Faking News - leading news satire website of India: June 2013

Saturday, June 29, 2013

“Can we start taking bribes because we are secular now?” ask Bihari babus

Patna. Bureaucrats in Bihar have asked the government of Bihar to allow them to indulge in enhanced levels of corruption and bribery as the ruling alliance was fully secular now.

“It is an established rule in our country where unchecked corruption is tolerated to keep communal forces out of power. A citizen is expected to pay ‘secular premium’ in form of bribes,” a senior secretary working with the Government of Bihar claimed.

“Now that the communal forces are out of the ruling alliance in the state, we should be allowed to indulge in corruption,” the senior secretary argued.

Maybe Nitish Kumar hadn’t seen such challenges coming in after becoming secular

Sources tell Faking News that a group of bureaucrats are planning to meet Chief Minister Nitish Kumar early next week and ask for a “green signal” for indulging in advanced corruption.

“We are pretty confident of positive response from the CM as he can’t say no to any ‘green’ thing, else he could be termed as a ‘communal’ person,” the secretary claimed.

Experts believe that Nitish Kumar, though priding himself on providing sushasan (good governance) to the citizens of Bihar, could yield to babus’ demands because he is reported to believe and trust bureaucrats more than even the workers of his party.

“Bureaucrats of Bihar would rather prefer a corrupt RJD rule where they can loot earn a lot more, so Nitish Kumar may not have any other choice,” a political expert analyzed the situation for the Bihar CM.

Experts further point out that after the break-up of the ruling NDA alliance, Bihar had become like another Uttar Pradesh with RJD and JD(U) being similar to BSP and SP in local politics.

“We had earlier seen that SP’s Shivpal Yadav had openly told the state bureaucrats that ‘they can steal but not be dacoits’, Nitish Kumar could start with a similar statement,” the expert suggested.

Nitish Kumar was unavailable for comment because he was busy checking if Google auto-complete had started suggesting the term “secular” when the phrase “Nitish Kumar is” is typed in the search box.

Google approves the secular credentials of Nitish Kumar?

And he was happy when the reports last came in.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Standard format for political posters finalized

In a move to remove confusion while designing billboards for any political event e.g. rally, thanksgiving or just-like-that, the two biggest political parties of India have agreed to adopt a Unified Billboard Code (UBC). These design standards will be adhered to by the various national, state and district level organizations of these political parties.

Political leaders often suffer heartburn after finding their faces in smaller-than-expected sizes or even missing from the billboards put up during political events. This leads to weakening of the organizational fabric and, in some extreme cases, defection to the Aam Admi Party.

As illustrated below, the entire billboard or newspaper ad area shall be apportioned into Fixed and Variable levels. The relative sizes of each level have been standardized and shall not be changed under any circumstance:

Design of our democracy

The usage of India’s national colors have also been specified as follows:

Saffron (Eternal Sunset): to be used for departed souls, who are benevolently blessing every shenanigan of the party.

White (Cleanliness): to be used for the current Teflon-coated Dynasty and senior most party leadership.

Green (Greenhorns): to be used for the honhaar virbaan (emerging youth leadership) of the party. The foot soldiers, the crowd organizers, who also happen to pay for the billboards and ads. Specific instructions have been given not to address them as ‘Investors’

The UBC has even gone to the extent of exactly specifying the facial directions of various leaders and the direction of supplicants’ hands folded in prayer lest the blessings miss them by.

The Unified Billing Code shall come into force before the upcoming 2014 General Elections.

Employers to deduct “accessibility fee” from men flirting with women in office

Mumbai. Accounts and HR managers from various companies have agreed to make a major policy change that follows from the the observed practice of office romance and flirting.

“We realize that many young men, sometimes old men too, whom we hire, tend to treat the office as a dating zone. They eventually save membership fee that online dating or matrimony websites charge,” a senior accounts manager explained.

A representative picture of what could be workplace romance, now an additional source of revenue for the companies.

“This is a service that the workplaces are providing for free, and there is nothing wrong if we start charging for it,” the manager told Faking News.

“At least we are not banning office romance altogether, as it is done by many companies in the west!” an HR manager jumped in to justify the latest corporate decision.

According to the new rule, women working in any organization would be asked to “rate” men working with them as “Gentleman”, “Hottie”, “Bore”, or “Cheapo”. Those rated cheapos by the majority will have an “accessibility fee” deducted from their salaries.

“The only way such cheapos can hope get near any girl is by begging her out for lunch/dinner, buying gifts, etc. We are making girls accessible to them, that too in air-conditioned premises with free coffee vending machines. They must pay up for these services,” management explained the rationale.

These companies, whether in IT, manufacturing, or media sectors, would be further adding service tax on the accessibility fee deducted from the salaries. Experts believe that cheapos could have almost 15% of their take-home salary deducted after the new rule is implemented.

When asked why only men were being brought under this new law when even women could be using such services as well, the management termed the question “sexist” and claimed that their decision was approved by relevant activists.

While women have welcomed the decision, men are divided. Those men who fear being rated as cheapos are opposing the decision while those who are hopeful of being rated as hotties are demanding that the salaries deducted from cheapos be transferred to their accounts.

Digvijaya Singh has a suggestion to strengthen the rupee

They are trying their best, according to their sources…

But they haven’t taken the best step, according to Digvijaya Singh.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Dehradun residents end up in Hyderabad after the rescue efforts of Andhra politicians

Hyderabad. In a bid to increase the number of people rescued by them from Flood-hit Uttarakhand, politicians from Andhra Pradesh ended up taking several residents of Dehradun to Hyderabad with them. A group of 50 Dehradun residents are currently stranded in Hyderabad after being taken away by these politicians who had gone to Uttarakhand for rescue works.

This news comes right on the heels of the news of a fist fight between Congress and Telugu Desam Party’s politicians over providing assistance to pilgrims from Andhra Pradesh stranded in Uttarakhand. The wrestling match between them ended in a tie so they are now trying to beat each other in the number of people rescued by them.

Concerned politicians coming to blows over the plight of stranded citizens

Speaking to Faking News, one of the stranded people, Atul Bhandari said, “Sir, I work at the Dehradun airport. Some people came and offered me 1,000 Rs to sit inside a plane for a few minutes. They said they will just click some photos and let me go, next thing I know the plane took off and I ended up in Hyderabad.”

“On board the flight, I found out that there were several others like me who were promised 500 to 1500 Rupees to get on board the aircraft. After reaching Hyderabad, we were paraded in front of the waiting media at the airport who clicked several pictures of the ‘recued pilgrims’. The politicians left after the photo session, leaving us behind at the airport. Now, we don’t have the money to book a flight back to Dehradun and are stuck here!” Atul went on to say.

When we raised the issue with a local politician in Hyderabad, he said, “There must have been some confusion. We were rescuing every person who looked in the need of a rescue and there may have been some mix-up in one or two cases.”

When we asked whether the competition between political parties is affecting rescue work on ground, he said, “There was no competition between the political parties to take away more people from Uttarakhand. Yes there was a scuffle at the airport but you should not politicize the fight between two political parties.”

When asked whether they are making any arrangements to send these people back to Uttarakhand, the politician said, “We have already hired a charter plane to send these people back to Dehradun. We are just waiting for someone from high command to come and flag off this plane.”

Pakistan stops printing fake 500 rupees notes due to falling value of Indian rupee

Islamabad, Pakistan. Indian Rupee’s relentless fall against the US Dollar has claimed yet another victim. Pakistan based printing presses, which were earlier printing fake 500 and 1000 rupee Indian notes, have decided to stop printing the 500 denomination due to rising costs.

These currency notes were used by Pakistani government to fund terror in India.

“The weakening of the Indian Rupee against the Dollar means it’s no longer financially viable for us to print 500 rupee notes,” said Yasin Anwar, governor of the State Bank of Pakistan.

Even Pakistan has downgraded the Indian currency

“A few years back, an INR 500 note was worth US$12.5, but now its value is just $8.5. At the same time, costs have gone up because of rising paper costs, rising HR costs as employees, fearing terror attacks, leave Pakistan as soon as they save some money, and general inflation,” Yasin explained.

“The rate at which it is falling, I wouldn’t be surprised if the 1000 rupee note also becomes unviable soon,” he told Faking News.

“If we just wanted to print another worthless paper currency, we could have printed the Zimbabwe Dollar, or even the Pakistani Rupee!” he added in obvious frustration.

“Please, please, stop this fall,” was his desperate and passionate appeal to the Indian Finance Ministry.

“Weakening of their currency against the dollar is a diabolical plot by the Indians,” said Hafiz Saeed, mastermind of the 26/11 terror attacks and head of Lashkar-e-Taiba, “This just shows that these evil hateful Indians will go to any length to hurt the economy of Pakistan.”

“You look like a RAW agent!” he angrily told this Faking News reporter, when he tried to quiz him on why Pakistan was printing Indian currency.

Meanwhile back in India, current Finance Minister and the erstwhile Home Minister P Chidambaram claims that this was a well thought out plan to defeat terror.

“Furthermore, you don’t have to double check every 500 rupee to ensure that it is not a counterfeit currency. And even if it turns out to be fake note, you don’t lose as much as you were losing earlier!” Chidu further elaborated the benefits of the falling rupee.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

New symbol for Rupee after it slid below 60 against US Dollar

Rupee has been sliding and not stable of late

Times of India does a Rambo, claims to reach 1 billion people

New Delhi. The Times of India, one of the leading newspapers of India, has claimed that its circulation numbers inside the country have reached 1 billion mark.

“Times of India lands in Indian homes, reaches out to 1 billion Indians” claimed a report published 3 days back. The headline was shared and celebrated by many ToI fans, but questions were raised soon after.

Times of India: now available on stands, but can’t take a stand.

“How can an English paper reach 90% of the Indian population when English is spoken by less than 10% of literate population?” wondered an expert on statistics, linguistics, literacy, newspaper distribution, geography, and politics of India.

Open letters to the ToI editors were written and an online petition was started asking for clarification of numbers claimed by the newspaper.

It’s not known if such letters and petitions had any effect, but a follow-up story was published in the newspaper that said – Leave ToI, even Rambo can’t reach 1 billion people in India.

The second report blamed spin doctors of newspaper distribution market for the 1 billion figure, but didn’t explain why the claim was made in the first place.

An additional article was published in the same newspaper with elaborate mathematics to explain why 1 billion figure mark could be impossible to attain by any publication in India, even by Faking News.

“Chhod na yaar,” a Times of India official said when asked how the 1 billion number was arrived at.

“Will pay 3 lakhs if visa is guaranteed” migrants react to new UK visa policy

Chandigarh. Though it has been panned as racist, the British Government’s move requiring a 3,000 pound bond for potential visitors to UK has found support from an unexpected quarter – potential migrants. Long cheated by human smugglers and visa agents, these people now see an easier way of getting into UK. And cheaper to boot.

“I can’t see what the fuss is about?” says Joginder, a villager from Punjab, who spoke to us waiting in a queue outside a travel agent’s office in Ludhiana, “Last year, my cousin brother paid five lakh rupees to a human smuggler to take him to the UK, and he had to spend 1 month inside a dark container with 20 others. The worst part was that he didn’t even reach UK. The group was dumped in Greece where they were arrested and deported back to India. I think the British government’s scheme is much better and cost effective.”

Singer Daler Mehndi was accused of charging 4.5 lakhs rupees for a fake foreign trip six years ago. Migrants cite such rates to claim that the UK government is not charging too high.

His friends, who were also in the queue with him, nodded in agreement.

Aspiring NRIs from other states also voiced support for this move, with many requesting other governments to follow suit.

“I don’t know about British government being racist, but when will the Gulf countries adopt a similar scheme?” asked Sankaran, an electrician in Kochi hoping to migrate to the Middle-East.

Meanwhile, Indian government and business associations, who have slammed this move as discriminatory have found support from an expected quarter – the Human Smugglers Association of India.

“Like Obama took away IT jobs from Bangalore, Cameron is taking away our jobs from Bhatinda!” protested Aya Ram, CEO of Hawai Kabootar travel agency, “You tell us, who will use our services if British government undercuts us with a cheaper rate?”

“Plus, it is a bad business decision – our research suggests that a visa to UK is worth much more than 3,000 pounds to a potential visitor. This goes completely against the legacy of late Ms. Margaret Thatcher,” he added.

When told about the financial problems of the British government, he softened a bit though, “If they want money, we can give them 3,000 pounds for each parcel we bring in, no need for return, no questions asked. But why the need for such steps?”

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Michael Jackson fans celebrate singer four years after death

Politicians protest pilgrims interrupting their aerial surveys by occupying helicopters

Dehradun. Politicians from various parties have come together at Dehradun airport to protest against the excessive use of helicopters by the stranded pilgrims in Uttarakhand. These politicians are upset that their aerial surveys of the flood-hit Uttarakhand state have been frequently canceled because the helicopters were not free.

Speaking to Faking News, a representative of the politicians said, “See, these aerial surveys are very important to maintain the secular fabric of the country and we haven’t been able to put in as many surveys as we want because the helicopters are always busy. They are either full of rations for the pilgrims or they are full of pilgrims themselves, when will we get to ride?”

These were always meant for VIPs

Another politician present at the scene said, “We are answerable to the public which has elected us. Tomorrow with what face will we go and ask for votes if we go back from here without doing any surveys? All the time you hound us saying we don’t work and now when we want to work, you don’t want to give us the helicopters. We can’t be seen as sitting idle! Rival party’s minister got 9 minutes on primetime news today, I got only 2. I have to make up those 7 minutes within next 24 hours.”

“It would have been better if we had gone to Europe like some senior leaders. We are wasting our summer vacations here and aren’t even getting the opportunity to do something for the people,” the upset leader concluded.

Some politicians were present at the site with their entire families in tow. As per sources, they had promised a free helicopter ride of the Himalayas to their kids and were upset that they weren’t able to fulfill their promise.

Politicians from almost every political party were present at the protest site. The unity, generally reserved to oppose Lokpal bill or shown during BCCI meetings, was on full display as leaders from different parties backed each other’s demand for more helicopters for politicians.

When we asked an Indian Air Force officer how did it feel being a citizen of the country and ferrying VIPs, he said, “Feels similar to what that guy must have felt who carried a TV journalist on his shoulders.”

Monday, June 24, 2013

IRCTC announces ‘stand-in-queue-to-book-tickets’ service

New Delhi. In an innovative step that will generate employment and ensure service, IRCTC has announced a new tatkal ticket booking system that won’t hang at the last minute.

“After unending complaints about ‘service unavailable’ and ‘connection error’ troubles, we have been able to figure out the problem – internet,” an Indian Railways official told Faking News, “Therefore, we are reducing this dependency on internet for booking the tickets and going back to tried and tested way of booking tickets – standing in the queue.”

“No, no, you don’t have to physically stand in the queue. You can still book tickets using your IRCTC login and at the comfort of your home,” the official clarified.

Such rail reservation counters will see a lot of activity in coming days

As per the new system, an IRCTC user will have to enter details such as travel route, date of travel, class of travel, and choose a particular train, before he is taken to page that would list ‘volunteers’ who would stand in the queue to book tickets on behalf of the user.

“These volunteers will be employed by the Indian Railways and the IRCTC website will list their ‘success rates’ in booking tickets – similar to success rates shown currently for payment gateways,” the IRCTC official explained.

The volunteers will charge ~~commission~~ premium for their services, which will include waking up early in the morning, running to the nearest railway reservation counter, booking the tickets successfully, and delivering it to the user’s address.

“Volunteers belonging to the weaker sections of the society will be able to jump the queue and charge higher premium for his or her services,” the official underlined how the government’s intervention will bring fundamental changes to the original system of standing in the queue to book tickets.

The official further revealed that Indian Railways swill retain a portion of the premium to meet the operational costs of the IRCTC website.

“Ummm… yes, you may say so,” the Indian Railways official reluctantly conceded when this reporter wondered if this didn’t amount to regularizing touts and unauthorized agents.

“But this is not so shocking. Government regularizes even unauthorized colonies built by builder mafia. We are merely trying to help people and not endangering anyone’s lives!” the official justified the decision.

“It also solves the problem of too many people logging in the IRCTC website as soon as the tatkal window opens. The real rush will be offline – among the volunteers, while a user can place his order for tickets anytime at his or her convenience.”

“And look at the brighter side; anyone can become a tout… errr… I mean, a volunteer now. This will create jobs for the youth. We are calling it Rahul Gandhi Railways Swayam Sevak Yojna,” the official said.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Queen Elizabeth to abdicate throne for Sir Ravindra Jadeja

London, UK. After being knighted without the Queen’s intervention, Indian all-rounder Ravindra Jadeja is set to become the King of England (and the United Kingdom) if India wins the Champions Trophy.

“Finally England will have a new emperor, but it won’t be Prince Charles, who will continue to wait for his turn like LK Advani in India,” a royal spokesperson confirmed the development.

“Sir Jadeja will become King Jadeja if India defeats England in the finals of the Championship Trophy. Her Highness has herself signed on a declaration promising the same,” the spokesman announced to a shocked audience.

From Chennai Super Kings to being the English King?

Sources confirm that Buckingham Palace is already being decorated to welcome Jadeja as India are favorites to beat England in Sunday’s match.

“Fresh packets of Dhokla and Phaaphda have been ordered from Mr. Patel’s shop in Downing Street, while a guest room is being readied to host MS Dhoni, who is most likely to accompany Sir Jadeja during the coronation,” a source told Faking News.

It’s not yet known what inspired the Queen to make such an announcement. Some experts feel that this could be a trick to inspire and encourage English players to give their best during the finals and save the crown, while others feel that the Queen is giving the throne the rightful heir.

“After it was revealed that the Royal Family had Gujarati origins, it was fair that a Gujarati was given the throne; and who better than Sir Jadeja?” argued an expert.

But the going could not be so easy for Jadeja as rules stipulate that the emperor of the England must swear religious allegiance to the Church of England.

“Sir Jadeja doesn’t follow any religion and he is rumored to be having a religion of his own with millions of followers worldwide. He is not eligible to rule us,” protested a local citizen, who further feared that Big Ben could be renamed as Moti Ben if Jadeja became the emperor.

However, fans and followers of Ravindra Jadeja, including those in England, reject such claims.

“This is not any problem for Sir Jadeja. People opposed even his presence in Indian team; today all of them have been silenced. These people too will be silenced and our lord will now rule the world,” claimed a Sir Jadeja fan.

“It is his destiny, no one can stop him,” claimed another fan, “If Narendra Modi is NaMo, Ravindra Jadeja is clearly RaJa. He is just officially being confirmed.”

Friday, June 21, 2013

Disappointed with Twitter, boy goes back to adding girls on Facebook

Ghaziabad. Having joined Twitter with high hopes of “following” and befriending girls, whom he could take out for coffee, Ranjan Prasad today declared that he had given up on the mission and is going back to Facebook to meet the target.

“Twitter is hopeless. Girls don’t reply or ‘follow you as friend’. Worse, they re-tweet your friendship requests and people start laughing at you,” Ranjan shared his frustration with this Faking News reporter.

Ranjan tried everything – complimenting girls on their DPs (display pictures), tagging them in Sir Jadeja jokes, and googling answers to questions like ‘why is everyone so boring today?’ and tweeting the link back to the girls – but nothing worked for him.

Ranjan considers his days spent on Twitter as the darkest days of his life

The only “girls” to follow him were offering him free job alerts, links to random blogs, and asking him to click on spam links. A desperate Ranjan even tried to engage with such girls, asking their age and city in which they lived, but soon realized that they were fake.

“The real ones never followed back. In fact, I got blocked by one girl who called me a jerk; Facebook was better where many girls chat with me,” the 19-year-old rued.

“I know some of those Facebook girls could be boys in reality, but there was this girl called James Priya whom I followed on Twitter. She too turned out to be a guy,” Ranjan added, “There was another girl, hopefully a girl only, called Sonali whom I followed. Once I told her she was cute and I was immediately called a Congress agent! Twitter is beyond me!”

After following 829 profiles, 813 of them being of girls, and sending out 5664 tweets, 5598 of those being to these girls, Ranjan deactivated his Twitter account earlier today to channelize all his energies towards finding girls on Facebook.

“Facebook has removed ban on me sending requests so I’m going to make new friends now,” Ranjan declared as he signed into his social life.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Army could be called in to rescue falling rupee and economy

New Delhi. Latest reports coming from various cantonments suggest that the soldiers in Indian Army have been asked to study textbooks on economics, finance, markets, etc. because they could soon be called in to take control of the Indian economy.

“The immediate task could be to rescue the falling rupee, though we are yet to be officially communicated,” an army spokesperson told Faking News.

Army is usually called in when civilian efforts fail or a natural disaster strikes. The government is sure that the current economic crisis falls in one of these categories, but not sure which one.

Citizens are wary of the move, but they think the situation can’t get worse.

However, sources in the government confirm that the government is sure that it would need army’s help in getting the economy back on track as most of its other attempts appear to be bearing no fruit.

“The phrase ‘Army called in’ appears to enthuse more confidence in people than phrases like ‘Government assures’, ‘RBI announces’, ‘Don’t buy Gold’ etc. so we thought we could try this trick as well,” a source in the Finance Ministry explained.

“No, no, we are not imposing army rule over the nation by calling the army to help us with economics. We’d continue to be a democratic country and lathicharge those protesting this move,” a government source clarified.

Experts too believe that such a step could prove to be more effective than other steps taken by the government.

“To be fair, the government did try to think out of box. The Finance Minister tried to change the behavior of people (by asking them not to buy gold) to impact the market conditions instead taking the usual approach of changing the market conditions to impact the behavior of people,” an expert pointed out.

“Even the upgrade by Fitch last week didn’t seem to have helped the sentiments, so maybe ‘Army called in’ could help,” the experts added.

Back in the cantonments, army men are trying their best.

“It’s all very confusing, now I know why our Prime Minister appears so lost and spaced out,” Lance Naik Ram Bahadur Singh said after his fifth Economics class in the last two days.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Rahul Gandhi wins Hide-and-Seek game on his birthday

New Delhi. It’s just a few minutes before 19^th June i.e. ~~PappuDiwas~~ birthday of Rahul Gandhi comes to an end, but no one knows where exactly the young Vice President of the Congress party is.

There were rumors of him being in Spain, but since it was suggested by Subramanian Swamy on Twitter, there was confusion if Spain referred to a country or some code-word like TDK, CRT, PT, et al.

Rahul Gandhi is expected to come out victorious soon from his hiding

However, towards the end of the day, the Congress party clarified that Rahul Gandhi had planned an elaborate Hide-and-Seek game (also known as Luka-Chhupi in Hindi) on the occasion of his birthday, and he had won the game as no one could find where he was hiding.

“Just another achievement by Rahul Gandhi ji,” declared a spokesperson of Congress party in an exclusive interview to Faking News.

Sources confirmed that many took part in the national game and tried to find Rahul Gandhi during the day but they couldn’t spot him anywhere except in tweets by fans and haters alike.

“It is not easy to outsmart Rahul Gandhi ji,” senior Congress leader Digvijay Singh said, “The fact that he won against the whole country proves that he’s ready to lead the nation.”

Earlier, Rahul Gandhi was reported to have won Ludo and Snake-&-Ladders games, but those involved only two players in private settings. This is the first time Rahul Gandhi has won in public.

However, BJP is not impressed.

“This is a fixed match. Congressis are playing amongst themselves. The truth is that Rahul baba is hiding because he’s afraid of NaMo,” claimed a BJP supporter on Twitter.

“I congratulate Rahul Gandhi on winning the game. He should ignore the haters,” Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar said responding to comments by BJP supporters.

“Objective” statement in the résumé gets applicant the job

Mumbai. In the first of such a case reported anywhere, an HR manager was so impressed with the “objective” statement written on the top of the résumé that he immediately hired the candidate for the job.

The HR manager couldn’t resist the magical temptation of “To use my skills to the full potential with utmost quality assurance and to align myself with the professional growth and goals of the organization with which I seek a long term career and relationship” and right away called the candidate to confirm his employment.

The manager searched for keywords in the résumé and found them in the job objective statement

“Yes, come and join us tomorrow. We are assured of your quality. Use your skill. Align yourself,” told the manager on phone to a stunned Rahul, who had applied for the post of sales executive in Datarocks Private Limited.

Rahul had copied the ‘objective’ statement from the résumé of his friend, who was rejected for the same job last month. His friend too had copied it from someone else’s resume, it seems. Preliminarily investigations couldn’t ascertain the origin of the legendary objective statement.

However, the statement, which had been copied-pasted like a Rajinikanth joke on everyone’s profile, finally worked for Rahul, who got the job offer purely based on the cryptic sentence.

“Oh no, no interview is needed. You can take charge tomorrow,” the impressed manager told Rahul, who couldn’t believe his ears and luck.

Recruitment experts and college placement cells’ chairpersons confirm that this occurrence is as rare as a management consultant completing a project without opening Microsoft PowerPoint even once.

“But I welcome the development; this would encourage students and job seekers to invest more time into writing original and meaningful ‘objectives’ on their résumés,” an HR professor from the leading management institute of India told Faking News.

“What the hell! People actually read those?” reacted an MBA student from the same institute, “Next what? They would locate and contact the clubs listed under ‘extra-curricular activities’ to confirm if I was a member of!?”