Faking News - leading news satire website of India: April 2013

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Chinese intruders fight with each other over which IPL team to support

Ladakh (still in India). Members of the People’s Liberation Army of China, who have intruded almost 20 kilometres into the Indian territory, are now nicely settled and fighting over which IPL team to support, latest reports suggest.

“Since Arunachal Pradesh doesn’t have any IPL team, Chinese were confused over which team to support. This led to minor skirmishes as soldiers divided themselves into groups supporting different IPL teams,” a source confirmed.

When Faking News visited the area intruded by the Chinese army, some soldiers were indeed in IPL mode. Our reporter could see some of them dancing to “jumping jepang” song while others talked in a language that sounded like “gilli gilli aaw”.

Pune supporting Chinese soldiers reacting after watching Chris Gayle’s innings

However, some experts claim that since the Chinese soldiers didn’t face any resistance from India, they chose to fight among themselves to keep themselves on toe.

“They might have thought that the Indian strategy was to not react at all and induce them into inaction, and thus blunt their fighting spirit,” a defense expert claimed, “To avoid that, they decided to fight amongst themselves.”

But not everyone agrees.

“They are watching IPL as they have got nothing else to do,” said a strategic analyst, “They are simply another set of jobless people who are now stranded in India. And in India, if you are jobless, you do one of these things – watch IPL religiously, become an expert on Narendra Modi, or ask everyone to like your Facebook page – they chose the first option.”

Meanwhile, the government of India has taken note of the development and has issued a statement as part of the longstanding foreign policy.

“The Chinese are supporting local cricket teams, which proves what the Prime Minister had earlier said, that this is a localized problem,” Foreign Minister Salman Khurshid said, “We are hopeful that this problem would be resolved amicably by May 26, when IPL ends. Let’s wait and watch.”

Friday, April 26, 2013

CBI fully independent, chose the A4-size paper for printing all by itself

New Delhi. All rumors and criticism about CBI working under pressure and interference from the union ministers were laid to rest today when it was known that top CBI officers didn’t wait for any green signal from any cabinet minister to choose papers for printing their reports.

“No one told us which brand and type of paper should be used. In fact, we decided to use A4-size paper even though the default setting in our printer is that of letter-size,” CBI Director Ranjit Sinha claimed.

CBI Director denied that these were clean chits to be distributed among concerned parties.

The CBI Director revealed that choice of paper was not apolitical and this independent act by the CBI couldn’t be dismissed as being a trivial one, such as giving clean chits.

“Dude, only you reported that Rahul Gandhi was fond of making paper boats,” Sinha pointed out to this Faking News reporter, “Since then, everyone in the government has been ordered to use paper that are easily folded and turned into paper boats or planes. But we acted independently and chose the size and type of paper all by ourselves.”

Sinha was responding to criticisms over CBI sharing the status report on Coal Scam with the PMO and two union ministers.

“In the age of social media, we shouldn’t feel bad over sharing,” the CBI Director justified the act, while reiterating that the investigating agency was fully independent.

“Furthermore, everyone knows that the Law Minister only checked for grammatical errors, and it was needed because of MS Office suite had started malfunctioning and Shift+F7 was not working,” Sinha revealed and claimed that the act by CBI was totally a ‘digital’ and ‘social’ one.

“Prime Minister doesn’t speak much, but he ‘likes’ all our activities on Facebook,” Sinha further revealed, “To reciprocate, we are planning to re-tweet what PMO tweets.”

Sinha refused to deny or confirm that his last statement (about re-tweeting) was about reports on various scams.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Worried about a possible ban, guy watching porn continuously for last 100 hours

Meerut. Ramesh Kumar, a second year student of Ghaseeta Ram Engineering College has been watching porn movies continuously for the last 100 hours. Ever since his room-mate Vijay told him that internet pornography may get banned, he hasn’t come out of his room and is watching porn movies stored on his computer.

Recently, A public interest litigation (PIL) had been filed in Indian Supreme Court seeking a ban on Internet pornography and making the watching of it a non-bailable offense.

First three years of engineering education. The last year is devoted to MBA preparations.

Speaking to Faking News, Ramesh’s friend Vijay said, “Last week I mentioned to him that watching porn may soon become a non-bailable offense, he immediately excused himself, went to his room and switched on his computer. He hasn’t come out of his room since. It has been 100 hours now and we haven’t seen or heard from him. Only sound we hear outside his room is of porn movies being played inside.”

When we asked how he knew that these sounds were from porn movies, Vijay just smiled and said, “Sir, don’t insult engineering students. We can tell by looking at a CD whether there is porn in that CD or not.”

For these four days, the only one who has heard Ramesh’s voice is the college canteen owner, Billu Halwai. Billu told us that Ramesh has been calling him on his mobile and asking for 1 Paneer Butter Masala, 3 Butter Rotis, 1 Coke bottle and few tissues at regular intervals of time. The food and the tissues are delivered to Ramesh’s hostel room.

Ramesh is not the only one worried about a possible porn ban, several students shared their anxieties with us.

“This is getting ridiculous. First they told us not to consume booze or weed and now they say don’t watch porn. What kind of education system is this?” said Phoon Sukh, a first-year mechanical engineering student.

Another student, Samrat Sharma said, “I spent my entire first year downloading porn in the hostel. I even had to buy 3 external hard disks to store it all. Now I have 2 TB of porn and I may not even get to watch it all? This is against our basic human rights.”

As of now, many students are silently speaking against it but a protest at Jantar-Mantar hasn’t been ruled out either.

Meanwhile, a prayer meeting was held in the common room of boys’ hostel to pray for the health of Ramesh Kumar.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Rival IPL team to get one over of Chris Gayle batting

Mumbai. After what Chris Gayle did to Pune in Bangalore earlier today, BCCI has decided to make IPL an evenly contested tournament and give level playing field to the rival team by giving one over of batting by Gayle.

“The rival team will bat only for 19 overs and the last over – we are calling it the Gayle Equalizer – will be given to Chris Gayle so that some respect and sense is retained in the final scorecard,” IPL chief Rajiv Shukla announced.

Gayle could also be asked to give some smiles to the bowlers of the rival team to distribute smiles evenly

Sources confirm that the Gayle Equalizer has been introduced so that IPL doesn’t come under the scanner of the Competition Commission of India as Gayle’s batting makes a mockery of a healthy competition.

“There was a lurking danger that IPL could be dragged to the courts for monopolistic and restrictive trade policies that arise due to Gayle’s batting. IPL didn’t want another government body running for its neck after receiving income tax notices,” a BCCI source revealed.

However, experts believe that all this is a smokescreen and BCCI has introduced this new feature for making IPL more attractive and lucrative.

“All this talk of restrictive and monopolistic trade practice is bullshit,” a corporate affairs expert claimed, “Chris Gayle’s acts could be either termed ‘Act of ~~Sir Jadeja Sachin~~ God’ or ‘Force Majeure’ such as ~~GayleStorm~~ gale storms, for which no legal liability can be imposed.

“People will die to see an extra over of Gayle’s batting and this will only push up IPL’s TV ratings,” the expert further claimed, “And they will surely earn extra by selling sponsorship rights for the Gayle Equalizer; electronics company GE will be approached I guess.”

Experts predict that this is just the beginning and IPL may introduce a mandatory over of Gayle’s batting in each and every IPL match, so that the West Indian batsman’s full potential is realized before he turns 40 or decides to retire.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Sachin Tendulkar critic retires from asking Sachin Tendulkar to retire

Mumbai. Lakshman Guha, one of the staunchest critics of Sachin Tendulkar and someone who holds the world record for writing more than 3,000 columns, blog posts and tweets in the last three years asking the batting genius to retire, has retired.

“I cannot take the pressure anymore,” he said, addressing a crowded press conference in Bangalore on Sunday, April 21, three days short of Tendulkar’s 40th birthday. “I am fighting a losing battle. I think the time has come to put my pen down.”

Sachin saying goodbye to his critic

Guha, 35, said he wants to retire from asking Tendulkar to retire so that he can pass on the baton to someone younger, someone with better reflexes and who can hound the little master at post-match press conferences, IPL after-parties and commercial endorsement sets across the world.

“I am fatigued,” Guha said. “I stalked Sachin everywhere since 2010, but the pressure of travel and filing columns, blog posts and tweets got to me. I think someone younger can take my place and carry on this rich tradition for at least three more years.”

The cricket writer warned the younger generation, however, that it too may be on the side of a lost cause. “I cannot discourage you enough,” Guha said, when a young 24-year-old reporter from a national daily asked him at the press conference whether he could take on the role. “Even though I fervently wish someone has the energy and the stamina to take on this onerous task, cricket writers and critics have just not got it in them to take on the might of Tendulkar; whether it is writing in newspapers, blabbering on TV or sharing opinions on Twitter.”

About his critical tweets, Guha said, “I just could not take the abuse on Twitter anymore. You write one thing against Tendulkar, and those @sachin_rt-wingers swoop on you like vultures. If I wrote about his second-innings record, they would abuse me with first innings facts. If I wrote about his captaincy, they would scream me down with his patriotism and how he wears the tricolour on his helmet.”

He said Tendulkar made his Test debut in November 1989, and even after playing for more than 23 years, has not shown any inclination to retire from Tests and the IPL. “I can singlehandedly take the credit for his One-Day International retirement in December 2012,” a teary-eyed Guha said. “It was a rare victory and is testimony to my relentless pursuit of just one mission.”

But when it comes to Tests and IPL, there is just no progress in sight, Guha said. “He just won’t retire, so I did. Tell me, what else should I’ve done,” he said, raising his arms in the air in desperation.

(Sachin, the author of the above report, tweets here)

Friday, April 19, 2013

Son of Congress leader takes his father’s “clean chit” to exam, fails

New Delhi. Clean chits are not always relieving. Sometimes they can turn out to be disastrous too. In a similar such incident, son of a prominent Congress leader took his father’s clean chit to his examination hall, mistaking it with his ‘nakal chit’ or cheat-sheet, and had to return leaving his answer-sheet as clean as the chit he had carried.

The “clean chit” was issued to the father by a central investigating agency probing serious corruption charges against him. But it got mixed up with the cheat-sheet that was being prepared by a team of senior bureaucrats to help the son with his exams.

The clean chit that didn’t help the next generation

“Senior bureaucrats help senior politicians with such household works to get promotion and plum postings, and rewards post retirement,” a government source explained.

As a result of this blunder, the usually meritorious son failed the examination. His failure was confirmed by sudden CBI raids on the rented apartment of his examiner in the wee hours of Thursday, after which he was arrested in a disproportionate assets case.

The charge framed against the examiner – a schoolmaster – is possessing a second hand scooter, affording fuel for which is quite disproportionate to what he could save from his meager salary in these times of inflation.

“The charges against him are very serious, and we suspected that he may have hidden much more inside his house,” a CBI officer told Faking News.

When confronted with questions while being shoved into the police van, the accused denied the charges against him.

“I buy the petrol for my scooter from the money I earn by giving tuitions at evenings. And what would I hide inside my home when I cannot afford to hide my greying hair with some dye, thanks to mehengaayi daayan!” lamented the schoolmaster defending himself.

The schoolmaster’s defense is reported to have been rejected by the CBI and the accused is unlikely to get a clean chit unless he agrees to pass the junior Congress leader ignoring the latter’s blank answer-sheet.

Monday, April 15, 2013

After lions, SC asks Gujarat to move Ravindra Jadeja to another state

Ahmedabad. In a second blow to Narendra Modi in the same day, Supreme Court directed the Gujarat government to move Ravindra Jadeja out of the state to make sure cricketing talent was evenly distributed across the country.

Earlier, the apex court had asked Gujarat to transfer some lions to Madhya Pradesh – an event that was seen as a ‘Blow to Modi’ by some news channels.

Everyone wants Sir Jadeja

“Gujarat can afford to give a few lions to Madhya Pradesh, but we won’t let Sir Ravindra Jadeja go anywhere,” declared Jignesh Jadeja, all India President of Sir Jadeja Fan Club.

Currently, the all-rounder is playing IPL and representing Chennai Super Kings. Following the court orders, he could be transferred to Delhi Daredevils, currently lying at the bottom of the points table.

“This is in line with inclusive growth that the center supports and welcomes the court decision. We will facilitate Sir Jadeja’s transfer to Delhi Daredevils,” IPL chief and Congress leader Rajiv Shukla told Faking News.

But sources confirm that the decision could be opposed not only by the fans of Ravindra Jadeja, who are growing exponentially with each passing day, but also by political parties belonging to Gujarat and Tamil Nadu.

“This might cause Gujarat and Tamil Nadu to come together and oppose Delhi,” analyzed a politics-cum-cricket expert, “The only difference is that earlier when they came together, chances of a Gujarati going to Delhi had increased, while this time they will come together to lessen the chances of a Gujarati going to Delhi.”

Sunday, April 14, 2013

CBI asked to study history of Nitish Kumar

New Delhi. After Bihar Chief Minister and Janta Dal (United) leader Nitish Kumar gave clear indications that he could dump NDA if BJP didn’t dump Narendra Modi, Congress has started working on a plan to bring JDU into the UPA fold.

“Bihar could turn into another Uttar Pradesh if BJP-JDU coalition breaks. Lalu and Nitish would become Mulayam and Mayawati of Bihar. Lalu is already there, Nitish needs to be brought in,” a Congress party source confirmed.

Nitish Kumar gestures after CBI failed to find any case against him on day one

As a first step towards that, the party has asked the CBI to study the past of Nitish Kumar and find out a way through which he could have a future similar to Mulayam Singh Yadav and Mayawati – two of the most trusted organs of the UPA’s life support system.

Faking News found this out after our reporter caught a senior CBI official reading the Nitish Kumar article on Wikipedia. Initially the official claimed that he was passing time on internet, but his lies were nailed when a Google Talk message popped up on the laptop screen.

“Yaar, why the hell did the court reject the petition against Nitish in the Fodder Scam last year? Now we’d have to work on weekends too!” read the message sent by someone named “Boss” on the CBI official’s contact list.

After further probing by this correspondent, the CBI official conceded that they were asked “from above” to give a “special status” to Nitish Kumar.

“Normally we go after people who could turn rogue for the UPA, but this is a special case where we are going after a person who could turn rogue for the NDA, that’s why a special status,” the official clarified.

When asked if they could find anything, the CBI official said that they were working towards it.

“It’s going to be a bit tough. Media hasn’t reported much about any misgovernance or corruption in Bihar. We did find a couple of news reports critical of his government, but soon they were replaced with headlines such as – Nitish takes a dig at Modi again – and the news reports subsequently vanished,” the CBI official shared his frustration.

“We might get in touch with Katju sir,” the official added.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

IIT Bombay declared a Wildlife Sanctuary

Mumbai. To solve the issues of leopard sighting and increasingly weird lifestyle of an engineering student, the government has decided to convert IIT Bombay into a Wildlife Sanctuary.

“People can enter the campus and watch the wild engineers, exotic birds, domestic animals, and if they get lucky, they can spot a leopard too,” declared the newly appointed Forest Officer at IIT Bombay Anjan Aiyar.

Engineering students of India are known to have Ravindra Jadeja like superpowers and authorities believe that tourists will be willing to pay to watch these nerds in action.

A leopard mimicking posture of an engineering student after a daaru party

“We have students who skip meals and survive only on sutta-chai , students who are trying to fit GPS kits into underwears, students wearing banyans that have holes in shape of Venn diagram, students who pronounce ‘LOL’ while laughing in real life… and many more forms of life that inhabit this sanctuary,” Mr. Aiyar made a pitch for the latest wildlife sanctuary of India.

“And of course, PhD students are there too!” he added.

When asked what will happen to the scholastic pursuits of the students if the campus is turned into a sanctuary, Aiyar clarified that the decision won’t have any adverse impact on the careers, if any, of the students enrolled in various courses.

“The sanctuary will be open for public only from 2 PM, by when most of the students wake up, till around 7 PM; so it won’t interfered with their daily life, which normally beings after the sunset,” Anjan Aiyar explained why India will not see a slowdown in the engineer manufacturing sector.

Residents of IIT Bombay, excluding the leopards, have welcomed the idea of converting the campus into a wildlife sanctuary.

“It will prepare the students for interaction with the outside world in a better manner. Many people still consider engineers as some different form of life but don’t say it openly. However, they will be true to themselves when visiting the sanctuary as sightseers, and thus the students will know what awaits them when they graduate,” a professor at IIT Bombay explained.

“I just hope they budget at least a few thousand crore rupees for this project and call it ‘Save the Engineers’ campaign,” an official at the Ministry of HRD told Faking News when asked for reaction.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Out of ideas for improved iPhone, Apple decides to improve iPod

California, USA. Confused over whether to increase the screen size of the next iPhone or decrease the same for the new iPad Mini, Apple has decided to go back to the traditional iPod and change its features to showcase some innovation it has been allegedly known for.

Sources confirm that after BlackBerry CEO Thorsten Heins slammed iPhone as “outdated” last month, Apple had been working towards giving a befitting reply to its self-declared born-again competitor.

“Two sets of engineers were asked to work – one on iPhone and another on iPad – and when they came up with the improved designs such as altered thickness, weight, and screen sizes, the products looked almost the same!” an Apple source confirmed.

The latest thing you just can’t live without

“There was only one difference between the new iPhone 6 and the iPad Mini 2 – the ability to make voice calls,” the source revealed, “And of course, a difference of $ 199 in prices.”

“Okay, chuck it. Lets’ go for iPod 7!” Tim Cook, CEO of Apple Inc. is reported to have told the rather embarrassed engineers caught in an awkward situation.

Whilst the engineers worked on a new design for iPod that would play music like Mozart, product managers finalized the new product promotion plan.

As part of the plan, Apple leaked some information on the internet earlier today, which was quickly lapped up by eager fans waiting for the latest rumor about iPhone/iPad rumors.

“Wow! Music has come back to our lives!” reacted a fan, who was mighty impressed with the various colors the new iPod 7 came in.

“I am totally going to buy the white iPod 7 – what a classy look!” declared another fan, ready to stand in queue to buy the new iPod and break the previous sales record.

When asked if they really needed a new iPod when they could enjoy music on their latest iPhones and iPads, the fans accused Faking News of being an Android agent and went back to check the latest features of the new iPod.

“Wow, you can change sound tracks through hand gestures. Now we know where Samsung Galaxy S4 got ideas from!” declared a fan after checking out the new features.

(based on this FN 2.0 report)

Facebook to impact 16 million class 10th and 12th results

New Delhi. After a research claimed that Social Media could impact as many as 160 Lok Sabha seats in the next general elections, another research has claimed that websites like Facebook and Twitter could impact results of at least 16 million students in India who took their class 10^th and 12^th exams earlier this year.

A representative picture of a student busy with social media while sitting on a backlog of unfinished syllabus

“Many who spent all their time on Facebook and Twitter are going to get anda (egg) – the default display picture of Twitter – as marks,” a researcher predicted students getting zero and thus F grade when results are announced in a few weeks.

According to the study, millions of students, especially boys, were busy checking out display pictures of girls, making fake profiles, and copy-pasting jokes on such websites, and consequently were ill prepared for the exams.

“Girls too wasted time uploading pictures and comparing vital stats like Facebook likes and Twitter retweets,” the researcher clarified why social media was set to impact the academic performance of test takers irrespective of gender.

“Girls have been traditionally performing better at these board exams when compared to boys, but if there is a reversal of trend this year, don’t blame the girl or the textbook, blame Facebook,” the researcher added.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Italy panics as Marines shown Himmatwala

Rome, Italy. A pale of gloom descended over Italy as unconfirmed rumors that the arrested Marines may have been taken for a special screening of Himmatwala spread like a wildfire.

This restaurant could be converted into a temporary home for the Marines when they return

Apparently the marines partly inflicted it on themselves when they expressed their desire to watch a Bollywood movie, and the government of India was quick to oblige lest another diplomatic standoff was created. But it remains a mystery on who chose Himmatwala.

A Very concerned Italian Prime Minister called up Dr. Manmohan Singh and expressed his concern. Apparently he wanted to add Bollywood movies in the list of exemptions Italy seeks along with death penalty.

“It’s a rarest of the rare case,” asserted Dr. Singh about the movie, “We don’t make such movies very often and in spite of the seriousness of the crime the marines are charged with, we have deep sympathies for the them if they indeed were shown that movie.”

However, the External Affairs minister Salman Kurshid told a TV channel that no special assurances would be given to Italy: “We have already promised that we won’t torture the prisoners and that should cover this. We don’t need to give any special assurance.”

Meanwhile the public opinion in Italy seems to be swelling in favor of bringing back the Marines before their sanity is seriously impacted by the effects of the movie.

“They need a lot of comfort,” Marcello Burgio of Sicily told Faking news. “I have seen the trailer on YouTube and it can be really damaging if shown the full movie.”

Katju demands Kasab be brought back to life

New Delhi. Responding to what Justice Katju himself perceived as a groundswell of goodwill from the people of India, the PCI chairman today demanded that the Indian government does whatever possible to bring Kasab back to life.

Justice makes a passionate appeal

Addressing a group of pressmen, Mr Katju said, “Kasab was otherwise an affable young man and has already paid for his error of judgment with his life and it’s time that he is now given a second chance.”

When probed further on how this can be feasible, he refused to dwell into details, but said, “This is a country where Narakasura and Mahishasura have been brought back to life and given a chance to live again. So we have the precedence. It’s for the government to sort out how the modalities be handled.”

As of this report being published, sources confirmed that the request has been received by the President of India and he is in consultation with scientists and religious gurus.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Television sets get permanent image of Narendra Modi

New Delhi. The national consumer forum of India today directed all the TV manufacturers to replace TV sets that have been displaying a permanent image of Narendra Modi even after they are switched off.

A defective TV set

Sources confirm that consumer forums across the country have received thousands of complaints over the past few weeks in this regard.

“It’s called LCD burning in technical terms,” said an official from a television company, “It happens very rarely only when excessive projection of the same image is displayed for an unduly prolonged duration. We have made very vast technology improvements over the past decade and thought we solved this problem once for all till this issue surfaced.”

“It’s unfair to blame the manufacturers for this problem,” said another manufacturer, “The units are not tested for extreme conditions such as what’s happening now and the broadcast companies should be made accountable!”

Meanwhile all consumers have been advised to switch on and off between Discovery channel and news channels to make sure that such damage is averted.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Three people found dancing on “Jumping Jepang Jampak Jampak”, without being paid for it

Mumbai. Finally, after endless and ~~tiresome~~ tireless efforts by Farah Khan and the BCCI, three people have been found dancing to the “Dil Jumping Jepang Jumpak Jumpak” tune, without being asked or paid to do so.

Ravi, Sunil, and Sanjay (names changed so that they are not insulted in future) are three friends who have been spotted dancing on the IPL-6 theme song, whenever possible. The three friends don’t miss an opportunity on dancing, and even danced on the ubiquitous song when Rahul Gandhi delivered a speech at the CII event last week.

The three friends call her Mother IPL

Faking News got the opportunity to interview these 3 ~~idiots~~ friends who were asked to stop dancing for some time, till they finish the interview.

FN Reporter : Hello guys! The IPL fever has set in, and it seems you guys have been the first in India to have caught the fever?

Ravi: Yes my friend! IPL flashes and flashes hard!

FN Reporter : So tell us, what made you’ll think of dancing on this song, when most of the people have hated the song and the steps?

Sunil : Well, initially, even we did not like it. But, then, we went to watch Himmatwala last weekend, and here we are. (starts dancing again before the FN reporter requests him to finish the interview)

FN Reporter : Can you please elaborate?

Sanjay: He means, this song cannot get worse than Himmatwala at least. After watching the movie, whenever we saw the promos on TV, we immediately changed the channel, and the only thing we saw on other channels, was Farah Khan yelling at people to dance on her tunes! Our condition worsened after that.

FN Reporter : Oh! So that is how you’ll got into the groove?

Ravi : Yes my friend! We tried to run away from Sajid, but only found Farah every where! As if that’s what the doctor ordered for us.

FN Reporter : Do you guys know, that you are the first Indians, who are dancing on this song, without being paid for it?

At this question, all 3 of them had tears in their eyes, and as Chris Gayle hit a six, they all started dancing on the song again. We could not ask any more questions to the 3 friends, as the visiting hours at the ‘Maansik Mental Hospital’ was over.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Girl attempts suicide after failing to get into ‘100 profile picture likes’ club

Mumbai. After Facebook divorces, Facebook suicides are becoming the next trend. Sundari Cuttei, an 18 years old girl attempted suicide after failing to get at least 100 likes on at least one of her profile pictures – a feat that would have given her an entry into the ‘100 likes’ club.

She tried to kill herself by deactivating her Facebook account, which almost made her breathless. Her friends could find it in time and took her to a doctor where she’s being treated for depression. She’s currently out of danger but distraught.

Speaking exclusively to Faking News, she said, “My friends always get over 100 likes on their profile pictures. And I… (bursts into tears pointing at her latest profile picture) I had tagged over 100 people but still got only 74 likes. Some have even blocked me for tagging incessantly.”

Many make photos of celebrities as their profile pictures to attract more likes

“I had even spent Rs. 2,000 for trimming the hair by a few millimeters to get that look, but of no use,” she added as she started sobbing again.

“She was very desperate to join the 100 likes club, which is far more popular than Facebook confessions,” Laali Lal, a friend of Sundari revealed.

Sundari’s friend claim that she had tried all kinds of make-up and poses, and released dozens of profile pictures, but none of them could help her join the 100 likes club.

“She once posed with a pout thinking she’d look like Angelina Jolie or at least Nargis Fakhri, but my comment on the picture got more likes than the picture. I had commented – quack quack. She has not been talking with me since then,” another friend Vikram Sutta recalled.

Faking News did some research to find about the new ‘100 likes’ club. Leading psychiatrist Chakaram Gol says, “This is mostly a female dominated industry, but males are catching up fast with photos posted from gym and trendy gadgets. Getting into this club has become a status symbol like the ‘100 crore’ club of Bollywood.”

Meanwhile Sajid Khan has declared that his movie ‘Himmatwala’ was a hit as one of its posters uploaded on Facebook received over 100 likes – a claim not verified by Faking News.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

BCCI hopes to create millions of trained cheerleaders by end of IPL

Mumbai. With the dance steps of the soulful song ‘dil jumping jepang jumpak jumpak’ being well advertised across media platforms, BCCI is hopeful that it will ready an army of cheerleader who would instinctively burst into dancing whenever action happens on cricket field.

“IPL has just started and we have reports that people have actually started dancing as tutored by Farah Khan. By the end of the IPL, we are hopeful of programming our viewers into cricket dancers i.e. cheerleaders,” claimed IPL chairman Rajeev Shukla doing the ‘gilli gilli aaw’ step.

IPL has asked people not to restrict themselves to watching TV, but to start dancing as well.

Sources tell Faking News that Mr. Shukla, who is also a Congress leader and a Union Minister, wanted to term this whole cheerleading training program as Rahul Gandhi Urban Employment Guarantee Yojna, but the idea was dropped at the last moment.

“There is no guarantee that people who learn such dance steps would actually get any job, which would have spread further dissatisfaction among the voters as they would have seen it as another false promise,” the source revealed.

When asked that what exactly does BCCI and IPL want to achieve by creating this army of cheerleaders when it might not help in any employment generation, Mr. Shukla said, “It is not only about jobs, it will help in capacity building of the masses and they can take part in reality shows like Nach Baliye or Dance India Dance.”

Meanwhile some puritans have started a petition demanding a ban on ‘jumpak thumpak’ dance claiming that it was killing ~~test cricket~~ Bharatnatyam.