Management Trainee promoted to CEO after speaking nonsense for an hour

Mumbai. In an extraordinary feat of mental acuity, a Management Trainee in a consulting firm was promoted directly to CEO after he managed to speak nonsense extempore for an hour.

One of the many requirments to become a CEO

As per sources with the firm, the lucky new joinee had been, in fact, simply asked to introduce himself to other Management Trainees. However, the man launched into an awe inspiring speech, the specifics of which none of the people around him could remember later.

“It was like watching a Salman Khan movie or meeting with an accident that causes severe head trauma,” a fellow Management Trainee said.

“Tadapit Kumar,” he continued referring to the Management Trainee in question, “spoke for an hour- but his speech was so generic and full of gas that I was almost reminded of Rahul Gandhi’s interview to Arnab Goswami. Needless to say, much like Rahul Gandhi, the firm quickly promoted him to CEO, so that he might lead the company.”

“We are a consulting firm,” a senior HR executive familiar with the development told Faking News, “Our money-making capacities depend on our employees going up to clients and consistently backing ideas or models or other things underpaid interns have found for them on Google with long winding, snore inducing, and rather confusing speeches.”

“Our erstwhile CEO was very specific at times and would also give out facts and figures when asked specific questions. With Tadapit, who can let loose several bursts of verbal diarrhea in rapid succession, we have finally found someone who can back our half baked presentations with generic nonsense,” he added further.

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Friday faking release: Swades

Team India getting nostalgic for home after defeat.

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Dhoni consults Congress spokespersons to find positives in team India’s performance

Wellington, New Zealand. Indian skipper Mahendra Singh Dhoni, who is known as a positive thinking person, is having a tough time in maintaining cool and calm composure after Team India’s another disastrous performance overseas.

In order to maintain his record of positive thinking, he has decided to take help of Congress spokespersons, who are widely recognized as the masters of the domain, capable of finding positive points even in disasters such as 1984 pogrom, corruption, electoral defeats, and Rahul Gandhi’s interview to Arnab Goswami.

Dhoni couldn’t stop his laughter while practicing some of the lines suggested by Congress spokespersons

“We realized that Indian team’s performance in the 5 One Day Internationals against New Zealand was similar to Congress’ recent performance in assembly elections of 5 states. They were defeated in 4 states and got a consolation victory in the fifth, and we got bashed din 4 ODIs and could tie one to save some grace,” a Team India official explained.

Struggling to justify this performance, team management advised Dhoni to consult Congress spokespersons who have been justifying everything in the past few weeks. Dhoni, initially reluctant, later agreed to take this route after he saw Rohit Sharma doing high five with Ishant Sharma in hotel lobby.

“Desperate times need desperate measures,” Dhoni justified his decision to take help of politicians.

Sources tell Faking News that Congress spokesperson have sent various suggestions to the Indian captain on how he could justify the team performance and claim that there were many positive developments.

“He had been his excellent self barring a few trajectorial misalignment of the willow with the cork, engendered by unfamiliar terrain that sometimes resulted in minuscule accomplishment deficit, but the southpaw will prevail.” – this sentence was suggested by Manish Tewari when a reporter asks about Suresh Raina’s problems with short pitch balls on bouncy tracks.

Apart from such responses, Dhoni was also asked to watch Rahul Gandhi’s interview with Arnab Goswami and Congress spokespersons’ response to that.

“He will feel inspired to defend the performance,” a Congress spokesperson explained the need.

“Why concede that you played badly when you can say things like – The most powerful attribute of a player is being trustworthy! And I am glad that all of our players scored a 10/10 on that count. Be it Raina, Rohit, or Ishant, all maintained the same form throughout the series and performed as expected – simple, isn’t it?” Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha is reported to have advised Dhoni.

It’s to be seen if Dhoni acts upon these suggestions or he waits for the test matches to get over before resorting to these.

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Features and review of MOS (Modi Operating System) by BJP Corporation

In a series (hopefully), Faking News brings you some scenarios of what would have happened if political parties were like tech companies. We bring you one such product reviews.

Modi OS (MOS)

The system in action

MOS is an operating system produced by BJP Corporation for use on young personal computers, including home and business desktops, commercial systems, and importantly government PCs. Although it sounds like DOS, it’s much advanced system, the developers claim.

Releases:

• General Availability: October 7, 2001


• Beta Version: 2.002 [discontinued]


• Stable Version: 2.012 [Latest stable release]


• Upcoming Version: 2.014 [Worldwide release]

An integral part of MOS

Features:

• License: Proprietary commercial software


• Language Support: Gujarati, Hindi and occasional English phrases and keywords [other languages will be added on priority basis]


• MRP: Free trail. Premium version available at cities like Bangalore for Rs.10 with huge discounts.


• Security: With each copy of Modi OS you are provided with lifetime support of RSS Inc.’s RSS Antivirus free of charge [RSS is well known for detecting highest false positive samples]


• Social Media: One of the best social media integration we have reviewed in an OS. Special APIs are provided for tight SNS integration.

Reception:

MOS is fairly popular among youths and middle-aged persons. It is considered to be representing the new Metrosexual Indian. As we have observed, MOS gives more emphasis on empowering the user with new tools and applications instead of downloading freebies from internet.

“It’s good for hard-line drives; it takes good care of them. I couldn’t find any corrupt sector on my hard disk after using this OS,” claimed one of the diehard fans of the Modi OS.

However, professional testers have found some minor bugs and errors. The OS has recently also been criticized for inaccurate statistics and figures in output. “When I logged out after an hour of usage, the task manager was showing a system uptime of 15 hours. I think they have messed all the calculations part,” said Varun Bedi, a new proud owner of MOS and ex-IPS officer.

“MOS is near perfect OS and second to none. People criticizing it are part of a media campaign to malign our image,” said Kanchan Kofta, senior developer, BJP corporation.

Many experts and analysts believe that the future release of MOS could take the market by storm, so much so that some fear the risk of monopoly in the market. Other observers have termed such fears as far fetched and have said that the next release might not see any radical improvement over the current release.

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Software engineer happy with his job visits psychologist thinking of it as some abnormal mental disorder

Bangalore. Santosh Sharma, a 24 year old software engineer, who was perfectly happy and content with his job, visited a psychologist thinking of it as some kind of abnormal mental disorder.

Don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal to hate your job

Like many of his batchmates, Santosh started working as a software engineer in 2012. Initially he got a feeling that he was enjoying his job, but he ignored it, confusing it with temporary excitement of a new job.

“I thought it will go away in few days. Compared to me, my friends transformed pretty much faster, as they started hating their jobs within a month. But on the contrary, I was getting more and more fascinated by my job,” said Santosh, recalling first few months of his job.

Gradually, Santosh started feeling left out and outcast from his friend circle. “Most of the time they discussed how bad their job was, as if some kind of competition was going on. And obviously, I was a misfit,” Santosh added.

It’s by the end of 2012, Santosh finally realized that something was wrong with him. Despite that, he decided to hide his mental disorder and tried to cure it by himself.

Santosh started to look perfectly normal by joining his friends in job bashing discussions, but even that didn’t work out.

“All he wanted was, to live like a normal person. So he gave his best and cursed his job to full capacity, but that wasn’t real Santosh. It’s then I asked him to consult a psychologist, before it’s too late,” disclosed a close friend of Santosh.

Psychologist claimed, had Santosh contacted him on time, his disorder could have been controlled. “When he came, he was in final stage of the disorder. He loved his job for almost two years, and now there was no way back. Still I suggested him some things to do, rest is in hand of god,” told psychologist Animesh Shukla.

Reportedly, the psychologist has asked Santosh to get under worst boss available in his company and stay closer to people with negative mentality.

Meanwhile, parents of Santosh have rushed to Bangalore after hearing the bad news. “God please make my son a normal person, otherwise he would face problem in getting married,” prayed his mother.

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Home loan scheme launched allowing a borrower to pay it back over seven births

Mumbai. With home loan EMIs set to rise after RBI hiked the repo-rate, Infinite Bank of India has introduced a new home loan – Saat Janam Bharenge Hum (SJBH) – where a borrower has the flexibility and luxury of repaying the loan amount over a period of seven births.

Not a problem anymore

The new scheme has brought huge relief to middle class and lower middle class, who have been facing tough and tragic times in buying new home in cities like Mumbai, thanks to perennially rising cost of real estate and periodically rising rates of interest.

“Our new scheme will help people to realize their dream in this birth only by distributing their risk and worries over various births,” Chairman of Infinite Bank of India explained the benefits of the latest scheme.

“Our society has always believed in reincarnation, but we are the first one to spot the business opportunities it offers,” he added.

“For example, to buy an affordable 2BHK flat in Mumbai, you may take a loan of 2 crore rupees, which means an EMI of Rs 2 lakh per month for 20 years. However, one is not sure of earning that much for 20 years, so people don’t take loans. Our scheme not only brings down the EMI due to much longer period of loan, it also does away with the need to earn so much for a long period of time. In fact, it does away with the need for being alive for that long!” the Chairman made the sales pitch.

Infinite Bank of India officials told Faking News that earlier they were planning to launch a home loan that can be paid by seven generations, but they thought it was unfair to the posterity of the loan taker.

“We can’t punish someone for the deeds of others. We believe in karma, and the basic ideology of reincarnation i.e. your deeds in previous birth follow you in the subsequent birth,” the bank official explained.

The most complicated and miraculous part of the loan scheme is Bank’s way of tracking a dead person’s soul, to keep a check on his/her next life.

Chief Spiritual Officer of the bank, Mr. Atma Dharmatma tried to explain how it works.

“We have found a way to find the weight of soul of a person. We have also found that every loan adds to this weight. We are going to structure our EMIs in a way that this creates a unique weight on soul of a person, as unique as fingertips. This way, we will track the soul even if it changes body in various births,” Dharmatma said.

Bank has also prepared itself to handle unwanted situations, such as a loan taker becoming a chicken or a mosquito or any other animal in the next birth.

“If they become chicken in their next birth, our recovery will sell them to KFC, and if they become mosquito, we will find and kill them to accelerate the next life,” disclosed a Bank insider.

While the bank is hopeful that its latest scheme will sell like hot cakes, analysts say that instead of helping people pay back their loans, this will increase the number of loan defaults.

“People will be so scared of the loan and EMIs that they might not take the next birth at all i.e. they’ll become ghosts,” a financial analyst warned.

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Sanjay Jha helped Rahul Gandhi on how not to appear a fool facing Arnab Goswami

New Delhi. Sources have revealed that dedicated TV worker and Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha has helped Rahul Gandhi by giving him tips on how not to appear a complete fool and a clueless person in front of TV superhero Arnab Goswmai.

Sanjay Jha, who is a regular victim on The Newshour, has a vast experience of getting mauled by Arnab Goswami on various topics. Party thought that his experience will come handy in helping Rahul gear up for the ultimate face-off.

Sources further tell Faking News that Jha is very elated at finally proving to be of some use to the party. Some party leaders, who earlier resented his rise and thought him to be an ‘outsider’, now believe that Jha was a part of a top secret plan.

Sanjay Jha praying that the interview goes well

“Now I know why he kept appearing on The Newshour despite being humiliated on regular basis. He was an undercover agent planted there to figure out every possible way Arnab can screw someone. Now we know the trade secrets of Arnab, and he will not be able to harm Rahul ji,” a party loyalist said.

As part of the training process, Rahul Gandhi is reported to have undergone various training sessions by Sanjay Jha. One of such sessions was aimed at coping with high decibel noises where Rahul was asked to listen to hard rock concerts while bursting crackers.

“Why do you think Rahul ji had been shouting in his rallies and speeches of late?” a party insider revealed, “It was all part of a practice session to speak loudly to match Arnab.”

Sanjay Jha is also believed to have instructed Rahul Gandhi to avoid few of his bad habits, like asking back the question asked to him, because Arnab has a habit of repeating the same question again and again.

“If both start doing this, there would be an endless loop of questions, a deadlock which might continue till eternity. Arnab is equipped to survive it, but Rahul ji could have got injuries,” the party insider explained.

Another “bad” habit that Rahul has been asked to avoid is rolling up his sleeve.

“Nobody else is allowed to show attitude in Arnab’s darbar except Arnab himself,” Jha is reported to have claimed.

While Rahul has been well trained in mannerisms, sources couldn’t confirm if he had been trained in coming up with responses when one doesn’t have enough knowledge on the topic.

“While the tutor thinks it’s his forte, we asked him not to train Rahul Gandhi on that front,” Congress leader Digvijay Singh confirmed, “Ahmed Patel and Rajiv Shukla have worked on that aspect.”

Meanwhile unconfirmed sources suggest that Rahul Gandhi was carrying chilli-pepper spray in his pocket all through the interview.

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Employees to take tips from Rohit and Raina on how to retain jobs despite non-performance

Bangalore. Impressed with their ability to save their place in the Indian team even after consistent non-performance, a group of disgruntled IT employees from the city have decided to approach some members of the Indian cricket team, currently in New Zealand, to get some professional tips.

Sources tell Faking News that players like Ishant Sharma, Rohit Sharma, Ashwin, and Raina are the most sought after by these employees frustrated with their professional careers.

Rohit and Raina being awarded for something

“I work my ass off, achieve all my targets, complete all the projects before assigned deadlines, yet I have still not been chosen for a single on-site tour so far. And look, these guys are touring New Zealand!” said 29-year-old software engineer Miteshwar Pujara.

“I too yearn for a boss who blames the RAM of the office PC instead of my coding skills if there are any errors,” he added, “Maybe these guys know a trick or two in which even normal bosses are influenced to think that way.”

There were rumors that cricketers like Pragyan Ojha too had decided to join these IT employees to get some tips, but we couldn’t independently verify this.

When contacted, the cricketers said that people were unnecessarily reading much into the situation.

“Frankly I myself don’t know why I am here,” Ishant Sharma candidly confessed, “I can’t offer any tips except on how to successfully survive internet trolling. But they being IT guys might be already experts in such things.”

Ashwin and Raina too said that they had no tips to offer, but they could gift CSK (Chennai Super Kings) jerseys to the employees if that could boost their morale. Whereas Rohit Sharma maintained that he was in the team due to his talent.

Since the cricketers have refused to give any tips, sources say that political parties are planning to latch on to this opportunity.

AAP is planning to offer such courses under the leadership of Somnath Bharti, if he successfully survives all the demands of his resignation, while BJP has claimed that its entire Delhi unit was fit to offer such courses.

Not to be left behind, Congress too has popped up veterans like Sushilkumar Shinde and Mani Shankar Aiyar to reach out to these techies and give them tips on having a stellar professional career sans any stellar skill set.

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Friday faking release: Hum

After recent poster release by Congress party, old Bollywood blockbuster has been rereleased.

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Kumar Vishwas offers anticipatory apologies for any more old jokes that might pop up

New Delhi. After apologizing for his remarks against Malayali nurses, Kumar Vishwas has now gone a step ahead and offered anticipatory apologies for all insensitive jokes that he might have cracked in the past and that may pop up in the future on YouTube.

The professor-cum-poet-cum-stand-up-comedian-cum-social-activist-cum-politician felt the way things were going, he could soon find a video of him mocking any of his own current party members being pulled out from past. To avoid the embarrassment in advance, he decided to offer apology in advance.

Kumar Vishwas laughing at a politically incorrect joke cracked by himself

Though it is not yet clear what made Vishwas take this decision to tender unconditional apologies, sources confirm that he was partying with Abhijeet Mukherjee yesterday.

Sources further confirm that Kumar Vishwas was taking training from legendary apologist Armaan Kohli who impressed one and all with his impeccable timing and skills when it came to being apologetic again and again in the latest season of Bigg Boss.

“Ho gayi bhool kar do maaf, hum nahin hai koi gustaakh, joke banaya tha bas aise hi, ab sab ho gaya jal ke raakh,” Kumar Vishwas told Faking News.

But his adversaries feel even if he had not offered anticipatory apology, he had no risk of being targeted again.

“I think he has gone overboard. We really wanted to unearth more videos of Vishwas where he may have said something objectionable, but dropped the idea after absolutely nobody volunteered to sit through video recording of his speeches,” said a man from Congress office in Amethi, who lauded the brave volunteers who risked their sanity to find that controversial video on YouTube.

Meanwhile fellow AAP leaders lambasted Kumar for taking such decisions in haste.

“What was the need to apologies when our internal court presided by Arvind ji has not declared him guilty? Whom does he fear? If he is honest, he can never be wrong!” said law minister Somnath Bharti.

However some other AAP leaders are happy and have termed Vishwas as a visionary.

“This clears the stage for holding anticipatory dharnas till Lok Sabha elections for all the future problems our party may or may not have with central government,” a visibly happy AAP leader said.

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Rahul advises Kejriwal to declare Somnath Bharti a “complete nonsense”

New Delhi. After learning a lot from Arvind Kejriwal as he had promised after recent assembly elections debacle, Rahul Gandhi has offered a piece of advice to Kejriwal as Guru Dakhhina.

Sources tell Faking News that Congress Vice President has asked the Delhi Chief Minister to play safe and declare Somnath Bharti a “complete nonsense” person to save the day for the party and himself.

Will he be junked?

As per Congress insiders, Rahul Gandhi couldn’t stop himself from helping Arvind Kejriwal after seeing his source of inspiration being targeted from all side due to Somnath Bharti’s actions.

“Rahul ji is a very helpful person, especially when it comes to helping an aam aadmi. Besides that, he is an expert in turning situations upside down, like he did earlier in the ‘Ordinance’ matter. Kejriwal should take his advice seriously,” disclosed a Congress party member on conditions of anonymity.

The Congress leader pointed out that the usual method of AAP of terming an unpopular view as “personal opinion” won’t work here and Kejriwal will have to take it to the next level – the “complete nonsense” level.

“Kejriwal is anyway fond of press conferences. So he should call a press conference and declare Bharti a complete nonsense person. In fact, if he takes Somnath Bharti to police all by himself, it will have even better effect,” the Congress leader suggested.

Political analysts too believe that Rahul Gandhi’s advice is worth giving a shot.

“One one hand it will give AAP a much needed face saver, and on the other hand it will catapult Kejriwal’s image a no-nonsense and 180 degree flexible leader; in sharp contrast of being an autocratic leader that AAP leaders like Binny accuse him of being,” argued an analyst.

“No, this will not be seen as another U-turn if he removes Somnath,” the analyst quickly added.

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AAP hires lookalikes of Arvind Kejriwal to protest all over India

New Delhi. Excited with nonstop media coverage of Delhi protest, Aam Aadmi Party has hired hundreds Kejriwal lookalikes to be sent off to different parts of India, especially in rural India.

AAP’s move is being seen as a huge step toward taking the “honesty revolution” in rural areas after making urban India, especially Delhi, the hub of honesty.

A Kejriwal lookalike at work

Media experts say that this will certainly boost party’s regional media coverage aspirations.

“Earlier it was Anna, now it’s Kejriwal. So it’s time to move from ‘Main bhi Anna’ to ‘Mani bhi Kejriwal’ and this is the first step towards reinforcing this belief,” an expert said.

AAP sources confirm that these lookalikes, who are expected to bring non-stop media coverage in regional news channels, will be wearing “Main bhi Kejriwal” caps.

Sources further confirm that all Kejriwal lookalikes have been issued a certificate of honesty by Delhi CM and he has also given them power of attorney to protest on his behalf in any corner of world.

“Every small detail has been taken care of to make Kejriwal lookalikes look exactly like Arvind Kejriwal. Shirt, pant, muffler, sweater; everything is same to same. Even if they are in not so cold regions like Tamil Nadu, wearing muffler and sweater is compulsory for them,” revealed a party insider.

These lookalikes have already taken their positions and are in talks with local residents to identify and shortlist issues on which protests should be carried out. Since they look like Kejriwal, local media has also swung into action.

Latest reports coming from Bhojpuriya TV suggest that a protest in Chhapara district of Bihar is taking place under the leadership of a Kejriwal lookalike, where AAP members have ransacked block office after a goat was killed on highway by a speeding truck.

However, in a village in Mirzapur district of Uttar Pradesh, protests couldn’t start as villagers raised doubts over the authenticity of local Kejriwal.

“He was not coughing at all!” a local villager told this Faking News reporter.

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Wife divorces husband for losing camera containing vacation photographs

Jalandhar. In an incident that has shaken and stirred husbands all over the country, Harvinder Kaur has slapped a divorce notice on Gurvinder Singh, her husband of three years because he accidentally dropped their DSLR camera in an open ditch on their way back from a vacation.

It’s about putting them in the public view

“I planned our weekend getaway to Bhatinda so that I could get clicked in my recently purchased Louis Vuitton bag and Prada sunglasses in the sunflower fields. I also packed 12 different outfits for the two day trip. We took over one thousand pictures of me posing in different places and after all this hard work he lost the camera!” complained the furious wife.

“Now what do I upload on Facebook?!?! He is responsible for the loss of the 4,356 ‘Likes’ and 232 comments that I was expecting on that album. I shall never forgive him. I want a divorce!!” sobbed a clearly distraught and inconsolable Harvinder Kaur.

Faking News caught up with Tanuj Khosla, its in-house expert on all issues. “This is a very delicate matter indeed,” said Tanuj while dipping his gulab jamun in mayonnaise, “I got a call from Gurvinder an hour ago asking me for advice. I have asked him to take a few new pictures of his wife with her accessories in Jalandar and use Adobe Photoshop to make them look like they were taken in Bhatinda.”

Latest reports say that Harvinder Kaur has removed Gurvinder Singh from her friend’s list after he proposed the above solution to their marital problems.

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AAP starts protests to bring central government under Delhi government

New Delhi. Aam Aadmi Party has started a new wave of protest to bring the Union government under the Delhi government.

Party claims that since the central government is not under their control, they are facing difficulties in implementing pro-people schemes and policies in Delhi.

The revolution has begun.

“We have realized that we could serve aam aadmi much better if everything was to our liking and in our control. We started our agitation for control over Delhi police, but we realized that we should use this opportunity and go for the final frontier,” Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal said.

“Apart from that, now that aam aadmi rule is in Delhi, it would be an insult to an aam aadmi if Delhi government remains under the authority of khaas aadmi,” Kejriwal added.

AAP strategists explain that there are many benefits of the central government coming under the Delhi government.

“We won’t have to request central government for funds to meet the budgetary requirements of all the subsidies we have promised, and we can make any law at our will, such as giving powers to search without warrant to Mohalla Sabha representatives,” Yogendra Yadav, one of the chief strategists of AAP explained.

When asked if this was not anarchy as the way to bring central government under control was to bring general elections with an absolute majority, AAP strategists said that such concerns were peripheral and exaggerated.

“Our internal survey says we are already winning 400 Lok Sabha seats,” AAP leader Prashant Bhushan disclosed, “Furthermore, we are there to shake the system. If we can form a government in Delhi without majority, why should we wait for majority to rule the center?”

“We want revolution. Every other party is corrupt. This entire constitution and order is bullshit, we are rebel. Yahoo, jai maan kaali, laal salaam, har har honesty,” yelled another party member Swaraj Shukla. Later it was clarified that it was Shukla’s personal views.

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Movie posters as suggested by Censor Board’s new CEO

The newly appointed CEO of the Censor Board, Rakesh Kumar has expressed deep concerns about the content of Bollywood films. He said that while Agneepath was too gory, Shuddh Desi Romance had too much love.

Faking News met with the new CEO and asked how he’d have wanted the movies to be. Here are some alternative movie posters as suggested by him:

Mr. Rakesh Kumar was unhappy with violence depicted in Chennai Express posters. He thought that the above scene should have been the poster as it neither had violence nor intimate posture between a man and a woman. Mr. Kumar suggested that this should be the minimum distance between couples in a romantic movie.

The original poster disturbed the CEO way too much and he found it very vulgar. He proposed the above changes to make it more meaningful and “cleaner”. CEO rubbished rumors of him being an AAP member.

CEO is not a big fan of skin show and wanted Katrina to be properly dressed.

Not only Katrina, the CEO insisted that even male actors should be properly dressed.

The new CEO insisted that whenever there was any scene showing enmity, there should be a symbol of peace and friendship too in the poster.

He wanted lead pair to wear helmets and life jackets while driving the scooter in water.

Pareeniti should wear parachute for safety as she is in air.

No related news.