Faking News - leading news satire website of India: 2014

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Year’s resolutions of various celebrities and entities

Faking News got around collecting New Year’s resolutions from various Indian citizens, establishments, political parties and the government. Find out:

1. BJP took a vow that the future election manifestos will have fine prints, disclaimers and a provision for U turns.

2. ‘I will not fix a spot for myself in the batting order. Enough of spot fixing fiascos in the past years’ a few in Team India swore, after a couple of vodka shots.

3. Idea Cellular has taken a sober decision to learn from IIN and to fire the creative department of theirs.

4. An Indian Chief Minister in exile has vowed to buy a revolutionary remote control that combines the features of Old Mumbai and Erstwhile New Delhi models, to monitor the latest entertainment in the state.

5. Yesteryear’s top scoring batsman vowed not to receive any award where he is required to speak. His fans took a similar vow to watch the cricketer only in a cricket field and not in front of a microphone.

6. PMO vowed to launch new campaigns which do NOT require Infrastructure and Waste Management systems in place; the new campaigns are to be picked carefully which would require only photo shoots.

7. Bollywood, Kollywood, Tollywood and Sandalwood super stars vowed to make a movie called ‘100 crores club’ each, for the fans, to be in a 100 crores club movie, in the first show itself.

8. HRD minister vowed to take additional charge as the first cabinet minister for MOA (Ministry Of Astrology) even as Ramesh Pokhriyal vowed to challenge the scientific reasoning behind the selection.

9. BJP top brass vowed to convert all the congressmen, while BJP, as a party, vowed categorically to oppose all forced conversions.

10. Congress vowed to contest elections only in states where they have Zero footprint, to make it easy to defend the electoral results, thus by disabling media to report any further decline.

11. Government planned to emigrate Indians to Swiss and France in large numbers. If black money does not come back to India, Indians will go to places where black money is stashed away.

New Year resolutions of Manmohan Singh

12. Erstwhile BCCI chief vowed to stay away from any kind of law as much as possible. Be it Cricket law, Indian judicial law (or) Son-in-law.

13. Delhi based real estate businessman vowed to ask the question “Are you Serious?” only in ICU rooms and not to journalists.

14. Arnab Goswami vowed to reduce his decibel level by at least 10%; if not medically possible, to use technology to achieve the same.

15. IIT toppers vowed never to go to US for jobs. By mistake if that happens, to implement the secondary vow – never to return back to India.

16. Indian cricket team vowed not to play any tests in foreign countries, especially Australia.

17. India vowed to have more open diplomatic meetings with Pakistan even as Pakistan took a vow to have more closed door secret meetings.

18. Maria Sharapova vowed never to return to India. If that happens by sheer misfortune, never to make the mistake of talking about a sport that is not played in more than 10 countries as fulltime members.

19. Indian public vowed not to sell their vote for money unless the highest bid looks really lucrative and in line with the growing inflation.

20. Unauthorized educational institutions took a vow to announce a 10% discount on the capitation fee for the students below poverty line, until the institutions are authorized by the government.

21. A techie from Bangalore vowed to quit smoking as many times as Mark Twain did in his lifetime.

22. Indian lyricists vowed to write more about Red Planet and less about Moon as a tribute to Mangalyaan.

23. The Ministry of Tourism vowed to announce an ‘Indian Elected Tourism’ as a competition to existing ‘Indian Election tourism’. In the new scheme, only the ‘Elected’ will be eligible to tour the rest of the world.

24. Mumbai Suburban Trains vowed to introduce additional charges towards ‘Adventure Rides’, during peak time travels.

25. Best selling Author vowed to write and publish a new book printed on toilet paper and leave a few pages blank for more hygienic usage. Indian youth vowed to read on come what may.

Top 10 twitter reactions to Dhoni’s retirement

Faking News brings to you how top personalities on Twitter reacted to Dhoni’s retirement. Find out:

Shivraj Singh Chouhan – Madhya Pradesh CM

Arvind Kejriwal

Digvijay Singh

Ashutosh from Aam Aadmi Party

Rajdeep Sardesai

Subramanian Swamy

Salman Khan

Jackky Bhagnani

Maria Sharapova

Sushma Swaraj

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Facebook wall of MS Dhoni after he announced retirement from test cricket

The sudden retirement meant that Indian team did not get chance to bask in the glory of a rare test draw.

Dhoni wanted to retire immediately, that’s why I called off match with 4 overs remaining: Australian captain

Melbourne. Soon after MS Dhoni announced his retirement from test cricket, Australian captain Steven Smith revealed that this sudden urge of retiring stuck Dhoni’s mind while he was playing his today’s inning.

As per Smith, that was the reason why he called off third test with four overs yet to be bowled. Reportedly Dhoni disclosed his maddening desire to retire immediately when 7 overs were remaining.

“Ek baar jo mood ho gaya, phir main kisi ki nahi sunta“

“It wasn’t like I didn’t try to convince Dhoni to hold this feeling for few more overs. But, he was in so hurry that he even threatened to hit required runs to win in last overs. When I looked into his eyes, dude, he was looking damn serious,” Australian skipper told Faking News.

A terrified Smith started negotiating with Dhoni and finally managed to convince him to hold his urge for next 3 overs.

“I asked my bowlers to perform their best in the next three overs, as that was all we had,” Smith continued. But to his disappointment, none of Australian bowlers were lucky enough to pick wickets.

After reaching the deadline offered by Dhoni, Smith tried to conduct a final round of negotiation and involved Ashwin too, who at that time was at the other end.

“I thought they were CSK buddies, so he might listen to him,” said Smith, adding that Ashwin almost begged in front of Dhoni to not retire, “But nothing worked and finally I called off the match.”

Sunday, December 28, 2014

BJP leaders feeling like sales professionals after being given target of Mission 60+ for Delhi elections

New Delhi. If reports are to be believed, Delhi BJP leaders have started feeling like sales professionals of the party after the party president Amit Shah unveiled his ‘Mission 60+’ for the upcoming assembly elections to be held in national capital.

The Delhi BJP unit which was mentally prepared for a target of Mission 36+ was reportedly shocked at such a high figure, which they had not imagined after J&K and Jharkhand election results.

Chilling like true sales heads after giving an improbable target to the team.

“I have seen such kind of highly implausible targets being set only for sales professionals,” argued a BJP leader.

“Why leave those 10 seats also?” he asked sarcastically, “Its like telling a person to watch Humshakals and then asking him to stop after he has finished watching 90% of the movie.”

However it is not just the huge target that has got BJP leaders feeling like sales guys, but also the manner in which Amit Shah seemed to have exhorted them to achieve the figures.

“Like a typical sales head, he has very easily asked us to move out on field in this chilling winter, forcing us to on outdoor campaigning and door to door meetings. This is so much like cold calls that sales guys are pressurized to do by their bosses,” said another sitting BJP MLA.

“And all this while Amit ji himself munches on samosas sitting in the party headquarters,” the MLA added.

According to sources, the Delhi BJP unit did protest and in their argument pointed towards how the party suffered embarrassment in J&K after failing to achieve only half of their Mission 44 there, but Amit Shah did not budge.

“For a moment we thought if we were being briefed by an IT Project manager,” revealed a senior party leader.

Meanwhile Delhi BJP unit is already planning to rope in Indian batting star Virat Kohli in their team, in their bid to chase down Mission 60+.

“After all it’s a team work,” said a BJP leader, as he hoped to play the role of Rohit Sharma in the Delhi BJP unit while Virat goes about chasing Mission 60+.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Friday faking release: Holiday

Sanjay Dutt’s tryst with Yerwada jail.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Karnataka launches riverwater.com to sell water at discounted rate to politicians

Bangalore. The Karnataka government today launched riverwater.com, a one-stop solution to the decades old river water dispute with the neighbouring state.

The website will be exclusively accessible by the citizens of Tamilnadu, another state in India, and not a separate country. The inaugural offer boasts of free registration and 10 litres of free water for an order of 1000 litres or more.

For sale

“We are very proud of the rust-free pipeline that has been installed throughout Tamilnadu – Our supply chain for the website,” the spokesperson told Faking News.

There are 3 classifications of users to the website. 1. Farmers 2. General Users 3. Politicians/Power users. The per litre rate is lowest for the politicians and about 20% hike in the rate for general users and for the farmers, a nominal 50% hike in the rate.

Explaining the pricing model, the Karnataka spokesperson said, “Farmers are our foremost customers and we intend to make maximum money out of them. At any rate, pun intended, we all know that the water bought by politicians will be distributed to farmers. Are they not fighting for water for their farmers for decades now?”

“We are not playing politics here. It is simply business. By this pricing model, we encourage farmers of Tamilnadu to ask the politicians to buy the water at a special discounted rate and distribute in their respective constituencies.”

“Within hours of launching, there were a few thousand registrations from farmers and about a thousand from general users. Only two registrations from politicians; and it was later learnt the two bulk orders were for: One to Poes Garden and another to Thailapuram gardens, residences of the political leaders. The Garden name was used just to disguise that the order was made for farmers,” the spokesperson sounded incredulous and a little irritated that the website lost large sums in profit.

Answering to “Can farmers have access to internet?” the spokesperson said, “We thought about it and are consulting with IIN. They will surely come up with an idea, laughable or not.”

Meanwhile, the Tamil film fraternity has upstaged a protest for ‘Acting’ to be included as an option for Power Users, with no-expiry option set: After all, our super star is 64 and still has not shrugged off young hero roles, you know.

“We are in the e-commerce to do water business, not to be confused with our user base as to figure out who is acting and who is playing politics,” a worried riverwater.com official told Faking News.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

After PK starring Aamir Khan, JnK starring Omar Abdullah released

The semi-nude poster of Aamir Khan for PK had created sensation, which is now being repeated with the latest political movie JnK, which shows the condition of Omar Abdullah after the assembly elections.

JnK

Monday, December 22, 2014

Hindu group insists that chair is offensive after some Muslims declare table offensive

Mumbai. A table and a chair kept outside a restaurant have become the center of controversy after they were deemed hugely offensive to respective religious sensibilities by groups of Muslims and Hindus.

It all started when the national convener of Al Muslameen concluded that the table kept outside the restaurant Bharat Lunch Home in Andheri was deeply offensive to Muslim sentiments and against Quranic teachings.

“The table was round but had three legs. This is deeply offensive and designed on purpose to insult Muslims,” Akbaruddin Khan, the national convener of Al Musalmeen told Faking News.

Some experts have concluded that HDF might have got angry after realizing that the Hindu chair was not as big as the Muslim table

Faking News didn’t ask Akbaruddin the logic behind his statement as that would have been against logic.

As soon as Akbaruddin came up with the statement, Al Musalmeen members called the restaurant owner and asked him to remove the table by this weekend, failing which the entire restaurant could be blown up.

Although the media decided to downplay the threat by Al Musalmeen, the picture of the table and chair was posted on internet by some local residents.

And that’s when members of HDF – Hindus Devoted to Fury – noticed the chair and found it hugely offensive to Hindu sentiments.

“Will the restaurant owner dare insult Muslims by placing a similar chair?” asked one “Deshbhakt #HDF” asking Bharat Lunch Home to immediately remove the chair and apologize to Hindus all over the universe.

When asked why was the chair offensive to Hindu sentiments, Deshbhakt #HDF shot back, “Did you ask the same question to Muslims? Just because we don’t blow up restaurants you will ask us such baseless and derogatory questions?”

Many other users of social media, who identified themselves as proud Hindus and members of HDF, too demanded the chair to be removed but the table to be retained outside the restaurant, failing which they would take legal action.

“We Hindus have tolerated all this nonsense for a long time!” claimed another self-declared member of HDF, “Hinduism is a tolerant religion and we are tolerant people. But we will no longer tolerate any chairs till the Muslims oppose tables.”

“We are not cowards. We can throw stones at the restaurant too!” the member added.

Meanwhile some people claiming to be secular and liberal wondered why the chair should be removed.

“Removing the table makes some sense because you need tables inside the restaurant not outside, but this is absolutely ridiculous to demand that chair is removed too. Chairs are used to wait outside restaurants. It will make no difference if the table is removed, but it will be fascism if the chair is removed,” claimed the “liberal” person.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Engineering student develops app that tells how much to study for desired results

Indore. How long before one should finally open the textbook and close the laptop has always been a dilemma for students cutting across campuses and courses.

Students have often struggled to solve crucial questions like “should I watch this last movie I had downloaded last night before I start studying today?” and “I think I can skip the last chapter and still get good grades thanks to relative grading” but now they can look forward to some help.

A third-year computer engineering student at local Babli Technological Institute has developed an application that can now tell students when to pick up and open the books, and how many hours to study before they can go back to downloading movies or checking out Facebook feeds.

“See, it’s all about planning,” explained Ramesh Kala, the student who developed the algorithm and app, “Everyone might not want to go to US for higher study or work in an investment bank, and so everyone doesn’t have to invest the same hours of study. You invest based on what returns you expect, isn’t it? My app asks people to choose returns i.e. how much CGPA they are targeting, what job they desire, etc. and then it tells them how much and when to study.”

One of the most basic features of the app is to calculate hours required to study based on the current grades or marks of a student.

“Yes, most of the times they are inversely related,” Ramesh revealed.

This is how the algorithm for the application was developed by Ramesh

But the app tells a student more than just that. Apart from your past academic grades, you have to sign in with your social media profiles and it tells you even the best time of the day when you should study.

It analyzes your tweets and Facebook posts and comes up with a solution. For example, if you have been compulsively posting messages about cricket or Bigg Boss, the app will work out a study schedule that doesn’t clash with cricket matches, TV programs, movie releases, favourite politician’s rallies, or possible time of selfie posted by girls in the social network.

“In over excitement and due to over confidence, many students plan to study at a time when they just can’t. They soon get distracted by these things and end up unprepared for exams. Now these problems will be things of past,” Ramesh claimed.

This app, also being branded as “academic investment planner” by Ramesh also predicts what future colleges a student may get in and the kind of salaries one may attract based on various inputs and data collected from various users.

The only thing it can’t predict is whether and when will one get a girlfriend or boyfriend.

“I study in an engineering college so I couldn’t get enough data,” Ramesh told Faking News when asked why his app doesn’t cover this aspect.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Friday faking release: Dhoondte Reh Jaoge

Find the missing Vadra-DLF deal files if you can.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Nirmal Baba to bailout Spicejet, opposition parties oppose the deal

Chennai. In a surprising move, Spicejet announced today that it has signed a bailout deal with Nirmal Durbar. A radiant, beaming, haloed Nirmal Baba was also present at the hurriedly arranged joint press conference.

Addressing the conference, CEO of Spicejet declared that they decided to go to Nirmal Baba with the faith that God helps all those who are spurned by everyone. As the saying goes, “गरीब‌ का आखिरी सहारा ईश्वर‌ ही हॊता है”.

Later, Nirmal Baba addressed the media and held forth, “Only God can save the aviation industry was the constant refrain of the experts and we decided to prove this hypothesis. Now the powers ‘that be’ would show their ‘kripa’ on the airline to bail it out of its present, precarious situation.”

Nirmal Baba to bail out Spicejet

He continued, “As the Nirmal Durbar business model shows, money is not the most important thing in the world. Even small, day to day, mundane things like a samosa, a piece of cottage cheese, a banana, a red handkerchief or even a blue underwear etc. can give comfort, solace and happiness to the troubled human beings. We would apply this business model to increase business for Spicejet, make huge profits and turn it to number one airline in the universe.”

“Though we cannot disclose our strategy for obvious reasons, I can give you some insights into our problem solving techniques.”

“For example, Spicejet is finding it difficult to convince bankers to provide finance for its operations. Our templates would easily find out whether it would be green mint sauce or a yellow mustard one which would induce the bankers into giving in. These methods work on supernatural powers, bankers are just human beings. These sauces have the power to even mess up with the accounts of our debtors thus wiping out our dues from their books.”

“We can apply similar techniques on finding out as to how will the customers change their search preference to the highest fare instead of the current lowest one or how to motivate the state governments into giving incentives on usage of aviation fuel, instead of taxing it heavily.”

The reporters quizzed the promoters about the conflict between their atheist ideology and this tie up with a religious baba, the Spicejet promoter was categorical, “We have always believed that faith and business should never be mixed or it creates a conflict of interest. If you do, you end up being a Srinivasan, who is answering some tough questions posed by Supreme Court, even on the choice of a son-in-law.”

A managing editor in a media house who is known for his secular credentials, was not enthused by the development. He held forth, “This is yet another example of right wing spreading its tentacles and grabbing a pie in yet another, important part of our secular country. After attempting to saffronize history, education and immigration policies, it is another brazen attempt to saffronize business.”

“Neither the unsuspecting promoters of the airline, nor the business community at large, realize that this is a direct attack on the idea of India.”

Later in the day, a general secretary of the National Secular Party tweeted, “Will babas run businesses now? Will the flights take off with invocation of Gayatri Mantra? Why not Azaan? Will PM Modi answer?”

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Average fresher level salary in IT industry to remain 3 lpa till human civilization comes to an end: Report

Bangalore. If a report published in a leading business magazine is to be believed, average fresher level salary in IT industry will remain 3 lakh per annum, till the human civilization comes to an end.

The report has been written by a group of researchers studying why the average salary figure is stuck at 3 lpa since ages.

“But 3 lpa sounds cooler than 4 lpa”

“One of the most interesting reasons justifying the static figure I got was from Narayanshankar, the CEO of IT giant Dinosys. He said, it was an ongoing social experiment,” lead researcher Aniruddh Banerjee said while talking to Faking News.

As per Mr. Narayanshankar, he is very fascinated to see how good Indian engineers are at adapting themselves.

“Even after several years, while prices of everything else kept shooting up, freshers are still able to manage in the same salary package. Isn’t it amazing? I have full faith that they will be able to do it even in 2500 AD,” read the report quoting Narayanshankar.

Naraynshankar is hopeful that in distant future, by surviving comfortably in just 3 lpa, young Indian engineers will achieve status of the God.

“Just like once Jesus feed a group of five thousand using only five loaves of bread and two fishes, I am expecting our engineers to perform miracles in future,” read another one of Mr. Narayanshankar’s quotes from the report, which explains why he wants to keep the salary figure 3 lpa.

Harsih Gupta, a top executive of another tech biggie LCS, which is a famous mass recruiter revealed a different reason.

“We want to bridge the generation gap which our current employees would otherwise face in future with their children. For example, many fathers often that they started their career with Rs 500 per month or Rs. 1000 per month, while their children are starting with 3 lpa. Now imagine, even children of the children starting their career at 3 lpa. It would be so cool,” said an excited Harish Gupta, who has recently managed to suppress the demand of rise in fresher level salary in his company.

“And frankly, nobody minds. Starting your career at 3 lpa after finishing engineering is now a part of Indian culture and we are determined to preserve it, till the world ends,” Harish Gupta concluded.

Even new tech companies are contributing a lot to keep the 3 lpa figure intact, however each have their own reasons.

“There is something in this phrase ‘Three lakh per annum’. It attracts people towards itself. Those who have salary of 2.85 lpa tell their neighbors that it’s 3 lpa, which is industry average, even neighbors know that. And those whose salary is 3.25, automatically get three lakhzoned by their neighbours, even after specifically saying 3.25. Such is the power of this phrase and that’s why I love it,” explained CEO of a mid sized IT company Teenlakhiya Technologies.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Techie teaching Googling skills to his new born son so that he learns to walk and talk of his own

Bangalore. Javesh Chaturverdi, a techie and a father to a newborn boy is teaching his child how to use Google search engine, so that his son learns to walk, talk and do other things on his own.

Javesh has named his four month old baby boy – Googlesh, and has even started tutoring him basic typing.

All what your kid needs.

“I still remember when I joined my first company as a junior software engineer, all I knew was googling, that’s all. Then down the years, because of my excellent googling skills, I climbed up the ladder of success and today I am a team lead,” Javesh said while explaining what prompted him to take this decision, “I am a Google made man, and so will be my son.”

All Javesh is planning to teach Googlesh is googling, nothing more.

“This is what my college taught me, exactly what I needed, nothing less, nothing more. So, me and my wife have decided to not teach Googlesh anything other than googling. We are sure that once he will start googling, he will learn everything on his own,” Javesh continued, adding that learning things on his own will make Googlesh more independent and strong.

Remembering initial years of his career, Javesh revealed how his senior colleagues used to give him a cold shoulder when he needed their help in coding.

“But it was Google which was always there for me. No matter how many times I repeated the same silly question, it replied with the same zeal without giving any disgusting facial expression. I think, as a dad answering random questions of his son, I would never be as cool as Google. At some point of time, I will definitely get pissed off,” said a sentimental Javesh rooting for Google.

“Let Google be his dad and mom. I am sure once Googlesh grows up, Google will be a better father to him than me. You know, certainly he will not be asking me how to kiss a girl, but he can ask Google whatever he want to,” Javesh concluded.