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Monday, March 11, 2013

Italy asks its troops to be ready for strong unhappiness by India

Rome, Italy. Anticipating a strong wave of “unhappiness”, “discomfort” and “objections” from India after they refused to send the marines back, Italy has asked its citizens and armed forces to be ready to deal with any such eventuality.

“We have ordered millions of earplugs, oil, cleaning buds, dark glasses, chewing gum, and similar artillery to deal with the massive verbal onslaught that we expect India to unleash upon us,” Giampaolo di Paola, the Defense Minister of Italy revealed.

An Italian kid rehearsing the official steps suggested by the government to deal with the Indian attack

Reports say that before taking the decision of not sending back the marines, accused of killing Indian fishermen, the government of Italy had called a top level meeting where they concluded that Italy must be ready to face the consequences.

“Half of our worries were taken care of as we don’t play cricket,” an official in the Foreign Ministry of Italy told Faking News, “The only big threat remaining was India expressing strong disapproval.”

Sources reveal that top management of Ferrari was also called in by the Italian government to know how they dealt with the “strong objections” by the government of India when the car manufacturing company had decided to show support for the accused Italian marines during the Indian Grand Prix four months back.

“Ferrari officials first laughed, and then told us to ‘chill’, but when we insisted, they told us to make sure that we just nod our heads when India registers a strong protest, but not to laugh audibly as this could cause a prolonged session of protest,” an Italian source claimed.

Latest reports confirm that the government of Italy was already practicing the “counter offensive”.

“India and Italy are matured nations. We respect India as the largest democracy of the world and an emerging superpower. We hope this matter will be resolved amicably,” Giulio Terzi Sant’Agata, the Foreign Minister of Italy said without giggling or smiling even for a second.

Back home, the government of India was trying to find the ‘register’ button online to register a strong protest.

PowerPoint presentation on Anger Management makes man angry like hell

Mohali. Garamendra Krodhi, widely believed to be the angriest Indian, today beat up a person who was teaching him some anger management tips through the help of a PowerPoint presentation.

The incident has left a big question mark over effectiveness of both PowerPoint presentations as well as anger management tips.

“This is clearly a failure of PowerPoint presentations,” Ajeet Nigam, a first year MBA student claimed, “It proves that PowerPoint presentations only make things worse. They should be banned immediately.”

Garamendra after 3rd slide of the PPT

“At least before I get into the second year,” he added.

Apart from MBA students, even cricket fans claim that PowerPoint presentations are to be blamed.

“Garamendra’s actions have proved that Australian players like Shane Watson did nothing wrong,” Gurmeet Singh, a cricket fan eagerly awaiting the third test match at Mohali claimed.

“It also explains why Australian players sledge so much on field. They must be being shown PowerPoint presentations by their coaches, which make them angry like Garamendra. Since they can’t beat up their coach, they abuse on field,” Gurmeet guessed.

However, there are other people (not from the CBI) who are giving clean chit to PowerPoint presentations.

“It is Garamendra; he just can’t be NOT angry with anything!” an injured friend of Garamendra told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

The friend claims that Garamendra couldn’t control his rage when he saw anger management tips written in Comic Sans font flying from lower-left corner in bullet-points format.

“Maybe the font made him angry,” the friend argued, “Or these anger management tips don’t work on Garamendra, he needs something extra-ordinary.”

Latest reports suggest that Garamendra is now angry with conflicting views on PowerPoint presentations.

Shane Watson announces retirement in three slides of PowerPoint presentation

New Delhi. Australian all-rounder Shane Watson has become the first international cricketer to announce retirement by making a PowerPoint presentation.

Usually cricketers address a press conference or issue a press release when they hang their boots, but Watson uploaded a three-slide PPT on SlideShare, where he announced that he had retired from all forms of cricket under coach Mickey Arthur.

His first slide read “Click to add title”, which suggested that Watson didn’t make a good presentation even while announcing retirement.

Watson celebrating after completing his PPT

“He must have been pretty upset and in a hurry, so forgot to add title,” a member of the Australian cricket team tried to explain the rebel cricketer’s actions.

The second slide had the only bullet point saying “I have retired”, which made it clear that it was his retirement presentation.

However, the background of the second slide was a wallpaper of Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty, which briefly confused people if it hinted at retirement of Shilpa Shetty from acting.

“No no, Shilpa is not retiring, assuming she’s active in Bollywood. I used a slide from the IPL presentations, and I’d like to use this opportunity to clarify that I’d continue to play in the IPL, unless of course Mickey is given a contract by any IPL team,” Watson explained his second slide.

The third slide had the usual “Thanks. Any questions?” and a smiley of Mickey Mouse, the meaning and symbolism of which was not explained by the 31-year-old cricketer.

Cricket Australia didn’t comment on the development, though sources claim that Watson could be given a show-cause notice for adopting double standards while making presentations.

“He could have given a similar presentation to the coach too, and I’m sure the coach would have appreciated a presentation that is in line with on-field performance,” a Cricket Austrlia official told Faking News.

Meanwhile MBA students from round the world have welcomed the format of a PowerPoint presentation containing just three slides, including the introduction and thank-you slides.

“This is Twenty-20 format of a PowerPoint presentation; this must be encouraged!” said a student from one of the leading b-schools of India.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Bitti Mohanty regrets joining bank, says should have joined politics

Kannur. Rapist on run Bitti Mohanty, who was found working in public sector bank after changing his identity, has said that it was a bad decision to join a bank to escape the law.

Politics is giving him hope

He says he should have joined politics instead.

“Joining a bank just helped me hide my identity, while joining politics would have helped me hide my crime,” Bitty claimed.

Bitt further said that he should have chosen Suryanelli instead of Kannur as his place of hiding in Kerala.

“I could have claimed that the charges were politically motivated, and could have even blamed the rape victim,” said the man convicted of raping a German tourist six years ago.

However, all is not lost for Bitti, who has now given up on his banking career and is planning to join politics once he completes the rape sentence.

“I won’t run away from jail again, in fact, I’m I am looking forward to it as a nice experience for my footing in politics,” he told Faking News.

The above statement by Bitti has come as a reprieve to bankers all over the world, especially those from the US, who have pointed out that politics, not banks, remained as the last refuge of the scoundrel.

Ajinkya Rahane retires from Test Cricket, joins TCS bench

Hyderabad. Fed up with being benched with the Indian cricket team, Indian cricketer Ajinkya Rahane has announced his retirement from Test Cricket and is seeking an alternative career by joining the IT services company TCS.

“I have grown tired of being on the bench. I have been the ‘Next Big Thing’ in Indian cricket for a couple of years now, but my chance to don the Indian cap has not yet materialized,” said a visibly distraught Rahane.

When pointed out by this Faking News reporter that he could be on bench even if he joins TCS, Rahane said, “At least, there will be a few girls around in that bench. And on a related note, let me clarify that I’d continue playing IPL.”

Rahane packing his bags for a new career

Suresh Krishnan, a senior HR manager in TCS welcomed Rahane’s decision, “He will be a valuable addition to the bench team. And we can allow him to play IPL if he doesn’t submit fake sick leaves for the rest of the year.”

Sources say that with Virender Sehwag being dropped, there was a possibility of Rahane being handed a test debut. But BCCI, using Cricket Australia’s Player Management system, concluded that owing to spending insane amounts of time on the bench, Rahane had an 87% chance of developing a backache; hence Shikhar Dhawan was picked for a test debut.

Following this decision, Michael Clarke is reported to have offered Rahane a place in Australian team for the rest of the ongoing test series.

“Considering the shambolic condition of my team, Rahane will be a valuable addition and we are willing to present him with the Order of Australia membership if he does agree to join our team,” Clarke admitted to have extended the offer to Rahane, who resisted temptations of being able to actually play a test match, and also being only the second Indian to be presented with the Order of Australia.

After much thinking, the 24-year-old batsman announced retirement from test cricket.

Ajinkya Rahane, a veteran of 0 tests, has 0 runs to his name at an average of 0. He has also held on to 0 catches and has 0 test wickets.

“It was my dream to play with him. I can’t believe he made such a hasty decision. I will miss him bringing drinks on the field. There is no replacement for experience,” Sachin Tendulkar reacted to the news.

“I have always maintained that a team should have a perfect blend of youth and experience. Same goes for the team on bench. He was our most experienced bench-warmer. His retirement has left a huge hole. We are hoping Manoj Tiwary gets well soon and fills that void,” Indian captain MS Dhoni said.

Manoj Tiwary was unavailable for comments as he was waiting for his doctor’s appointment on a bench in a clinic.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Vitthal Radadiya says he was teaching toll booth employee self-defense

Gandhinagar. Former Congress leader Vitthal Radadiya, who was caught on camera flashing gun at a toll booth employee, today clarified that he had taken out the gun not to threaten the poor employee but to strengthen his resolve.

“That toll booth guy was looking very dejected, saying he was just an aam aadmi and couldn’t do anything to change things in India,” Radadiya, now a BJP member explained his past.

Radadiya has a new explanation

“I was telling him to take up arms and resist any injustice around,” Radadiya claimed, “I showed him my rifle and told him that real power didn’t lie in pistols but in people. At no point of time I threatened him. In fact, I told him to take up arms only for self-defense.”

“People in Gujarat are Gandhians, and I was just telling him to become a Gandhian with guns,” he added.

Radadiya blamed media of wrongly using the CCTV camera footage to insinuate that he was threatening the poll booth employee.

“Did media play sound in the CCTV clip? Without sound how can you be sure of what I was saying? I am not Manmohan Singh where sound doesn’t matter,” the former Congressman quipped.

When Faking News reminded Radadiya that five months back he didn’t say any such thing, rather he had claimed that he had acted in self-defense; the leader said that he stood by his original statement.

“Of course, I acted in self-defense to teach self-defense, there is no contradiction. A cricket coach will have to play a square-cut to teach square-cut!” he explained.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Mulayam Singh Yadav to represent India at UN on Sri Lanka vote

New Delhi. Impressed with his impeccable ambivalence on political and diplomatic issues, the central government has decided to send Samajwadi Party chief Mulayam Singh Yadav to United Nations whenever a resolution critical of Sri Lanka is put to vote.

“We don’t want to offend Tamil groups, and at the same time we don’t want to offend Sri Lanka. Frankly, we have absolutely no idea what to do, so we have asked Mulayam Singh ji to help us and show us the way out,” Foreign Minister Salman Khurshid told Faking News.

Khurshid is confident that the SP chief will use all his experience in saying-one-thing-and-doing-another and come up with a solution that confuses every person over the fact of the matter.

Mulayam Singh Yadav gestures after making a point that no one could understand

“We were especially impressed with what he did in the vote over FDI in retail,” Khurshid recalled, “That’s precisely the kind of strategy we need to adopt when dealing with this Sri Lanka vs. Tamil issue. We don’t want to reinvent the wheel so we have asked Netaji to represent India at UN.”

“You know, saanp bhi mar jaaye aur laathi bhi na toote,” Khurshid added.

Sources say that the government is trying to convince the former wrestler and former Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, who is weighing his options closely.

“Netaji won’t do it pro-bono. He’s trying to work out a good deal,” a close aide of Mulayam Singh Yadav disclosed, “Of course, some clauses related to the CBI will be there, but he’s aiming higher; something like union government declaring every victim of crime in Uttar Pradesh as ‘braveheart’ and a special fund for compensations.”

“Something like a Raja Bhaiya fund, but not exactly named so,” the source explained.

Samajwadi Party is confident that the central government will agree to the demands but by them as this is not the first time Mulayam Singh Yadav could come to the rescue of the government.

“Sri Lanka is not the only puzzle to be solved, next could be Bangladesh where domestic unrest is going on. You never know what stand Mamata Banerjee takes on this issue. The only person who can confuse and counter Mamata di is Netaji,” a SP leader drew attention to what happened during the Presidential elections, where Mulayam Singh Yadav trumped Mamata Banerjee on supporting APJ Abdul Kalam.

Sources hint that the UPA government could accept most of the demands put up by Mulayam Singh Yadav as the resolution against Sri Lanka could be taken up soon at the UN Human Rights Council (UNHRC) in Geneva.

“We hope he does something magical. Say criticizing Sri Lanka and then walking out when voting comes up,” Salman Khurshid said, “The best thing about him is that even if he ends up reading up a Portuguese speech on the resolution, no one will notice it.”

(originally written for and published in English daily DNA)