Faking News - leading news satire website of India: May 2015

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Scared of weather, Infosys employee fakes own death after being posted to Chennai

Bangalore. In a bizarre incident, an employee with one of India’s leading IT service providers, Infosys, faked his own death on learning that he had been posted to Chennai. Ashok Gurnani, 25, took this drastic step after being informed of his immediate relocation by the management.

The incident came to light when Gurnani went missing after leaving for home from his office last week. Later in the day, a suicide note was recovered from his rented accommodation in Bangalore claiming that he would be unable to adjust to the Chennai weather and that he had decided to end his life by jumping into the Bellandur lake. “I was eating moongfali (peanuts) wrapped in a paper when I suddenly noticed a familiar handwriting on it. It turned out to be the suicide note,” said Anand Pandey, his flatmate.

Ashok was further scared when he google Chennai weather and found such pics.

The Bangalore Police, however, refused to search the lake to recover the body as they claimed to have better things to do. “One drowned IT guy in Bangalore hardly makes a difference. I’m sure the company will find a suitable replacement,”said an inspector on condition of anonymity.

The mood in Infosys was also similar. “Who cares? This means I’m going onsite first,” exclaimed Manish Bhatia, his colleague and close friend on being asked about his colleagues whereabouts. His Project Manager Lakshmi Narayan ,was even less sympathetic. “He better be dead, he still hasn’t submitted the report which was due last Friday.”

However, there was a twist in the tale as Gurnani was spotted in a Buddhist monastery in Ladakh. It came to light that he had escaped to Ladakh under a false name and sought refuge in the Tagna monastery. “I have never seen a more soulless being in my life. This man has clearly stared death in the eye and has been through hell,”said the head monk. Gurnani refused to talk to Faking News thinking we had been sent by his Project Manager to escort him back to Chennai.

Whether he returns to the city life remains to be seen, but despite his antics, Ashok Gurnani has become an inspiration to thousands of IT employees around the country who are faced with similar complications in their career.

Drones to be used this summer to stop kids from stealing mangoes from trees

Bangalore. In a move that can turn fortunes around for a bogged down ingenious defense industry, Hindustan Aeronautics Limited (HAL) is planning to launch drones which will prevent mangoes from being stolen by mischievous kids. HAL which seems to have been bypassed by the govt on key defense deals now plans to win back its favor by curbing the biggest menace the country faces every summer.

This move comes as a huge relief to ~~cranky~~ concerned mango tree owners. One such guy Mr. Himsagar Kumar narrated his pitiful tale, “As soon as May comes I start bolting all my gates and even carry an annual maintenance of all my fences but even that doesn’t stop these kids from entering my garden. What’s more crazy is that they can come anytime. Once at night I heard some rustle outside and thought my son who works in the IT industry has returned but after seeing that its just 11:00 PM, I rushed outside to see these kids merrily vandalizing my tree. After that I even hired a watchman but even he used to merrily eat my mangoes while on duty.”

Relief for Mango tree owners.

With these drones Mr. Kumar now hopes to peacefully enjoy the 15 odd mangoes his tree yields him every year.

The drone reportedly has a 3 layer protection plan. Initially it plans to scare off most of the kids with its grotesque size and unbearable noise. For those who remain, there are 2 brooms attached to it in place of missile launchers to shoo the kids off. And if even that fails, the drone would start playing Bombay Velvet on its LED screen. But for that 1 in a million kid who refuses to leave even after this, the authorities have other plans.

A senior engineer on conditions of anonymity said, “This guy’s courage, dedication, stamina, persistence and ability to fight is being wasted in stealing mangoes. For him we plan to request Arnab to allow him a place at his Newshour debates. Surely this guy would make a terrific panelist.”

This move though has come as serious disappointment to some of the kids who had even received training from the Kashmiri separatist youth in the art of throwing stones. One such kid named Boulder Singh tried to defend their gang, “Our job isn’t just vandalizing trees, it involves serious physics as well. We have to take into account the air drag, the projectile curvatures, relative velocity and other serious principles. I was even planning to do it as my holiday homework project.”

The kids are now planning to undergo training in guerrilla warfare to evade these drones.

Man learns ‘Locking-Popping’ dance form by traveling daily in a bus

Bengaluru. The city of start-ups has provided its daily commuters with another idea, that is, learning ‘Locking-Popping’ dance form while travelling in BMTC buses.

This newly discovered idea came out from the sluggish mind and stiff body of Mr. Kemo D’Pausa, who claims to have learnt this novel art of dancing within 2 weeks when he just joined an IT company and used to travel by BMTC buses, which are known for giving more jerks and jitters than the competitive exams results.

Kemo’s favourite dance move

While filling the audition forms for a dance reality show “Naach India Naach…with tagline as ‘Baap ke Paise par’ which will be judged by all time famous dancers Sonali Bendre and Ketan Bhagat, Kemo said, “ In the initial days I used to struggle a lot while travelling via buses as I had to adjust my body every 5 to 10 seconds due to one or the other reason like random brakes applied by the driver, quick acceleration if the driver sees some white space in Whitefield or in any other area. But after sometime I thought of applying my scientific mind and hence started using the phenomenon of ‘Inertia of Rest and Motion’. This is the first ever thing I had applied in my life which I read in my science books. As a consequence, I found myself getting mastered in Locking and Popping as my body became customary to the motions produced by bus which I was able to coordinate perfectly with my flexible body and mind.”

On asking which is his favourite dance move, Kemo said, “When the driver suddenly applies the brakes, I lean my body forward with my feet stuck at the same place, just like Michael Jackson. Earlier I was not comfortable with this step and have got lot of slaps and beatings from female passengers on whom I used to fall down intentionally when I used to try this, whenever the driver applied brakes, but now I am an expert at it.”

Sources claim that Kemo is also planning to take a bus on rent and start his ‘BMTC Locking Popping dance academy’ in it, which will come as a relief for the voyagers who travel 4 hours at an average daily between office and home.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Jon Snow obtains above 90% marks in best of 4 subjects, finally proves he actually knows nothing

Westeros. Jon Snow a student of Delhi Public School Winterfell (DPS Winterfell) who is famous for “knowing nothing” has finally successfully passed all class 12^th subjects thereby proving he actually “knows nothing” about these subjects. He apparently obtained above 90% marks in his best of 4 subjects, Political Science, Physical Education, History and Engineering Drawing which according to experts is a clear indication of him having no actual knowledge of these subjects.

Celebrity politician and now in exile fugitive Tyrion Lannister who once coached Jon Snow on the merits and demerits of being a “bastard” is apparently very disappointed. Talking to a leading news channel King’s Landing Public Debate Television (KLPD-TV) via video conferencing he said, “Like a lot of kids both north and south of the wall our Jon Snow also has scored above 90% in this year’s board exams. I congratulate him. But I ask a simple question, has he really learned something? Does he really “know” these subjects? I am also a high school drop-out, but people all throughout Westeros know how knowledgeable I can be. I am quite disappointed with Jon Snow, I actually thought he knew something.”

Jon Snow’s long-time girlfriend and now fiancée Ygritte “The Wildling” has also expressed severe disapproval on his exam results. She was not reachable for comments as she is currently traveling deep-north of the wall, however she expressed her disapproval in detail on Jon’s Facebook wall.

Jon Snow’s wall

While media is having a field day with Jon Snow’s board percentage and is getting comments from other demi-celebs such as Stannis Baratheon, Lord Baelish, Lord Varys and select wildlings, Jon may already be denied admission into Westeros University (WU) where the admission cut-offs are again going to be above 100% this year. Consequently several trial by combat events have also been scheduled in next few days for thousands of students with 100% marks to fight it out for very few university admission seats.

New online portal by Rail ministry announced for booking train tracks for protests

New Delhi. With train tracks becoming the new battleground for various political and social organizations and groups, it has been found that more and more people are found on the tracks rather than travelling by them.

In response to this development, the Railway Ministry has decided to lease train tracks to various NGO’s and political organizations in order to provide a platform to raise their grievances and generating awareness about their plight by stopping passengers travelling in these trains.

When contacted, a railway official who did not wish to be named, responded by saying that with the railways suffering a severe cash crunch, with a poor operating ratio of 93.5% in the current fiscal year, this represents the last golden opportunity for the Indian Railways officials to generate a little bit of cash for themselves before the Indian railways go bankrupt.

Huge prospects for the new portal.

In the new scheme there will also be also provision for premium track booking, keeping in mind the interests of various 5 star activists who have sprouted in the current government’s tenure. Economists, irrespective of political orientation too have lauded the move.

It has found support amongst various cyber café and net operators also, as they hope that with the contract for designing the web portal being awarded to the same company, the average booking time on this portal is expected to be as long or even longer than the IRCTC portal raising their consumer base and widening their bottom lines.

However, not all are happy regarding this move of the ministry, Shivam Latesh, a regular train track jumper said that with train tracks being contracted out, he will have to resort out to coming on time to ensure that he does not miss his train. He along with other track jumpers, in order to protest against this gross injustice being meted out to them, are themselves planning to highlight their plight by the medium of road blockades.

According to sources, the Ministry of Road Transport and Highways is already looking at the implementation of this program with great interest, with senior babus in the ministry being instructed to prepare a model that can be quickly implemented in the road sector also.

After a record smashing “But we’re just good friends” replies, Man changes his permanent address to Friendzone

New Delhi. In a recent turn of events, authorities were baffled to find that a citizen, Bittu Singh had appealed to get his permanent address changed from Pilot Court, Essel Towers to Friendzone.

India TV reporters flooded the man’s house to know the full story. Below are the excerpts from their (over)detailed story :

Bittu, a regular guy who grew up on bollywood movies had just one dream in his life. It was to have a girl with whom he could dance in the rains, run in the fields, sing on the roof and finally get married in an obnoxiously melodramatic extended family function. This is a tale of late 90’s, when this was the most you could do with a girl. As years passed, Bittu grew and so did cinema. This was the time of a change, a revolution in the industry. Romance needed more, the hunger for love had grown manifold. Scenic Switzerland had stopped giving orgasms and intermittently touching flowers no longer symbolized deflowering.

Bittu’s FB DP.

This was the era of ‘Imran Hashmi’ & ‘Sunny Leone’.

While everybody else seemed interested to witness this new found art of expressing love, Bittu’s imaginations had just found a new dimension. His life’s screenplay had changed forever, tongue had to do so much more than just spitting cheesy dialogues, action sequences were not fights anymore, the chase after heroine in the fields ended up in a way it never did before.

He reached college a handsome, ambitious man, with x-ray eyes scanning the female lead. After days and days of fruitless efforts and with a terrible pain in his over-worked eyes, he went to a temple nearby and inspired from the famous Amitabh Bachhan scene, clinged to the bell for hours asking/pestering God to give an answer to this situation. After a lot of delay and with least interest, like any other high authority office, God finally smiled and said to him those 3 magical words, “Dude, Engineering College”. After that it dawned upon him that all he had seen in these days were males and non-males, no females whatsoever. All his efforts were in vain. He thanked God for this enlightenment and moved ahead to correct this mistake.

He went to a commerce college nearby and couldn’t believe his eyes. Pretty girls and dumb guys all around restored his faith in humanity. His life’s goal was right in front of him. He being blessed with super-stalker skills, thanks to his engineering hostel experience, at once befriended a lot of potential K,K,K Kirans for him. Hence began the auditioning of his dream.

The first girl he went out on coffee with told him, “You’re too good for me, you’d get a better girl”. He took it seriously and never really understood the hidden message to F Off. The second one he got close with stopped him right when he was going in for that famous kiss saying, “Dude, we’re friends”. The third one literally slapped him when he proposed to her after spending a zillion hours talking, knowing and appreciating each other crying “You’re just like everyone else”. And likewise, he got rejected(indirectly) by around 123 others. He always thought that he was getting close while all he was doing was falling deep inside his new home, Friendzone. The harder he tried, the deeper he fell, so much so that the movie ‘Inception’ started seeming shallow. Hence came forth the decision of changing his permanent address to Friendzone as it was the place he was reduced to permanently.

Experts call this phenomenon ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’ jinx. How Rahul glorified Friendzoning just killed it for all the forthcoming generations, Dr.Verma(PhD,Failed Relationships) told our reporters. Friendship bands are the new Rakhis, albeit much deadlier.

The only fear that grief-stricken Bittu has now is what if his wife friendzones him. He’s in constant touch with AlokNath, discussing how to have a harmonious family life and is performing all the possible aartis and yagnas for the same . He seems to have realized that Imran Hashmi is a far-fetched dream, even a Shahid Kapoor from ‘Vivaah’ would be deemed success enough.

He has also appealed to the youth to abandon and protest against delusional western customs like ‘Friendship’s day’ to save future generations from such perils.

Friday Faking Release: Jhootha Hi Sahi

After finding that there are 3 more Muslim families staying in the building where Misbah Quadri claimed she was denied flat due to her Muslim identity, majority of the mainstream media chose not to report it and instead of correcting its mistake, chose to release this movie.

“So what is she is lying?. As long as it helps our narrative, everything is fine”: Media

Liberals support homophobic pamphlet at IIT Madras as it contains criticism of Modi

Chennai. A student group in IIT Madras named Ishq-Wala-Love was banned by institute authorities after an anonymous letter pointed out that the group has been spreading homophobic messages on the campus.

However, the group has found support from a set of people identifying themselves as “liberals”, because one of the pamphlets of the group criticized Prime Minister Narendra Modi.

“Student group banned for criticizing Modi. Freedom of speech under threat by fascist government!” declared a tweet by Niranjan Sharma, a liberal who finds dissenting views disgusting and worth curbing under “reasonable restrictions” allowed by the Indian constitution.

Another group of student has demanded that IIT Madras should be renamed to JNU-South

When Faking News found out the kind of pamphlets published by Ishq-Wala-Love, we found that many of those were deeply homophobic. However, one pamphlet criticized Modi.

“Modi left his wife after marriage. He is destroying ishq and love. He loves only his men, not women.” read the beginning of the pamphlet, which went on to make disparaging remarks about homosexuals.

But it appears that “liberals” like Sharma couldn’t read after the first sentence and decided to support Ishq-Wala-Love because it had criticized Modi, and even better, attacked his personal life.

“To be honest, I didn’t read all of their pamphlets. I was ecstatic after reading the first line and decided that this group deserves support,” conceded Rana Choudhary, one of the “liberals” who had already composed a 2500 words article on how free speech was being curbed in Modi’s India.

When contacted, the institute authorities claimed that the group was neither banned for their pamphlets nor criticism of Modi, but because they had chosen name of their organization that was not in accordance with institute rules. But this explanation was rejected by everyone.

Latest report suggest that under media pressure, the ban on the group has been removed by IIT Madras, and Rana Choudhary is now writing another article on how homophobic groups like Ishq-Wala-Love are spreading hatred under Modi’s India.

Priyanka demands under-sea petroleum well in Amethi, criticizes Smriti for ignoring people’s basic needs

New Delhi: In an exclusive interview with Faking News upcoming youth-face of Congress party Mrs. Priyanka Gandhi has severely criticized Smriti “Tulsi” Irani for not taking care of Amethi’s natural resources. She has also demanded immediate creation of an under-sea petroleum well in Amethi, so that Amethi can be converted into a self-sustainable SPZ (Special Political Zone). Below is the exclusive interview:

Reporter: Hello ma’am.

Priyanka Gandhi: Naamaaste *Folds both hands in the peculiar Namaste fashion*

Reporter: Namaste ji Namaste

Priyanka: Did I do it right, the Namaste thing?

Reporter: Yeah, it was fine, just like foreigners do.

Priyanka: Great! People in this country are very particular about this Namaste thing, so I have been practicing it a lot these days.

Reporter: Ok, so shall we start?

Priyanka: Yes, see my husband Robert Vadra is a very kind soul. “Zameen” se jude hue insaan hain wo (he is a man tied to his roots and a well-grounded fellow).

Reporter: No but this interview is about your recent comments on Amethi, but if you want to talk about Mr. Vadra I think that would form a more interesting conversation

Priyanka: No I think, I was confusing you with another reporter, we will only talk about Amethi

Reporter: No but you were saying that he is a kind soul…

Priyanka: No let’s talk Amethi

Reporter: No but …

Priyanka: WHEN I SAY WE WILL TALK AMETHI, WE WILL TALK AMETHI. Do you want me to unchain the Dobermans?

Reporter: No let’s talk Amethi

Priyanka: So I think current central government has already ignored people of Amethi a lot, Mrs. Tulsi Virani should answer for this ignorance.

Reporter: You mean, Mrs. Smriti Irani should ..

Priyanka: Yeah whatever that lady’s name, he surname is not Gandhi, that’s what I know. See there are two kind of people in this world. Gandhis and non-Gandhis, she should know which bucket she falls in. She should also understand that the kind of intellectual intoxication Gandhi surname gives to media and lobbyists in India is unparalleled.

Reporter: So you are saying that Mrs. Smriti Irani should focus on education of youth in Amethi.

Priyanka: First of all Mrs. Shilpa Hirani should create an under-sea petroleum well in Amethi. Current government has been ignoring the energy needs of poor Amethi people for a long time now. BJP government has ignored Amethi more in 1 year than Congress party ignored Amethi in 10 years.

Reporter: But Mrs. Smriti Irani is the HRD minister, how can she create a petroleum reserve? And also how can you even create an under-sea …

Priyanka: I don’t understand this ministry thing, I understand royal hierarchies. This is a broken thing and Mrs. Smita Durani should just fix it.

“What a wonderful Namaste”

Reporter: Apart from the ministry jurisdiction, Amethi is not a coastal region so how can it have under-sea petroleum well?

Priyanka: See this is the kind of narrow thinking the people of your country should avoid.

Reporter: My country only….??

Priyanka: I will give you a specific example. Last month Rob bought a piece of land at dirt cheap prices from few farmers. Later on we surprisingly found oil wells in that land?? Voila, we sold it at a very high price afterwards … but that was possible because we were open minded about it. We somehow had that “gut feeling” that this land would have had oil. Others did not have that gut feeling. So I would say keep your mind open, we can actually create under-sea oil reserves in Amethi. And Mrs. Sheila Kejwani should help us create it.

Reporter: You mean Smriti Irani

Priyanka: Yeah, yeah the lady which speaks slowly and clearly yet menacingly and even then the people like her. Not sure why people like her, even though she is not a Gandhi, quite strange.

Reporter: Ma’am you have also asked for an IIT in Amethi

Priyanka: Five

Reporter: Five?

Priyanka: Yes 5 IITs, 5 IIMs, 2 IISc, that is on the infrastructure road-map already. Other than that for international exposure to Amethi Kids we were initially talking to some senior administrators at MIT, Harvard, Stanford etc. but then one gentleman told me that combined knowledge of MIT, Harvard, Stanford and European schools knowledge can be obtained at only one place, i.e. IIPM.

Reporter: So we will be having an IIPM Amethi too?

Priyanka: Having? It has already been inaugurated 3 days back and a batch of 75 students from Delhi have already started an online distance learning 1 year B.Tech. + MBA combined program at IIPM Amethi. IIPM towers are not yet build completely though.

Reporter: What are your thoughts on one year of Modi government?

Priyanka: Who’s Modi?

Reporter: Come’on ma’am, you don’t know who Mr. Narendra Modi is?

Priyanka: Is he someone from the Gandhi family?

Reporter: No, but he is …

Priyanka: Irrelevant question then.

Reporter: But …

Priyanka: See I am a people’s person. My whole hearted concern is welfare of people of Amethi. 5 IITs, 5 business hotels, 5 space research stations, 5 AIIMs hospitals and 5 under-sea petroleum wells. That is the 5 x 5 solution I am working on. My management consulting team sent me this 5 x 5 matrix last week, I can email it to media later once I have thrashed it out with my executive team.

Reporter: One last question …

Priyanka: Ok I would need to stop this interview now, my helicopter is waiting for me. I have my business lunch scheduled with a few poor-people at Taj Amethi today. If I am delayed they would be hungry. And hungry poor-people is something which me and Rahul just can’t see.

Reporter: Is that why you did not “see” poor people during your days of power?

Priyanka: Security, have the Dobermans been fed? Oh they are hungry still?

Reporter: I’ll be leaving ma’am, thanks a lot for your time.

Salman fans feeling cheated after finding a script in Bajrangi Bhaijaan trailer

Mumbai. Although Bajrangi Bhaijaan’s trailer that was released yesterday, received generally positive reviews from public and critics alike, some hardcore Salman Khan fans were shocked to find the film actually having some story line.

“This is cheating. I mean I did not sign up to be a Salman fan for such shit. If script or story was what I was interested in, I would much rather have been a Irfan Khan or Naseeruddin Shah fan,” argued a Salman fan, pointing to the enormously high number of thumbs up the trailer received on YouTube.

“What is a talented actor like Nawazuddin doing in the film?” fans asked.

“After all the support we showed for him over last month, this is how he treats us. This is not done. We are feeling like intellectuals now. It’s such a disgusting feeling,” said another fan who was expecting lot more action scenes, some cool, attitude driven dialogues and topless shots of Salman.

While most fans were disappointed, some were still hopeful and did not want to jump to any conclusion in haste.

“I am just keeping my fingers crossed and praying that when the film releases, my worst fears don’t come true and that the film turns out to be like all previous typical Sallu bhai films,” said a Salman fan, who was confident given Salman’s past films, the film would live up to ‘no-expectations’.

Some of the more aggressive fans however threatened makers of throwing the prints of the film in Mantralaya, if they don’t edit out sensible scenes from the film’s next trailer.

They even warned Salman of ditching him.

“If he doesn’t mend his ways soon, we will soon turn ourselves into SRK fan. At least he respects sentiments of his fans doesn’t do any film that could go over their heads,” a fan told Faking News.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

CBSE toppers confident of working under a future boss who passed with mere distinction

New Delhi. School students who have topped this year CBSE 12th exams met in the national capital to celebrate their success. During the success meet, they expressed their confidence that they will be working like a donkey under a boss who would had probably failed in his/her CBSE exams.

Students praying they don’t top.

Speaking to Faking News, one such national level topper from Chennai, said, “I owe my success to my parents. If not for them, I would not have been able to secure such high marks. I will join Engineering, do research and later join an IT company with a six-digit salary (few digits after decimal point). Later, I would be working under a boss who would have got six-digit rank when he wrote his CBSE 12th exam. I feel so happy thinking of my future path.”

Another national level topper from Hyderabad, said, “I studied very hard for this exam. I’m thankful to God for making me a topper. I just wish I can complete my Engineering here and get to onsite quickly in 5 years. My bava is already in Charlotte, North Carolina.”

“There is no stopping me now. After all I have worked very hard to climb up the ladder of corporate slavery later in my professional life,” he added.

At the end of success meet, all the toppers unanimously accepted that they will not be in any sort of news for the rest of their lives.

Meanwhile a common friend of these toppers, who passed the exam with just distinction was asked to give party by these toppers as his chances of becoming a CEO and leading a batch of toppers like them, have become brighter now.

Man misses his station to stare back at co-passenger who stared at him while traveling in Metro

New Delhi. A Gurgaon based man today missed the station he was supposed to get down at in his bid to stare back at a man who stared at him while traveling in Delhi metro.

25 year old Randeep Ahlawat, who boarded metro from Huda city centre station and was supposed to get down at MG Road station traveled all the way to Civil Lines where the man staring at him finally got down.

Having won the battle, a tired Randeep later boarded a metro back to Gurgaon.

Faking News spoke to a jubilant Randeep whose eye balls were fixed at one position due to the unprecedented amount of strain he put them into.

Randeep with his friend.

“I am never the first one to stare at a co-passenger until and unless it happens to be a girl,” he told Faking News. “But nevertheless I am last the last one to blink my eyes if someone decided to stare at me. My father has always taught me ‘Never start a stare but always be the last one to finish it’. It’s all about self respect and family’s pride.”

“I mean just how could I get up and leave when his eyes were still fixed at me. That would have meant I have accepted defeat,” he went on to explain. “And I had to also stare back at him for at least 1 min longer than he stared at me.”

“Though initially I was a bit uncomfortable as I was getting this gayish feeling, but thanks to my ego and the culture I come from, I decided to take him head on, literally,” he revealed. “Also it being extremely hot outside due to summers and metro being air conditioned was another motivation.”

The onlookers of the fierce battle claim that while Randeep had his weak moments in between when his eyes were beginning to give up, betraying his determination, having not blinked for close to an hour. But he held them with his fingers and went on with the job.

Latest reports suggest that Randeep had still not reached his destination as he got himself involved in another stare-battle with statute of a local leader, whom he thought was staring at him.

Tata Motors launches “Seldom”, a brand new series for customers who rarely take their cars out

Mumbai. India’s auto industry giant Tata Motors has reportedly launched Seldom, a limited edition model in its rare cars segment, after a thorough market research revealed specific behavior pattern of customers.

Faking News reporters spoke to Tata Motors’ Media Interaction Head, Kuchbhi Singh and here’s what he had to say about Seldom.

“A picture of Sharma uncle’s ‘Tata Seldom’ that’ll be taken out of garage only after 3 months from now i.e., during Monty’s wedding.”

“Tata Motors has always exceeded customers’ expectations and even in this model, we’ve ensured reality exceeds what customers expect. It all started when our market research team adopted new and innovative techniques to come up with facts and figures that really made a difference in customers’ lives,” he said.

“Hundreds of our marketing agents surveyed residential colonies across the country and found that, even during working days cars were neatly covered with no signs of them being driven in near future. In some cases, men clad in lungi-baniyan cleaned it even better than what bus cleaners do. To our agents’ surprise, 90% of them covered back their cars after cleaning and rode to work on rival manufactured bikes,” he disclosed the findings.

“A large section of car owners had one pattern of behavior in common; taking the car out ‘only’ on occasions like weddings and receptions. Later, it was found that this population had a large subset who drove in cars only if function halls were within city limits. All of this research led to our new product – Seldom, with a bill fitting tag-line: for occasional occasions,” finished explaining Kuchbhi as a huge round of applause followed.

Sources say, rival car manufacturers have already started luring Tata’s marketing agents with offers they wouldn’t want to refuse.

While filling restaurant feedback-form customer asks for extra sheets to write, other customers shocked

Mumbai: In a bizarre incident at Jagneel Family bar and restaurant, a customer by name Pankaj Khandekar ended up asking for extra sheets while filling up the restaurant feedback form, thereby shocking other customers and restaurant staff.

As soon as Pankaj asked for the extra sheets, the otherwise noisy and bustling restaurant suddenly came to a complete silence. Customers on all other tables were looking at Pankaj with extreme disbelief, as he was with provided extra sheets and he continued to diligently pen down additional lines of feedback. Many of the onlookers were reportedly reminded of their exam days in school, when they used to be at loss of words to fill-up in the original answer sheet yet one of their co-students was taking extra sheets upon sheets, having already filled the original one.

Apparently one wasn’t enough for him

Pankaj reportedly took 3 extra sheets to complete his feedback, then capped his pen with utmost style and then valiantly got up and handed the complete feedback to the restaurant invigilator (manager). He then looked down upon at all the other customers with a victorious smirk and coolly left the restaurant premises.

Mahesh Borker who was seated next to Pankaj later described the incident as a horrible nightmare , “Oh man, when he asked for extra sheets, I immediately lost my appetite. I also had the restaurant feedback form kept in front of me, but all I could write was that the soup was tasteless and ice-cream was melted when served, I didn’t even fill up the complete space on the original form sheet. I don’t know why that guy needed extra sheets for a restaurant feedback? I used to be a confident man, but after this incident I am broken from the inside.”

Pankaj Khandekar, the man himself, labelled the whole incident a usual one. He said, “I used to be a restaurant owner before I lost lakhs in that business and closed out 2 years back. Now I am a content writer. So you see I am a lethal combo, being a content writer I can write a lot and when it comes to food business, I can write endlessly.”

“Taking 3 to 4 extra sheets is a norm for me. When I visit 5 star hotels I usually fillup 10 to 15 sheets. I comment on food quality, texture, taste and nourishment values of the products used. I also comment in detail on the way food was brought to the table and how it could have been served better. I then provide my inputs on ambiance, décor and how it can be improved, what building materials can be used. I also comment on dressing and serving style of waiters, bar dancers and other peripheral staff. Then I get into the real profit and loss part of it. I estimate how much the restaurant is earning and how much more it can earn if my suggestions are followed. Now that is something I call feedback,” a beaming Pankaj concluded.

While Pankaj is expecting restaurant owners to call him and sign him up for freelance consulting assignments with them, he admits having received no such calls until now despite giving detailed feedbacks in over 150 restaurants across Mumbai. One of the restaurant owners however talked to us on condition of anonymity and said Pankaj’s feedback is generally some serving and plating style tips copied word to word from top restaurant journals. Pankaj has even been seen filling the feedback form by copying sentences written on small parchi (pieces of paper) which he secretly keeps below the table on his lap, a habit he is carrying from his exam days.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Laborer with 5 KG cement sack on back, mistakenly runs through a 10K marathon, wins by huge margin

Mumbai: In a sensational turn of events a construction worker by name Bheekhu was declared the winner of Mumbai 10K marathon after he accidentally ran the whole marathon route while carrying a heavy cement bag between two of the city’s major construction sites. Apparently the route taken by Bheekhu between the two construction sites completely overlapped with the Mumbai marathon route and hence he was noticed by the organizers while running on the race track at an unbelievable pace. Bheekhu was later declared a winner by a huge margin as he completed the whole race in less than an hour where the next best participant could only finish it up in 1 hour 25 minutes.

Bheekhu who works as a daily-wage worker at a new housing society being constructed on the outskirts of the city later talked to news channels in detail. Bheekhu told media that on that morning he was actually instructed by his supervisor to quickly carry a 5 KG cement sack to a “nearby” construction site 15 Kms away, where the construction team was facing some cement shortage. Bheekhu immediately picked up a 5 KG cement bag and started running towards the other site. Since he was in such a hurry to reach the other site he accidentally aced the 10K too which featured exactly in the middle of his route.

Bheeku in action!

Another 10K participant Rohail Bandookwala, an import-export businessman, who came 2^nd in the 10 K was not very happy with the result and poured his emotions in front of media. He said, “I have been doing a rigorous 3 hours work-out daily since past 6 months. I had even cut down severely on carbs and have been focusing a lot on my running strategy. I was desperately hoping to win this event, but from nowhere a beggar like person comes, beats me squarely and wins the race?”

“And let me put things in perspective here. Firstly I was wearing my Duma super-bubble extra support Alexander-series shoes which I recently bought online for Rs. 11,562 and that majdoor was just running barefoot. Is that even allowed? Secondly, I was in proper racing gear and he was not. I was wearing my flexi-knee caps, the official 10K T-shirt, and also my shoulder pack that keeps my mp3 player intact. On the contrary that laborer was running adhoc without even a T-shirt? This is not acceptable sir, I will strongly complain against it. I was one of the best contenders and still I was found to be no match for the person who had not even registered for the 10K? I stand defeated for no mistake of mine,” Bandookwala fumed in anger.

While Bheekhu is being criticized for his actions by several race-participants, Rubeena Chewingumwala one of the chief organizers of 10K was all praises for Bheekhu, “Bheekhu is a lovely personality. I talked to him for an hour and I find him simple, humble yet extremely capable. What no one is talking about is the fact that he not only ran the whole distance in around 45 minutes, he also did it with a 5 KG cement sack on his back. That is a world record in itself.”

“Also let us not forget he did not run just 10 Kms he actually ran 15.7 Kms, the total distance between the two construction sites. It’s just marvelous to see a super-human, dressed in torn rags, innocently achieving record breaking feats and yet staying modest about it. To be frank I would have actually dated him if he were a bit more classy,” 28 year old Ms Chewingumwala said with a blushing smile.

While Bheekhu may have won many hearts with this feat, he may not finally receive rewards for this victory in 10K as several other marathon participants have registered strong complaints against him on technical grounds for participating and winning race without wearing proper racing gear and without registering for the event.

However a local NGO SecondDharma.com has promised Bheekhu that they will help him get justice if he agrees to change his religion and re-names himself Patrick. They have also agreed to help with him legal framework and documentation around the religion change.

Major embarrassment for NDA govt as this year CBSE topper scores 0.4% less than last year topper

New Delhi. With the announcement of CBSE class 12th exam results, government is facing real difficulty in answering opposition charge why this year topper has scored 496 when last year topper scored 498. Luckily opposition has not asked government to explain why in this year’s IPL the yes bank maximum sixes count is less than that of last year’s.

After someone told Rahul Gandhi that this year topper has scored less than the topper who prepared for the exam during Mr. Singh’s tenure, he cited this example to show the current government is taking India backwards.

As per sources, Smriti Irani is not at all amused with this development. She has asked the CBSE board and it’s chairman to find out the reasons behind this mess. She has threatened if the board cannot find the answer in weeks’ time, Sony’s CID team will look in to the matter as CBI team is too busy with lot of other activities.

Another blow to Modi?

Soon Smriti Irani is planning to meet the parents of this year’s topper to know whether they have applied for re-evaluation of the answer scripts where score is less than 100.

CBSE chairman, who was hoping this year, someone will hit cent percent score, is in a state of shock. He spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. “It would be difficult for me to comment on the difficulty level of question paper or the integrity of examiners who checked the answer papers of these two toppers. Our ambition is to make sure the question paper difficulty level eases year on year basis so that quickly someone scores 500 out 500. I have also instructed examiners to factor inflation while giving marks.”

Mr. Chairman added further, “Taking these factors in to consideration, CBSE vision document states by 2030 at least 50% student will be able to score 100 out of 100 in all subjects. By 2050, all those who are not able to score 100 percent overall will be considered as failures.”

CBSE chairman who is going to retire soon has assured HRD minister that he has called for the answer scripts of both the year’s toppers. He will personally re-evaluate the papers to normalize the performance of both. If there is a need he will take help from IIN to double check the correct answers.

Tired of correcting mistakes, proofreader of The Ashutosh’s books demands royalty

Noida. In a first of its kind of instance, the proofreader of The Ashutosh’s latest book has demanded royalty and that be his name be published as writer on the book written by the famed AAP leader. The proofreader claims that he has corrected so many spelling/grammatical mistakes that the book entirely belongs to him.

The proofreader named Ketan Bhagat says when he first received the manuscript he mistook it for some ancient puzzle, but to his horror he was told it is indeed a book written by The Ashutosh and he has to proofread same.

“I first thought of denying this herculean task but since I also had nothing else to do then, I decided to take up this challenge,” he disclosed.

“I the have no moni to pay”

When asked by our reporter what prompted him to claim royalty now when book is already in market for few months, Ketan says he was promised by The Ashutosh that he will add his name as co author but then “I got busy with a dance show that I am ‘allegedly’ judging and never cared to check whether he has kept his promise or not,” he said.

To further cement his claims of correcting number of mistakes that run more than the number of words in The Ashutosh’s book, Ketan also showed a printout of his storified tweets that seemed more like a scribble to our reporter.

While AAP supremo who also happens to be Delhi CM on paper, Arvind Kejriwal, chose to keep mum on the issue, to our written query; The Ashutosh sent a mail which read ‘ Fasicism is rising, Modi sud answer’ that we have sent to our experts to decipher.

‘Though we ought to support The Ashutosh on this issue but knowing him very well, there is every possibility what Ketan is claiming is correct,” AAP leader Ashish Khetan said on condition of anonymity.