Faking News - leading news satire website of India: February 2013

Thursday, February 28, 2013

MBA aspirant forces himself to take interest in Budget

Mumbai. Ravi Gupta, who got 97.47 percentile in CAT this year, has forced himself to follow each and every stuff about the Union Budget and is trying to convince himself that he has got everything right.

“Now that I’d be studying MBA, I should know about these things as I could be managing similar affairs soon,” an optimistic Ravi told Faking News.

Ravi claimed that he gave more thought to the Budget than the Finance Minister

Hopeful of gaining entry into one of the top b-schools of India and then getting a job straight out of the campus where he’d be making decisions based on economic indicators, Ravi listened to every sentence of the Budget speech very carefully.

“Last time I was so focused was when I watched Inception during my engineering days,” Ravi revealed.

Ravi insisted that the “real budget” was beyond income tax slabs or what commodity became costlier or cheaper.

“Those are for people who don’t get real details like fiscal deficit, debt financing, and current account convertibility,” the aspiring MBA student declared.

“Ghanta!” an alumnus of Ravi’s engineering college currently in his first year of the job post MBA reacted to Ravi’s comments, “I too cared about those things earlier, but all that I cared this year was about home loan rates.”

Ravi was updating his Facebook status claiming an inflationary budget when reports last came in.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

With WiFi available in trains, Ticket Examiners to accept bribe via online transfer

New Delhi. After the announcement of free Wi-Fi in select trains by Railway minister, Mr. Pawan Kumar Bansal during the Rail Budget earlier today, Travelling Ticket Examiners (TTEs) have declared that they will be accepting bribes via online money transfer.

Speaking to Faking News, Mr. Sandeep Kadian, a TTE on Delhi-Mumbai route said, “We have decided to make an effort to contribute to modernization of Indian Railways. That is why we are providing this facility of online transfer of bribes to the passengers. Anyway, carrying cash in trains was becoming a problem with so many pickpockets around, this way our money will be securely transferred to our accounts.”

Some TTEs are very honest as they collect money and give receipt too to the passengers

“There have been several instances when we had to turn over passengers traveling without a ticket to the police because they didn’t have any cash in their pocket to pay us. Now thanks to the availability of free Wi-Fi in trains, they can log on to their bank’s website and transfer money to our bank account. We have instructed all members of our union to carry a laptop with them which can be used to log on to the internet using any of the available networks,” he went on to add.

When we asked what they will do with people who neither have cash with them, nor online banking facility, he replied, “Most probably we will have to turn such people over to the police. Police can get the money from the relatives of these people when they come to get them released. However, we will try as hard as possible to avoid calling the cops because you know, we also have a heart. You know, once I let a guy go after taking only one Beedi ka bundle.”

A senior Railways official when contacted by Faking News for his reaction to the news said, “This is a very welcome step by our TTEs. This shows their forward thinking approach and resourcefulness. Moreover, all the bribes paid via online transfer will be documented which will help us calculate our share of the bribe accurately.”

When we asked a passenger waiting for his train at New Delhi railway station for his reaction to this scheme offered by TTEs, he said, “If the speed of the internet through Wi-Fi provided by the railways is as fast as that of IRCTC website then I will reach my destination before any money gets transferred.”

Railways to offer six special Free Wi-Fi networks

New Delhi. Railways Minister Pawan Kumar Bansal has announced that some select trains will see Free Wi-Fi services in the coming days. Our sources have informed us that it indeed was true, and there would be six different Wi-Fi networks that a passenger will be able to connect to.

Following are the six public networks that would be offered. A person can opt to connect to one of the networks depending upon his or her needs and the services the network would offer:

The Social Network

Rajiv Gandhi Free Wi-Fi : This will be the most generic offering and will be the one that was announced during the Rail Budget earlier today. After providing his or her credentials, a person will be taken to a ‘Terms & Conditions’ page where he will be asked to click ‘Yes’ or ‘Decline and travel without internet’ to a pledge accepting Shri Rajiv Gandhi as the person who brought laptop, computers, smartphones, etc. to India. After accepting this pledge, a person will be promised high speed internet.

Rahul Gandhi Youth Network : A connection that will pre-load pages such as Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, MTV Roadies, and HD wallpapers of celebrities on your browsing device. The government aims to impress the youth and reinforce the brand positioning of Rahul Gandhi as the Youth Icon of India through this connection. With an eye on the 2014 elections, this will be the default connection offered to a user.

Sibal Safe Link : A connection to this network will come with a guarantee of no arrests under the section 66A of the IT law. The only catch is that whatever you post on websites such as Twitter and Facebook, will be first sent to the office of Kapil Sibal for pre-screening and approval. Once the content is approved, you enjoy seamless online experience. This is being touted as the safest way to travel by Indian Railways.

Secured Secular Connection : If a user chooses to connect to this Wi-Fi network, he would be guaranteed a secular surfing experience. The connection would block access to content that could offend religious sensibilities, especially of the minorities e.g. IMDb page of Vishwaroopam or The Da Vinci Code. When Faking News tested this connection, Gujarat’s government’s official website was also blocked. We were told that it might be a bug, though no one confirmed it.

eNREGA – Surf & Earn : This network could allow a person to earn some money by posting content favorable to the government or the Congress party on social networking websites, especially Twitter. This is part of the 100 crore rupees budget (though being implemented through Rail Budget) that Congress party has decided to spend to fight the war online. Party believes that this step will make sure that they are on the railway right track.

Manmohan Singh Browser : These days some websites use background music or video ads that start playing as soon as the page loads. This becomes very irritating and people are forced to close the webpages. This connection ensures a totally silent web browsing experience. No sounds will be played when you visit a webpage. Obviously, not the best network to choose if you are a music buff.

All of the above connections are secured and accessible with a common password – “madam”.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Government to establish National Scam Museum

New Delhi. Government of India has decided to establish a “National Scam Museum” in the national capital in order to showcase the superlative achievements of successive governments since Independence.

Announcing this, the Minister of Urban Poverty Alleviation, Shri Ajay Maken said, “During the last decade or so, India has been the cynosure of politicians’ and middlemen’s eyes the world over. We have left even the developed countries far behind in looting the taxpayers’ money and scammed everything that lies below, on, and above Mother Earth. High time we make a monument for this monumental achievement.”

A regular museum, which could be converted into a scam museum as scams have become regular.

The proposed monument i.e. the National Scam Museum will be designed like a War Museum, showcasing the artifice, technology, and the modus operandi of the great scamsters of the last 65 years.

It will be a three storied building – a basement, a ground floor, and a tenth floor in the sky. First to ninth floors would be built just on paper, just as it happens during many scams.

Each of these three levels will house exhibits and audio-visual information kiosks on scams relating to the realm in which these have occurred, e.g. the “Chopper Scam” and “Spectrum Scam” will be showcased on the ‘In the Air’ level (tenth floor), “CoalGate” and “Scorpene Deal” on the “Below the Ground” level (basement), and the ground floor will see relics from “CWG Scam” and various land scams.

The architects have been asked to avoid any resemblance to the Parliament House, Rashtrapati Bhawan, and the North and South Blocks of the secretariat as the government itself is not recognized as any scam.

Face to face interactions with scamsters, who are still alive, like Kalmadi, Telgi, Raja, Ketan Parekh, Hasan Ali, etc. will be organized on ‘Scam Sundays’. School and college children will be encouraged to interact with these achievers and feel motivated to think beyond even IIPM.

A unique feature of the museum will be a giant LED display on top of the building that will show a running count up of the amount of money embezzled by the corrupt, correct to a second.

“Hope the aam aadmi will start taking scams as a matter of fact and part of our culture, if this is not the case already,” a government official hoped.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Traces of sense of humor found in Indian IT professionals

Bangalore. Scientists have almost reached a breakthrough in proving that there are clinical traces of sense of humor present in Indian IT professionals. Though this has not been confirmed yet, the very possibility of this being true has been welcomed by the rest of the Indian citizens.

In a controlled experiment conducted in the Department of Bio-sciences in the Indian Institute of Science, scientists collected sample smiles from a few volunteers from the local IT industry.

Even builders constructing IT parks and hubs don’t show any IT professional laughing in their ads, many point out.

Dr. Balakrishnan, the head scientist, told Faking News, “We isolated these volunteers from computers for a period of time, and we could see a growth of humor culture in them under the microscope.”

Apparently, after sufficient relaxation, one of the volunteers made a joke that went like “I am in delivery, my wife is also in delivery; I deliver projects, she delivers babies… hahahaha!”

Scientists confirmed that the above joke evoked some smiles from the other volunteers that lasted approximately 5 microseconds, while the women’s groups claimed that it was a sexist remark.

Such experiments were repeated and crucial data was collected. The volunteers offered to do the data-entry work, but scientists refused as it could have had adverse impact on the experiments.

“Initial results prove that sustained de-exposure to IT work and culture induce the volunteers to attempt, create, and receive some humor, however microscopic in quantities it is,” Dr. Balakrishnan confirmed.

One of the volunteers, however, was very apprehensive of the experiment and claimed that any growth of humor could be a serious impediment to the career growth in IT.

“We spent years to get rid of our smiles and then we started progressing well. Our increments were directly proportional to how humorless we are. These kinds of experiments may destroy that!” he feared.

“They don’t need to worry. Once they return to work, they will be normal again,” the head scientist allayed such fears.

Fool fails to find the word “Impossible” in his dictionary

New Delhi. It has been believed ever since Napoleon Bonaparte said that “Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools”, however, a fool today failed to find the word “Impossible” in his dictionary.

Not a fool’s dictionary?

Rahul Roshan, a fool with an experience of over 30 years, tried to locate the word “Impossible” in his Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, but failed to find it even after trying for 3 hours.

“There is no word called ‘Impossible’ in my dictionary,” the fool declared, leaving rest of the world perplexed if they believed in a wrong theory all these years.

“If it’s not there, where is it?” wondered Mark Katju, a scholar with keen interest in idiots and fools. However, Katju refused to comment on Rahul’s intellect.

When Faking News asked Rahul if he knew how to look up for a word in dictionary, he got offended and said that he was not such a fool. He claimed that he remembered everything about the letters of the English alphabet and the order in which they appear in a dictionary.

“There was this word ‘imp’, which was followed by ‘impact’; there wasn’t anything between the two,” Rahul explained and reiterated that there was no ‘impaasibal’ in the dictionary.

“Since there is no such word in my dictionary, I’m surely not a fool!” Rahul happily concluded.

Angry man moves court to get entire Internet blocked

Mumbai. Garamendra Krodhi, widely believed to be the angriest man in India, has decided to take his anger to a “logical” conclusion.

As a first step towards it, Garamendra has moved Mumbai High Court with an appeal to block each and every URL accessible in India, because the Internet annoys, irritates, and upsets him.

Sources say that Garamendra had joined Twitter a week back, and experienced 256 Twitter fights since then, 255 of them resulting in either Garamendra blocking someone or the other person being blocked by him.

“I crapblocked KRK,” he claimed.

Lull before the storm. Watch this video.

“The only person I couldn’t block was myself,” Garamendra explained the inconsistency in numbers, “I had tried to block myself when I became angry at having tweeted a typo. People compared me with Shahid Kapoor!”

Garamendra further claimed that he damaged at least two laptop keyboards and five Chinese mobiles while tweeting angrily.

“I pressed the keys the way I would have pressed the necks of those blockheads!” the angry bird man explained.

As days on Twitter passed, Garamendra realized that instead of blocking one Twitter user at a time, a better solution was to block entire Twitter, and by extension the entire Internet.

Sources further inform that Facebook was no better for Garamendra, where his fake profile with display picture of a girl was getting 176 likes on an average than his own profile, which attracted 0 likes and 2 comments from his father and long lost uncle, who are also on Facebook for some unknown reasons.

Depressed, Garamendra turned to YouTube to watch some funny cat videos, where he ended up watching a three minute long ad while waiting for the 30 seconds clip to begin.

There, he decided, he didn’t need internet in his life, and filed the appeal in the court.

Unconfirmed sources say that the government is keen to help Garamendra block the entire internet, as this could control criticism, but government sources denied any such intentions.

“The law will take its own course,” an official in DoT said.

Meanwhile the rest of the India is worried on how to stop this man, who might inspire others, especially those with stylish hairdos, to go on a similar blocking spree.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Religious people fight in air over whose prayers caused a safe take-off

Mumbai. An Air India flight had to make an emergency landing after a group of deeply religious persons started fighting minutes after the flight took off without any trouble.

“Each member of the group was claiming that the flight took off safely because he prayed to the god or the prophet of his own religion,” said the 56-year-old air hostess of the Chennai bound flight.

Passengers recall that everything was going fine, with the incoming flight landing at time, boarding announced on time, and finally a take-off without any delay. However things turned ugly when a passenger thanked “Bajrangbali” for the safe take-off.

There is dispute over what causes this thing to fly

“This guy was muttering Hanuman Chalisa as soon as the airplane started taxiing,” a passenger seated next to one of the “fighters” recalled the turn of events, “His voice became louder as the plane ran faster. He fastened himself to the seat with both the hands, and finally closed his eyes when the plane left ground.”

Once the airplane was in air and stable, the unidentified man claimed, “Bajrangbali ne bacha liya (Lord Hanuman saved me)!” However, this was soon disputed by the man seated in the back row, who claimed that the safe take off was a result of him reading some verses in the praise of Allah.

“Barso se travel kar rahe hain, ek baar bhi dua fail nahi hui (I’ve been traveling for years, and this dua has worked every time)!” the man on the back seat is explained the secret of the safe take-off.

This led to a sparring between the two as the Hanuman devotee claimed that he too was a frequent flyer and Lord Hanuman knew a thing or two more about flying when compared to other gods.

Sources tell Faking News that the dispute might have ended then and there, but some people objected to the Hanuman devotee’s behavior, accusing him of being communal and anti-minority.

“Maybe both of them were just joking, but things took serious turn when a guy started preaching about secularism and how communalism was shredding the secular fabric of India,” alleged one of the passengers who keenly followed the religious fight.

The secular preaching was followed by even more stupid religious claims and counter claims between the sparring Hindu and Muslim passengers. Soon a Christian joining the debate and claiming that it was his God who was controlling everything, including the plane’s engine.

One person tried to cool down the tempers by joking about “Pilot Parmeshwar” and “Nitrogen Baba” being responsible for the safe take-off of the plane, but he was asked to shut up and mind his own business by the warriors.

Within minutes, the verbal bickering turned into physical scuffle as people started hitting each other to prove the superiority of their religion. A crew member was also injured in the scuffle.

“Last time I was injured when the pilot and the co-pilot had a fight, but this was worse,” the injured crew member explained why the flight had to make an emergency landing.

Later, all the warring religious persons were offloaded and handed over to the ground security while the flight took off again, this time without anyone praying for a safe take-off. The flight took off safely, sources confirm.

“Saala hum log ladte rah gaye, flight miss ho gayi, aur woh secular banda toh aaram se ud gaya sab maze le ke (we fought, missed the flight, while that secular dude is traveling without any problem after enjoying everything)!” one of the grounded fighters later realized.

(originally written for and published in English daily DNA)

Sushil Kumar Shinde’s exclusive interview

New Delhi. History was created when Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde (SKS) called Faking News (FN) to give his first interview after the Hyderabad blasts. Here is an excerpt of the interview.

Read it before it gets blocked:

Home Minister trying to read an intelligence report

FN: Thank you sir. It is an honor that you called us first!

SKS: I had no choice. All the other news channels started broadcasting my older statements from previous blasts not bothering to ask me if I had something new to say.

FN: Sad. How unfair of them!

SKS: Not really. I actually don’t have anything new to say except the three point formula.

FN: Three point formula?

SKS: Yes. 1. Foreign hand. 2. Compensation. 3. We will give a fitting reply

FN: Oh! No wonder the opposition says your response was routine.

SKS: So? Blasts are also routine in our country, so how can my response be unique every time. I am not Aamir Khan, am I?

FN: It is said you had intelligence reports that a blast would occur in Hyderabad. Why didn’t you take action?

SKS: We took action. Only that we thought it was Hyderabad the city in Pakistan. I even called my counterpart there. Don’t know why he burst into a fit of laughter though.

FN: But shouldn’t the government be alert?

SKS: Who says we aren’t. We are super alert. With all this CWG, Coalgate, Tatra truck, 2G and what not we are alert and take all precautions in …err…whatever!

FN: No, No I meant alert about blasts.

SKS: How can we? You fellows expose us left right and center. Our attention gets diverted. I blame this on the investigative media. We are so occupied ensuring we are secure from the media that we do not have time for national security.

FN: Ok forget that. Who do you think is responsible?

SKS: I told you, the media!

FN: No, I mean, responsible for the blasts?

SKS: We have left that decision to Madam.

FN: Thank you Sir, and we have left ourselves to God.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Frustrated with slow website, angry man smashes IRCTC servers

New Delhi. An angry young man has broken into Indian Railways’ office and smashed the servers that hosted IRCTC’s online ticket booking website. The incident happened around 10.10 AM today morning, minutes after Tatkal window was opened.

“People trying to book tickets this morning couldn’t feel any difference as the website is usually unavailable during that time,” an IRCTC source told Faking News, “However, this time the server crashed due to a heavy hammer, not due to heavy traffic.”

One of the smashed sarkaari computers

The angry man couldn’t be arrested as he terrorized the IRCTC officials to the core. The officials and employees just couldn’t summon any courage to call police or confront him. They felt as helpless as a common user trying to book Tatkal tickets at 10 AM.

“He walked in pretty silently, showing his IRCTC password printed on a paper to everyone after every step he took,” a terrified eye-witness recalled, “He quietly went to the server room, where he suddenly took out a hammer and started banging the servers.”

After smashing the servers, the unidentified man even marched menacingly towards the IRCTC employees with the hammer, but didn’t hit anyone.

“I guess his smashing session expired by that time,” an IRCTC software engineer guessed why the man didn’t kill anyone though he appeared in a deadly mood.

The angry man then walked out of the office, even as the IRCTC employees – too shocked to take any action as normal consumers are when their credit card is charged without the ticket getting booked – silently witnessed everything.

“After he went away, we were as relieved as someone who successfully books a Tatkal ticket through our website,” an employee confirmed.

Sources say that the angry man has promised to be back unless the IRCTC website improves.

“While walking out, he had said – I’ll be back!” an IRCTC source revealed.

Congress to make WhatsApp free forever for Indian youth

New Delhi. In order to secure the support of youth of India ahead of the 2014 general elections, Congress party is planning to pay for WhatsApp subscription of all youths – as defined by the general perception and not the general secretaries of Congress.

Sources say that WhatsApp rejected the Congress party’s proposal to change its logo

WhatsApp is a popular smartphone messenger service that is free for a limited period of time before one starts paying for it, like freedom of speech in the Indian constitution.

“This will be a game-changer like the Direct Cash Transfers,” Congress leader and I&B Minister Manish Tewari said, “This will also be a kind of cash transfer, where we will transfer money to WhatsApp and ask them to make this service free for Indian youth.”

To win the support of those who have already exhausted their free period and are paying for WhatsApp, the party has promised to reimburse those charges as well. Since the charges are low, such as $0.99 USD per year, Congress is hopeful of winning over youth of India at affordable prices.

“This is better than spending 100 crore rupees on Twitter and Facebook,” Tewari, whose tweets are protected, claimed.

Since any step that is aiming at winning the youth must be credited to Youth icon Rahul Gandhi, Congress has requested WhatsApp to add a Rahul Gandhi icon in its list of millions of native icons.

Gujaratis now live for at least 125 years, declares Narendra Modi

Gandhinagar. Following the monumental achievements on development in almost every field in Gujarat, including mobilization of Rs 1 lakh crore during Vibrant Gujarat summit, CM Narendra Modi today pleasantly shocked the nation with the revelation that Gujaratis’ life expectancy has improved to above 128 years over the last 8 years of his rule.

He said in a recent meeting that this is another achievement he will dedicate to the 6 crore Gujaratis.

When challenged that the government records don’t reflect this, Modi blamed fashion conscious girls for this skewed data. He claimed that the girls, fearing that they will become old, drop the first digit of their age till almost they become, well, very old.

So a girl, when she becomes 16, she registers herself as 6. When their mothers advise them against it, they say “Maama, main buddhi ho jaayegi”. Hence, he said, the data shows the average age less than real.

Narendra Modi declaring Gujarat number One

Modi further claimed that there was a conspiracy by Congress led central government that too caused the life expectancy figure to remain below 100.

“When I was filling up my application for the CM’s job, I discovered a great conspiracy,” he said, “There were only 2 spaces against the ‘Age’ column. So it became clear that the central government did not want any Gujarati to live for more than 99 years!”

“This shows the genocidal attitude of the Congress led UPA government,” he added.

In a related development, Mr. Subramanian Swamy quipped that while the average life expectancy of Indians have been static, that of the Italians have gone up by 8 years. According to him, this happened especially after one Mrs. Antonio Maino a.k.a Sonia Gandhi moved to India.

“I see a great Italian conspiracy to usurp all the Indians’ wealth after they die earlier than Italians. I have strong evidences for this and will present at an appropriate time,” he added.

Following the declarations by Narendra Modi, a panic meeting was convened in the Congress head-quarters today.

Digvijay Singh proposed a campaign against Modi titled “Jhooth Ka Saudagar”. He said that Modi has been cheating the country with false stories that the Gujaratis live longer only after Modi came to power.

“Modi himself is as senile as a 180 year old, so he can’t claim the credit for Gujaratis living well over 100,” Digvijay Singh came up with the logic.

Meanwhile Justice Katju too has said that Modi’s claims were baseless.

He said, “Real increase in expectancy can be claimed only when every sperm in every man’s body lives for many years. I understand that millions of sperms die within 24 hours and that’s grave injustice to the unborn. We can’t accept Modi’s claims when such things keep happening in Gujarat.”

A great debate was happening in the online world after this report was published, with both pro and anti Modi commentators citing various data and incidents to debate Gujaratis’ life-expectancy, but no one bothered to talk to any person above 100 years living in Gujarat.

Justice Katju interviewed by an idiot

Retired Supreme Court Judge Justice Markandey Katju has often been in news. He was in news earlier this week too, so Faking News decided to interview him.

Since he became popular due to his views on idiots, we sent an idiot from our team to interview him. Here are the highlights of the interview:

Faking News: Thank you for taking time out to talk to us. I’m a journalist as well as an idiot. Are you happy to meet me?

Justice Katju: You don’t need to tell me that you are a journalist as well as an idiot. They are one and the same to me.

FN: So this is not the first time you are meeting an idiot?

JK: I’ve met mostly idiots all my life, that’s how I reached the conclusion that 90% of Indians were idiots.

FN: But maybe you are an idiot magnet? You could be attracting idiots? See, I came running to interview you.

JK: Fools rush in everywhere; you don’t need to attract them.

A rare moment during the interview when Justice Katju smiled

FN: Are fools a type of idiot?

JK: All fools are idiots.

FN: So 90% Indians are fools?

JK: (irritated) You don’t know simple mathematical concepts like set and subset, which proves that you are both a fool and an idiot.

FN: Okay, maybe, but why does it bother you if someone is an idiot? I mean, if everyone were intelligent, you might not have become a judge as there would have been more intelligent people competing against you. Should you not be happy that there are idiots, who make you appear sharp in comparison?

JK: What kind of nonsense is that? Everything is not relative. Tomorrow you’d say that since there is more malnutrition in Bihar when compared to malnutrition in Gujarat, there is no malnutrition in Gujarat! What kind of stupid argument is that? You seem to be a fascist person!

FN: Err… where does Gujarat come into this? I was merely talking about RG.

JK: RG? Rahul Gandhi? I don’t comment on ~~Gandhis~~ senior leaders of ~~Congress~~ national parties. But since you have commented on Rahul Gandhi, you appear to be a Narendra Modi supporter. Not surprised that you are fascist. You must apologize now.

FN: Sir, by RG I meant Relative Grading, not Rahul Gandhi. Relative Grading, where you are deemed intelligent because others are idiots in comparison.

JK: How is that relevant to malnutrition in Gujarat or Narendra Modi’s leading an army of fascists?

FN: But we were not discussing Gujarat or Modi! We were discussing idiots!! And that’s why I came to interview you!!!

JK: No, you came to interview just because your boss told you to! You may claim that you were just following orders, but you are liable to be prosecuted if you follow illegal orders. You seem to be uneducated and have not heard about Nuremberg Trials of Nazi soldiers.

FN: Sir, you seem to have totally lost the track and focus!

JK: You have no decency or culture on how to talk to a senior person like me. You have misbehaved with me. I can’t continue with this so-called interview. GET OUT FROM HERE!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

IIPM student gets Facebook profile of IIM student blocked

Ahmedabad. In another blocking incident related to IIPM, Facebook profile of an IIM Ahmedabad student has been blocked by the DoT following a court order based on complaints from an IIPM student.

Last night, when Rahul Sharma, a 2nd year MBA (not recognized by UGC) student of IIM-A, tried to log into his Facebook profile, it redirected him to a webpage saying “Dare to think beyond Facebook”.

After dozens of emails and phone calls to various authorities, Rahul came to know that the URL to his profile was blocked by the Indian ISPs because he was accused of “damaging the MBA culture in India” in a court case filed against him.

IIPM Dean is the highest followed Economist, Management Guru and Teacher on Earth, claims the hugely popular Facebook page of Prof. Arindam Chaudhuri.

The case specifically mentioned to the incident where Rahul had ignored an online survey link sent to him by an IIPM student.

“If people start ignoring SurveyMonkey, Zoomerang, PollDaddy, etc. links, how can any MBA student get his market research done, and thus meet the requirements to get the degree?” the lawyer from Silchar, Assam representing the IIPM student explained.

On his part, Rahul claims that he had indeed clicked on the survey link, which is a religious duty of every MBA student across the world, but he found the survey senseless.

“The introduction of the survey form said it was related to standards of higher education in India. But most of the questions in the form were either related to IIPM or Arindam Chaudhuri. For example, there were questions like ‘Do you think Prof. Chaudhuri should change his hairstyle?’ and another question was like ‘Rate the photo of this lady IIPM professor’, and the only options given 9/10 or 10/10,” Rahul recalled.

He claimed that he ignored the whole survey form and replied to sender of mail that it was crap.

“I did get a reply from the creator of the survey saying I had hurt the sentiment of an IIPMian, and that I was acting out of malice because he dared to think beyond IIM i.e. my institute. But I didn’t know he’d go ahead and file a court case!” said a bewildered and shocked Rahul.

The incident has sent shockwaves not only among the IIM students, but every Facebook user.

“What next? Maybe we would be accused of ‘damaging the friendship culture in India’ if we ignore the friend request from an IIPM student?” wondered a Facebook user who didn’t want to be quoted lest his/her profile link was also blocked.

Man angrier than Arnab Goswami found

Mumbai. In what can be said to be the most important discovery of the 21^st century till date, researchers have claimed to find a man who is angrier than Arnab Goswami.

“He is not only angry about issues like corruption, crime, fraud, treachery, politicians, terrorists, incompetence, and other flaws in the society, but he is angry with Arnab Goswami too, which makes him angrier than Arnab!” claimed an Arnab researcher.

Garamendra Krodhi

The man, calling himself Garamendra Krodhi, has been seen mostly in text form on Twitter and Facebook, but some researchers have claimed to see him in audio-visual form too on YouTube.

“He is everywhere, present in people fighting on Facebook, blocking each other on Twitter, leaving angry comments on each other’s blogs, and of course, asking direct questions without waiting to hear the answer, e.g. blocking people on Twitter after asking throwing a question at them,” a researcher explained.

“But he is not just an online phenomenon, which can be blocked by the DoT and silenced unlike Arnab,” the researcher added, “Garamendra exists in the real world too, and we can safely conclude that Arnab Goswami is no more the angriest person around.”

When asked why was Garamendra angry with Arnab, when both should get along well given their common interest in outrages and annoyances, researches didn’t come up with a forthright answer. However, sources say that Garamendra was angry with Arnab because he thought Arnab was not angry enough.

“He is angry why no one has been slapped during The Newshour debate yet,” a source disclosed, “Or why no shoe has been thrown at some guest by another guest live on TV. He’s angry and frustrated with Arnab for not taking his anger to the next level.”

“Arnabageddon!” Garmendra demanded.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Robbers loot home while house owner was busy booking Tatkal tickets

New Delhi. In a shocking incident of broad daylight robbery, burglars walked away with valuables worth lakhs from a home when the house-owner was stuck booking railway tickets at the IRCTC website.

This is the first known incident of a heist where the victim was not harmed, confined, or threatened even though he was awake and conscious.

A file picture, allegedly of a man who didn’t give up on booking Tatkal tickets from the IRCTC website.

According to reports, the house owner Vinod Gupta, who is a business man, was glued to his computer trying to book a Tatkal ticket through the IRCTC website. He was alone at the home at that time, as rest of the family members had gone to a nearby temple to pray.

“My wife and children had gone to a temple to pray that everything goes fine and the ticket is booked. I had been trying unsuccessfully for the last three days,” 45-year-old Vinod Gupta told Faking News.

Using this opportunity, the robbers, waiting for clock to strike 10 in the morning when Tatkal bookings starts, walked into the home and quietly removed the Refrigerator, Washing machine, TV, Music system, rosewood furniture, and some cash.

Neighbors say that they saw the robbers loading these things in to a waiting truck, but they thought that the residents were relocating to a new city as they didn’t hear any sounds of resistance or protest. They didn’t note the truck’s number or took notice of the robbers’ faces.

At least half-an-hour after the truck had sped away, Vinod Gupta realized what had happened.

“I had muted the TV so that my full concentration was on booking tickets,” Gupta recalled, “After various session failures, password re-entry, and online transactions, I could finally book the ticket. Relaxed, I pressed the mute button to unmute the TV, only to realize that the TV was missing!”

A shocked Gupta alerted the police and called back his family to share the joy of booking of Tatkal ticket and grief of losing valuables.

“The robbers as well as I struck a jackpot,” Vinod Gupta explained how he viewed the whole situation.

The police department has started investigations, but they are not too hopeful as Mr. Gupta couldn’t come up with any details except for how many times IRCTC returned “Service Unavailable” error.

There were also disputes over whether the case fell under the jurisdiction of local police or the Railway police.

To make sure such robberies are not repeated, police has asked the general public to inform the local station whenever they are attempting to book Tatkal tickets on IRCTC.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Dog unfriends Man on Facebook

New Delhi. In a severe blow to the long held belief that “A man’s best friend is a dog”, Sheru, the 7-year-old dog removed Vineet, his 27-year-old master, as a friend on Facebook.

“He sucks!” Sheru told Faking News, “Here, I keep pinging him to chat and he never replies. I write on his wall, but he never responds. I also send him invitations to play games on Facebook, but he never accepts them. In fact, he didn’t even like the photo that I had posted yesterday.”

A pensive Sheru reminiscing about what went wrong in his relationship with Vineet

“And what’s worse; that jackass is always busy doing the same to Facebook girls he has never met,” an audibly upset Sheru said, “In fact, those girls treat him worse than the way he treats me, but he stills goes on chasing them like a shameless drooling dog.”

“I have some shame and self-respect, and I had it enough!” the dark brown male Labrador explained why he took the extreme step of unfriending Vineet on Facebook.

When asked if he’d break friendship with Vineet in the real world too, Sheru said that he hadn’t yet thought about that but he might do it if things didn’t improve within a couple of weeks, or maximum a month.

“His family still loves me and takes good care of me,” Sheru showed the brand new packed of Pedigree that was brought by Vineet’s parents for Sheru at a time Sheru was unsuccessfully trying to get Vineet like his new page “Dogs rock and rule” on Facebook.

“I am here for mummy-daddy,” Sheru added, “My relationship with Vineet is more like that of a woman in a loveless marriage. I’m staying on for the sake of the family.”

“What an irresponsible jerk!” Sheru said about his bachelor owner who couldn’t be contacted for comments as he was busy checking out profiles of new girls on Facebook, whom he aimed to befriend and marry after a few clicks.