Friday, May 13, 2016

Friday Faking Release: Golmaal (*ing Ashutosh and Narendra Modi )

Ashutosh’s tirade against Narendra Modi for forging his marksheets may not see end of the day till he finds out the curious case of NarendraDas Damodardas Modi and Narendra Kumar Damodardas Modi. In this weeks Friday Faking release check out how Ashutosh puts his investigate journalism skill to use and exposes PM Modi. Will he succeed or will PM Modi prove too smart for him. To find out watch Golmaal.

Golmaal (*ing Ashutosh and Narendra Modi )

Golmaal (*ing Ashutosh and Narendra Modi )

Lovely University awards honorary doctorate to Sunny Leone for her contribution to the well being of engineering students

Bollywood star and adult entertainer Sunny Leone added another feather to her cap on her 35th bday after Lovely University honored her with a doctorate, acknowledging that fact that her movies had a major role to play in the well-being of engineering students, especially from the Mechanical Engineering department.

Honored for her contribution to the well being of engineering students

Honored for her contribution to the well being of engineering students

At a function to honor the actress, the Vice-Chancellor of the university said, “It gives me immense pleasure to honor Sunny Leone today for her contribution to films which have in turn contributed to the overall well being of students and faculty. Engineering can be very demanding and stressful and its important to de-stress at times.”

“You guys are very lucky. I too am an engineer and I remember when we were studying we went to the theater and had to remember those scenes after going back to hostel rooms. But now, all you need is to do a Google Search and you get all the entertainment that you need,” he added.”

This is not the first time when bollywood actors have been awarded doctorate, but definitely a first for an adult entertainer.

Although Sunny looked a little out of place wearing the robe and all covered up, she couldn’t hold herself from expressing her gratitude.

Addressing a jam packed auditorium filled with mostly male students, she said, “I am very happy and feel blessed. Just like engineering my work too is very physically demanding. But it all feels worth today. Honestly a few days back I was talking to someone about retiring from adult entertainment and immediately got calls from TOI to reconsider my decision. I wasn’t really sure, but today I feel like there is still a few years of it left in me.”

Sources say that the University has allocated dedicated servers in every hostel that will host Sunny Leone’s movies. A ribbon cutting ceremony of the server rooms is also scheduled later in the day that will see the actress gracing the occasion.

Now BJP asks Kejriwal to solve Irodov’s problems to prove he cleared JEE

New Delhi: While the controversy over Narendra Modi’s degree was yet to die down, BJP has responded by raising questions over Arvind Kejriwal’s admission to IIT. Arvind Kejriwal was a student of Mechanical Engineering at IIT Kharagpur from 1985 to 1989.

irodov

Solve it to prove you went to IIT

BJP has claimed that Arvind kejriwal entered IIT through some abnormal means and didn’t clear the Joint Entrance Exam required to get admission in IITs. Citing RTI response from IIT Kharagpur that showed Kejriwal’s JEE rank is unavailable, BJP has raised this question.

Speaking to the press, BJP spokesperson Sambit Patra said, “Before he asks for degree of any of our leaders, he must prove that he did clear JEE and got a good enough rank to enter IIT. Everyone knows that nobody can enter IITs without being able to solve every problem in Irodov’s Physics book, Problems in General Physics. Let him come on camera and solve the problems we give him from the book and we will find out whether he did go to IIT.”

“We are not going to be too strict about it. We will give him 10 problems out of the book and he can solve any 5. That is enough to satisfy us. If he finds it too tough, we can give him maths questions to solve from the books by S.L. Loney and the book by Hall and Knight but in that case, he will have to solve 8 out of 10 questions. We are reasonable people”, Mr. patra added.

When we asked whether Mr. Patra can solve these questions, he replied, “Bhai irodov ke dar se main doctor ban gaya. Entire MBBS was easier than questions in that book. We will get some experts to evaluate.”

When we contacted Arvind Kejriwal for his response to this challenge, he said, “I am ready to take up this challenge provided center government gives control of the invigilator to Delhi Government. We suspect Modi Government will appoint their agent to deliberately fail me.”

Meanwhile, BJP has dropped the idea of taking a test of Ashutosh’s English after nobody agreed to check his answers.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

FB wall: BJP supporters’ reaction to Ministry of Textiles signing MoU with NDTV

FB wall final

Centre to bring in a Mental Bankruptcy bill in Parliament: Sources

New Delhi: Central Government has decided to bring in a Mental Bankruptcy Law to provide a framework for the quicker resolution of cases of shamelessness in public life. This bill would help in catching such offenders early, before they mount up the unfelt shame and bring them to book, making them pay for their shamelessness and relieving the society’s stress, sources said.

mental bankruptcy

After introduction of mental bankruptcy bill, this will be a common sight.

This bill envisages setting up of a Shamelessness Index for individuals, making it a cognizable offence, making changes in Cr. PC for stringent actions for willful defaulters and launching a Guilt Restructuring Plan for genuine failures.

The Shamelessness Index would track the individual’s utterances, actions, self promotions and release a quarterly score of shamelessness called a SIBIL score. In case anyone’s SIBIL score falls below 50, on a scale of 100, he or she would be disallowed in public forums, media appearances, social media etc. Even the surrogate promotion by showing one’s back to camera, to circumvent the law, would not be allowed.

The changes in CrPC would allow for public slapping of individuals, hitting the individual with shoes, garlanding with slippers, tattooing ‘I am Shamed Person’ (मैं हूँ शर्मिंदा आदमी) on his or her forehead etc. There are plans that government may adopt a pay per hit scheme to  garner revenues which can be used on setting up infrastructure like providing free wifi, setting up schools & hospitals, de-addiction centres etc. The enhanced sale of footwear would also boost the economy, sources said.

Guilt Restructuring Plan would be for those who accept the responsibility & implications of their shameful actions and are willing to make amends, ready to pay for it, but, over a period of time. They would be given options to redeem themselves like cleaning public places on odd days and promoting nationalism in JNU on even days. The restructuring plans would be flexible with exemptions like parole based on good behavior during the restructuring period.

Faking News reporter met a social scientist, Mr. Pralap Pani Behta to for better understanding of this issue. He agreed for the half an hour interview during the time he would be in his bathtub.

“The failures in public life can be caused by many reasons; a character defining tendency of shirking work, a predisposition to blame other people all the time, penchant to be visible on media around the clock or thwarted political ambitions, defined as cases of mental bankruptcy.  Other reasons could also be a dynastic imbecility, a thorough incapability to understand the complications of public life or imperialistic belief of being the lord of everything, defined as intellectual bankruptcy. Both are treated at par.”Mr. Behta explained, while soaping his back.

“In all such cases, failed individual is required to pay for the failure by feeling the guilt & shame associated with or arising out of his or her actions but does not do so as he or she feels that all the people can be fooled all the time. Also, absence of a credible societal mechanism causes delays in identifying the mental or intellectual bankruptcy of the individual early.” Said Mr Behta, stopping to turn the tap to full flow.

“This unfelt guilt, a kind of unpaid debt, mounts up as Non Felt Shame (NFS), affecting the mental health of the society and putting an additional burden on other, healthy individuals who now have to feel the additional quota of guilt, unfelt by these individuals. Just like the farmers in Maharashtra are facing the water shortage due to our bad habits of wasting water in our religious practices of offering water to Sun.” Continued Mr. Behta, as we moved slightly away from bathtub as it was overflowing now.

“This law would enable the society to identify the failed individuals before they mount up the guilt to higher proportions and make them pay for it.”

“This, in my view, is the biggest social reform, undertaken by any society, anywhere in the world, anytime.”Concluded Mr. Behta, draining out the bathtub.

Shashank Manohar refutes allegations that he gave free mixers and TV sets in return of votes

Mumbai: Ex-BCCI President Shashan Manohar, who was unanimously elected as ICC Chairman, is already courting controversies with his appointment after there were reports that Mr. Manohar lured voters with a promise of free mixers, washing machines, TV sets and other household appliances. But Shashank Manohar has refuted these allegations and also stressed on the fact that just like BCCI, ICC elections are also held in an extremely transparent way.

An image from the video that showed Shashank Manohar distributing freebies

An image from the video that showed Shashank Manohar distributing freebies

“If there was ever a fairplay award for elections, BCCI would be on top of the list,” he said emphatically while speaking to a room full of media persons.

“What can I do if there was no one else to compete with? I was chosen unopposed. In fact, I was so upset with the fact that there was no one to compete with that we created two fictional characters: Shashank Kumar Manohar and Shashank Das Manohar. And then asked people to vote, so that there wouldn’t be any finger pointing later on. Come on these are not TN elections,” he said in an emotional tone.

However, our sources reveal that freebies were indeed given to members of ICC. A video that went viral on social media showed a senior member of ICC walking out of the ICC board room with a mixer-grinder.

Though allegations were seen flying all over the place, It was work as usual for  ICC governing council which has already started working on amending the constitution based on suggestions of new ICC chief.

“We cannot let unsubstantiated reports hamper our work. Speaking of amendments, there are a few notable ones such as 90% of all international matches to be held in India, Ravi Shastri to be team Director for all cricketing teams, Dhoni will finish the match irrespective of which teams are playing, captain of Indian team gets another chance to call the toss in case he doesn’t get it right the first time and there are more such amendments to come,” said a highly placed ICC official.

Although there seems to be very little chance that this issue may snowball into a controversy. ICC is looking to fall back on IPL’s popularity to blind the masses away from this issue.

Their only headache now remains a fiery news anchor who is reported to be taking keen interest in the news surrounding the freebies.

Donald Trump secretly worried that he may end up becoming President

New York City: Despite all the bravado in public, sources reveal that Donald Trump is a really worried man these days. Donald Trump is concerned that Americans may end up making him the US President after all.

Donald Trump

What the hell is happening

Speaking to faking News, a close aide of Mr. Trump said, “Well he entered the race because he thought it would be fun. He thought he will get a stage to insult politicians and journalists, something we all want to do. And boy did he do that handsomely, every politician from Republicans to the Democrats was rubbed the wrong way by the Donald. The plan was to enjoy insulting these guys for a couple of months and then drop out but thanks to the incompetent opponents, he kept growing in popularity.”

Donald trump is the presumptive Republican candidate after Ted Cruz and John Kasich suspended their campaigns. Recent polls show that he is making major gains against Hillary Clinton as well in national polls. This has made Trump seriously consider the possibility that he could be the next President after all.

“We thought people will appreciate that this is a guy out for some fun and at the same time promote his business. However, it seems people have taken him too seriously and with the momentum he has, he may end up becoming the President after all. That wasn’t the plan. We seriously underestimated how much our existing politicians suck”, Trump’s aide said.

While pollsters are still saying Hillary Clinton is favorite to become the President in November, Donald Trump isn’t relying on that now and has started devoting time to learn policy matters.

“He has to learn everything now since one can’t go the UN general assembly and call other world leaders crooks, liars and goofy. That sounds believable only when used for American politicians”, a political expert based in Washington said.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Tamil Nadu man wants All Of The Above (AOTA) instead of NOTA to get freebies from every party

Chennai: In a strange request received by Election Commission of India, a Chennai based man has requested them to replace NOTA option on the voting machine with AOTA (All of the above). The elections for the Tamil Nadu assembly are scheduled to be held on the 16th of this month.

Tamil nadu

All of them should become CM

The man, identified as Mr. Ganeshan, is a first time voter having turned 18 last year. Leading political parties across Tamil Nadu have offered plenty of freebies and subsidies to attract voters and Ganeshan wants to get hold of all the freebies offered.

“I am a responsible citizen and want to exercise my right to vote. However, I do not like the present politics and the politicians in the state, you see! So, I decided to vote for NOTA to express my pain to the EC and aversion towards hopeless democracy in our state. But then, I read the manifestos of all the political parties and saw the freebies all of them are offering. If I can get all that then I am set to start my new life as an adult”, Said Ganeshan.

Furthermore he said, “There is free laptop, free wifi, free rice, free Gold, free power, free water, cheap home loans, free clothes, free cow, free goat, free fans, free kitchen appliances, everything is free. We just have to find a way to ensure everyone is elected so that we don’t lose out on any freebies and AOTA is the best way to do it.”

“It is not just the freebies that will come after the elections; I have already taken money from every party’s campaign team to vote for them. Now I am an honest man and I don’t want to cheat anyone. Unlike a politician, we have to keep our promises so election commission should add that AOTA button to get me out of my current predicament”, Ganeshan added.

When we asked Ganeshan how much money has he been given by each party, he asked us for 5,000 Rs. to divulge that information.

To relate to all the memes and groups titled “You are a true 90s kid if”, boy decides to change his date of birth to the 90s

Mumbai: Shashank Awasthi, a 14 years old boy who was born on 29th January 2002 has decided to get his date of birth changed to 29th January 1992 . When asked the reason behind this decision, he said he also wanted to miss the 90s like thousands of others on the internet.

Even Peter Griffin is fed up of the 90s kids

Speaking to Faking News, he said,”Ever since I started using internet, I have been observing all these Facebook pages and groups titled ‘Only 90s kids will get this’ and ‘Only 90s kids will get that’, as if no kid has been born before or after the 90s. I wanted to be a part of that online group as well. Now that I will be a 90s kid officially, let me see what the fuss is about.”

When we asked whether he knows much about the 90s, he replied, “Oh yes, I have done extensive study on this. There was Sachin Tendulkar obviously. There was Govinda and his clothes. Chandarakanta and Shaktimaan were cool, Baba Sehgal’s tweets were known as the lyrics to his songs and candy cigarette was the only one that kids smoked. Thats pretty much the entire 90s.”

When asked why doesn’t he start his own page about kids of his generation, he replied, “Every smartphone, TV show, Video game and Superhero film already has an FB page. What else will we talk about in a Facebook page for our generation? Pages focused on the 90s kids show them playing outside a lot, what is outside? maybe we can do something there.”

When we asked how does he plan to fake his date of birth, Shashank smiled and said, “I will get a fake birth certificate by paying someone a little bit of money. Some things haven’t changed since the 90s.”

AAP leader Ashutosh offers to verify documents of UPSC toppers

New Delhi: AAP leader Ashutosh, who alleged that PM Modi had forged his mark-sheet, today made an announcement at a press conference  and offered to verify documents of all UPSC candidates for free.

Ashutosh busy with his verification

Ashutosh busy with his verification

At a press conference to bring out more incriminating evidence against PM Modi, Ashutosh deviated from the protocol and offered to help students who cleared UPSC exams with their documents.

“I am very happy with the results of the civil service exams. I too had appeared for the exams but couldn’t get through because of the typos in written test,” he said while indulging in some self deprecating humor.

“But jokes apart, the real test for these students begins now. When all the paperwork will have to be done. These bright students are going to be the future of this country and that is why their present needs to be validated. We have seen how so called leaders have misled the entire country with their forged mark-sheets. Such fraud people become PM of the country and people with genuine mark-sheet are forced to become CM,” he screamed.

Serpentine queues were seen outside Ashutosh’s house as students waited for their turn to get their documents checked. The AAP leader himself was seen surrounded by party workers with an OK stamp in one hand and a magnifying glass in other, furiously stamping documents that passed his stringent verification standards.

Many of those who cleared the process were seen coming out with happy faces. “To tell you honestly I wasn’t this happy when I found out that I topped the UPSC exams. The feeling is surreal. It’s not just an OK stamp from Ashutosh. It’s like an ISI mark,” said Tina Dabhi, who topped the civil service exams.

But there were some who in spite of doing well in the exams were not sure about their future.

Our reporter spoke to UPSC rank holder, who was happy with the result but looked anxious after he came to know about a discrepancy in his document. “I really don’t know how to react. Yesterday when I was going through my documents, I noticed that my name on my 10th marksheet is PramodKumar Ramkumar Dubey and on my 12th mark-sheet is Pramod Ramkumar Dubey. Now I am worried that 30 years from now if I reach a position of responsibility, Ashutosh can bring this up and ruin my career,” he lamented.  

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

After comparing Kerala to Somalia, Modi offends Keralites by saying Singapore is better than Dubai

Kochi: A day after raising a political storm by saying that infant mortality rate among STs in Kerala was worse than Somalia, Indian PM Narendra Modi has offended many Keralites again by saying that Singapore is better than Dubai.

Dubai

Dubai district of Kerala

Speaking at a political rally in the state, PM Modi remarked that Keralites keep heading towards Dubai when Singapore is a much better option. Modi went a step ahead and asked Keralites to learn from Tamils who prefer Singapore to Dubai.

There are nearly 3 Million Keralites in the Gulf with the largest number of them living in Dubai. As per experts, Modi may have ended BJP’s hopes in Kerala by implying that some other city is better than Dubai.

During his speech, Narendra Modi mentioned that Singapore has a better airport, better buildings, better planning, has greater social equality and is generally cleaner than Dubai. These comments haven’t gone down well with the Keralites who have long considered Dubai a holy place.

“First he says infant mortality rate in Kerala is higher than Somalia, which was ok, who knows it could be true. But then he said that our Dubai isn’t the best city in the world and then he asks us to learn from Tamil people? Why is he hell bent on offending us?” asked an irate Ratheesh, a resident of Kochi.

Another local resident Lijo John joined in and told this Faking News reporter, “What is Modi even talking about? Look at Burj Khalifa, Dubai Mall, Atlantis, Palm Jumeirah, how can Singapore match all these things? Malayalis have built Dubai through their sweat and blood and you can’t come here and start saying that some other city is better. Not if you want to win an election.”

“Since he doesn’t understand Malayalam, let me tell him in Hindi. Modi Ji, Singapore zindabad hoga usse humein koi aitraaz nahin lekin hamara Dubai Zindabad tha, Zindabad hai aur Zindabad rahega!” Lijo added.

Meanwhile, Kerala BJP has now requested Rahul Gandhi to campaign in the state to undo the damage caused by Narendra Modi’s Dubai remark.

Govt instructs engineering colleges to conduct preparatory course for aspirants who have no interest in football or GoT

New Delhi: Taking cognizance of various issues related to life an engineering student, ministry of HRD has asked all engineering institutes across the country to conduct a preparatory course/counseling session for incoming batch to prepare them for the grueling academic and social life ahead.

A prep course in progress

A prep course in progress

Speaking to Faking News HRD Minister Smriti Irani said, “Earlier we had prep course for students who were weak in Maths and languages to help them catch up with other students. But we have observed that student interaction goes beyond the four walls of the classroom. Many students from the previous batches suffered from depression because they couldn’t contribute to canteen convo that centered on football and GoT. So we are proactively taking steps to ensure that future batches don’t go through this problem.”

A circular was issued to all colleges with clear instructions to equip students with relevant GoT knowledge and a ready reckoner on football.

College authorities reveal that HRD Ministry’s efforts are yielding results already and there is a general sense of well being among students.

Ravi Iyer, a third year engineering student who has absolutely no interest in either football or GoT narrates how life has been difficult for him all these years in the college. “It’s not that I haven’t tried. Just so that I don’t look like a fool, I used to cheer for Manchester United without knowing anything about the team.”

“There was a time when I couldn’t differentiate a back pass from a free kick, but things are better now. Till I caught up with ‘Jon Snow is Dead’, that bastard was alive again. I was social pariah when it came to football and GoT conversations. But with this prep course I feel like I am ahead of the game,” he added candidly.

Our reporter visited one such engineering college to get a first had account of the prep-course. In a class room filled with around 100 students the instructor said ‘repeat after me Winter is Coming’, which was responded to by the entire class in unison.

Sources say that Ministry of HRD is planning to go a step further and localize the content so that having such prep courses won’t be necessary. “We are in talks with the creators of GoT and if everything goes well we might a few sanskari characters on the show.  Maybe Babuji would have a role to play in the battle of Winterfell,” said a source, trying best not to reveal any spoiler.

Struggling to fill paper with stories, Journalists request Bollywood couples to breakup

Mumbai: In a rare show of unity, journalists from various media organisations came together to appeal to Bollywood couples to breakup. This appeal was made after many media organisations reported that they are struggling to fill the space in the entertainment section of their papers.

Hrithik Kangana

Media needs more Hrithik-Kangana type stories

“During January we thought that 2016 is THE year for us. There was one breakup after another in Bollywood and we were pushing out stories by the dozen. However, all that has slowed down now and all we have is the Kangana-Hrithik story that we have already written about a hundred times. Since we want to serve something fresh to the readers, we need a new breakup or two”, said Mita, a senior editor at a newspaper.

“There is hardly any interesting movie releasing right now with everyone trying to avoid IPL season, there are no breakups, there are no fights between leading actresses, what do we put in the entertainment section? We can put some political news there considering how much they entertain people but that will be against the ethics of journalism so we avoid that”, Mita added.

It wasn’t just the print media that came together for this request; even TV news channels joined hands and appealed to celebrities to stop loving each other.

“Print guys have it easy, if there is no news then just place one more ad of a new housing project in Delhi NCR. How do we come up with news for 24 hrs? There is only a limited time for which we can show advertisements, we need news! Unless these guys start breaking up with each other, I am afraid we will have to end up doing shows on the actual issues concerning India. Now who would want to watch that?” asked an executive producer for a leading news channel.

Journalists have also clarified that the breakup must be of an actual couple. An Abbas-Mastan or Ranvir-Arjun Kapoor breakup won’t count.

BJP, Congress and AAP start their own universities to ensure every leader has a degree

New Delhi: After the recent controversy over Narendra Modi’s degrees, political parties in India have decided to start their very own Universities to ensure that every leader has a degree that is easily verifiable. BJP, Congress and AAP have already opened their universities and other parties are expected to follow suit.
In an exclusive, Faking News managed to get details of these Universities.

Modi

The VCs of these Universities

BJP University: This is the only university which is jack of all trades, but master of none. It has a couple of hardworking alumnus, who don’t know how to communicate. The top management of the university is always at loggerheads with the middle management. However, it has assorted specialisations. Professor Gadkari teaches organic farming, without wasting any water. Diplomacy skills of Sakshi Maharaj and Adityanath are world famous. If there is anyone in the world who understands importance of social media, it is Professor Shah. Arun Jaitley, who is known to be more favourite with the opposition camp, can be called the modern day Dale Carnegie.
Admission Criteria: 25000+ followers on twitter.
Noted Professors:

Narendra Modi: World geography
Nitin Gadkari :- Organic farming
Sakshi Maharaj and Yogi Adityanath:- Political correctness and creative writing
Amit Shah :- Social Media management
Arun Jaitley :- Diplomacy and HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

Congress University: – This University can put any big B-school to shame, only university in India that teaches students how to make money quickly. Entrepreneur Robert Vadra is not only a noted alumnus of this university but also a guest lecturer here. He can teach students a thing or two about property management and farming. If you can’t learn the art of making money from this university, most probably you can’t learn it anywhere.
Admission criteria: Naming everyone in Nehru-Gandhi family tree correctly.
Noted Professors:
Rahul Gandhi: – Professor of long term strategy
Sonia Gandhi: – Hindi language and diction
Robert Vadra :- Guest lecturer on farming and property management
Abhishek Manu Singhvi :- Audio Visual Communications
Manmohan Singh: – Oratory and the art of silent communication
Chidambaram: – Accounting and financial (mis)management

AAP University: This University specialises in mass communication, activism and advertising. It might be better than most C-schools (communication schools please don’t misunderstand). AAP’s personal Wren and Martin THE ASHUTOSH will teach English at the university, making it the best place to learn the language. Professor Kejriwal’s expertise in advertising can put world’s best media planners to shame. Somnath Bharti’s work in the field of women empowerment is well known; hence his lecturers on women’s rights will be enlightening for students. University also has guest lectures by Vishal Dadlani, Vishal will teach students how to be a part time activist while trying to manage full time work.
Admission Criteria: Ability to blame Modi maximum times during the interview
Noted Professors:
THE ASHUTOSH: Professor for English and Communication
Shri Kejriwal: Dharna Management , activism, and use of Social Media, advertising and mass communication
Somnath Bharti: Women’s rights
Vishal Dadlani: Guest lecturer on how to manage activism along with a full-time job.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Habituated with people making way for him, Bihar politician’s son found carrying rocket launcher while navigating Bengaluru traffic

Bengaluru: Bihar politician’s son, Honey Yadav who was on a 2 day visit to Bangalore, was detained by authorities after he was found in possession of a rocket launcher.

Honey Yadav's modified car for navigating Bengaluru traffic

Honey Yadav’s modified car for navigating Bengaluru traffic

Speaking to Faking News a senior official from the Bengaluru Police department said, “We got a message from one of our traffic constable at Silk Board that a person named Honey Yadav was driving with a rocket launcher that was mounted on a monster truck. Initially we thought it was some kind of promotion for a movie, but we later realized that the situation was serious after Mr. Yadav threatened to launch rocket on the entire traffic if it didn’t make way for him.”

Our reporter spoke to Honey to get his version of the story. “I am well aware of the traffic situation in Bengaluru. Back home I usually get people to move out if my way when I am driving. I carry a revolver just in case someone refuses to let me pass. I thought revolver wouldn’t suffice for the Bengaluru traffic. That is why I got a monster truck and this rocket launcher,” as pointed toward the launcher on his monster truck, without being apologetic about the entire incident.

Kaccha Yadav, Honey’s father and a senior politician in Bihar tried his best to hush up the matter. Bachon se galti ho jati hai. I remember when he used to play NFS he used to shoot at the computer screen if there were cars in his way. But at least he has not killed anyone in Bengaluru, then why are you media people blowing it out of proportion?” he questioned, secretly hoping that the incident wouldn’t be the focus of prime time debate.

Tamil Nadu politicians admit that they have run out of free things they can promise to voters

Chennai: With a week remaining for the assembly elections in Tamil Nadu, the politicians are really worried these days. The reason behind their concern is that they have run of free stuff they can promise to voters and are no longer sure what to say over the next week.

Tamil nadu

What else can they promise the voters

“There is absolutely nothing else we can promise them. We have already covered free mixer, free grinder, free gold, free electricity, free water, free goat, free cow, free laptop, free wifi, free fan, free food and free clothes, what is left? We can’t just tell the voters that this is all we have to offer and now wait for the polling day. We must keep on promising them more free stuff”, said a senior leader of a political party on the condition of anonymity.

When we asked whether they are effectively buying votes by promising all these freebies, the concerned leader got offended and said, “No, not at all. This is knowledgeable Chennai crowd; they can’t be swayed by freebies. In fact, we aren’t giving anything free to them. This is the reward they deserve for coming to the polling booth on the day of the election and saving democracy through their vote.”

As per sources, all the major parties in Tamil Nadu are going to meet at a secret location to come up with a list of things they can still promise for free to the voters. While some have proposed free tickets to Kabali, others have mentioned free trip to Singapore for every Tamil. Free tickets to all matches involving CSK was also proposed but later dropped when they were reminded that CSK is currently serving its suspension.

Meanwhile, AIADMK politicians have also expressed concern that they are running out of places to put Jayalalitha’s posters. “We will hire small airplanes to display Amma’s banners in the sky as there is no space left on the ground”, said a senior party functionary.

 

IT company scraps paternity leave, says ‘Bride Hunt’ leave makes more sense for their employees

Bengaluru: A Bengaluru based IT company, ForeverAlone Technologies, today announced that it will soon be scrapping paternity leave and instead introduce Bride Hunt leave to help their male staff find a suitable match for themselves.

Now go find that bride!

Now go find that bride!

The company announced that it will not only provide mandatory 1 month off from work for bride hunting, but will also try and arrange suitable matches to help streamline the process.

A close door meeting between the Board of Directors and top management of the company was held last week and apart from deciding the date of the next meeting, the management also decided to introduce this ‘Bride Hunt’ leave.

Speaking to Faking News, the HR Head of the company said, “We were looking to revamp our leave policy when we found out that ‘paternity leave’ was the most underutilized leave in our company. When we tried to understand the reason, we found out that most of the male employees still haven’t crossed the stage of finding the right match. Now we have decided to help our employees ”

A mail from HR dept to all employees regarding the new leave policy was met with much euphoria.

“Finally HR is doing something sensible. I have crossed 30 and still haven’t found a partner. Since I am working 7 days a week on these codes, I have no time to find a partner for myself on my own. Even when my parents tried to set up a match, it didn’t happen because I could never get a leave to go and meet the girl. But now thanks to this policy, I may get married before losing all my hair”, said Ravichandran. (Name changed to protect identity)

The GM of ForeverAlone Tech. Mr. Mirchandani revealed that they are also contributing to the fight against global warming through this initiative. “All the single engineers in our office refuse to go home till late at night. Even if there is no work, they keep downloading movies in the office. Now if they get married, they will leave office early and we will save so much electricity that we spend on lights and Air-Conditioning. This is our contribution to the fight against global warming.”

Meanwhile, the HR assistant at Forever Tech. has started sending list of probable matches to employees instead of usual email listing out the birthdays that day.