Faking News - leading news satire website of India: July 2015

Friday, July 31, 2015

Man demands his iPhone after becoming lucky user no 10000 for the 10000th time in Internet pop-up ads

New Delhi. Man named Naseeb Singh has achieved the un-achievable after becoming the lucky user no. 10000 for the 10000^th time in pop-up advertisements on Internet. A Consulting Laborer by profession, Naseeb Singh gets lucky every time he switches on the computer with Internet connection and sometimes without Internet connection as well.

“Naseeb Singh after becoming lucky user for the 10000th time”

The moment he sees a pop –up advertisements on Internet, he knows that he has achieved another feat and won another prize which he may never get. He has contacted Faking News after being rejected by every other news portal to spread awareness about his problem.

“To tell you the truth, I may be named Naseeb Singh but I don’t think I am lucky enough to win a prize every time I switch on my modem, I have allegedly won Big Bazaar coupons, 10000 dollar, life-time supply of Lizzat Papad and almost every day I win an iPhone and last night I won iPhone 6. Due to this, many times I sold my phones hoping that I would soon get an I-phone. I have become a lucky user no. 10000 for the 10000^th time now to be precise,” Naseeb Singh told Faking News as he became lucky user one more time on his smartphone.

He further said, “ It is just not that I am getting lucky in 10000 league, I am doing very well in other leagues as well, I have become lucky user no 100000 for 1000 times, lucky user no 10000000 for 100 times. I would like to use your platform to convey my grievances to those pop-up ad makers to stop playing with my emotions and if not an iPhone itself at least get me an iPhone cover for my Chinese replica of iPhone.”

If sources are to be believed, one has to become a lucky user no 10000 for at least 1 million times before he can claim his iPhone so it is issued in public interest to not waste our precious time before you reach this number.

Congress party angry with media for focussing more on Rahul Gandhi’s muscles than his speech at FTII

Pune: Congress party has expressed its displeasure with the media for focusing more on Rahul Gandhi’s biceps than the content of his speech.

Hello! mike testing..check check…check my muscles

Congress spokesperson Digvijay Singh requested the media to focus on issues that Rahul Gandhi was speaking about at FTII and blamed the media for ignoring issue of Gajendra Singh’s appointment at FTII. Speaking to our reporter he said, “I agree that Rahul Gandhi has very good physique and he is the most eligible bachelor in India. Media can make a separate documentary on it and show it to the viewers. Right now we now to solve the FTII impasse. It seems the media wants to trivialize this issue.”

Our sources in the media said that choosing to focus on Rahul’s mucles was an obvious choice.

A reporter working for a news channel said,”We like to show what people want to see. Rahul Gandhi has always made public appearances wearing kurta. After a long time we have seen him dressed in casuals. It seems he has been working out as his toned biceps were apparent. He is single and popular among women. So what is wrong in focussing on his physique?”

Students at FTII were also seen discussing more about Rahul’s toned body than Mr. Chauhans appointment. Sunil Kumar, who is the Head of Students Body at FTII, also agreed that most students had come to see Rahul Gandhi and not listen to him.

Meanwhile, another new channel, oblivious of Congress party’s request was busy preparing its ground breaking report titled, ‘Kya hai Rahul Gandhi ke gathile badan ka raaz.’

Friday faking release: Hero

Innocent even after proven guilty.

Rat stops AI flight, media seeks rat’s religion to outrage about VVIPracism or MinorityRights

New Delhi: An Air India flight that was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a rat was found on board has now become a hot topic of debate with media desperately seeking to find out the religion of the rat, so that they can outrage about VVIPracism or MinorityRights.

“Mr. Rat, the nation wants to know your religion”

Speaking to Faking News, the Editor-in-Chief of a leading news channel said, “This is indeed breaking news for us. A rat has forced the government carrier to make an unscheduled stop. Previously it happened only in cases of suspected hostage crisis or some VVIP making unreasonable demand. We cannot just report it as ‘Rat forced flight to land’. It has to be given a religious twist. That is why we want to know the religion. If the rat belongs to majority we will outrage about VVIPracism and if not, we will outrage about MinorityRights.”

Hectic activity was seen in newsroom of the news channel as editors, reporters and journalists were seen discussing strategies to trend hash tags before the evening debate. The channel is trying all its best to access information about identity of the rat.

Spokesperson from both Congress and BJP were asked to be on standby just in case their services were needed to ‘add value’ to the debate.

Apparently, the channel wants to report it as ‘suppression of minority rights’ and how the rat was treated like a terrorist, in case the rat belongs to minority. If not minority, the channel plans to accuse the rat for forcing the aircraft to have an unscheduled stop and how it perpetuates VVIP culture.

Air India officials have also complained of being hounded by reporters and cameramen into revealing something that they are not aware of.

Media analysts say it is the TRP game that has blinded the media into giving a twist to every news report. “Have you ever heard of a rat belonging to any religion? When will media stop sensationalizing every damn news report,” questioned a media veteran.

Meanwhile, the helpless rat was seen being ushered into the newsroom even as the news anchor was busy rehearsing his outrage.

Adarsh Liberals to flood Whatsapp, Facebook etc with ‘inspirational’ quotes of Yakub Memon

Mumbai/New Delhi/JNU/Jamia Milia. Unable to save 93 Mumbai blast convict Yakub Memon from getting hanged, the frustrated lot of Adarsh liberals have not given up.

As a tribute to the innocent terrorist, they are now planning to flood WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter and all other social networking platforms with his ‘inspirational’ and ‘memorable’ quotes. They argue that now that judiciary and Modi govt has failed them, this is their only way of keeping ‘Idea of Yakub India’ alive.

Secularism and Intellectualism in every pixel of this pic

It should be recalled that immediately after former president APJ Abdul Kalam passed away, social networking platforms, media outlets etc were flooded with his inspiration quotes, which went viral and enthralled one an all.

While most of those were indeed spoken by Kalam, quite a few of them had their origins traced to daaru parties and past deaths of other legends.

The Adarsh Liberal brigade is now trying to create the same impact in the minds of young Indians wrt Yakub Memom, all of whom liberals fear will turn into jingoistic sanghis.

“Yakub Memon was an intellectual just like us, who became victim of this fascist regime, again just like us. Though we could not get to meet him, we are pretty sure he must have said some great things to stay about secularism, liberalism etc” argued Kavita Krishnan, one of the founding members of Adarsh Liberal brigade, when asked how they got access to stuff said by Yakub.

“Hanging a terrorist is like hanging his entire religion”, “Terrorism has no religion”, “Death penalty should be abolished”, “Hang Modi and Amit Shah for the crimes they have been acquitted off by courts” and some more like these were the sample quotes that Faking News reporter got access to while they were in process of getting compiled at Indian Express office in Nariman Point.

Candle making firms post huge profits as social activists hold back-to-back candle-light vigils to plead for terrorists

New Delhi: Candle making companies in the country are happy with bright business prospects as social activists and NGOs throughout the country are holding back-to-back candle-light vigils to plead mercy for terrorists. Many of the candle-makers who were on the verge of bankruptcy a few months back, are not only back in green but are even planning to hire from top B-schools in the country, indicating the deep pockets they now possess.

‘Acche din’ for candle makers.

Mr. Prakash Jwalantesheel the Managing Director of Beaver-brand Candles Inc. was talking to media during a candle-manufacturers business summit in New Delhi. He said, “Earlier we used to see a huge surge in business only during Diwali time when millions of candles were sold throughout the country within short span of time. But now we also see a huge surge before major court hearings for celebrity terrorists. I am very thankful to the social activists in the country for putting us in back into business by holding these numerous candle light vigils.”

He further continued, “During this recent attack in Punjab, we thought some terrorists might be captured alive and then these social activists will start doing candle-light vigils and mercy petitions for them, but that didn’t happen. We even sent 2 truckloads of creamy and off-white candles to the location in advance but that stock is now languishing there. We will shortly move it to the location of the next possible terror attack. For that our analysts are in constant touch with various social activist groups and NGOs since these people some-how know the locations of these attacks even before they happen.”

While business is good for these candle-makers they are also planning to give back to their customers in form of discounts and other promotional offers. Candle makers have now offered deep-discounts to big NGOs and social activists who hold more than 15 candle-light vigils per month.

Candle makers are also separating out the assembly lines for these NGOs and are going with 0% interest EMI options, hefty payment gateway discounts and a lenient payment schedule for these bulk-candle buying customers. NGOs who have been participating in Save Our Terrorists Campaign (SOTC) are already added to the list of premium customers by candle manufacturers.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Tired of being stereotyped based on surface color, kettle sues pot for calling it black

New Delhi: Tired of being profiled on the basis of the color of its surface for the better part of the century, the kettle has recently filed a lawsuit against the pot for indulging in ‘blatant colorism’.

A reflection of its own color.

In a statement issued to the press earlier today, it had this to say, “I have had enough of being constantly prejudged by the soot tarnishing my surface rather than the quality of the various beverages that’ve been made in me over the years. And while almost everyone seems to freely indulge in this colour-motivated prejudice, it is specifically the pot that I wish to see brought to justice since it is the root cause of all this stereotyping to begin with.”

Touching upon the matter of what it expects to gain from the lawsuit, the kettle stated, “I have full faith in the legal system to do what is right and regardless of how long it takes, I truly believe that once the pot is made answerable to the law, in time the people will also begin to see the error in their ways.”

Responding to the lawsuit soon after the news broke out, the pot issued its own statement to the press stating, “This back and forth between us has been going on for a while; I really don’t understand why the kettle has suddenly decided to take legal action now after all this time. The fact is that we’re both covered in soot to some degree or the other and if it cannot come to terms with this fact then it is clearly living in denial. My honest suggestion to the kettle would be to question why it feels that this is such a bad thing; every kitchen implement eventually gets there.”

He continued, “If it’s a question of finding the black color of soot objectionable then its time would probably be much better utilized going after the myriad manufacturers of fairness creams that have perfected the business of equating darkness with inherent inferiority. After all, until our makers stop indulging in such arbitrary prejudices, what hope will simple kitchen implements like us ever have?”

Public opinion on the subject remains divided, some claim that the idiom is meant to indicate that that the pot is erroneously targeting the kettle seeing its own sooty reflection in the kettle’s surface which they believe lends credence to the kettle’s complaint.

The majority, however seems to be of the opinion that the idiom merely highlights the hypocrisy of one soot-encrusted implement accusing another soot-encrusted implement of being encrusted with soot and as such the kettle should stop wasting the court’s time with such a frivolous matter.

Lawyers demand work from home, so that they don’t have to spend time in courts arguing ‘special cases’

New Delhi: A section of lawyers, today signed a petition asking the government to allow ‘work from home’ facility considering the odd working hours which they have to put up with when arguing ‘special cases’.

Lawyers hopeful that government will listen to their demand for ‘work from home’.

Speaking to Faking News, a lawyer practicing at the Delhi High Court said, “You cannot expect us to attend court at 3 am. We can stretch ourselves only for special cases not the regular ones. But lately these ‘special’ have become regular occurrences. With so many politicians and celebrities involved in legal issues, we anticipate more such ‘extended proceedings’. All we ask from the government is to introduce ‘work from home’ facility.”

Lawyers say that on an average, they end up working as many hours as an IT worker. Sometimes working 12 hrs and even on weekends.

“There are times when we have to work late nights on Saturday and also forced to wake up early next morning to listen to PM’s Mann ki Baat. If we put in so much effort, why shouldn’t we get the same facility like that provided by the IT industry,” questioned a lawyer under condition of anonymity.

Govt. has assured that it will look into this matter and ensure that lawyer’s demands are met. Sources within the govt say that this facility will go well with PM’s pet project to use technology as part of Digital India.

Meanwhile, noted lawyer and expelled BJP-MP Ram Jethmalani was not happy with the govt’s decision. He said, “These current bunch of lawyers are a lazy lot. Being a lawyer is a 24 by 7 job and these people are looking for short cuts. I have defended so many accused in my career. Do you know I did not sleep for days while defending Kanimozhi in 2G scam? Did I ask for facilitites?”

“This govt led by Narendra Modi is detrimental to the country. First he says he wants to do away with all the archaic laws and now he is introducing this facility. I am going to write an open letter to the PM stating that I am breaking up with him once again, even if it is on the eve of Friendship Day. My diminishing respect has diminished even further,” he said while pouring himself a peg of Jack Daniel’s.

Ekta to adapt Bajrangi Bhaijaan into Daily Soap, Munni to reach Pak in 250th episode

Mumbai: Saas-bahu evangelist and sister of superstar Tusshar, Miss Ekta Kapoor has finally decided on the inevitable. She has decided to adapt Bajrangi Bhaijaan into a Daily soap opera called ‘Agle Janam lautegi tohri bitiya (AJLTB), literally translating to, your kid lost in this birth will only return in next. Which according to sources might not be entirely wrong as Munni who gets lost in very first episode will reach Pak only after 250^th episode.

Bajrangi Bhaijaan, from a 3 hr movie to a 1000 episode serial. Thanks to Ekta Kapoor.

Talking to media Miss Ekta Kapoor provided further details. “Although it’s copied, AJLTB would be an original story in itself. And yes Munni will take atleast 250 episodes till she reaches Pakistan. In fact people will come to know that she is a Pakistani only around 200^th episode. Till then I will actually focus on love-triangle between Bajrangi, Rasika and Chand Nawab. Yes in my tele-series, Chand-Nawab comes into picture pretty early,” Ekta looked at her diamond rings and said.

She further continued, “But after 250^th episode when Munni reaches Pak, the story will move forward pretty fast. In fact Munni will be married by the 500^th episode and will have grand-kids by 750^th episode. In the 750^th episode Munni’s youngest grandkid Chunni will be lost again in India and this time Bajrangi’s grand-son Shivalik will save her and like his grandfather, he will take Chunni back to Pakistan. So basically if we get episode renewal from the TV channel beyond 750thh episode, the exact same story will be repeated with different characters and actors, for another 750 episodes,” Ekta adjusted her dress and said.

When asked if showing the same story repeatedly will work with audiences, Ekta heartily laughed for a few seconds and then said, “My stories are completely original, different, new and are totally different from each other.” She then got into another fit of laughter and walked out of the press conference laughing.

Although it is not yet clear on when the shooting would commence for AJLTB, but cast is largely finalized. Also a series of Yajna’s and detailed Pooja-path is already commenced on the sets of AJLTB and will continue for 1 month before shooting starts.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Eminent personalities write to Google seeking mercy for Google+

New Delhi. Around 40 eminent personalities, convinced that they understand issues better than anyone else including institutions of authority, have written to Google Inc. asking it to reconsider its decision to wind up its social networking arm Google Plus.

The group has jointly signed a petition that seeks mercy for Google+, claiming that its ‘death’ will show a bloodthirsty image of Google, which believes in doing no evil.

“Just because many people are not using Google+, you will close it down?” asked a shocked Sitaram Yechury of CPM, “Even our party is not getting people’s votes, so did we close it down? What kind of absurd and fascist logic is this?”

An eminent personality

Bollywood filmmaker Mahesh Bhatt too opposed the move saying Google+ had done no wrong.

“Yes, it was a copy of Facebook, so what?” Bhatt said, “I don’t see it as a copy. It was an inspired version, like my movies. My movies did well and there is no reason why Google+ won’t do well. It will be a shame if we close it down.”

Actor Shatrughan Sinha backed Mahesh Bhatt and criticized Google for taking a step that was against free speech, secularism, federalism, development, net neutrality, distribution of wealth, education, social justice, equality, and brotherhood.

“Khamosh!” he said when this Faking News reporter asked him to clarify how exactly.

Among other personalities, economist Amartya Sen too demanded mercy for Google Plus.

“As a netizen of the virtual world, I don’t want Facebook to be my prime social networking site,” he said, “Google’s autocratic decision to close down Google+ is interference in independent functioning of social networking websites. Everyone should resist such changes.”

Sen suggested that Google should be investing at least 27000 crore US Dollars more in running Google+, and one day it will beat Facebook.

The eminent personalities further claimed that such brute power of the majority will sound a death knell to the digital civilization where the minority voices must be respected.

“Is web traffic and pageviews everything for Google?” wondered one eminent personality about whom Faking News had no idea about, “There is a small group that still uses it. Their views and choices will not be respected?”

“Or is Google under pressure?” the personality added, “This is the only social networking website that is not infested by Hindutva elements. Could Modi be behind this arm twisting? Is this silencing of dissent? Is Emergency back in India?”

She came for a haircut, but demanded money from us for keeping her hair: Beauty Parlor owner on Pratibha Patil

Pune: Former President Pratibha Patil is no stranger to controversies, especially when they are related to liberal use of government resources and making unreasonable demands. Her recent demand for both government car and fuel reimbursement, when she is entitled to any one, seems to have taken things a bit too far. Many people have now started coming out with their experiences with the ex-President.

Ohh! I didn’t know I had to pay for it. Maybe next time.

Disgruntled beauty parlor owner, Mini Singh narrated her experience to our reporter. She said, “Ex-President had come to our parlor last week for a haircut. We assigned our best hair stylist to the job and we believe that we served her in the best possible way we could. But when it came to paying for the services she received, Pratibhaji refused and demanded that we pay her money instead for keeping her hair. I have never heard anything like this. I mean we have unreasonable customers at times but this is totally unprecedented.”

There were also unconfirmed reports that Pratibha Patil used her influence to intimidate the owner into making the payment. “No amount of reasoning would change her mind,” said an assistant working at the parlor.

It’s not just the parlor owner who is complaining. Others too have similar stories to narrate.

A restaurant owner, who had catered to Pratibha Patil said, “She had come with a group of friends for dinner on Saturday night. We were not sure if she would pay the bill, but fortunately she did. After she left we found a few things amiss. The bowl of sugar-coated fennel seeds, toothpicks and tissue papers were all missing. It is only after we checked the CCTV footage did we realize that she emptied the bowl of fennel seeds on her handkerchief and took it away.”

Sushant Patil, the secretary of a sports club in Pune had invited the ex-President as chief guest for their annual sports day function. He too became a victim of Pratibha Patil’s ‘I keep what I like’ syndrome.

“To make an appearance she not only made exorbitant monetary demands but also took some of the trophies with her, which were supposed to be given to the winners,” he said.

Meanwhile, Pratibha Patil in her defence has said that she did what she was habituated to while she held the office of the President of India. She did that with official gifts, government land and other benefits she received as President.

“Meri yehi pratibha hai. Jo accha lagta hai who rakh leti hu,” she concluded.

Raveena’s Bollywood comeback now in doubt after allegedly ‘communal’ tweet demanding hanging of terrorist

Mumbai. If actress Raveen Tandon had any plans of making a comeback in Bollywood, she will have to put them on hold now that she has tweeted an allegedly communal tweet from her official twitter account.

Raveena’s demand for hanging a terrorist who was rumored to have been caught alive in Gurdaspur attack, was deemed against the ethos of secularism and humanity.

Another pic shared by Raveena’s critics to prove that she is communal and that it may work against her.

“Read the tweet again, she had tweeted – Hope human rights activists and liberals now don’t demand biryani to be served to him – this clearly links a Muslim culinary item to terrorism. Shameful and communal!” explained a liberal cum News Anchor, who till yesterday was confused if one of the terrorists was Sikh or terrorists have no religion.

“Apart from that, she called for hanging of the terrorist. What blood-thirst!” the anchor added.

Experts feel that though Raveena may have earned brownie points among Twitter trolls, who must be hanged before terrorists, and Arnab Goswami, she has done irreparable harm to her chances of making a Bollywood comeback.

“You can’t run down and upset your paymasters. That’s the golden rule across industries,” said a film industry insider.

“Her only hope of actually bagging a film now is if it comes from Gajendra Chauhan’s production house. Otherwise it’s over for us,” he added. “I mean if not all she can at least forget getting any offers from eminent filmmakers like Mahesh Bhatt, Kabir Khan, Imtiaz Ali, Zoya Akhtar, Vishal Bhardwaj etc.”

When pointed that even the likes of Neha Dhupia, Shruti Seth, Diya Mirza, all with views contrary to those of Raveena, were not getting any films, the expert claimed that he was only talking about actresses who were successful at one point of time or even have a chance to make a comeback.

“Raveena was a star in 90s and movie goers still want to see her on screen,” he reasoned, “But all is not lost for Raveena. She can still team up with Chetan Bhagat and write something against ‘bhakts’ and everything will be forgotten and forgiven.”

Tough boss resigns because of overly demanding Cab driver

Bangalore: Unable to cope with the demands of his daily route Cab Driver, Manager at a leading software company here has finally resigned. He plans to commute by BMTC buses for remaining days of his notice period.

Overly demanding boss. Just like a Bangalore cab driver.

Manager in question, Partha Iyer, was known to be demanding and abusive to his colleagues. So much so that even in follow-up emails, he used harsh and abusive language.

But lately, since shifting home to a plush area, it was observed he had mellowed down and the change in his behavior was noticed by most of his co-workers.

“I haven’t filled my timesheets for 3 weeks now, yet he has not humiliated me in front of other employees like he always does,” said one subordinate, who wished not to be named for the fear he would have to fill the timesheets.

Our reporter caught with Partha, at the bus stop just when he had let a crowded bus go. “It all started with closing the cab door slowly. How do I tell that cabbie that that is just not my style? I don’t close doors, I slam them,” he explained.

Things only got worse when the boss was not at the pick spot on time for 2 consecutive days.

The Mr. Iyer defended himself that he had seen the missed call and had called back in half-minute. This reporter can confirm it to be true after going through the call records.

“But the cabbie blew it out of proportion to the extent that my CEO called from US to enquire whether I am taking a day’s leave,” said Partha.

He said he knew things had to be changed when even while taking shower he heard his mobile ringing and shivered fearing that it is the cab driver. His wife also confirmed, “Yes, he used to come out of bathroom 4-5 times thinking his mobile is ringing. Even forgetting to wrap the towel at times.”

After consulting a psychiatrist, the couple decided that it was better to resign from the job and find some work which is walkable distance from the house. The psychiatrist himself cycled his way to work.

“Some of these drivers think they are in driver’s seat,” said the psychiatrist for no reason using a pun, so carefully avoided by this reporter for this report.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

As part of road transport and safety bill, additional bushes to be created for traffic policemen to hide behind

New Delhi: As per Minister for Road Transport and Highways Mr. Nitin Gadkari, the proposed road transport and safety bill will provide additional safety measures for commuters as well as traffic police.

Mr. Gadkari, while speaking to our reporter said, “We have started working on mechanism to find out spots which cause major accidents. If there is a need, we will not shy away from marking every road and every street corner as accident prone zone. In addition, we will increase the font size used for hoardings that reads, Accident Prone Zone, Go Slow.”

Nitin Gadkari taking the first step towards creating hiding places for traffic policemen.

“We will also try to replicate the model Bangalore follows, for other cities. Adequate measures will be taken to create more and more traffic jams which will slow down the traffic and ensure that there are no accidents. We have plans to add more and more speed breakers so that people will be afraid of taking their vehicle out. I know some social media activists will put a selfie with comment that reads ‘today I drove on speed breakers, not roads’. I am not scared of such criticism, for me safety of people comes first,” he affirmed.

Mr. Gadkari further added, “In the past, my ministry officials have focused on safety measures of commuters to some extent whereas somehow we have completely ignored the safety measures of our traffic policemen. Now it is time for us to set it right.”

“The complaints I get from traffic policemen is about the alarming rate of reduction of blind corners, lack of sufficient bushes and trees on our roads for them to hide behind. If you notice, on our roads when traffic police are standing by, people drive safely. Everyone behaves like Amol Palekar and if they come to know there would be no traffic police on some roads or during some hours like it happens late night or early mornings, they drive like Salman Khan. That’s why the fear of the traffic policemen hiding behind a bush is necessary. This is the same reason Aam Aadmi Party proposed Lokpal. Once the fear of Lokpal is there in the minds of people, corruption will automatically go away,” he said.

“My ministry has done some studies and we found out that the bushes and trees which help our policeman are not being maintained properly. After road transport and safety bill passes through parliament, we will allocate additional funds for creation of new bushes as well as for their maintenance,” Mr. Gadkari told us.

In the meantime Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi has said that his party will oppose the bill in its present form. He told our reporter, “This suit boot ki sarkar does not want safety of its ordinary citizens. The traffic policemen hiding behind will not have courage to jump in front of high end SUVs or cars. Instead they will catch our poor farmers who use two-wheelers. We will disrupt the parliament and not let the bill pass.”

Shashi Tharoor says Times Now owes reparations to Rahul Gandhi for the interview with Arnab in 2014

New Delhi: In a passionate argument, Lok Sabha MP Shashi Tharoor demanded reparation payments to be made by Times Now news channel to Rahul Gandhi for the 200 minutes interview with Arnab Goswami, held before 2014 General elections.

Shashi Tharoor probably saying that almighty Arnab Goswami was unfair to Rahul Gandhi.

Putting forth his argument at the Oxfake Union he said, “Rahul Gandhi’s mental strength before the interview and after the interview showed huge difference and the decline in mental ability was apparent. Why? Simply because Rahul Gandhi had been interviewed for the benefit of Arnab Goswami and Times Now.”

“By the end of 2014 polls, the fact is that Congress party was already Arnab’s biggest cash cow, the biggest provider of TV advertisements. The channel earned revenues by showing scams, which gave Arnab an opportunity to bash Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha and thus garner TRP’s. Each TV ad cost us lakhs of rupees and we have spent billions in total for advertisements,” he added

“Let’s talk figures now. Before the interview, Rahul Gandhi used to watch Chotabheem 52 times per day. After the interview, this number fell to 22. There is a massive 87% drop in the time Rahul Gandhi spent on video games after the interview. More than 70% Congress leaders understood Rahul’s ideas and actions before the interview. Now only 26% understand and fortunately I am not one of them,” he said as he looked at the documents in his hands.

“The fact is very simple; we are not talking about reparations as a tool to empower anybody, definitely not about ‘Empowering Women’. They are a tool for you to atone, for the wrongs that have been done and I am quite prepared to accept the proposition that you can’t evaluate or put a monetary sum to the kind of horror Rahul Gandhi has suffered during those 200 minutes,” said Mr Tharoor.

“Certainly no amount of money can make good the loss. In fact, to understand the loss please listen to Rahul’s reaction after the interview. You are not going to figure out the exact amount but the principle is what matters,” he affirmed.

“As far as I am concerned, the ability to acknowledge your wrong that has been done and to simply say sorry will go to a great extent,” Mr. Tharoor concluded.

Though Times Now has not responded to Sashi Tharoor’s argument yet, nonetheless, our sources suggest that Sashi Tharoor recieved a call from Sonia Gandhi with all praises this morning.

Inspired by Chand Nawab, Shahid Afridi too asks for compensation, says his role was critical to Bajrangi Bhaijaan

Karachi: It’s not just the makers of Bajrangi Bhaijaan who wish to cash in on the success of the movie. Pakistani cricketer Shahid Afridi, who apparently is inspired by reporter Chand Nawab, too has asked for compensation.

Shahid Afridi asking for compensation for his cameo.

Speaking to Faking News from Karachi, Shahid Afridi said, “First of all let me congratulate Salman and boys for the wonderful movie. I am very happy that the movie is making a lot of money. I only want to say that I have played a critical role in the movie. The little girl in the movie, Shahida, is named after me. They could have named her Inzimama after Inzimam-ul-haq, but did they do that? There is also a scene where the little girl is watching me play cricket on the TV set. So you see how I have actually played a part in the movie. So am I wrong in asking for compensation?”

Afridi’s fans in Pakistan have lent their support to the cricketer. A ‘peaceful’ rally was held in support of the cricketer in Karachi, with fans demanding PM Nawaz Sharif to intervene in the matter.

But it’s not all support for Afridi, there has been criticism also. Former team-mates have censured Shahid Afridi for openly demanding compensation.

Former cricketer and team-mate Shoaib Akhtar blasted Afridi. He said, “Ye banda itna cheap hai. Isne apni clipper (caliber) dikha di. Yeh iski purani aadat hai. Mujhe yaad hai, jab hum practice ke liye jaate the, ye khud ko 12 saal ka bata kar bus mein half ticket se travel karta tha. Iski cheapness ke upar toh mai ek kitab likh sakta hu.”

Commentator Rameez Raza termed Afridi’s demand and childish and asked the media to ignore him. He said, “Shahid is ignorant in these issues. Woh abhi baccha hai aur usko ignore karna hi behtar hoga.”

But certain sections of Pakistani media are in no mood to ignore. A news anchor of a leading news channel, also popularly known as ‘Pakistans Arnab Goswami’, raised questions as to why Afridi is not getting support from the government and the military. “Awaam ko jawab chahiye”, he screamed, as other panelists nodded in agreement.

Govt employee shocked to find out that 84 year old APJ Abdul Kalam was working even on his last day

New Delhi. 33 year old govt employee Pramod Shukla was today stunned when he read that late ex-President APJ Abdul Kalam Azad was working even on his last day at the age of 84.

“Hain? I just went through the schedule Kalam sahib was having since last 3-4 days. Here, I may not have worked this much since joining, which he seemed to have in these days,” said Pramod as he wrote a 25 day leave application.

After lot of googling, Shukla finally found a pic of Kalam sitting idly, which he liked the most

Pramod who is leading a nice retired life ever since getting employed in audit department after passing the SSC exam, was shocked that even former President and Bharat Ratna hasn’t been able to enjoy the fruits of retired life.

“That is why you should never work and achieve so much that it becomes a curse and comes back to haunt to you for rest of your life. I mean had he feigned mediocrity like me, he would have never been expected and forced to go and impart his knowledge and learning to others after 60,” Pramod told Faking News, while coaching new SBI joinees.

“He should have taken a UPSC or SSC exam like me and the word ‘work’ would have ceased to exist in his dictionary,” he went on to elaborate, with thunderous applause from colleagues.

Meanwhile another 23 year old man working as student on Facebook wonders if Abdul Kalam was scientist or a writer after reading some 100 quotes attributed to him since yesterday.

“I remember some of these quotes were same as the ones attributed to Steve Jobs after he died. Now I am confused who is original,” he told Faking News.