Faking News - leading news satire website of India: January 2015

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Congress recruits Paul the Octopus’ kin to predict a favorable verdict in the Delhi polls

New Delhi. Out of favor with the electorate, out of fear of a complete wash-out & out of sheer lack of any other option, Delhi Congress committee has taken to the tried & tested route to salvage some of its lost pride.

When opinion polls across the board have written the party off, as a last resort and some ingenuous creativity the party has brought on board Kaul, a great grandson of the great Oracle, Paul, the octopus to provide a constituency wise prediction of its chances of winning a seat.

Congress’ last ray of hope in the Delhi elections

The idea was a brainchild of Mr. Ajay Maken, the party’s face of the sporadic Congress one finds in the city. A spokesperson confirmed the news saying, “The opinion polls predicted gloom for the party, we needed to be like the ‘party with a difference’. Plus the accuracy of such polls are always doubtful, so Mr. Maken thought why not dare to think beyond such polls and in came the idea about Paul. Sadly, due to the unfortunate demise of the great soul, we requested the owner to provide us with someone from the same lineage. This is how Kaul has come into our office.”

Boris, trainer of Kaul laments, “This is such a futile exercise. I don’t know what am I going to teach this octopus. I don’t know who Paul was, I’ve been told to teach Kaul to dip into three jars of food containing flags of BJP, Congress and AAP & get him to develop the liking for Congress flag. These guys think since he has the same DNA as Paul, Kaul would be equally successful.”

BJP spokesperson Sambit Patra didn’t waste an opportunity to take a dig at Congress, “This is a proof of Congress being a dynastic party. Why could they not get Kamla, the cow for the job? We are a party with meritocracy & I assure you if and when we do get someone to predict, it will do a better job than Kaul. Do you need more proof than the results of the last election?”

Meanwhile, Arvind Kejriwal lead AAP has already released posters asking voters the question – Whose prediction do you think is more ‘HONEST’ – Kaul, the Octopus or Yogendra Yadav?

Friday, January 30, 2015

Friday faking release: Aa Gale Lag Jaa

Introducing Nawaz Sharif in not so supporting role.

After dropping Kohli to No. 4, Dhoni now wants talienders to open to add more solidity to lower-order batting

Perth. If reports from Indian dressing room are to be believed, Dhoni is not going to just stop at dropping Virat Kohli to no 4 position in batting order.

In order to bring more stability and solidity to lower-order batting, Dhoni is soon going to unleash his next card of opening the ODI batting with tailenders.

He is confident that not only this move will take the opposition by surprise, but will also add much needed weight to the batting in lower order.

Dhoni motivating Ishant “Beta tumse ho paayega“

“Our middle and lower order lacks depth, especially 10^th and 11^th position. I think these positions need more experienced batsmen,” Dhoni explained.

“And as you know I always reserve the best for the last when I am batting, I thought why not implement the same in the batting order as well,” he argued.

According to Dhoni, it was only after everybody criticized his move of pushin down to Kohli to no 4 position in ODIs, that he decided to once again get him back to his original No 3 position in today’s game against England.

“And well of course, the results are there for all of you to see. He failed at No 3 today with just 8 runs to his credit. So I would much rather have him fail at No 4 position than No 3, you see,” Dhoni pointed.

Right after Dhoni let the team know his thoughts in dressing room, Faking News saw both Mohammad Shami and Ishant Sharma hitting nets with renewed vigor and bating gear in tow.

“I just wish it was me myself bowling to me in the nets. It would have got me going immediately,” said Ishant as Rahane bowled to him.

Meanwhile with Shikhar Dhawan already displaying the batting form of a tailender, Dhoni may just have to shift one tailender to open with Dhawan.

“Also once Rohit returns from injury, tailenders can then go back to their original position,” Dhoni said assuring tailenders that they wouldn’t be bothered much.

Shikhar Dhawan to learn Michael Jackson moves to improve his technique on faster pitches

Perth. Just like a fish out of water, India’s swashbuckling southpaw, Shikhar Dhawan, is found stumbling on fast, bouncy pitches in the recent tours of England and Australia. Dhawan turned out to be a home turf bully who ruthlessly smashes mind-boggling centuries at home, But in seaming overseas’ conditions his technique is all at sea. With cricket’s biggest extravaganza just a month away, India’s team management is facing a race against time to improve his technique.

Practicing the moves.

“To hell with his scores,” shouted, the team director, Ravi Shashtri, in 150 decibels voice. “We don’t care as long as Shikhar plays with the right attitude. He twirls his mustache and plays aggressive, in-your-face brand of cricket. He is the torch-bearer of the virtues I once possessed in my playing days. Mark my words, he will make India a bullet side even before Bullet trains arrive in India.” Ravi Shashri clearly has his money on the Delhi Dasher who is struggling to put bat on ball. Other members of the team management, however, fail to echo his sentiments.

When asked about Dhawan’s form, Indian skipper, Dhoni said, “At this unfortunate hour, selector’s decision to include Shikhar in the world cup squad seemed to have backfired. But as I said on previous 2 Lakh, 96 thousand, One hundred and Thirty Five occasions, ‘Process is more important than result’. We’ll concentrate on the things we can control. Let the result take care of itself.”

Dhoni scratched his grey hair and cut a sorry figure. He resumed, “Dhawan is under a constant guidance of Yoga guru Baba Ramdev for meditation, he has been given excessive amount of Boost to rejuvenate his energy, special screenings of Rajnikanth movies have been arranged for him to make him believe, nothing is impossible, Sona Chandi Chyawanprash and Revital are given to him on a daily basis. Nothing seem to be working so far.”

The morale of the team is as low as the Challenger’s Deep of Mariana Trench. Indian team management, in unison with BCCI, have come up with #BailOutDhawan Twitter campaign. Thousands of well-wishers posted innovative suggestions to help Dhawan improve his technique in record time. An idea can come from anywhere, today it came from a low profile twitter handle who wishes to remain anonymous. Dhawan is set to learn Michael Jackson body moves to counter hostile fast bowling.

A statement from BCCI read, “Michael Jackson was one of the best performer of all time. Dhawan can learn a lot from his subtle movements. He is an aggressive player with good front foot position. It is his back foot defense technique which is under scrutiny. If he can learn ‘Moonwalk’, he can easily stay away from Mitchell Johnson out-swingers. Having the ‘Anti gravity’ technique in his armory can help him prevail over Morne Morkel bouncers. And the ‘Signature kick’ can prove vital against Malinga yorkers.”

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Pics: Obama still suffering from India hangover, found talking to people using Bollywood dialogues

US President Barack Obama, who earlier during his India trip had quoted SRK’s famous dialogue from the DDLJ, is till suffering from India hangover and has been found talking to people using Bollywood dialogues.

Faking News brings to you some of the incidents where we spotted him borrowing lines from the Bollywood:

Trying to be a good husband

Now, trying to be a an overprotective husband

Obama introducing himself at his daughters’ school

In Devdas mode

Obama at a charity fundraiser saying one of the most widely used filmy dialogues

Obama trying to flirt

Giving a piece of advice to Nawaz Sharif

Quoting Amitabh Bachchan at a restaurant

Obama loves to jog

Obama consoling a member of Saudi royal family after the death of King Abdullah

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Exclusive features of Obama’s secured toilet seat

Impressive

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Exclusive pics of Obama having some quality time in Delhi

US President Barack Obama took some time out from official functions and decided to enjoy Delhi as an aam aadmi. Here is what he did, as captured by exclusive Faking News cameras:

After a ride in Delhi Metro, becomes an aam aadmi instantly.

Becomes a true Dilliwala after few needlless brawls

Move over Eminem, Honey Singh is here

Performing Nagin Dance in a Delhi wedding

26th being a dry day, Obama getting high on a glass of lassi at Chandni Chowk

Having private moments with Michelle at a corner in Lodhi Gardens

And finally cancelling his Agra/Taj Mahal trip as he didn’t want to succumb to the peer pressure

North Korea buys rights of MSG, Kim Jong-un’s face to be morphed to Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insan

North Korea has taken notice of Gurmeet Ram Rahim and the state media is lavish in its praise for the many qualities, which the followers of maverick Indian godman Sant Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Ji Insaan claim he possesses. The state run council of films promotion has bought the rights for the movie for an undisclosed amount.

North Koreans particularly liked this pose of Papa ji.

The film to be titled “Hana Nuguui Mesinjeo Gananim” (One whose Messenger is God) will star the Supreme Leader of the country Kim Jong-un and be made a mandatory watch for all the citizens of this democratic republic. North Korea has also taken on lease some photoshop & video editing artists from Gumit Ram Rahim Singh’s studio who will morph the Supreme Leader’s face on to the Indian actor cum saint.

A spokesperson from Korea in a written reply wrote, “Gurmit Ram Rahim Singh is perhaps the only living being on the planet who comes close to matching the Supreme Leader in terms of possessing super human qualities whether in sports, intelligence or spirituality. After watching the film, we did realize, that advancement in technology will help us just translate the movie to Korean and morph Supreme Leader’s image as the content is pretty much the same as we want to use. All the goons will look like Americans as they represent the evil we want the world to be rid of.”

The Korean government has also launched an scheme where poor Koreans who watch the film will be provided with half a bowl of rice.

A spokesperson of Dera Sauda commented on development, “ We are extremely grateful to the North Koreans who have recognized the immense talent of Guru Ji. Kim Jong-un has personally invited Guru Ji to play Golf & go tank riding with him. This heralds a new age in India-Korea partnership.”

Gay activist arrested for beating his homosexual son black, blue and pink

New Delhi. Mr.Gayman, a South Delhi based social worker and a vehement gay activist, was picked up by the police in the early hours of 23rd Jan on the charges of ‘Assault’, for beating his son black, blue and pink.

The incident occurred in the late evening hours of 22nd Jan when the activist returned home to find his son in a compromising position with his neighbor, another young man of his son’s age. An imminent rage overpowered Mr.G and he grabbed whatever was available, impatient to wait for his weapon of choice, and thrashed his son black, blue and pink to add appropriate color to the conflict.

Mr Gayman with friends after finding sexuality of his son.

Faking News caught of with Mr.G, who is currently out on bail, for an account of the incident. To begin with, Mr.G recollected his early years as a prominent gay activist in the capital city and how it used to bring happiness to his otherwise meaningless life until the recent event of finding an active gay son at his own home.

“When I started supporting for gay rights, I thought Queer theory is in Physics and LGBT group is a refrigerator manufacturing company and I certainly did not know anything about the section 377 of IPC. Just that it was a fashionable thing to do in India and the support came from all quarters. The effect was such, I had changed my name from Rayman to Gayman. Indian courts can continue to illegalize an orientation change but cannot oppose a name change; Can they?” Mr.G smiled only lightly, given the grim circumstances.

Asked about why he got upset watching his son growing to become a homosexual, Mr.G spewed a venomous rage, which is seen only in Bollywood movies enacted by a seasoned villain when all his worldly possessions are destroyed by the hero, half his size.

“Difference between a dream and a fantasy. I have dreams about his life. He has fantasies. Being a good father, I am planning to give away 50% his dowry money for him to start a business. Now he has started acting on his fantasy, shattering my dreams, as if all this is none of my business,” Mr.G was close to tears as he was biting away the rage within.

“My son always acted against whatever I preached, all his adolescent life. So I was never worried about him becoming a homosexual. It backfired on this occasion. Completely surprised, when I queried him, in a rather civil moment, my son admitted about his favorite author supporting gay rights in India and it must be a cool thing and he just wanted to try. A father to father, a gay activist to another activist, I sincerely wish the damn author’s sons grow up to be gays,” Mr.G summarized.

“Gay activism is OK. But an active gay son is not OK. Active unmarried gay son is not at all OK,” Mr.G wiped his tears out, as the Faking News correspondent recorded every word of the sensational incident in New Delhi.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Five points which prove “Sources” are actually a form of God

“Source” in reality is a name given by media people to an unknown central power they believe in, just like God. Faking News brings to you five interesting facts about the Source which prove that he is almost a kind of God.

“I pray to Source everyday”

1. Nobody from media questions Source, even if they feel he was wrong in giving them information. They simply accept it as Source’s will, just like most of us try to convince ourselves calling it God’s wish, if something unexpectedly wrong happens with us. Wisdom of Source is unquestionable, just like that of God. The Source is allowed to take as many U-turns he wants to. It’s all about belief. Media guys have faith in the Source, and they think of whatever they say as Source’s wish.

2. Many in the media claim to have met Source, but they don’t have any proof to show. It’s almost like some saints who claim that they have met God, but have no proof. Truth is, nobody from media has ever seen or talked to the Source. Whatever they believe Source is telling them is actually what they think inside their head.

3. Just like human beings are doing worst things in the name of God, media guys say whatever they want in the name of Source. To a large extent, both God and Source are victim of their own followers. However, just like God, even Source doesn’t give much damn about those things and has never come forward to give clarification about the wrongdoings of his followers.

4. Just like God is the creator of the universe, Source is the creator of media industry. It is Source who is feeding those 24X7 news channels, as they keep showing breaking news revealed by Source.

5. Source treats every media person equally irrespective of which media house they belong to. Whether his follower belongs to a small time newspaper or to a big news channel, it doesn’t matter to him. All that matters is who is remembering him with greater love. Psychologically, Source is almost same as the God.

Friday faking release: Radio

Releasing 27th January, 11 am at radios near you.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

WhatsApp addict excited about desktop version of the app, found carrying his open laptop everywhere

Mumbai. Gautam Gupta, a long time WhatsApp user, super excited about the app’s newly launched desktop version, has been found carrying his open laptop wherever he was going.

Gautam says he just can’t take off his eyes from the browser. “The thing which I was doing on my mobile, now I can do that on my laptop too, this is so awesome,” an elated Gautam told Faking News adding that till now he has informed near 200 people about WhatsApp’s desktop version, “For a change, my mobile is lying inside my pocket while I am still chatting on WhatsApp. This is so cool and amazing.”

Get rid of mobile addiction

“It’s a really huge news for all those WhatsApp addicts who were bored of the monotony of wasting so much time on mobile. Being able to do the same stuff on a bigger screen is definitely going to add some extra fun to it,” Gautam further explained the reason why he was feeling so excited, “Doing WhatsApp on laptop is giving me a feeling of seeing my otherwise western wear loving girlfriend in traditional attire.”

Gautam even confessed of travelling in crowded Mumbai local with his laptop open. “It wasn’t that comfortable. But dude, the excitement of using WhatsApp on laptop was sufficient enough to motivate me from the inside,” he reasoned.

Revealing most important benefit of using WhatsApp on laptop, Gautam said that his mobile was getting a bit of rest.

However, if a close friend of Gautam is to be believed, by making himself too much thrilled about WhatsApp’s desktop version, Gautam is trying to get rid of his habit of constantly staring at “mobile” screen.

“Although it is pointless as he is trying to achieve that by replacing it with an even bigger screen,” commented Gautam’s friend.

Meanwhile, Gautam was spotted pleading a shopkeeper near Andheri station to allow him to charge his laptop.