Faking News - leading news satire website of India: November 2014

Saturday, November 29, 2014

ISIS returned Kalyan youth flooded with managerial offers from terror industry

Mumbai. The ISIS returned youth Areeb Majeed may have been taken into custody by the NIA after his return to Mumbai, but he can find solace in the fact his stock value has rise manifold from what it was till 6 months ago when he dropped out of engineering to leave for Syria.

If reports are to be believed, the highly radicalized Kalyan youth has been flooded with managerial offers from all sorts of terror organizations, MNCs and start-ups (especially those in West Bengal), headquartered in India and Pakistan.

These companies feel Areeb has proven himself successfully on the field and is now equipped to lead and guide a team of young and budding terror executives.

Youth icon for many!

What has added more value to resume of Areeb is that he started his career with the most sought after and biggest terror organization ISIS and came out alive from the field.

“It is like in IT industry if you get the stamp of having worked with say Microsoft in US, Indian IT companies line up to hire you. They are willing to give their right arm to have you on board,” explained an ex IBM Project Manager turned departmental head of Suicide Bombing unit at Indian Mujahideen.

However Areeb has politely declined all offers so far and argues that he doesn’t want to limit himself to just one organization. He now plans to open Terror Consultancy Services with the aim to provide business and technical solutions to leading terror organizations.

“I know what my market value is at present and I want to make the best possible use of it both monetarily and philanthropically,” Areeb told Faking News.

Areeb who is still recovering from the shock having missed out on opportunity to get 72 virgins now claims that his only motive would be to guide and help other talented youths in India fulfill this dream.

Meanwhile embarrassed by safe return of a terrorist to his homeland, ISIS has decided to behead 5 of their own high profile terrorists as a self mortification exercise.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Friday faking release: Ungli

Srinivasan wondering if there is any end to the ungli (poking) by Supreme Court and Mudgal Committee

Baby’s picture on Facebook receives “Vote For AAP” comment

New Delhi. The fight for forthcoming elections in Delhi is getting more and more social by the day.

Taking endorsement of favorite political party by their supporters to a new level, a couple were shocked to receive a comment asking them to vote for AAP on the pic of their baby that they uploaded on Facebook.

“We were so happy to have broken our previous record of receiving first notification within 2.75 seconds of posting a photo,” the couple recalled the events of last night.

Just another minute in social life of Kraantikari Bhagat

Excited, the couple opened the notification, only to find a comment “#VoteforUnity #VoteforAAP #KejriwalFirSe” on the pic by a certain Kraantikari Bhagat, 24 years old BA student in Lovely Professional University.

“What’s more? He didn’t stop at that. He went on a commenting spree and posted numerous photo comments such as “Mufflerman returns”, “Modi for PM, Kejriwal for CM”, etc until I blocked him,” 30 years old mother disclosed.

The mother who had deliberately kept the pic public so as to make the pic viral and let even strangers appreciate cuteness of her baby, was however in for a rude shock as the pic went viral not for the baby, but with many BJP supporters posting counter comments.

“In the process, many had forgotten it was all happening on a baby’s photo,” the father pointed, “I mean how the hell is a 11 month old baby supposed to vote?” he screamed as he reported Kraantikari Bhagat, for abuse.

Unable to control the flurry of comments, the mother eventually decided to remove baby’s pic.

Faking News spoke to Krantikaari, who confirmed the incident and claimed that he had to resort to such beahviour as his own status/posts were not receiving any acknowledgment post Feb 14’ 2014.

“Since nobody pays any attention to my posts, I took this route of letting my thoughts known on timeline of people whose posts receive maximum likes and comments on Facebook,” he explained his modus operandi.

Meanwhile Krantikaari is now preparing a post stating how an aam commentators on Facebook gets reported for abuse for voicing his opinion and how Facebook is slowly turning into a medium for elite class.

“I am looking for someone to upload their DSLR captured holiday pics to unleash it,” he revealed.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Five ways in which Srinivasan can still save CSK from getting destroyed

As Supreme Court has asked BCCI to disqualify the IPL franchise Chennai Super Kings, there are still some ways in which Srini can save his team. Faking News bring to you five of them:

“Yes, I can”

1. Change the format of IPL. Now CSK will be a team of cricket enthusiasts, which will play cricket only for the love of the game. They will play against all teams, but results of matches will not have any impact on the point table. Finally, there will be a superfinal between CSK and the winning team, again just for the love of the game. These pointless-matches will teach people how to watch a match without caring for points.

2. Create a new IPL franchise – Coimbatore Super Kings. It will remain CSK, and even the fan base will remain intact, as Coimbatore is in Tamil Nadu. It seems, who ever named Coimbatore was a very visionary person. It’s like God’s gift to Srinivasan.

3. Srinivasan should learn something from Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh. If it is all about conflict of interest, as besides being ex-BCCI Chief and current ICC Chairman, Srinivasan lead India cements owns CSK, he can simply place one of his confidant on the top post of India cements. But for that, he need to have a big heart, just like Sonia Gandhi. And the most important thing about success of this trick is, the confidant should be as good as Manmohan Singh.

4. Rename Chennai Super Kings to Aurangzeb Super Kings. Now considering the level of secular-activism in our country, it will be next to impossible to scrap the only IPL team with Mughal ruler name in it.

5. Shift whole BCCI and IPL set up to somewhere else, where Indian laws don’t apply, maybe in Dubai. Anyway, these are private organizations and Srinivasan commands power to achieve this, if he really wants to do so.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

After engineering, two college buddies on the verge of break-up as long distance relationship not working for them

Bangalore/Delhi. Two years after completing engineering, college buddies Arpit and Anoop are on the verge of break-up, as long distance relationship is not working for them.

After passing out of college in 2012, while Arpit joined a company in Bangalore, Anoop moved to Delhi. To begin with, their friendship was going quite well and it appeared distance doesn’t matter if friendship is too strong.

“Don’t worry dude, I am here to party with you”

However, down the line, due to not being physically together in the same city, things started falling apart.

“We weren’t getting quality time to spend together and to do random stupid things. No smoking together, no drinking together. Man, it’s getting really tough to maintain the same level of rapport with Anoop,” said Arpit while explaining reasons behind weakening of bond with Anoop, “Doing such crazy things together works as adhesive and makes the bonding even stronger.”

It’s not like both of them didn’t give each other a chance to bring back the estranged relationship on track.

“In the last two years, we met couple of times and even partied together. But, that was a temporary fix, and its effect ended within two to three weeks,” Arpit continued adding that, Prateek, Anoop’s current flatmate in Delhi, unknowingly played a big role in making the situation even worse.

“Whenever I call Anoop, he says he is partying with Prateek. He promises to call me back in couple of hours, but he calls only the next day,” Arpit told Faking News, “It seems me and Anoop are not anymore best of friends, now Prateek is in between us.”

Last weekend, a perplexed Arpit finally messaged Anoop, which read, “We need to talk.”

When we asked Anoop about his failing relationship with Arpit, he said, both of them were running out of topics to talk about.

“Whenever I used call him, he had nothing much to say. All he kept saying was ‘Aur batao bhai, kya haal hai ?’ Earlier we used to talk for hours, but now, not more than 10 minutes. Now, we don’t even talk about the plans that we made in college,” said Anoop while explaining his side of the story, “I think both of us need to move on in our lives.”

Monday, November 24, 2014

Kinley’s “Boond Boond Mein Sacchai” ad more suitable for a liquor brand than mineral water: Experts

Mumbai. Although, Kinley’s recently launched ad campaign, ‘Boond Boond Mein Sacchai‘ is being appreciated by viewers, many believe the advertisement would have been more appropriate for a liquor brand that a mineral water brand.

The 47 second long commercial shows a girl sitting in Lonavala, drinking Kinley mineral water at night and calling her father to tell the truth that she had lied to him and currently she is in Lonavala with her friends, all because she felt the need to do so after drinking Kinley.

Strange behavior

First thing which experts are complaining about is the situation and the choice of bottle in hand.

“When you are young and with your friends at some hill station, a bottle of water is the last thing you expect in someone’s hand, that too at night,” explains a top marketing executive Vikas Dutta, “If you watch the commercial, you will say to yourself, if I would have been at that location, I would have not wasted such a lovely night filling my stomach with water.”

Further criticizing the ad, Vikas says the ad goes against the general belief that people say truth after drinking alcohol.

“Who says truth after drinking water? As a matter of fact, the more you mix water to your alcohol peg, the more dilute it will be and consequently you will end up hiding your feelings. So, water has kind of negative effect when it comes to giving you courage to say the truth,” Vikas told Faking News adding that a liquor bottle in hand of the girl would have been a more logical option.

However, creators of the commercial argue that no matter how drunk a person is, he/she will never call his/her father after getting drunk, hence the story is not fit for a liquor brand.

But, critics say, Kinley ad creators are undermining the power of a drunk person.

“Many daredevils are out there who do such crazy things,” rued Prateek, an advertising professional who claimed he himself had once called his father after getting drunk, as one of his friends had dared him to take up this challenge in ‘Truth & Dare’ game.

“A drunk son or daughter telling some truth to his/her father, all because of liquor would have been a path breaking ad campaign. The same commercial with liquor bottle instead of mineral water would have changed the definition of father and young children relationship in Indian middle class, which as of now is not that friendly,” reasoned Prateek.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Man who quit gym in three days reveals, “I just wanted new shoes”

New Delhi: 28-year-old James Lazly who quit the gym after just three days revealed today that he joined the gym just because he wanted new shoes and his wife was not letting him buy a pair.

“She’s got 22 pair of shoes which she doesn’t even wear but when I asked her to buy one for me she started preaching about how we’re always running out of budget. Sadly, we never agree on anything and I know that it’s an astrological thing. After all, I’m a Libra and she is a bitch. That’s when this idea of joining gym struck me,” James Lazly told Faking News.

“I am genius”

Apparently, Lazly convinced his wife that he is joining the gym and he’s going to be productive like never before. And his poor wife bought him a new pair of shoes, a track suit, a carry bag and a new water bottle the very next day.

“I didn’t know it was his plan to buy new things. Look, Lazly is originally from Mexico and you know how lazy Mexican people are as anyone who can run, walk, swim or do any damn thing that requires you to move your ass has already crossed the border. I was just happy that he decided to work-out and be productive,” Lazly’s wife said with a sigh.

“Earlier whenever I told him to try and lose weight he’d wake up early and start watching inappropriate videos of Bipasha Basu and Shilpa Shetty. Joining the gym was at least a better idea,” she further added.

When asked how he spent three days in the gym, Lazly said, “Well, there was a quote written in their office that kept me motivated for three days.”

“You’ve paid in advance and we offer no refund. These were the words of wisdom that made me move my ass constantly for three days,” Lazly stated.

“I didn’t lose any of my weight. All I lost was my sleep and my money. It was okay but things went completely out of hand when they told me that they don’t know of any exercise that helps you enlarge your penis. It broke my heart and I decided to quit from the fourth day,” Lazly further added.

When asked why he didn’t take inspiration from the people who lose weight and look good like the new Adnan Sami and continued the gym, Lazly said, “What new Adnan Sami, he doesn’t even look like Adnan Sami anymore.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do with this membership card but I think it’s a cool gadget to scratch your back,” Lazly said smiling.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Engineering student walks into law college, has heart attack on seeing so many girls

Bhopal. Earlier this week, on his way to the campus doctor for the stomach trouble he’s been facing because of all the years in school and college he’s spent wearing his pants up to his chest, Arvind Parikkar, a 3rd year Mechanical Engineering student of CHAMPU (Chanakya Himachal Andhra Madhya Pradesh University), fell off his Activa as he was driving it through the law college.

His body hit the ground as the Activa skidded off into a corner, hitting Ram Kumar Bihari’s omelette and maggi stand.

Onlookers say Arvind’s facial expression was almost like this.

A crowd of onlookers assembled on the spot and surrounded him, as his carefully pressed and ironed trousers and shirts got dusty and the 95 pens he kept in his pocket flew all over the place.

The crowd stopped the emergency medical care that arrived in the form of a rickshaw and a medical student who insists on everyone calling him ‘doctor’. After the crowd dispersed upon realizing he was an engineering student and not a law student who would make a scene shouting out ways in which he planned to sue mother Earth for the fall, the medical student and the rickshaw wallah took him to the campus doctor.

The campus doctor tested his vital signs, gave him the essentials of life like a pen drive filled with Game of Thrones Season 1 and a laptop to watch it on, and put him under observation.

The doctor told us that it was an acute case of virgin-itis, where the patient, having never seen more than 5 women in his entire life, and those too only aunties who pulled his cheeks when his Board marks came out, saw, upon entering the law college, 2 girls walking and talking on the sidewalk; on going further saw 3-4 more girls sitting on the lawn chatting and finally suffered his heart attack when, upon turning he corner, he saw a girl and a girl holding hands and cuddling with each other, upon seeing which his breathing got shallower and he started seeing stars in the daylight.

The doctor says that the patient has all the normal symptoms of virgin-itis, such as being an engineering student, protesting against couples holding hands and kissing in public in groups with others afflicted with the disease out of jealousy and messaging women he had never met on Facebook with a ‘hi…..’.

The doctor has put him under observation for 24 hours, at the end of which he will be shown reassuring photos of college labs filled with only boys and academic buildings with no girl toilets so that he may be able to return to his life suffering no major follow up complexities.

His stomach infection is also being looked into. He is currently only being served, in accordance with the Kumar Vishwas Yuva Swasth Yojana, by nurses from Kerela.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Friday faking release: Na Ghar Ke Na Ghaat Ke

Movie starring CBI Director Ranjit Sinha who has been asked by the SC to stay away from the CBI’s 2G scam investigation.

Ranjit Sinha unfazed by SC decision, says mentally he was already removed from 2G probe

New Delhi. CBI Director Ranjit Sinha today remained unfazed by Supreme Court’s decision to remove him from the 2G case investigation.

Expressing no emotion over SC’s move, Sinha claimed that he was mentally already removed from the 2G probe and thus the decision of the apex court doesn’t affect him at all.

A relieved Ranjit Sinha

“Life goes on normal for me. I had long detached myself from the case, which was quite evident from the way it was progressing. I am happy SC took notice of it and did what they felt was needed,” Ranjit claimed.

When asked that doesn’t he feel humiliated to be kicked out of a case just 12 days before he is set to retire, he said,” Had I been too much dedicated to the case, I would have felt bad, but it’s been years now and believe me, I don’t even remember the case details.”

“Also having worked closely with Ex Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh, I have kind of become immune to humiliation and such small things don’t embarrass or affect me any longer,” Sinha quickly added.

Now that Ranjit is set to retire, many reputed zoos from across the country are offering him a accommodation.

“Once a caged parrot, always a caged parrot,” a Zoo in charge quipped when asked about the logic behind their offer.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Employee with unused sick leaves knows when exactly he is going to fall ill as 2014 moves towards end

Mumbai. As year 2014 moves towards end, Doordarshi Kumar, an IT employee in his mid twenties with around 5 unused sick leaves this year, is claiming that he knows on what exact dates he is going to fall ill in the next 40 days.

However, Doordarshi refuses to reveal all the dates. He says he reveal those to his boss at proper time.

“Yes, I am going to fall ill, on paper.”

“Just to make you guys believe that I am not lying, as of now all I can disclose is that I will be having fever on Friday,” Doordarshi told Faking News, adding that fortunately it will make his weekend an extended weekend, “But, it’s just a coincidence, nothing more.”

As per Doordarshi, with his psychic abilities, he feeling even more powerful than Nostradamus.

“Unlike Nostradamus, I not only make prophecies, but I am also capable of rescheduling my illness related prophecies. For example, the fever that I will be suffering from on Friday, was initially scheduled for Tuesday. Then I thought, maybe a fever on Tuesday would hamper my Wednesday’s work, that’s why I preponed it to Friday,” Doordarshi described how with great powers come great responsibilities.

“I hope, my boss would we be happy to know how much I care about work. I am getting a feeling that I will remain sick for around 7 days in the remaining 40 days of this year. But with only 5 sick leaves in hand, I need to plan it more properly,” Doordarshi further added.

On being asked how he was feeling after realizing that fever was coming towards him on Friday, Doordarshi said that he was looking forward to it.

“I am all set to face the demon. And you know what, I am not afraid of it. In fact, I am going to celebrate my illness in Goa. As I am knowing all this in advance, I have already composed an email which I will be sending to my boss to inform him about my fever,” a charged up Doordarshi presented his mature side. “Sometimes dropping sick leave mail works faster than medicine.”

Meanwhile, after coming to know about Doordarshi’s secret powers, many residents of his housing society have started requesting him to predict when they were going to fall ill.

Couple lose camera during holiday trip, use Photoshop to recreate pics for Facebook

New Delhi. Panic struck a couple after they found the DSLR camera, which had all the pics of their just concluded holiday trip, to be missing.

While the camera certainly was expensive, but the couple is more distressed about the photos they had clicked and claimed it’s an estimated loss of minimum 450 likes on Facebook.

“I always tell my husband to immediately take backup of all the photos that he clicks on the cameras in the mobile phone, pen-drive and laptop, but he doesn’t listen to me,” rued the wife as husband looked down, wiping tears off his eyes.

Couple were last seen photoshopping their faces on this pic.

Couple however suspects another couple friend of theirs to be behind this act.

“I am sure it’s the handiwork of Mr and Mrs Sinha, with whom we had planned this joint holiday trip. They were somehow averse to us updating status every now and then on Facebook,” the husband revealed.

“I could sense they were jealous when our check-in at the airport received more likes, comments and blessings than theirs,” the husband pointed.

“They virtually ignored us when I hi fived with my wife on crossing 100 likes, while boarding the plane,” he further recalled.

However not to be bogged down by the tragedy, the couple is determined and fully committed to their upload holiday pics on Facebook, come what may.

To make it possible the couple has now purchased a high quality photoshopping software and would photoshop pics to be uploaded.

“Hello! This is not a hoax. We will honestly photoshop only those destinations where we actually went and clicked photos on our camera,” the wife retorted when asked if they are not resorting to lies in order to get likes.

Meanwhile finding it a time consuming exercise, the couple is planning to put an advertisement on newspapers, appealing to the thieves to return their photos and keep the camera if they want. They are also offering cash reward to thief.

“We are even considering a second trip to same destination, if photoshopping doesn’t yield the desired result,” the couple disclosed.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

A day after Arpita Khan’s grand marriage ceremony, media feeling more tired than her family members

New Delhi. As Salman Khan’s sister Arpita Khan’s much talked about marriage ceremony came to an end last night, a day after, Indian media houses are feeling more tired than Arpita’s family members.

The fatigue, which news anchors are reporters are going through, is even worse than what father and brother of a bride feel on the day next to the wedding.

A burden off media’s shoulders.

Faking News visited offices of various news channels and news sites and found many of the employees sleeping here and there in the offices. However, despite all tiredness, a satisfaction was visible on every face.

“I can’t explain how happy I am that she found the right life-partner and starting a new life,” said Ashish, a news anchor, after being woken up by our reporter. “This temporary weariness is nothing in front of that permanent happiness,” he added as few drops of tears trickled down his cheeks.

Ashish was continuously reporting on every single detail about Arpita’s marriage for the last three days, as he didn’t want his channel viewers to miss anything.

“I wanted my reporting to be pitch perfect. During Arpita’s vidai coverage, I almost broke down on camera,” Ashish continued, “At that moment, to stop my tears, I told myself – ladki to paraya dhan hoti hai, ek naa ek din to use jana hi hota hai.”

Another top executive of a news website, Prakash, had almost a nervous breakdown after an image slider with Arpita’s marriage photos suddenly stopped working.

Reportedly, he picked up a broom to beat the tech guys who were managing the site.

“For few minutes, the slider glitch enfeebled the level of celebratory environment on our website,” revealed an employee of the news website, “But the issue was fixed immediately and everything was back to normal. Today, Prakash sir is on leave. He worked so hard to make this marriage coverage unforgettable. He was taking opinions of at least ten consulting editors before finalizing caption of each pic. He deserves a break.”

Meanwhile, many news channels have issued an advance apology to their viewers, in case any news anchor or reporter falls asleep while reading or reporting other news.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Pictures: Reactions of various people to Mudgal committee report on IPL spot-fixing

Mudgal Committe’s report on IPL fixing scam today gave clean chit to N Srinivasan, while indicting his son-in-law Gurunath Meiyappan and Rajasthan Royal’s co-owner Raj Kundra. Here’s how various people reacted to it:

N. Srinivasan

It was personally a happy ending for him.

Gurunath Meiyappan

"Are you serious?" he screamed 4 times after reading report.

“Are you serious?” he screamed 4 times after reading the report.

Shilpa Shetty

Like an ideal Indian wife, husband Raj Kundra’s best interests were Shilpa’s priority.

Lalit Modi

Srinivasan’s clean chit notwithstanding, Modi gave his thumbs up to the report.

Sunil Gavaskar/Ravi Shastri

Both consoled each other and vowed to be more creative while towing the BCCI line

Both consoled each other and discussed how to avoid talking to media on this.

IPL Fans

Fans showed the amount of interest they had.

To improve India’s relations with penguins, Modi to go Antarctica, 50K fans expected to attend his speech

New Delhi. In an attempt to improve bilateral relations of India with penguins, Prime Minister Narendra Modi has decided to go on a 3 day visit to the ice capped continent of Antarctica.

During his trip, Modi will be meeting local penguins and will give a speech, which is expected to be attended by 50 thousand Modi fans (humans as well as penguins) from across the globe.

With his Antarctica trip, Narendra Modi will become first Indian PM to address such a huge crowd at otherwise uninhabitable south pole.

Guys, are you excited?

Ever since the news of this trip has gone public, die hard Modi fans want to leave no stone unturned in order to make the trip a huge success.

“It’s time to show the penguin community and to the rest of world, how proud we are of our Prime Minister,” said Prateek, an excited young Modi fan, who along with his group of friends were ready to leave for the southern end of the world.

Prateek and his friends have hired a boat and rented couple of drums. Their plan is to complete this dangerous journey to the South Pole chanting Modi-Modi.

However, few private companies are even selling cruise liners’ tickets to help Modi fans reach Antarctica safely, but Prateek is not in mood to make this journey safe.

“This is our big test, we have to prove how much we love Modi Ji. Making this journey super safe is pointless,” rued Prateek adding that he wants to do it the tougher way.

Few of Modi’s close aides have already reached Antarctica and are attending meetings with penguins to make sure whole trip paases smoothly.

“Prime Minister doesn’t want to terrify penguins as they are not habituated of seeing such a huge human gathering,” a PMO insider told Faking News on condition of anonymity, “Penguins are also being taught how to greet Modi.”

Sources confirm that even news channels are gearing up for the big show. Although Congress and AAP have claimed that media was being paid to cover the event, TV channel editors deny this.

“Who won’t want to see penguins standing up to the national anthem of India?” an editor argued, “It will give us the best TRPs.”

Sources close to a big media house revealed that their lead anchor would be giving a live coverage from Antarctica wearing a penguin suit.

“To warm up the audience, we will start airing a show named ‘Penguins ka Pyaar’ to let viewers know more about penguins and their culture,” said a source.

Reportedly, another channel has asked one of its top anchors to finish the book – ‘How not to piss off penguins’ before going to Antarctica.

“This is just to make sure that he doesn’t get involved into any kind of brawl with penguins,” reasoned channel’s top executive.