgrims in Uttarakhand. These politicians are upset that their aerial surveys of the flood-hit Uttarakhand state have been frequently canceled because the helicopters were not free.

Speaking to Faking News, a representative of the politicians said, “See, these aerial surveys are very important to maintain the secular fabric of the country and we haven’t been able to put in as many surveys as we want because the helicopters are always busy. They are either full of rations for the pilgrims or they are full of pilgrims themselves, when will we get to ride?”

These were always meant for VIPs

Another politician present at the scene said, “We are answerable to the public which has elected us. Tomorrow with what face will we go and ask for votes if we go back from here without doing any surveys? All the time you hound us saying we don’t work and now when we want to work, you don’t want to give us the helicopters. We can’t be seen as sitting idle! Rival party’s minister got 9 minutes on primetime news today, I got only 2. I have to make up those 7 minutes within next 24 hours.”

“It would have been better if we had gone to Europe like some senior leaders. We are wasting our summer vacations here and aren’t even getting the opportunity to do something for the people,” the upset leader concluded.

Some politicians were present at the site with their entire families in tow. As per sources, they had promised a free helicopter ride of the Himalayas to their kids and were upset that they weren’t able to fulfill their promise.

Politicians from almost every political party were present at the protest site. The unity, generally reserved to oppose Lokpal bill or shown during BCCI meetings, was on full display as leaders from different parties backed each other’s demand for more helicopters for politicians.

When we asked an Indian Air Force officer how did it feel being a citizen of the country and ferrying VIPs, he said, “Feels similar to what that guy must have felt who carried a TV journalist on his shoulders.”

Monday, June 24, 2013

IRCTC announces ‘stand-in-queue-to-book-tickets’ service

New Delhi. In an innovative step that will generate employment and ensure service, IRCTC has announced a new tatkal ticket booking system that won’t hang at the last minute.

“After unending complaints about ‘service unavailable’ and ‘connection error’ troubles, we have been able to figure out the problem – internet,” an Indian Railways official told Faking News, “Therefore, we are reducing this dependency on internet for booking the tickets and going back to tried and tested way of booking tickets – standing in the queue.”

“No, no, you don’t have to physically stand in the queue. You can still book tickets using your IRCTC login and at the comfort of your home,” the official clarified.

Such rail reservation counters will see a lot of activity in coming days

As per the new system, an IRCTC user will have to enter details such as travel route, date of travel, class of travel, and choose a particular train, before he is taken to page that would list ‘volunteers’ who would stand in the queue to book tickets on behalf of the user.

“These volunteers will be employed by the Indian Railways and the IRCTC website will list their ‘success rates’ in booking tickets – similar to success rates shown currently for payment gateways,” the IRCTC official explained.

The volunteers will charge ~~commission~~ premium for their services, which will include waking up early in the morning, running to the nearest railway reservation counter, booking the tickets successfully, and delivering it to the user’s address.

“Volunteers belonging to the weaker sections of the society will be able to jump the queue and charge higher premium for his or her services,” the official underlined how the government’s intervention will bring fundamental changes to the original system of standing in the queue to book tickets.

The official further revealed that Indian Railways swill retain a portion of the premium to meet the operational costs of the IRCTC website.

“Ummm… yes, you may say so,” the Indian Railways official reluctantly conceded when this reporter wondered if this didn’t amount to regularizing touts and unauthorized agents.

“But this is not so shocking. Government regularizes even unauthorized colonies built by builder mafia. We are merely trying to help people and not endangering anyone’s lives!” the official justified the decision.

“It also solves the problem of too many people logging in the IRCTC website as soon as the tatkal window opens. The real rush will be offline – among the volunteers, while a user can place his order for tickets anytime at his or her convenience.”

“And look at the brighter side; anyone can become a tout… errr… I mean, a volunteer now. This will create jobs for the youth. We are calling it Rahul Gandhi Railways Swayam Sevak Yojna,” the official said.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Queen Elizabeth to abdicate throne for Sir Ravindra Jadeja

London, UK. After being knighted without the Queen’s intervention, Indian all-rounder Ravindra Jadeja is set to become the King of England (and the United Kingdom) if India wins the Champions Trophy.

“Finally England will have a new emperor, but it won’t be Prince Charles, who will continue to wait for his turn like LK Advani in India,” a royal spokesperson confirmed the development.

“Sir Jadeja will become King Jadeja if India defeats England in the finals of the Championship Trophy. Her Highness has herself signed on a declaration promising the same,” the spokesman announced to a shocked audience.

From Chennai Super Kings to being the English King?

Sources confirm that Buckingham Palace is already being decorated to welcome Jadeja as India are favorites to beat England in Sunday’s match.

“Fresh packets of Dhokla and Phaaphda have been ordered from Mr. Patel’s shop in Downing Street, while a guest room is being readied to host MS Dhoni, who is most likely to accompany Sir Jadeja during the coronation,” a source told Faking News.

It’s not yet known what inspired the Queen to make such an announcement. Some experts feel that this could be a trick to inspire and encourage English players to give their best during the finals and save the crown, while others feel that the Queen is giving the throne the rightful heir.

“After it was revealed that the Royal Family had Gujarati origins, it was fair that a Gujarati was given the throne; and who better than Sir Jadeja?” argued an expert.

But the going could not be so easy for Jadeja as rules stipulate that the emperor of the England must swear religious allegiance to the Church of England.

“Sir Jadeja doesn’t follow any religion and he is rumored to be having a religion of his own with millions of followers worldwide. He is not eligible to rule us,” protested a local citizen, who further feared that Big Ben could be renamed as Moti Ben if Jadeja became the emperor.

However, fans and followers of Ravindra Jadeja, including those in England, reject such claims.

“This is not any problem for Sir Jadeja. People opposed even his presence in Indian team; today all of them have been silenced. These people too will be silenced and our lord will now rule the world,” claimed a Sir Jadeja fan.

“It is his destiny, no one can stop him,” claimed another fan, “If Narendra Modi is NaMo, Ravindra Jadeja is clearly RaJa. He is just officially being confirmed.”

Friday, June 21, 2013

Disappointed with Twitter, boy goes back to adding girls on Facebook

Ghaziabad. Having joined Twitter with high hopes of “following” and befriending girls, whom he could take out for coffee, Ranjan Prasad today declared that he had given up on the mission and is going back to Facebook to meet the target.

“Twitter is hopeless. Girls don’t reply or ‘follow you as friend’. Worse, they re-tweet your friendship requests and people start laughing at you,” Ranjan shared his frustration with this Faking News reporter.

Ranjan tried everything – complimenting girls on their DPs (display pictures), tagging them in Sir Jadeja jokes, and googling answers to questions like ‘why is everyone so boring today?’ and tweeting the link back to the girls – but nothing worked for him.

Ranjan considers his days spent on Twitter as the darkest days of his life

The only “girls” to follow him were offering him free job alerts, links to random blogs, and asking him to click on spam links. A desperate Ranjan even tried to engage with such girls, asking their age and city in which they lived, but soon realized that they were fake.

“The real ones never followed back. In fact, I got blocked by one girl who called me a jerk; Facebook was better where many girls chat with me,” the 19-year-old rued.

“I know some of those Facebook girls could be boys in reality, but there was this girl called James Priya whom I followed on Twitter. She too turned out to be a guy,” Ranjan added, “There was another girl, hopefully a girl only, called Sonali whom I followed. Once I told her she was cute and I was immediately called a Congress agent! Twitter is beyond me!”

After following 829 profiles, 813 of them being of girls, and sending out 5664 tweets, 5598 of those being to these girls, Ranjan deactivated his Twitter account earlier today to channelize all his energies towards finding girls on Facebook.

“Facebook has removed ban on me sending requests so I’m going to make new friends now,” Ranjan declared as he signed into his social life.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Army could be called in to rescue falling rupee and economy

New Delhi. Latest reports coming from various cantonments suggest that the soldiers in Indian Army have been asked to study textbooks on economics, finance, markets, etc. because they could soon be called in to take control of the Indian economy.

“The immediate task could be to rescue the falling rupee, though we are yet to be officially communicated,” an army spokesperson told Faking News.

Army is usually called in when civilian efforts fail or a natural disaster strikes. The government is sure that the current economic crisis falls in one of these categories, but not sure which one.

Citizens are wary of the move, but they think the situation can’t get worse.

However, sources in the government confirm that the government is sure that it would need army’s help in getting the economy back on track as most of its other attempts appear to be bearing no fruit.

“The phrase ‘Army called in’ appears to enthuse more confidence in people than phrases like ‘Government assures’, ‘RBI announces’, ‘Don’t buy Gold’ etc. so we thought we could try this trick as well,” a source in the Finance Ministry explained.

“No, no, we are not imposing army rule over the nation by calling the army to help us with economics. We’d continue to be a democratic country and lathicharge those protesting this move,” a government source clarified.

Experts too believe that such a step could prove to be more effective than other steps taken by the government.

“To be fair, the government did try to think out of box. The Finance Minister tried to change the behavior of people (by asking them not to buy gold) to impact the market conditions instead taking the usual approach of changing the market conditions to impact the behavior of people,” an expert pointed out.

“Even the upgrade by Fitch last week didn’t seem to have helped the sentiments, so maybe ‘Army called in’ could help,” the experts added.

Back in the cantonments, army men are trying their best.

“It’s all very confusing, now I know why our Prime Minister appears so lost and spaced out,” Lance Naik Ram Bahadur Singh said after his fifth Economics class in the last two days.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Rahul Gandhi wins Hide-and-Seek game on his birthday

New Delhi. It’s just a few minutes before 19^th June i.e. ~~PappuDiwas~~ birthday of Rahul Gandhi comes to an end, but no one knows where exactly the young Vice President of the Congress party is.

There were rumors of him being in Spain, but since it was suggested by Subramanian Swamy on Twitter, there was confusion if Spain referred to a country or some code-word like TDK, CRT, PT, et al.

Rahul Gandhi is expected to come out victorious soon from his hiding

However, towards the end of the day, the Congress party clarified that Rahul Gandhi had planned an elaborate Hide-and-Seek game (also known as Luka-Chhupi in Hindi) on the occasion of his birthday, and he had won the game as no one could find where he was hiding.

“Just another achievement by Rahul Gandhi ji,” declared a spokesperson of Congress party in an exclusive interview to Faking News.

Sources confirmed that many took part in the national game and tried to find Rahul Gandhi during the day but they couldn’t spot him anywhere except in tweets by fans and haters alike.

“It is not easy to outsmart Rahul Gandhi ji,” senior Congress leader Digvijay Singh said, “The fact that he won against the whole country proves that he’s ready to lead the nation.”

Earlier, Rahul Gandhi was reported to have won Ludo and Snake-&-Ladders games, but those involved only two players in private settings. This is the first time Rahul Gandhi has won in public.

However, BJP is not impressed.

“This is a fixed match. Congressis are playing amongst themselves. The truth is that Rahul baba is hiding because he’s afraid of NaMo,” claimed a BJP supporter on Twitter.

“I congratulate Rahul Gandhi on winning the game. He should ignore the haters,” Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar said responding to comments by BJP supporters.

“Objective” statement in the résumé gets applicant the job

Mumbai. In the first of such a case reported anywhere, an HR manager was so impressed with the “objective” statement written on the top of the résumé that he immediately hired the candidate for the job.

The HR manager couldn’t resist the magical temptation of “To use my skills to the full potential with utmost quality assurance and to align myself with the professional growth and goals of the organization with which I seek a long term career and relationship” and right away called the candidate to confirm his employment.

The manager searched for keywords in the résumé and found them in the job objective statement

“Yes, come and join us tomorrow. We are assured of your quality. Use your skill. Align yourself,” told the manager on phone to a stunned Rahul, who had applied for the post of sales executive in Datarocks Private Limited.

Rahul had copied the ‘objective’ statement from the résumé of his friend, who was rejected for the same job last month. His friend too had copied it from someone else’s resume, it seems. Preliminarily investigations couldn’t ascertain the origin of the legendary objective statement.

However, the statement, which had been copied-pasted like a Rajinikanth joke on everyone’s profile, finally worked for Rahul, who got the job offer purely based on the cryptic sentence.

“Oh no, no interview is needed. You can take charge tomorrow,” the impressed manager told Rahul, who couldn’t believe his ears and luck.

Recruitment experts and college placement cells’ chairpersons confirm that this occurrence is as rare as a management consultant completing a project without opening Microsoft PowerPoint even once.

“But I welcome the development; this would encourage students and job seekers to invest more time into writing original and meaningful ‘objectives’ on their résumés,” an HR professor from the leading management institute of India told Faking News.

“What the hell! People actually read those?” reacted an MBA student from the same institute, “Next what? They would locate and contact the clubs listed under ‘extra-curricular activities’ to confirm if I was a member of!?”